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Just to clarify things...
I've been closely keeping up with the GREAT STUFF Not's H has done..not sure it's on this thread...
Like just recently, he came home and informed NOT that he gave notice on the condo...and THEN..she BLASTED him...rather than expressing her happiness about that FACT...
He's done other GREAT STUFF, too...
My perspective MAY be different and all situations certainly are not the same...
BUT our 6 year D-DAY ANNIVERSARY will be December 31 and in RECOVERY LANGUAGE to me it seems like just YESTERDAY..I remember it so VIVIDLY...
IMO, it take lots and lots and lots of TIME to HEAL ..maybe especially if it was a ROMANTIC AFFAIR...
My H was not NORMAL until ONE FULL YEAR ...after ONE YEAR it's like a LIGHTBULB went off...
So that's why I've been telling you to focus on YOURSELF...
I REALLY, REALLY think that NOT'S HUSBAND is getting there..
He's gotta a LONG WAY to GO but GETTING THERE...
NOT, let everybody know about the GREATNESS of YOUR MAN...you know better than I do what happens when you FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE!!
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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She sent that email but SHE also broke contact yesterday with WS. She got a hold of him at work. WS told me right away, which was good, but I was upset because he engaged in words with her.....but she was pulling the whole lawsuit thing on him which put him in a panick he said. I told him we needed to change that number, notify all of his clients, order new cards, and that the next time she calls just hang up......I was actually proud that he told me.
Now it just sucks, because WD gets to start ALL OVER AGAIN. Hopefully this will not be as bad, especially since this whole thing is leaving a crappy taste in WS mouth.
He is still at home....the only thing bad about all of this is that he is still in a foggy wayward frame of mind. BUT his actions are showing his sincerety in all of this......like most WS, he just wishes it would all just go away...... This was posted on 8/20...so WITHDRAWAL is just at the 3 MONTH POINT AGAIN...YUCK... The HARLEYS say that it takes a FULL 3 to 6 MONTHS after EACH CONTACT..I totally agree.. RECOVERY IS HARD...HARD..HARD...and SEEMS to take FOREVER...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Looking for WH's POSITIVE ACTIONS..for NOT to FOCUS on..on the NECKLACE..in September.. Actually, a quick question about this necklace thing.....
When I was trying to "unload" it yesterday, WS called. He could tell I was unhappy and I told him what was going on. I did make the comment "I'm just cleaning up your mess". Bad....bad.....BAD...
Anyway, WS offered to get "rid" of it for me. He would sell it and give the money to me. Should I take him up on this??? Part of me says yes, because it is such a turmoil for me, but then part of me says no, because I have a deep fear of him giving back to her somehow. I don't know why I have that fear considering he had it for months when he could have given it back to her and he didn't....He said I could have the money to do as I wish with.
We did scrabble a little over it, but WS wasn't having none of that. He apologized again for the A and the what it did to me, then DEMANDED that I go get a pedicure and not to come home until that was done or he would just send me back out. Can't complain there.....he is trying....hard. And I love him more and more for it......
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Good morning, Not2!
I felt compelled to post to you this morning. In many ways, I agree with Mimi. Since you are the one posting, we can only tell you what YOU can do in these instances. If your FWH were posting, we were sure give him WHAT FOR for continuing to turn away from you when things are at their darkest. THAT is when you two need to stick together most. When you withdraw, you take your precious marriage and create decay.
I agree with Mark, who is telling you to be proactive, to let your FWH know when you are triggering and by preparing him ahead of time with what he can do in those moments. If it's to zip his mouth and hold you, then you tell him that. There will always be time to revisit things, when the air is calm and your emotions aren't so high. HE will then have a chance to speak his peace and correct you where you are dead wrong. Boy, the experience I had with the Z did teach me a lot, and one of those things was to open up my mouth and say what was going on, even if I was afraid that he would bristle. Keeping mum is no way to live. How will you learn how to communicate if you don't communicate? Yup, you will probably mess up for a while, showing all your anger; maybe people can chime in with how to help you actually SAY these things to your FWH, so that you don't kill the message with it's delivery, so that he HEARS you.
Now, when I read what your FWH's responses have been to your fears, well, frankly, it gets my goat. HE's not there yet. Still a bit foggy. Neither one of you can avoid the affair and the damage it has done. I don't agree with carrying on as if it didn't happen. YEs, work on yourself, NO, do not hold the affair over his head whenever he does something wrong. YES, get rid of the confarndit condo. Even if he has to continue paying on it, it should not be a place for either of you to run when the going gets tough. It's a copout, and convenient place to withdraw, not taking responsibility for what you helped to create.
