mg71:

Let me add a most deserved "well done". While others are coaching and encouraging you in your attempts to salvage what's left of your marriage as well as supporting your wife in her journey back from the "dark side"; I'd like to suggest that you begin to consider your own "recovery". YES, you are going to need to recover from this.

The "roller coaster ride" of betrayal takes a TERRIBLE toll on the betrayed spouse...physically, emotionally, spiritually! It will change you - YOU personally, in ways that you can not (yet) begin to imagine. So far you've bottled up all sorts of emotions and fought to subdue all manner of "natural" responses. In short, you've swollowed lots of $h!t. Evenutually the trauma of your wife's adultery and your ingestion of so many toxic emotions will have a very negative affect on you IF you aren't proactive.

To that end, I would strongly suggest Individual Counseling for YOU. Someone to help YOU deal with what's happened. I realize that there are many things on your plate right now, and that many matters seem far more pressing at the moment; but believe me when I tell you that YOUR well being will only suffer far more if you put yourself last in the recovery process.

It does NO GOOD to win the battle if you lose the war. YOU need to survive this too.

I agree with the above. This is a huge trauma and you need to get support. I had two years of therapy and needed Lexapro for a year. Got back to scratch as therapy, too.

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You with us MG?

Sorry to leave everyone hanging, but we’ve been out of town for the past week and I just haven’t felt like posting. But, here’s the update.

She went for the polygraph on the Saturday before Thanksgiving. The only new info I got prior to her going was an admission that they never used protection. She passed the test with flying colors. She answered every question truthfully and all of her answers agreed to what she had already told me. Still, I’m glad we had the test done. I had gotten to the point where I was doubting everything she said and creating a false reality that was far worse than the truth which has been bad enough.

We talked about this a lot over the past week and I think we’ve been able to lay some good groundwork toward recovery. We both agreed that the polygraph was a great tool that has given us a base to begin recovery. We both know that we are starting with all the cards on the table and no lingering doubts about the truth. The truth is that the decision to take the entire family on my yearly golf outing turned out to be a great opportunity for us to reconnect. I was still able to play golf every day and then spend the evenings with my family. In fact, the other 3 guys are thinking about doing the same thing next year.

I had ordered SAA and HNHN and they arrived before we left. She did a lot of reading while I was playing golf and the kids were swimming and that provided the starting point for a lot of long talks over the week. We still have a long way to go, but thinks are starting to look up. We are looking at setting up counseling, both individual and marriage. I guess this is the beginning of a long journey to recovery. I’m still not ready to resume SF with her but I am able to touch her and kiss her without triggering. I guess that will come with time.

I’ll still be checking in regularly I’m sure. We have a long way to go and a lot of work to do and I’m sure I will continue to have lots of questions. Thanks for all you guys have done so far.

Glad to hear that the polygraph and the trip went well. I hope you have some peace now that the polygraph is over.

WOW. I would place a lot of weight on this issue. She was willing to risk your well being...your life.. to cover her lie. That is HUGE. There is no other lie that is potentially more devastating.

It was one thing to not use protection...it is another to lie to you about that.

Yet another case that shows that every single WS should be polygraphed.

How did it come about for her to admit not using protection before the poly test?

MG,

I'm glad you have all the info you need right now. I still think it is kind of gross that she did not use protection and had sex with both of you on the same day. Especially gross since you were second.

The only cases of adultery I've read about where protection was used are the ones involving prostitutes.

Other than that, it's all unprotected, all the time.

The only reason is that it feels better without a condom. The ONLY reason.

If you're going to do something so naughty, shouldn't it feel as good as possible?

Damn I want to choke someone today!

I agve her one last chance that Friday before the test. I told her that any surprises on Saturday and it was over, that I can get beyond this affair and work on our marraige but that I can not and will not live with someone who continues to lie. She then told me about not using protection and swore that there was no more to tell.

I know what you're saying. I so wanted to believe that they had used protection, but deep down I knew that someone stupid enough to risk our marriage, her career, her reputation, and her relationship with her children was not going to all of a sudden be smart and use protection.

Not necessarily. The longer the A goes on the less likely protection is used because they are in wub :RollieEyes: . Maybe the first time but not much after that unless the female has more than 2 brain cells left.


I could send you the address of my OW and you can choke her out for me.

That's not what I've seen and read here and in real life. Protection is rarely used during an affair, even on day one. Almost all WS who claim to have used protection are lying.

These idiots are getting off on the "risk factor". No protection not only feels better, but makes it even riskier, thus more fun.



Happily.

I think I may have to stop watching "Dexter". So many good ideas...

Maybe. Condom or no condom it's all gross and there's still a risk.


That is my favorite show.

I find myself wishing he would alter The Code to include adulterers.

What's in the syringes he uses, anyway?

Despite most WS’s refuting it, and much like MB recommending a BS proceed as if an affair went physical, they should also proceed as if there was no protection used.

Your health is never something to mess around with.

Jo

Glad you got the whole truth, painful as it must have been.
Is your wife getting therapy? Sounds like she has some big time problem(s)? This will need to be addressed if you want to have a healthy marriage.
Good luck.

It seems to me that the polygraph test has allowed you to be at peace that you have the whole truth. And with the whole truth comes an ability to be able to move forward. Both when I was the BS and when I was the WS, discovering and unraveling the mystery and all the details of the affair were exhausting. It was the only thing I could think of and it consumed me. It also seems that your wife has finally come out of the fog somewhat to realize the magnitude of the damage done to you and to herself. I think you can see that the way you handled the entire situation in the very beginning is the secret to you being in the place you are in right now. Although this isn't a BEST place to be....you could be alot worse. Again, take this time to rest and physically heal. I promise that you will look back on this holiday time as one of the most memorable ones ever. My dday of my WH affair was very close to the timeline of your dday. That first Christmas I was SO glad to have my family together and yet at the same time I would have periods of such anger toward him for the pain he had caused. Take care and keep in touch with us.

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