MEDC,

I have to admit you made me mad with this post. I ALMOST posted back in anger, but did not. In fact 24 hrs later, I was STILL mad.....then I was talking to Lala, and she pointed out that YOU the one who continuosly talks about keeping your guard up, snoop, do EVERYTHING possible to get the truth....told me to stop. All of the sudden it was like WOW....I did try to argue with her out of it, but the hard-headed woman wouldn't let me "justify" my actions.

Anyway, when I came back and re-read you post, I noticed you did start off with "please" and the you were giving me the 2x4 I needed. Thank you......

I will say, you have "burned my butt" more times than I can count around here with you "straight talking", but YOU have also been most helpful to me when needed.....I am humbled.....I'm going back to recovery now.....

not2fun

You are most welcome.

I am only concerned with your happiness...today. If I felt that calling the OW would help you, I would say go for it.

I am glad you took the time to understand where I was coming from.

Onward and upward.

Again, thank you for your kind words.

Well, I admit it....I was wrong. I shouldn't have called, and instead talked to WS about how I was feeling. Even AFTER I called, I should have hung up when she called back instead of being baited into battle. And lastly, I should have blown my cool, because that made ME look foolish and not the good and kind person that I am.....

WS did end up on the trip. I sent him, with my blessing. He was great while he was gone, keeping in constant contact with me when possible, sending me great tm's, and loving and missing me with all that is within him. He was only gone for a day and a half.....

I'm not sure where my problem lies. I think that when things START go good and go on an upswing, I start to sabbatoge. How do I stop this???

For whatever reason, the life lessons I have learned from DR. H and you wonderful folks on here sometimes "elude" me. I have forgotten recently that I have a choice in all of this. I have the power to choose my own destiny. I am the one responsible for whether or not to let this eat me alive and consume me or the work through it and be happy. Somehow, recently, I forgot that. I was putting all my efforts and concentration on WS and him doing his part. Then I was dissecting each and every decision he made to see whether or not he truly wanted this....even though he has been EVIDENCING this EVERYDAY.....he has made remarkable strides, while I, seemed to be stuck in limbo. Which of course made me angry with him. Angry that HE was making the changes and doing what was necessary to work on this marriage and make it BEST it could be, while I seemed to muddling along.

Looking back, I realize how my attitude that marriages are NOT disposable didn't help this situation (not that I am advocating divorce...) but that I stayed in this marriage because I didn't believe in divorce, religious reasons wouldn't allow it, but I also didn't protect, honor or treat it as the special bond that it is. Ya sure, I never saught divorce, but I never saught to improve it either.......I took it for granted.

And now??? I think I tend to dwell on all of this, because I hate to look in the mirror and ADMIT the part I played. Oh sure, I have done that before, especially soon after dday, but I have forgotten.

I also forgot Marks wise words of "I can't make my WS be faithful"......I cannot control him, her, only myself. And so maybe the next lesson for me to learn is how to exercise "self-control".....

hmmmm...I think I rambled a little long today.....

not2fun

Not,

I am glad you see the error is what you did. I was going to post a warning to you about contnuing contact with the OW. The law is a 2 way street and if she is holding to NC and you are not I believe she could file harassment charges if you don't leave her alone.

On a different board I use to post on a BS was actually arrested and had a RO filed against her by the FOW for harassing her. The FOW was trying to move on with her life, wanted to be left alone and the BS was breaking NC.

LC

MEDC,

Thanks...

WS said the same thing to me about my happiness....and the concern he has about what stuff like this does to me. It was a quite a "depositing" moment for me.

Do you see NOW why the "Be Still" thread works well for me???...I know you are not a fan of it, but for me, it helps calm me during the storm. Helps me to retain focus on the MOMENT.......

LC,

I thought of that. Though I am not very familiar with the laws on RO's and what one needs to produce in order to get one. If it was just her word, then she could probably get one. If she need to produce records, there wouldn't be any. I have never emailed her, called her, or anything during all of this. This was the first time, and I have an email that SHE wrote me, telling me to call her work every day if need be, to verify she was there.

Not saying I was right or anything, but it is not a harassment issue. But like I said, I don't know anything about the laws regarding that, nor do I really care, since it will not happen again anyway.

