We believe in biblical reasons for divorce and wife has one. She can't forgive and we have worked through this program and one other as well as seeing a marriage counselor for months......should I bring up the topic of divorce..........we had a bad marriage for years and this is just proloning an already bad marriage.

Jeff, this and your other thread tell me that you're not willing to pay penance for your sins. Why would she forgive you?

If you want a divorce, just do it. Otherwise, be prepared to pay for your sins for the rest of your life. A woman can't forgive someone who betrays her and then expects her to 'just drop it already'. You have to have true remorse and show that you will do anything, ANYTHING, to make it up to her, including listening to her when she needs to vent, and answering all of her questions.

Jeff:

You screwed up. Literally.

And your not willing to do what it takes to FIX IT.

Then divorce your wife. Simple solution.

She may not ever be able to forgive you. and you can take the next exit off of this bumpy road.

You can blame her after that.

But that isn't the real problem, is it?

I can help you out some. I was the WS. I was wayward for 4.5 years. Dday was 3.2 years ago. If ever there was a spouse here that could not forgive, it was my Flamingo.

But using what we learned here, WE were able to fix our marriage.

You can to.

LG

What do you mean that I have censored up literally?

I've read everything on this board and put it practice. We talked............a lot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!.

I came completely clean............expressed remorse time and time again..............!

I've apologized....................!

I've attempted to meat her needs!

It's never enough!

It's funny..........when we were married she could care less..............!

I understand the concept of making just compensation and I have................I have an issue with paying forever!

No, she should be the only one that pays forever.

:RollieEyes:



you're right...it isn't.


your attitude is your biggest problem.

8 MONTHS is NOTHING When you have been at this 2-3 YEARS with no progress...MAYBE you can complain.

Your attitude SUCKS

This process takes two to five years.

It does not take eight months. It does not help if you are blowing up at your BW the way you blow up here when you read things that you do mot want to see.

Cause if you do, whatever you have done to prove yourself just gets thrown away.

Jeff, what exactly did you "come forward" with? What did you do? How long? With whom? How did your wife find out?

How long married and how many kids?

Why don't you try understanding just what it is that you have done to her. Try understanding how SHE must feel. Any problems that YOU have now, you brought on YOURSELF.

Try putting the narcissist on the back burner and have a tiny bit of empathy.

And stop whining, for god's sake.

I don't blow up. I do get frustrated though with the lack of progress.

It just seems to me that unforgiveness and the lack of meeting one another's needs will not make a happy marriage.

This is obviously the wrong forum for me.

I don't believe that I have committed the unpardonable sin. I have and remain repentent. All I have ever wanted is a happy marriage. It had been me that suggested we go to marital counselling long before my indidelity and she wan't interested.

I thought I'd vent my frustrating here so I wouldn't do it at home.

Jeff, what exactly did you do? We can help you, but we just need more details.

At 8 months into recovery your wife is probably going thru a perfectly normal anger stage.

You are still angry and unforgiving over a marriage that wasn't happy before you had your affair.

Did you have an Affair?

Sometimes you don't hear what you want to on these boards, but you hear what you need to hear.

That being said, please take the chip off your shoulder, give us the details of what happened, and allow these wonderful people here to get you back on track.

And then, you and your wife might have that great marriage.

We really need more details in order to help you properly. You can't expect anyone to get a clear picture when you are venting without details of what has happened.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Jeff, I know pre-infidelity marital detachment well.......I spent 30+ years looking for a Biblically acceptable reason to justify a D. (Saga linked to my sig line.)


Take a deep breath and step back a bit, Jeff. Read and reflect on what is being said. We're here to help you, even if it may feel like you're being blasted at times.

Most have us have experienced what your W is going through and some know what your perspective is, too.

You can get through this if you're able to relax your defensiveness and let folks who have BTDT help you.

Best wishes,
Ace

You don't get to decide that.

