An American soldier is assigned R&R to a British rehabilitation camp. As luck would have it, he finds himself on a train traveling towards his destination during peak hour.

He looks for a resting spot while carrying his heavy rucksack. Eventually, he spies a middle aged woman sitting next to a Maltese poodle which occupies an empty seat.

"Excuse me ma'am" he says "May I sit here?"
"Young man," she replies coldly, "you are extremely rude."

Nonplussed, he continues his search but with no success.

He returns to the woman and her dog then tries again:
"Ma'am, I would be happy to hold your dog if you would allow me to sit there..."

"Young man," she chides, "I see that you are not only rude, but persistent too."

Embarrassed, the soldier turns away in the hope of finding vacated seating.

Once again he is unlucky enough to find the only spare seat is occupied by this woman's dog.

He pleads with her: "Ma'am, I am fierce weary and would be mightily obliged if I could recover on this chair."

"Clearly young man," observes the woman, "you have added obnoxiousness to your repertoire."

Frustrated, the young soldier goes to the window and opens it. He grabs the poodle and then tosses the animal through the aperture. Finally, he slumps down on to the seat.

The entire carriage is stunned and shocked.

Eventually an elderly man speaks up:
"Young man, I do not know whether you are rude, persistent or even obnoxious. I do know that you Americans tend to do things in the most peculiar way..."
"You drive on the wrong side of the road. You are uncertain which hand to hold your knife and fork, and now, and NOW.... you throw the wrong b*tch out of the window!"

See??? [censored] (I said b!tch) should not be censored! Especially since damn is not. LOL

I've been exchanging emails with a guy about a pregnant [censored]. She's in Germany right now. I like the looks of her. Unfortunately H doesn't want another [censored] in the house.

Hey, when you are talking about female dogs, that work is the appropriate word!

***edit***

From the MBDB TOS: Derision of the Marriage Builders staff will not be tolerated. Questions regarding moderating actions should be addressed via email to the mods or board Admin, Justuss, and not discussed or debated on the forums. -Maverick, MBDB Moderator

Yep.

She's a very nice [censored], I sure wish H would give her a chance. Damn.

Have you two finished bitching?

See... What the problem?

:MrEEk:

Well that's just a hellish remark.

One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story.
The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell a story. Suzy said, "Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the
truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket."

Next is little Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story.
Lucy replies "Don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

Last is little Billy. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war; his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun but ran out of
bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands".

The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story.
Billy replies, "Don't [censored] with uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Little Willy, with a grin,
Drank up all his Daddy's gin.
His Mother said when he got plastered
Go to bed you little...
Bad boy...

Fall Classes for Men at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTRE

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Friday, November 14 2008
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays--Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll--Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Urinate Using The Technique Of Lifting The Seat and Avoiding The Floor, Walls and Nearby Bathtub?--Group Practice.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor--Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks..

Class 5
Dinner Dishes--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM

Class 6
Loss Of Identity--Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Learning How To Find Things--Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
Graphics and Audio Tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost--Real Life Testimonials.



Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined

Class 10
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
Relaxation Exercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy--Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 14
The Stove/Oven--What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.

Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.
Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors..

I may need to sign my son up. He still hasn't figured out the dish part. Can you add a hygiene class for teenaged boys?

This is the one my sons need:


I fear I'm gonna owe my future DILs a huge apology for not training them better.

An young oilman was working some months in the Alaskan oilfields had some difficulty fitting in with the locals.

Finally it came to a head at the village pub when he challenged the company that he worked as hard as the rest of them and demanded to know what it took to become "one of them".

Eventually, his question was answered by a craggy old rigger.

He said: "First, you must drink a full measure of the Eskimo drink"
"Second, you must shoot the polar bear in his lair. And last, you must lie with an Eskimo woman"

"Fair enough." replied the young man "Fill up"

The bartender served him a mug of liquid that could have doubled as paint thinner.

"Right" gasped the game lad, "Where's your polar bear?"

Shortly he found himself staggering across the threshold of an ice cavern while firmly clasping a borrowed hunting rifle.

His Eskimo companions waited patiently at a safe distance while their colleague proceeded to hunt.