I'm a bit concerned that this was not a stipulation in recovery, that he get rid of that place, but that is a personal choice between the two of you.
Have you told your FWH where he is going right, and how much you appreciate that?
What really stinks is that your FWH could benefit greatly from this forum, from counseling with the Harleys, and it's not being considered. Is he afraid of what he will be asked to do? I wonder...
From the limited experience I've had with it, recovery is definitely not for the faint of heart.
Much love and respect to you, Not.
Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
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Check this out, NOT, after you called the COW on 10/13.... When I got home, WS saw how completely upset I was (upset doesn't quite cover it......) and was VERY WORRIED for me. He took me in his arms and held me, listened while I told him everything including why I triggered. He explained to me what he was going through this morning, which was NOTHING like it was in Jan.
Then he got very angry at HER ( ) for saying those things. I told him I was mostly upset because it seemed like SHE was trying to show how she was a better person than me......but it just made him dislike her more....he wanted to be my defender and protector.....
and yes, I am still struggling in this area. I know that its udderly ridiculous, BUT....I still stuggle.
Anyway, this is where things stand at the moment...and lessoned learned????.....be more open with WS on this stuff, though which is hard when we are still establing trust..... Seems like the LAST PARAGRAPH is what Mark was reminding you of, my dear...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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Not, I bumped an old thread today for you and IDWAD to read when you get time, If it hasn't been hit by tomorrow afternoon I'll try to bump it again. I also wanted to invite you to drop by the Vacation Thread on the Recovery forum. If you feel the need to catch up, read a couple of pages and see if the subject has changed less than ten times. If so, read another page. The whole idea is to discuss anything but affairs, recovery from affairs, dealing with affairs or anything related to affairs. Normal topics are food, vacations, trivia, questions about shopping :RollieEyes: and discussion of a lot of goofy stuff. It keeps a few around who might have otherwise left so that they can put in their 2 cents worth on other folks' threads when they have something to say. Drop in and say "Hi." We try not to beat newcomers up too badly the first few visits.  The Vacation ThreadMimi, I think you know where it's at too if you want to take a break (or vacation) from more serious stuff. 
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Like just recently, he came home and informed NOT that he gave notice on the condo...and THEN..she BLASTED him...rather than expressing her happiness about that FACT... Giving notice about the condo is great. But some actions should have followed that notice...such as having it cleaned out and turning in the keys and never going there again. tst's condo was one of the first things we dealt with (I'm talking within the first two weeks of recovery). And the people here told us how important it was to get it out of our lives and never return there and not keep one single thing from there. I see this condo as an emergency needing immediate attention. A FWS should NOT have a place to escape, ESPECIALLY if he's still in withdrawal, as Mimi said. Get the condo out of your lives....NOW. He's done other GREAT STUFF, too...
...FOCUS ON THE POSITIVE!! I agree about focusing on the positive, but don't bury your head in the sand about things that are hurting your recovery.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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Not - did he come home and apologize and recognize the true nature of the wrong done here?
Don't you dare apologize for being sensitive enough to recognize that your marriage was falling back into complacency. Any man who on an anniversary of betrayal turns this against his wife and goes off to sulk needs to examine himself.
Has there been contact?
Have you continued to "trust but verify" or did you get complacent too? Hello Miss Kayla..... Yes he did come home the next day. After a few phone calls and more arguing, he did waive the white flag first. And apologized. He told me how much he loves me and he wants this to work so much and "Do I understand that???"...Well, no I don't. I mean I do, but it is hard for me to understand why he wants it now and not before the A. But that can't be changed and revisiting it doesn't help. He did say (and has said this sooooo many times I can't keep count....) "Not, nobody has what it takes to make me happy but you...it has always been that way...". I've been like the dog chasing his tail,,,,trying to make sense of the irrational. I agree he dropped the ball the other night (he even knows this....), but I can't help but know that I did first. And even if he DID drop the ball, it doesn't excuse what I said....... Am I trusting but verifying??? Yep.....not complacent there at all. NC remains there...... As far as being complacent, well, he is trying to change his behavior towards me....change behavior that was unacceptable prior to the A. The hardest part for me is COMMUNICATING properly what those things are or when he didn't do it the way I would have loved......very hard stuff..... not2fun
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And apologized. He told me how much he loves me and he wants this to work so much and "Do I understand that???"...Well, no I don't. I mean I do, but it is hard for me to understand why he wants it now and not before the A. Because he has CHANGED !! The FORMER WAYWARD..and WAYWARD..are NOT the same person!! The OLD MARRIAGE is DEAD..the FORMER HUSBAND is GONE... FOREVER, NOT..GONE FOREVER... The SAME PERSON does not RETURN... Just like this has DAMAGED you..it also has DAMAGED him...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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"Not, nobody has what it takes to make me happy but you...it has always been that way...". THIS IS WONDERFUL!! WRITE THIS DOWN SOMEWHERE IN A JOURNAL!! So you will not doubt his SINCERITY...
I made it happen..a joyful life..filled with peace, contentment, happiness and fabulocity.
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SL....(upward and onward...), Oh girl, I missed you......Thanks for your kind words. Yes I agree with Mimi. I learned from Mark. This was why I posted all this in the first place. BECAUSE I needed help in where _I_ am, with what I am doing. Sure he could have responded better, BUT that does NOT justify what I said. And you are sooooo completely dead on about me and communication. I am NOT good at communicating, BECAUSE OF those fears. Or when I do, I end up doing it in a LB way, which get me NO WHERE...... As far as not facing the damage the affair has done, I really don't think he is doing that. Well, I take that back, I know that sometimes he is, but not always. He has been wonderful on many occasions. As far as the condo....it was a long drawn out discussion, POJA if you will, between us. He has done his part, I UNDERSTOOD why he wasn't ready to give it up at first (its piece of our history together....), and now its going away. As far as getting rid of everything in it....uhh NO,,,,,I WANT that sectional and the toaster......  .....I could explain more, but I know it will fall on deaf ears (as I have tried and tried to explain it to Lala many many times to no avail.....) but truth be told, it wasnt part of the R agreement, COW doesn't live anywhere near us so I wasn't worried about any "meetings" there and I AM OKAY WITH THIS AREA...... As far as the other stuff, well, we all KNOW why he won't post here, plus this isn't his type of thing ( you are all still "crazy"....lol...though he now LOVES Mimi and Lala....), counseling with the Harley's, he doesn't want to because we have issurance for other MC's, BUT I am getting ready to talk to him about doing one of the Weekends next year. He did like the one we went to in April. Got more out of it than I expected him to...so I think he may do it, when I get around to telling him aobut it.....He's not afraid of being told what to do....he'll do it.... and yes, recovery is not for the faint at heart.....I just didn't realize just how "unfaint" you have to be.... I am doing well this evening. Really. H is doing some wonderful things....... not2fun
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"Not, nobody has what it takes to make me happy but you...it has always been that way...". THIS IS WONDERFUL!! WRITE THIS DOWN SOMEWHERE IN A JOURNAL!! So you will not doubt his SINCERITY... Hey girl,,,,,, If you remember, I emailed this quote to you last spring when he said it......I don't doubt his sincerity, I think I really doubt MYSELF.....hmmmm...needing some of that self-love stuff... not2fun
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Mimi,
I think I suffer from the "Dog chasing his tail syndrome"....still trying to make sense of the irrational....KWIM...and it doesn't help me or the M.....
not2fun
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Mimi and Mark,,,,,,
Ok you two, this I wanted to save for last......
All I can say is that you BOTH are right.
Mark, what you wrote about being Proactive with MYSELF was right on the money.....it is an internal struggle for me. Has been for YEARS.....With the journey I am on right now, I am struggling. It is much easier for me to withdraw or focus on others needs, than to address my own. And when I get confused or need to refocus, I look forward to what you have to say. Even with your long winded posts, you condense it better than the books do....
Mimi, I expect you to be hard and I expect you to point out my mistakes and NOT to concentrate on what H did or didn't do. Because all I CAN do is control myself....
not2fun
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So how are things going now?
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So how are things going now?  not2fun
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I feel like I should....but then again..... not2fun
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I feel like you should too.
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I feel like you should too.  .....thanks....made me smile.... Have you ever been at a crossroads in life, and the two choices in front of you are not exactly great choices??? or easy??? (hey, we all know how I like to whine about the hard things in life....)..... not2fun
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