Thanks for looking out for me though......

not2fun

Hey chickie!

I am glad that you are so open to suggestions, and are willing to listen and go inside yourself to make the changes necessary to help your recovery. THAT is the MOST important component of recovery. The more either person in a marriage plants his/her feet and says "I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO CHANGE!" the harder it is to pull thorugh and have a better marriage in the end. You have always been great about acknowledging the areas that need improvement and then following through.

Focus on the positive steps you have BOTH taken in this very difficult journey and you will continue to improve and succeed in recovery. Stop focusing on the past, and put your energy into the present and future and the kind of marriage you BOTH want now.

And you know I will continue to be there for you and open up a can of the butt whoop when needed! :twobyfour:



Love ya, girl!

Good afternoon folks,

Well things have been on the go around here. Even with the little mess last week, we made it through okay. We had a wonderful weekend. We had a couple over for dinner Sat. We had never hung out with this couple before, though we have known each other for a long time (our oldest DD's have been in GS since they were 5. The dad of this girl and I went to HS together, and they have 2 other kids the around the same age as ours....). It was a lot of fun. This is a problem we had before. Not very many couple friends. He had his friends, I had mine. This was nice......

WS also surprised me with a trip to Chicago this coming weekend for my birthday. We will fly up sat. morning and will be going to the UFC fights that night...(that's right,,,,look for me behind Joe Rogan everyone.... )....

Yesterday could have been bad, but I finally remembered ALL those lessons you all taught me. WS was having a bad day at work. He didn't want to talk about at the moment and I didn't take it personally. AND,....instead of worrying about it continuously, I kept on about my day, getting my work done (I did ask if there was anything I could do to make it better or anything he wanted done around the house, he requested a little work on the garage....I did it....), not calling him continuously, letting him fix his own problem, and then when he got home, he couldn't wait to see me and tell me what had happened and how his day went. It was a wonderful moment for me....

Later on, he asked me what my #1 need was. See, he didn't know. I told him once that he didn't know but was also not wanting to tell him what it was because it seems like such a "vain" need to me (admiration all....). Anyway, we discussed it. He was shocked to find out that's what it was. He really doesn't understand the need. I tried to explain as best as I could, then told him that he could read the chapter on it in HNHN. I understand him not understanding since I would have been the same way BEFORE all of this......so anyway, he told me he would work on this.....but to be patient since it doesn't come naturally to him....

And me???....well, I have been doing my share on working on this marriage myself. I still struggle with the anger, the hurt, and betrayal. There are even times I find myself thinking about the affair and how surreal it all was. I still struggle with understanding it at all. And that's okay. ... I am going back to my counselor this week. I pray that she will help guide me through the personal healing that I so desperately seek. This is the one area I really messed up when going through DD's situation. I don't want to end up where that all lead me to, so I am taking my personal responsiblity back.

Oh, and I am going back to blonde this week.....YEAH....

I miss it. What can I say....though it is only hair color, I felt sexier and more confident with my highlights, and I think I will feel more like "me". It was fun to try something new and now I will never have to wonder what I would have looked like, but its not for me.....

Anyway, just thought I'd give ya all a shoutout and an update.....I'm coming up on those year "anniversaries"....hard to believe that we are where we are today, especially when things seemed so hopeless....

not2fun

Good afternoon all......

Well, I came back to the light. I got my highlights back and a totally new "do".....its shorter. I do love it, though learning to style it is hard.

I returned to my counselor. She was glad to see me and glad to hear about my progress so far, my having stalled and doing what I said I wouldn't do, and she was ESPECIALLY glad to hear how things were going with Jeremy and I. She said he is coming a very long way in how he deals with me and is feelings for me. Definately well on his way to earning his "F".

She also commented that I am right where I should be in dealing with this. Talked about this being up there with rape or loss of somebody and I am right on track. And now her and I will work together to continue my healing......

She wanted me to read "After the Affair", which I did buy, but couldn't get past pg. 4 because it made a lot of those feelings come to the surface. I am not good a working through those feelings in a good way, so that will be what I ask her tomorrow. She also had my get "Boundaries in Marriage", which I do love, but it is also a reflection on how much work I have to still do on myself......I know I do, but I do hate admitting that I do....He has some amazing stuff in there. I found out that in a lot of ways I have been immature and (sit down all....) I am very good at BLAMESHIFTING..... . Who knew????....I still as confused on some issues which I will try and post on later (I don't have the book with my notes in front of me at the moment...)