Suddenly, the evening air was shattered by the sound of a menacing growl. This was met by a human cry followed by a squeal, a scream, and then horrible persistent moaning until... nothing.

While the Eskimo's debated their next course of action, a tragic figure emerged from the cave. The poor man's clothing was shredded. Blood oozed freely through the fabric. The young man's frame had clearly suffered massive trauma. His weapon remained unused and dragged limply at his side.

The brave Eskimos rushed forward to offer help.

"What can we do?" they asked.

The young oilman steadied himself, leaned shakily on the rifle and defiantly replied:

"Jussh show me tha' Esshkimo woman I gotta ssshoot"

All hail the commenwealth!

THANKSGIVING IN THE UK

A few years ago, an American and a British journalist were discussing Thanksgiving on a British radio program. The American asked if Thanksgiving was celebrated in the UK.

"Yes," the British journalist replied, "but we celebrate it on the 6th of September."

"Why then?"

"That's when you chaps left."

Un Gallego va a Paris de vacaciones. Un día, el Gallego está caminando por los Campos Elíseos y se fija en una mujer bien vestida de blusa y falda corta cuando de repente la mujer se calle en plena avenida. El pobre Gallego se queda con boca abierta. Casi inmediatamente un hombre se acerca a la mujer y le ofrece la mano. La mujer le dice “gracias” mientras el hombre le ayuda pararse. Cuando en fin la mujer otra vez está de pie, empieza sacudir su falda y el hombre sencillamente le dice a la mujer “C’est la vie”. La mujer abre su bolsa para sacar dinero y le da un euro al hombre e empieza caminar. Pues en este momento el Gallego se pone encabronado. Está molestísimo y grita “YO TAMBIEN SE LA VI Y NO ME DIO NADA!”.

Pio, that got mangled by Babelfish:

Gallego goes to Paris of vacations. A day, Gallego is walking by the Elíseos Fields and he pays attention to a good woman dressed blouse and short skirt when suddenly the woman street in the heat of reconciled. The Galician poor man remains with open mouth. Almost immediately a man approaches the woman and he offers the hand to him. The woman says “to thanks” while the man to him aid to stop itself to him. When in aim the woman is again standing up, she begins to shake his skirt and the man simply says to the woman “C'est the vie to him”. The woman abre her stock market to remove money and she gives a Euro him to the man and begins to walk. Then at this moment Gallego puts itself encabronado. He is molestísimo and he also shouts “I I SAW MYSELF AND HE DID NOT GIVE ANYTHING ME”.

:gobblegobble: Uses for Thanksgiving Turkeys! :gobblegobble:

Fairy Tale With A Moral

Once upon a time lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts. Nick the Dragon Slayer obsessed over the Queen for this reason.

He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death should he try to touch them, but he had to try.
One day Nick revealed his secret desire to his colleague, Horatio the Physician, the King's chief doctor. Horatio
thought about this and said that he could arrange for Nick to more than satisfy his desire, but it would cost him 1000 gold coins to arrange it.
Without pause Nick readily agreed to the scheme.

The next day, Horatio made a batch of itching powder and poured a little bit into the Queen's bra while she bathed. Soon after she dressed, the itching commenced and grew intense. Upon being summoned to the Royal Chambers to address this incident, Horatio informed the King and Queen that only a special saliva, if applied for four hours, would cure this type of itch, and that tests had shown that only the saliva of Nick would work as the antidote to cure the itch.

The King, eager to help his Queen, quickly summoned Nick to their chambers. Horatio then slipped Nick the antidote for the itching powder, which he put into his mouth, and for the next four hours, Nick worked passionately on the Queen's large and magnificent breasts. The Queen's itching was eventually relieved, and Nick left satisfied and hailed as a hero.

Upon returning to his chamber, Nick found Horatio demanding his payment of 1,000 gold coins. With his obsession now satisfied, Nick couldn't have cared less and, knowing that Horatio could never report this matter to the King, with a laugh told him to get lost.

The next day, Horatio slipped a massive dose of the same itching powder into the King's underwear.

The King immediately summoned Nick.

The moral of the story......Pay your bills

It's not funny in English - only in Spanish.

It has to do with "c'est le vie" (french) versus "se la vi" (spanish). Both pronounced the same but VERY different meanings.