Jeff-
If I am understanding your round about way- it sounds like you had an affair. If that is the case- understand she is suffering- understand that you placed a bullet in her heart that only you can help remove. For sometime it seemed my fwh would poke that bullet right back in my heart- with words of "get over it"- it's been a year why are you still holding onto the pain etc.

Believe me- (there maybe others out there thinking this) if I could "just get over it" or "let go of the pain" I would have snapped my finger and done it.

You may not be aware of a look- action- attitude that you may have that sets your wife right back in to that initial shocking pain- she felt on Dday.

My advice- it takes alot of time. With time and ALOT OF YOUR HARD WORK- OF BEING OPEN & HONEST AND COMPLETE TRANSPARENCY you will help her.

Have you asked her what she needs to heal?
What you can do to help her with the pain you've given her?

These questions will help her... to heal and eventually forgive you.

Right now- forgiveness is not on the top of her list- I would say just making it through the day without killing you- is more like it.

Remember what you did to your wife in a few hours- may take years to fix. You need to do your part to fix this mess.

As far as you being forgiven- have you told her what it is you need to feel forgiven? At this point in the process- she may have forgiven you all that she can- with time it will/can change.

Amartini

Jeffy,

""I don't believe that I have committed the unpardonable sin.""

Since your thread title is "wife won't forgive betrayal" I must assume you were unfaithful and committed adultery with another outside your marriage.

WE here in the halls of MB, KNOW that betraying ones spouse by committing adultery is one of the most traumatic events that can be experienced. It's right up there with death of a child, rape and terminal illness. Except with adultery there is also the BETRAYAL by the one most cherished of the betrayed. So there is an added factor which intensifies the heartsickness, grief and despair the BS experiences.

AND WE EXPERIENCE IT FOR A LONG LONG TIME!!

So if this is not close to an "unpardonable sin"please enlighten us as to WHAT IS??

You must realize what you have done to her.

This is why everyone is jumping on you. You don't have the empathy and don't realize how terribly you have hurt her.

You say the M was crappy for a long time and "she didn't even notice".

But that is from YOU'RE standpoint!

IMHO

kirk

JeffS,

This IS the right forum for you.

A little more information is needed from you.

No one can help you with the program unless we get more input.

So how about a little help from your end.

I believe I'm done with this site. It's telling when the majority of the people who posted are former bs and they responded with such venom. I'm not seeing any evidence of healed lives here. Instead, I see responses from people with little empathy and even trying to see anything but from their own hurt.

People are posting from so called healed relationships after 5 or more years and they attack................I don't need that kind of well healed advice.

No, I didn't commit the unpardonable sin.............I did own up and still do.................it takes two to make a crappy marriage. It takes two to make a good one.

I wander how many of the cs are still paying the price that apparently the majority of you bs expect...........I know a guy who paid the entire price and lost his skin for me........I think I'll take his advice. He was right...........you can't forgive others unless you see your own sins.............!

There is such a thing of driving your spouse away.........emotionally castrating them.............rejecting them for a period of years and then.............the perfect storm and someone comes along and meets your need in the place where you have been hurt for years............

I am sorry for what I have done and my life is an open book now. I fully confessed, immediately broke off contact.........full disclosure........worked through a program..........answer all questions at all times......and yet

I'm told I must pay and be unforgiven for however long and only the bs can say how much for how long...............!

Seems like a bs needs at some point to decide if they want to work together to reconcile or to let the unfaithful spouse go!

So thanks for the attacks............most of you have shown how healed you are!

Jeff,

Please read the Success Story thread linked to my sig line. Many have been helped who were in worse straits that you and your W are in. Some of the earlier links are broken but the later ones do work.

I'll be praying that you will seek and find the help you need.

We are very early in this recovery process but my FWH and I are now having the time of our lives.....we are in love with a passion I only thought was available in movies and fairytales.

Our faith in God and the concepts we've learned here on MB have made the difference after 30+ years of misery.

Please stick around, even if you don't post for awhile. Read all the articles and Q & A segments here. You will find answers to your pain. Your wife will, too.

Best wishes to you,
Ace