Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 2 of 2 1 2
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
Wow! You've shown just how repentant you are. Your wife drove you away and into your affair...:RollieEyes:

Last edited by black_raven; 11/25/08 02:49 PM. Reason: typo

BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,880
Originally Posted by black_raven
Wow! You've shown just how repentant you are. Your wife drove you away and into your affair...:RollieEyes:

I wonder what I could do to cause my wife to force me into a shiny new vagina? think


Divorced
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277
Jeff, you sound like my wife, man up and face the consequences. If recovery is not worth the effort, then set her free. If it is, then buck up and realize that it may be like this for a wile, 2 years is not uncomon.

Originally Posted by JeffS
No, I didn't commit the unpardonable sin.........................
Your wife and God get to decide that, not you.


Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Oct 2005
Posts: 6,025
Jeff,

The 6-9 month mark is often the hardest.

Your wife has come out of shock and is starting to let her emotions out. It's kinda a post traumatic stress thing.

Unless you are a quitter...you need to see this through for at least 2 years.



Speaking of repentence. It's more than just "I'm sorry". It's a gift that YOU seek from God and once granted (from HIM) you will know what you have to do and how to do it. Such "gift" is not dependent upon your wife's forgiveness. Her forgiveness is beyond your control.

Please pray about this and seek out His word about repentence.

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,153
I
iam Offline
Member
Offline
Member
I
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 1,153
Originally Posted by JeffS
I believe I'm done with this site. It's telling when the majority of the people who posted are former bs and they responded with such venom. I'm not seeing any evidence of healed lives here. Instead, I see responses from people with little empathy and even trying to see anything but from their own hurt.

People are posting from so called healed relationships after 5 or more years and they attack................I don't need that kind of well healed advice.

No, I didn't commit the unpardonable sin.............I did own up and still do.................it takes two to make a crappy marriage. It takes two to make a good one.

I wander how many of the cs are still paying the price that apparently the majority of you bs expect...........I know a guy who paid the entire price and lost his skin for me........I think I'll take his advice. He was right...........you can't forgive others unless you see your own sins.............!

There is such a thing of driving your spouse away.........emotionally castrating them.............rejecting them for a period of years and then.............the perfect storm and someone comes along and meets your need in the place where you have been hurt for years............

I am sorry for what I have done and my life is an open book now. I fully confessed, immediately broke off contact.........full disclosure........worked through a program..........answer all questions at all times......and yet

I'm told I must pay and be unforgiven for however long and only the bs can say how much for how long...............!

Seems like a bs needs at some point to decide if they want to work together to reconcile or to let the unfaithful spouse go!

So thanks for the attacks............most of you have shown how healed you are!

Oh, this is new. It's not we ever heard this from an unrepentant and petulant adulterer before!

Come back when you grow up.

Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
A wonderful notable post from TopRope:

Quote
Getting Help: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity

Why saying "I'm Sorry" is NOT Enough.

Your spouse is devastated to learn that you have been unfaithful, but you are determined to save your marriage. You’ve apologized profusely.
You take full responsibility for your actions.
You promise that it will never happen again.
And your spouse forgives you. ( Or at least begins too).

These steps, while necessary, Are Not Enough .
Many couples make the mistake of believing that after the initial shock, hurt and anger over an affair has worn off, they can simply “pick up the pieces” and get on with their lives.
Only later do they discover that lingering feelings of betrayal and mistrust slowly - but surely - destroy their relationship.


If you sincerely want to regain the trust and intimacy that you and your spouse once had, you must follow certain steps.
They are not always easy, and they don’t guarantee that your marriage will be saved.
But these steps can go a long way in healing the hurt the affair has caused, and putting your relationship on the right path.

1). Be completely honest with your spouse from now on.

You must be truthful and open about anything your spouse has a reasonable right to know.
This includes your work schedule, your activities with friends, your spending habits, and so on.
Of course, if you had followed this step all along, the affair probably would not have occurred.

You might be tempted to think that telling a “white lie” now and then is harmless, especially if it has nothing to do with being unfaithful.
But your spouse is more likely Now to detect Any Signs of deception or evasiveness on your part.

And When you get caught in a lie, No Matter How Trivial , your spouse will wonder What Else you may be lying about.

2 . Fully Answer "whatever" questions your spouse has about the affair.
Yes, this will be uncomfortable and embarrassing.
It’s normal for you to want to put the affair in the past and “move on.”

Besides, you think, your spouse is already hurt and angry. Wouldn’t learning all the details make those feelings even worse?

Perhaps.
But unanswered questions and doubts can linger on for years, making it very difficult for your spouse to truly forgive you and trust you again.

And it is Far Better that your spouse get the information From YOU , rather than hear it from someone else or Find out some other way.

3 . Make Amends to your spouse.

This Crucial Step is Overlooked far too often .
Maybe you think that merely saying “I’m sorry” is sufficient.

Or you believe that nothing, really , can make up for the hurt you have caused.

But that is NO Reason Not To Try.
The best way to make amends is simply to ask your spouse what you can to make it up to him or her. Ideally, it will be something that reaffirms your love and brings the two of you closer together.
Perhaps it will something that your spouse has always wanted from you - being a better listener, for example - but that you somehow failed to provide.

The Purpose of making Amends Is NOT to Punish you for your misdeeds.
However, if making amends requires extra effort or sacrifice on your part, this may cause you to think twice before being unfaithful again.

4 . End all contact with your ex-lover.

You might protest that this step is unreasonable, especially if you see your ex-lover at work or some other place where running into each other is unavoidable.