WH and I went to Chicago a couple of weeks ago, for my birthday. It was an amazing trip. The UFC fights were fantastic...Being there in person was just unbelievable. We decided we will have to one in Vegas soon. Anyway, the whole weekend was just great. Oh....and WS finally got to see me in my skirt... . I wore it to the fights.

As for me, well, I still stuggle constantly. I am finding that I when I am upset with something WS does, my brain IMMEDIATELY starts thinking of the A, sorta like I am already mad, so lets add some fuel to the fire. I have ask myself "what is it that I am really mad at???" and keep the focus there. Not easy by any great means. I also have been working on my sarcasism. It is a very concsious thing I have to do not to say the first biting thing that comes to mind sometimes. I did that this morning, it was hard...but the moment afterwards was good, because I was glad not to ruin WH's day.

I also am going to register for a photography class at the community college next semester. I am rather excited about this, though I'm not excited about taking up two nights during the week. This will eat into some of my time SOMEWHERE, and it worries me that it will end up being "our" time. Guess we will see.......

Well, that's the latest.

not2fun

This is perfectly NORMAL and continues for awhile. Eventually it will ease up and you'll be able to flip that switch in about 2 seconds. Remember what everyone says about the six month mark? All that anger comes bubbling to the top. Watch for that.

You're right on course. Glad to see you're getting help too. That'll make things a LOT easier.

Not,

You're gonna be a photog, huh?

That has been one of my passions for many years. I now work in digital but used 35mm, 6X6cm format and even 4X5 for many years (got my first 35mm SLR over 40 years ago.) For a long time my favorite subject was my wife.

So, are you going to be using silver or electrons? (film/paper or digital) If you're going to use film, I have three enlargers and a bunch of other stuff I don't use any more. Maybe you could print a few of my 5000 or so negatives that never got printed.

Might be able to point you to a couple of books on that subject as well. Just pick anything by Ansel Adams...He was my hero!

As for your progress:

I might have to start using you as an example at this rate...

Or start coming to you with my problems.

I would like to learn both. Soooooo far it seems to me that digital just doesn't give quite the quality that paper does. But then again, I have much much to learn. I am such a novice and beginner.....

As far as the dancing for my recovery??? Glad to hear someone can do it. Heck, just today, I asked WS if he was ready to give up???? This stuff is very very hard, and at times it is hard not to have my own pity party.....BUT I nailed down the feeling and decided to go the "Boundaries" way and OWN my hurt and pain. I had a good cry and felt better afterwards. I guess that during recovery I feel that I am supposed to push all those feelings away, which isn't healthy either. Sorta like a fine dance......don't be all whiny, weepy, sad, mad and angry BUT acknowledge that it is NORMAL to have them from time to time. If you don't, they'll just fester and probably end up in some big ol' LB fest, which ain't good either.....

not2fun

ps...any book recommendations would be great. You know me and my reading.....besides, I am fairly POSITIVE WS would love to see something other than an "Affair" book in my hands....

You know, this might have been the case a few years ago, but with modern digital SLRs like the ones around now, that doesn't have to be true any more.

There are now DSLRs on the market with in excess of 20 M-pixels. Printed at 300 DPI that would let you make wallpaper for the living room.

Digital and film have a few things that are different, but not necessarily bad or things that can't be dealt with.

With film, the shadows tend to block up first, so you have to be careful to not under expose the negative. But with digital, it is the highlights that blow out first, so it is important to not let the exposure to go too far over average in the highlight end.

By shooting in RAW mode and manipulating the shot with Photoshop or Paintshop, you can really create some nice shots with a lot of detail across the tonal range. I have pretty much replaced my darkroom with Photoshop. I can adjust gamma, place certain elements on specific parts of the curve and modify the final print with masks rather than dodging and burning like I would in the darkroom. And I don't have to waste a bunch of paper experimenting since I can see what I'll get in the print before I send it to the printer.

