I got some very, very good advice from all of you experts here on the board on helping myself to not be an OW. Now, I'd like some advice from FWHs here.

How do I avoid you? I know it's not always as simple as seeing a wedding ring on his hand and staying away, sometimes he doesn't wear it. So I want to know what traits to look out for.

I'll start with a description of myself. 5'1", 19 (but I'm told I look 12), brunette, curves (I'm shaped like a pear).

If I ever start dating, are there things a WH would say to me that might be red flags that you wouldn't catch right away if you weren't an expert or something?

Karma,

Are you in college? That would be a great place to meet a single guy.

If I were in your shoes, I think that I would just do a background check on anyone that I met. Just verify....

My WH didn't wear his ring and told OW he was D'd. She began to suspect, but not sure what tipped her off. I think his continued lying to both of us by trying to lead the double life eventually tripped him up. If a guy is determined to do what he did, not sure how you would catch it out of the gate....

How does one do a background check?

And yes I am in college. I shouldn't have any trouble finding a guy (I play Team Fortress 2 and other guy-games), it's finding a good, unmarried one that's the trouble.

Don't have recreational sex.
Don't have sex before going on 20 real dates with the guy.
Don't have sex until after you've been invited to the guys home to meet his family.
Don't have sex without really really knowing someone very very well and having conversations about morals, values and they have shared their sexual history with you.

Pep

One more:

Don't use sex as a way to make you feel good about yourself.

Yeah, it's harder now. Used to be you could get a clue if a guy hedged about his phone numbers. Now there are cell phones so it's easier for someone who's married to give out their number and then lie and say they don't have a home phone (or maybe they just don't have one.)

You can probably still look for a tan line where a wedding ring would be--if the guy wears one at ALL. I know some men who don't, even when they are "playing" married.

Watch out for those college guys, though. I don't know about where you are but the ones I go to school with are a wild bunch! Even the ones who are married. Well, heck, the girls are, too! Yikes!

Charlotte

I have no intention of having sex until marriage. (Unless you count my brief SF times by myself. Technically I am still a virgin though)

I'm the sort of girl who is self-conscious about her weight (because of my huge hips and posterior) so I tend to keep myself covered up.

I don't know very many guys, haven't dated at all so I don't know the habits of those around here.

Thanks you guys. It's nice to have your help.

If you can inform any of the FWHs, I'd like their advice on spotting habits that they had when they had OW/OWs.

I REALLY do not want to end up being called Slag or Ho or SCQ on this board. You guys would tear me apart. (Oh how I love that smiley)

Oh...that was FUNNY!!



You want to watch out. Men LOVE hips and butts. I think it is primal instinct: "Woman with nice wide hips can have many babies easily."

Charlotte

P.S.) Be proud of your butt. It's better to be round and firm and fully packed than to be a "Bony Marony!"

They do? Weird, I thought they wanted the anorexic, 5'8" blonde with perfect complexion.

Heck no! REAL men like the "cushion!" (I won't add the rest of that cute little ditty! )

Charlotte

... that alone will give you a 95% chance of not being attractive to a married man!

It's nice to know being a prude will help me in more than one way.

And also--not to be a bother but what of the other 5% ? Do you mean the sort who are more so after an EA?

Don't listen to a man complain about his relationship with any woman - especially if he says his marriage is "nearly over", he is "separated", or "just about as good as divorced" or words to that effect.

Those are red flags.

Don't listen to a man complain about his SO, either.

Both lead to EAs.


Tell him to talk to his wife/girlfriend about his feelings, and step out of the relationship/friendship with him.


Pay attention. If you don't ever go to his house, if you don't meet his family, if you don't know his home life, he is lying to you.


It's not hard to tell when someone is lying.


At least it isn't for me.

Thanks, schoolbus.

No, really, thanks. I do not want to be the OW, ever. It's also probably a BAD THING, that everyone seems to spill their problems to me, right?

I'm like a female Dr. Phil. And it irritates me.

kr,

Don't take this wrong, but I find the idea that you say that you pride yourself on your apathy, and at the same time you say people tell you their problems at odds.


The two don't seem to mix well.


How do you explain that?

SB

I caught the same thing.

KR, this may seem like a DJ, but I will tell you how you come across. It sounds as if you really quite thrive on being in the role you are.
In fact, there must be some payoff for you to continually be the inappropriate sounding board for men's problems. If it irritates you, or if you seem apathetic, why would they flock to you to unload their problems? That is not logical.

As for ways to NOT become an OW? If you are seriously having to ask that, you maybe be walking a thin line already. It's not really that common to accidentally become involved with married men, unless you tend to get too involved too quickly.

Just be careful; I see red flags.

I disagree. I knew a girl once, whose main way of attracting married men was proclaiming loudly and often, that she was a virgin and intended to remain one until marriage.

Do you know how many men fantasize about "breaking in" a virgin? Hearing those words is a challenge; it is provacative. No married man has any business ever hearing your future plans for sex (or lack therof.)

Your conduct should be your barrier. I truly believe that a lady who conducts herself properly will rarely be "hit on". Maybe occasionally, but she will quickly be able to put a stop to it.
If a woman is constantly having to fight off men, she is putting off signals. And the same would go for a man who says women are all over him all the time. People who are receptive to advances send out vibes; people who aren't, generally don't.

Wow, I have a lot to explain.

I suppose it is because of my apathy that people come to me with their problems. I give advice that is objective.

Let me make one thing clear: Anyone who ever came to me with their problems was a woman. I have had no man as of yet come to me with a problem. I don't know where you got that idea--probably because I say "they" so much. It's a habit I picked up in technical writing...gender neutrality and all that nonsense.

They flock to me with problems despite the fact that it irritates me because I have a problem saying "no" to people who go "can you help me with xxxx?"

I send off no such signals to attract men, that I'm aware of--in fact, most of the signals I DO send off are "stay away" signals. Keeping my nose in a book, on the computer, short answers in conversation that sort of thing.

I don't dress like a streetwalker, and I don't flirt at all...those are the two things that I personally think are the "come to me" factors...but we know that's not all.

I personally never go to the apathetic for advice.

They don't care enough to give quality.

Objectivity can be found aplenty in the caring person. Plus, they make better friends.


Perhaps your dating life might be better if you spent time working on ditching the apathy. Besides, if you truly are apathetic, why would you even care if you became an OW or WW? Wouldn't really matter, would it?

And on that point, people who are great at being apathetic usually never make it to the altar. One has to give a (&*^ to make a relationship happen, and to keep it going, and to nourish it...

Marriages don't much make it in the first place if one of the parties couldn't care less.



See, I don't buy the apathy crappola.


Again, you remind me of someone else.


SB

Quote:

And you will also find yourself with less of a need to troll these boards poking a stick at people who have pain. Somehow, you remind me of someone else.

schoolbus,

You said this on the other post by this person. I should like to draw attention to this poster's activities.

karmasrose, you have revealed that you are 19 years old. You have not been married and are not old enough to have been in a long-term relationship. Why, then, have you come here and given infidelity advice, from your first post onwards?

You drop into a range of threads of people who are in very troubled circumstances, generally suggesting that they get out of their marriages. You have done this whilst never revealing that you are an unmarried teenager.

You should stop posting to infidelity threads unless you can offer Harley-based advice that you think other posters have missed.

I think you have posted here before, posing hypothetical or downright strange dilemmas that kind people here take time to reply to, at the expense of helping posters in crisis.

The infidelity forums are for people in crisis who seek knowledgeable advisors who can help with their crises. Teenagers with time on their hands should find other hobbies..