However, the temptation to resume the affair may prove too strong, no matter how well-intentioned you are. Furthermore, your spouse will NEVER be Comfortable knowing that your ex is still in the picture.

So, do Whatever it Takes to avoid that person, even if that means Changing your job or Moving to a new area.

Recovering from an affair takes commitment and effort by both spouses.
Following these steps will help make that recovery more lasting and meaningful.


Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Nov 2007
Posts: 3,146
JeffS,

Many BS's & FWS's on this thread have offered some realistic advice, but have asked for more information from you.

You still have not been forthcoming with any answers to anyone's questions.

You have remained defensive.
And in doing so, you do not sound very sincere.

You will not always get positve strokes.
But you will get honesty and help from the majority of people posting.

If you are really serious and want to get the help you need, then put your pride in your back pocket and tell us the details about your adultery and what you have done thus far in recovery.

No pain, No gain!



p.s.
Remember that this is a public forum and you are going to get some posts that will not feel very good.

Some of the posts on my thread, early on, were edited out by the moderators because they really were attacks.

You'll get over it just like I did!


Last edited by tst; 11/25/08 04:37 PM. Reason: ps




Recovery began 10/07;

Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033
K
Member
Offline
Member
K
Joined: Jul 2004
Posts: 2,033

Hey GRUMPY!! Take a chill pill!!

""No, I didn't commit the unpardonable sin.............I did own up and still do.................""

?????????????????????????????????

And from your first post all I got was, "8 months ago I came forward"

So most of us here, still don't understand what the heck you did or are talking about.

You say you are putting in the time and effort to make things better, but I am not quite sure for what you are repentant.

You are in the infidelity aisle so, again, did you commit adultery?

And if you have left the building, buhbye.

kirk


CORDUROY PILLOWS ARE MAKING HEADLINES!!
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 252
A
Member
Offline
Member
A
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 252
Typically I do not post to WS looking for help because I know my limits- but your title caught my eye... see I often feel my WS doesn't feel I have forgiven him. Maybe he feels the same as you- I thought maybe I could gain insight from you- maybe this is a process for both of us???

I have explained to him I can only do what I can... in small baby steps... I can say "I forgive you" but that would be meaningless without actions behind it... right?

I can only take one day at a time... I probably like your wife (at 8 months out) was not really thinking about forgiving you to what you are asking... see I asked what you need from her at this point because I did not want to assume....

I know my FWH would have loved for me to have never mentioned the pain I was feeling as a result of the A. It was VERY traumatic for me... as I am sure it was for your wife.

I would also imagine that you both paint a different picture of what your marriage was like pre-A (or whatever it was that you did that brought you here). This was true for my FWS.

See with a little more distance (time wise) you will both have a little different perspective of the situation- my hopes for you are that you two can learn to communicate and grow closer- so that with time- your perspectives of what went wrong will be a little more similar then they are now. (so true with my FWH)


Please understand- I am not trying to bash you- only trying to give you a little insight into the pain that you have inflicted in your marriage.

yes I did hear the marriage was not perfect- neither was mine- that imperfection did not allow my FWH permission to have an A. If he had talked with me about it- I would not have said- Oh- yeah that will help us, please go right ahead. Call the OW, take her to lunch, sneak in her house after her kids were sleeping to boink her, invest time in her that should have been invested in me.... HECK no I would not have agreed to that. I sure if you think about it--- whatever you did you would not have been provided permission either.

And yes we were totally disconnected to each other- I see that now- and I was hurt so very badly- I can hardly remember some days for MONTHS after d-day. Give her time- be patient- you have taken everything you have done (your burden) and given it to her at one time. Where you have much time to slip into your situation- she was blasted with it- she needs time to deal with it-

give her that gift
ask her what you can do to be a better spouse (the answer may hurt) and with time she might even ask you the same question

Remember- we are human- and it is very hard to heal from the devastation of such a betrayal- let alone give forgiveness like you may be wanting. It will take time.

good luck
Amartini


BS-me 38y
FWH-39y
DDay-11-30-06
DS-14y
DS-8y
DS-2y
Married December 1992
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
_
Member
Offline
Member
_
Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 5,312
Originally Posted by JeffS
We believe in biblical reasons for divorce and wife has one. She can't forgive and we have worked through this program and one other as well as seeing a marriage counselor for months......should I bring up the topic of divorce..........we had a bad marriage for years and this is just proloning an already bad marriage.

Jeff,

If you're still reading, I'm hoping you can share more about your situation starting with the above bolded statement that I missed originally.

By working through "this" program, did you mean the Marriagebuilders home study course or the Marriagebuilders Weekend seminar or MB books/workbooks available in local bookstores? What other program did you try? Is your MC familiar with Marriagebuilders concepts?

You say you had a bad marriage for years and getting help was your suggestion but your wife would not cooperate. It seems there are missing aspects to be considered but I can relate to your situation.....I tried for over 30 years to get help but after my H's A, we have finally found an effective solution.

Please consider filling in some of the answers to questions posters asked so that those of us who have similar experiences can help you.

Best wishes to you and your wife.

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 1,277
Like most wayword spouses who dont get the "your justified" replies they are looking for, Jeff is gone.

Last edited by Gack1; 11/26/08 02:21 PM.

Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
The FOG is clear, and we are in recovery.
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Originally Posted by Gack1
Like most wayword spouses

I prefer waynerd

Page 2 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
1 members (NewEveryDay), 1,357 guests, and 77 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5