If you're really into film, find Ansel Adams books, The Negative and [i]The Print[/]. Also take a look at some of his work if you want to be impressed with what can be done with B&W. Just be aware that you can't manipulate everything like that with roll film since you really need to ajust one frame at a time to get the maximum benefit.

Mark

hmmmm....well I wish today didn't come but knew it would. It's an anniversary of sorts. Yes, the time has come for Not to face those dreaded anniversaries. One year ago today, WS and COW crossed the last and final line into Affairland.....wow.

I tried not to think of today and what it means. I tried to forget it. I tried to have a good day. I REALLY REALLY tried to "Fake it till you make it".

And I was doing okay....until this afternoon. Faking it is hard.

Anyway, I could look at the total picture.

A year ago, I was painting our bedroom.
A year ago, I cooked a huge shrimp boil for my whole family and some friends.
A year ago, WS and I were SO disconnected that we hadn't talked ONCE in 3 days, while he was on a VIP business trip, in which he was one of the speakers.
A year ago, instead of just calling him and finding out how it was going, I just let myself continue to be hurt and get madder as the minutes ticked by.
A year ago, I could no longer ignore that my marriage was in trouble......

And today????.....

My WS and I are having fun together.
My WS and I are doing the hard work of recovery.
My WS and I are more connected than we have been in years.
My WS asked me what was wrong when we talked on the phone. I told him some off-subject stuff but he was on to me. He kept pushing...all the while I was going back and forth in my head...

"Do I tell him what today is??"
"Do I take him back to "that" place, which could be full of good memories??"
"Does he even have a CLUE what today is??"
"Is my not saying anything going against PORH??"
"Just how honest should I be?"
"Is this just my problem and should I not burden him with it??"
"If I do say something, oh please no, will he come back with some unsupporting Fogbabble??...and if he does, can I handle it??"

Wow...it was a lot of questions just floating, with the New Not battling the Old Not. Finally, I told that the today is hard and that I knew what the date of it was early this morning, tried hard to be positive and strong all day, but that it was wearing on me.
I asked him if he understood, he said he thinks so...and then I bit the bullet and asked him if he knew what today was. He said he wasn't positive, but he had a good idea and that he had a feeling it had to do with the Dallas trip.

Then he was very sweet, didn't say any stupid fogcrap ( ) asked me to keep fighting the bad emotions and told me that he loves me...He was very AWARE of me and my feelings. Put himself on hold, didn't tell me I was trying to punish him, or any of the other things I was afraid of.....He just listened....he has come so very far...I am so proud of him (and yes, I thanked him and told him I love him....)...

The big picture????

A year ago today, He was in her room.....

Today, He is at HOME, with me, where he always belonged....


not2fun

And the MB crowd cheers and dances!

Good afternoon all.....

Bear with me while I rant and rave a little.... :RollieEyes:

Sooooooo....found out that COW'S brother knew about this affair. Even had email contact with WS... . Of course, POS Bro was knee deep in his OWN affair (hmmmmm....I'd like to say it must run in the family....but then what would that say about me???). He helped facilitate it and blah blah blah. ....Doesn't make me happy, makes me feel sorry for COW'S h and kids to have been so deceived like that......BUT none of that really has no bearing on me and my life right now. I thought for a moment that I might be responsible for telling COW'S H what a crappy BIL he has, BUT then decided this was not my responsibility. My only responsibilty to that family was to COW'S H and I did my part.

BUT it still burns me up just the same. Probably because WS and I have difference's concerning our own families, especially mine........oh well...the wind went outta my sails concerning this......

back to life....steaks for dinner, rub down for my love, and a good night sleep for me....

not2fun

ps...All signed up and ready to go to class next semester....woohoo....

Good evening all.....

WEll, it hit me the other day, we are 6 months out from NC. Things are moving along. We are still hitting the highs, and snagging on the lows.....

I do have some GREAT NEWS.....H put in his notice on the condo (or Lustshack.....). I know its about time and some around here wondered what the hold-up was, but it was not necessarily a boundary or task that I pushed. I have my own reasons and was never really uncomfortable about it other than the fact that it was money being flushed down the toilet. He has been home for 6 months, and other than a couple of nights of going there after a fight, he hasn't been there.

He called me yesterday to tell me he had put in the notice. I had just woken up from a nap and the first thing out of my mouth was "why?". Stupid move, I know. Not sure what was going on in my head. I think it was a combination of "OMG, we are really doing this?" and "Why now???". Anyway, he was kind of upset by that response (and who could blame him????).

He told me his plan of getting the rest of his stuff home, and I told him there were some things that were not to come. Here's how that conversation went......(WARNING....loads of fogbabble coming in.....)

me: "I don't want any of the bedding here. No sheets, blankets, comforters or anything else"

H: "Why? Its not like it won't be washed"

me:

H: "Why aren't you answering me? I hate it when I aske you something and you don't answer..."

me: "Because I am biting my tongue.....also, don't not bring that picture hanging up in the bedroom. I also do not want any of the boxers brought home"

H: "We already covered that. Those have nothing to do with her."

me: "Which is more important, you keeping them even if they mean nothing to you or getting rid of them because in my mind they have EVERYTHING to do with her???"

H: "any OTHER rules I need to know about?"

me: "yes, do not bring that bottle of vodka home either. Everything else is fine....."

H: "That is a bottle of Grey Goose. Do you know how expensive that was???"

me: "Yes I do, BUT it was a birthday present from HER....get rid of it....I am not sure why you are saying this stuff to me. It is hurtful and does not help"

H: "I am sorry."

me: "Well, I think you are only saying that to end this, not because you realize how much this hurts me...."

It went bad from there. Anyway, I only wrote all of this so BS's new to recovery can see that the fog still lingers from time to time. MOST of the time he is good about this stuff, but not so much yesterday. I had my fault in it though, since I put him on the defense early. But I had to let him know that there were some things that weren't coming into OUR house. Of course, I also know that this is all emotions stemming from the fact that there are some things that he still has to "clean up" from all of this. But we are getting there.

I can move past this a little better than months ago, only because he has come so far. I do try and not post about the bad things he does because I am trying to see him in a better light. A vision that I haven't always had......

I wrote often in the early days that he was a good man, and I still believe that. This little scene does not in any way, change how I feel about him nor does it end recovery......

we are weathering the storms one day at a time.....some days this stuff is really hard.....but then again, I wasn't sure we would ever make it to this point....6 months out....whooohooo...


not2fun

I sat down over 3 nights and drank her bottle of vodka.

I dont even like Vodka.
But I drank it

Sucks to be an OP

N2F

My FWH had a hard time putting himself in my shoes in many cases...didn't understand how lies kept me from trusting him..."But, I'm telling the truth now..."

I wold explain that everytime I looked upon the bedding or the vodka or the boxers I wuld think of her and him together.

I would throw some 'what ifs' at him.


Try this one, say something were to happen to you, something horrible, dreadful, and fatal. Are there things in the house that would remind him of you? Are there things he would want to get rid of? Pill bottles? Clothes? Even though these things have monetary value and it's not practical to get rid of them, it is important for the sake of remembering.

Same goes for reminders about the death of your marriage. Every time you would see the Grey Goose bottle it would be an awful reminder.

Do you think he would understand?

Good afternoon all....

Well, today is here. My 1 yr. Dday anniversary. I woke up today, not so good considering, and my emotions have been all over the place since then.

One minute I am angry for all that transpired, the next I am thankful we are in Recoveryville.

One hour I am hurt WS didn't make a better "decision" that day, the next I remember he was knee-deep in his "stew".......

One moment I am saddened that this even happened, the next I remember where we are today.....

I am trying to keep my mind on the positive. I know there are many around here who would love to be where we are right now, but I must admit that my mind goes to the awfulness of it all.

That day my world came screeching to a halt.....it has never and will never be the same again. In a lot of ways this is very good....for me, for H, for our family........we have grown, fallen, picked ourselves us again.....

But at the same time, it still hurts. Not as bad as it did a year ago.......but it still does. And the anger hasn't disappated....(I swear this has been the hardest for me to corral in because I learned depression is anger turned inward.....a place I never want to go to again....)......

ok...enough of my ramblings.....

I did want to take this time to say THANK YOU again to all of those who have helped me........I can't imagine where I would be TODAY without you all....

ok....going to make dinner, do some dishes and laundry, and then watch a movie with H tonight. That might be the best way for us to be together tonight.....

not2fun

:gobblegobble:
:happythanksgiving: