Your brother-in-law is his brother?

How does he feel about Plan B - is he fully on board with why and how this works?

It sounds as though Brother-in-Law should be the best, if he doesn't catch the "blood is thicker than water" syndrome where he becomes a "tool" for your WH to use against you.

Unfortunately I don't think that WH's brother will be the right person afterall. In the past he has given me advice to shut up WH and does not agree with exposure or plan A, so I think he would not agree with plan B.

Although, he has been an advocate for letting WH go and getting on with his life and staying out of the way, so it's kind of plan B with a few more rules.

I'm so confused.

Mutual friend told WH that I had called him last week, last night at the gig and WH was not impressed. He did come home to stay last night. Thankfully he did talk quietly and respectfully and he did not anger etc. I and mutual friend have told him that he cannot control me , I am not a possession and I can call whomever I want to.

It had nothing to do with exposure, it was Landmark related about me and life and my job etc.

WH just wants to make me wrong again I think.

So, mutual friend is not a good one either. He passes on too much information.

WH is sleeping now in preparation for tonights gig. He is out of the lounge and up in the bedroom. The kids and I want to be out here.

I have no idea what will happen today and tonight.

We are doing the Christmas tree today so I guess he will join in. Then we leave at 12pm for a 4 year old party and then tea at my sisters.

Keeping busy

Plan A.

This is unbearable. I finally finished my post and I lost it when I had finished and now I have to relive it all again.

You’re all right. This is still very much an active A. DS carried WHs phone to me this morning and I had time to check it. He texted her at 1:22pm yesterday and said “Fakey time”.

I don’t know what that means. I had left with the kids at 12:45pm and I don’t know if he meant I was being fake or if it was a precursor to him packing his things and “moving out” at 5pm. He came back last night and I think he's thought about coming back tonight so that might be it. But, it’s all bullsh1t cos he’s a wayward and there’s no point trying to understand him.

He got home at 3:30am. He sent her a text at 1:05am saying they were almost finished and ready to catch up. She sent one back agreeing to meet him at the casino, usual spot.

He’d also sent the pictures of the stage etc to both of us at the same time. If that’s not cake-eating…

Eblaster is working again and I had access to the emails. Today her band was playing at a fete this afternoon. I am 99% sure that’s we’re he would have been today while I was at the party with the kids.

I heard nothing from him today. We left and he gave the kids a kiss and said he loved them, see you later. Not a big “I’m leaving” goodbye.

He called at 7:40pm and asked to speak to the kids. I said they were in bed and he wanted to know why we didn’t call him to say good night. I said they were both sick and his note said he loved them and he’d see them soon, he’d taken all of his things so I assumed he had left and needed space.

He argued and huffed and puffed and I hung up twice explaining I will not be spoken to like that.

He has vacuumed again today and cleaned the kitchen. I am pretty sure he intended to come back tonight and just wanted me to beg him to stay. Didn’t happen last night and wont happen tonight. He left his wedding ring here, nice touch.

He has his phone off now and is at the gig. Mutual friend told him I’d spoken to him and WH is using that as major ammunition about me not being honest with him while I was demanding it from him, double standards etc. Job threatened blah blah blah.

I’ve finished crying, hopefully. Had held it all day. Spoke to my family tonight about plan B. They agreed that WH’s brother is a bad choice and would be too much on WH’s side and make it very hard on me.

We decided on a lady from church that has also done the landmark forum. Mum and dad will send me her number tomorrow.

Do I need to explain the background info or should she remain impartial? Is there a good summary to send the intermediary?

I am trying to finish the plan B letter now.

It will get better, right? I am feeling very insecure and wonder if I am good enough for him to come back to. I guess that’s why I am worried about the ultimatum of giving up OW. I think he might choose her (even though I don’t think she’d go PA) and I’m scared.

I’ll get back to just posting here after the second draft – it’s getting confusing.

For those that asked, I have read some of After the Affair and Women Who Love Too Much and all of Five Love Languages.

Add - Boundaries

Nothing by the Harley's though. Is it too late for me to read SAA?

Second Draft PBL for comments please:-

Draft 2 for comments please:-

Dear WH,

I know that you've been unhappy for a long time, for many reasons, some of which you may not be sure of. I'm aware that my behavior in the past contributed to your unhappiness and the emotional distance between us that lead to the breakdown in our marriage.

You have told me you need time away from me to see if you can restore the love you had for me. I feel so much for you as I know how hard it is to be away from your children. I respect that you have taken time to think about your life. However, you have chosen to spend time with one specific woman and possibly others. You have told me it is just a friendship, but you are still in heavy contact with her and cover up your contact, just like an affair, and I repeatedly feel like you have chosen her over our marriage.

I find my love for you dying. So, in order to preserve the love I still have for you, I must remove you from my daily life until you stop contact with OW.

Until then, I agree that it is best that you find another place to stay, while I stay in our home and continue to look after our children. I don’t want your relationship with the children to suffer and I will be as flexible as possible with visitation, but I must ask that you have no contact with me during pick up and drop off times. I have changed the alarm code, so please do not access the house and set off the alarm.

If you must contact me regarding finances or to arrange visits with our children, you must do this through a third party – Y from church on (617) 999-9999 cell (817) 888-9999 Office (800) 777-7777. I expect our current financial arrangements to stay the same and I still need your help financially to meet our current obligations. I cannot meet them on my own.

The children are home each night by 5:30pm and bedtime starts at 7pm. If you can, please call them during this time and DD will answer.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you in this way. I could hold on, and continue to make a nuisance of myself, but I love you too much to cause you anymore pain than I already have.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end the affair with OW and are willing to follow measures to ensure total honesty so that this never happens again, I will be willing to talk about our future, and the future of our family, and a marriage that will make us both truly happy.

I look back through our life and I chose now to only remember the good times and learn from the bad. I forgive whatever pain you have caused me and hope that in time you will forgive me too.

I hope we will be together again one day.
Your loving wife,
ARILY
2M2L

It's my birthday in 11 days and Christmas in 24 days. I guess the time is right to really let WH feel his decisions, but it sucks that the kids and I have to feel this too.

When we were putting up the Christmas tree today I mentioned that it would be a memorable Christmas for DD this year. WH asked why (skeptically) and I said that she was the right age to remember everything. She's almost 4 and I worry that the memories will be tarnished. It was WH that set the camera up on auto timer for the family shot and his idea

My sister told me tonight that it was a good thing to take back control as they watch me waiver all the time, focussing on the good, covering up the bad. Plan B is really scary to me and I hope I can stay firm.

I still don't know if he plans to come back tonight. It's 11pm now and his gig will finish by midnight I guess. I think I LB'd on the phone when I said I assumed he was leaving, so he'll probably stay out to stick it to me.

How should I give the PBL? Do I send it via email or wait until his visit with the kids, whenever that will be?

I still have heaps of his clean socks and jocks and he left his keyboard here today so I think he's planning to come back - tonight or soon.

So much of me hopes he will come back before my birthday and at least before Christmas, but I just don't know. I know you can't do a PBL to manipulate, but I still hope.

He sent me a message at midnight saying to band tonight's cheque ASAP.

I replie ok, drive safe, weather is terrible.

He called me 30 minutes later to "show" me the argument the band was having about his boss being involved. He let me listen for about 3 minutes then called back to say he told mutual friend in front of everyone that he had to choose between the band and his marriage and mutual friend told him to quit the band, so he did. He would see out the Decemember gigs and then leave the band he loves so much. He was insistent it was my fault for involving his boss (exposure and landmark friend). I told him it was his choice to quit. He said that he was not coming home, he'd sleep in the car if he had to, then he hung up.

Then he sent me a message saying it was completely my fault and not to call mutual friend and try to save his job etc and that mutual friend said he was not going to be bullied and would take my calls and continue to ring me.

I sent one to WH saying I did not need or want mutual friend in my life to be happy. My choice.

I didn't hear anything after that and he's not here this morning.

Eerie feeling today.

He stamped his feet but I did not beg, cry or waiver.

Melody re-wrote my plan B letter which is now really short and straight. (and scary).

Advice needed please on how and when to give it to him.

Sounds awfully fishy to me. Don't call the friend why? Huh. More like if you call the friend they won't know what the hell you are talking about.

A musician that gives up the band that easily? Awfully fishy.

Charlotte

I heard the argument but not the resignation.

He has resigned before but truth is his just a king baby (thanks KA).

He loves to threaten things for his power play.

Might have backfired for now, but I am sure this will be sorted, just as soon as I stop interferring!

QUOTE:
So much of me hopes he will come back before my birthday and at least before Christmas, but I just don't know. I know you can't do a PBL to manipulate, but I still hope.

2much,

You can't change him, only yourself. Please continue to work on yourself, stepping back, and stop trying to manipulate and control.

We all know you want your marriage, but will not get it as long as you are LBing and feeding into the drama.

You MUST work on yourself.

You cannot make your WS do anything. You cannot make him change. You can only change yourself. You can heal yourself and have a good life with your kids.

I think plan B is good. It will take you out of the drama and then you can focus on being a good mom, and a better person. You cannot be happy with what is going on. You may not have as much money if WS is gone, but I think you can get by. It seems to me you have a decent income and are more fortunate than a lot of people.

Have you started reading Proverbs yet? Next time you can't sleep, next time you want to interfere or manipulate, read Proverbs.

Stop feeding on the drama. Nothing will change as long as you do this. I know you are scared of Plan B, but it will be much better for your mental health. You need a break, and you will start feeling better once the drama stops.

Please, focus on the positive things you have in your life.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Thanks Miss M. A breathe of welcome fresh air

You are right, again. It is going to be hard for me to pull back from the drama, and I know the intermediary needs to be someone I don't associate with or am related to so that I can't manipulate that way either.

A tough lesson, but I need the space and time too.

I am nervous about what will happen when he gets the letter. I haven't spoken to the intermediary yet but have left a message. It feels a bit stale having to wait when I am so ready, but patience is important and this is very important.

Should I hand deliver the message to him at work once he's calmed down and talking, which he will?

Bugger. It just doesn't fit right. I don't know when he's planning to see the kids either but I could give them the note for him but don't want to involve my 3 1/2 year old in this mess either. Can I email it?

He just called, it's 11:30am. I transferred 2.5k into his bank account last week for the car payments. However, he called me today to say it didn't go through. My sister found out it went into her account so she returned it to me. That was a mistake that might be a saving grace for me.

He wants the money but I said no. I told him that he said I would not be getting gig money from him and I needed it now for the house. He told me it's my fault he lost his job in the band and so there will be no money anymore. I will have to pay for house etc. Not his fault.

He hung up on me.

Gaslighting?

I remembered that my aunty and uncle offered me money if I needed help. I will call them before I put the house up for rent etc. I feel glad that I remembered this last night.

I wish my proposed IM would call back so I could send the letter.

Just be patient.

Wait until you have your IM lined up and then give your H his letter when you have the codes changed so he can't get in

Get your ducks lined up.

Read ML's thread on what an intermediary is, and don't break your part of the bargain.

Plan B is to get you out of the drama, preserve what love you have left for your WS, and to keep working on yourself.

I know it's hard, and you may not recover your M, but you WILL recover yourself and family, and have the MB tools for a good relationship in the future. I am NOT saying you don't have a chance with your M, but your H needs to change, A LOT, and so do you. I know you want recovery, and that is what is scary about Plan B, but ya know, you have to do it for you and kids. You really don't want this kind of relationship, do you? What would you tell your DD if she had a M like this?

In the meantime, do a STRONG plan A to keep the drama down.

Best of luck, I MUST study. LOL.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

From the Emergency Plan B post:

You're so right

I don't want to walk on egg shells in my marriage ever again.

I have a great intermediary with T. She has been a friend for nearly 20 years (wow) and we were in high school together.

She has been a lawyer and a finance expert and a musician and can completely handle WH. She also went through an abusive relationship and did a similar kind of plan b (not strictly MB) and her H came back better than ever.

She knows I want this to work and knows the costs of now and before and what it will take to keep the info from me. She also knows he's an actor and will be super in-tune to his lies.

I am going to finish the letter. I think WH will want to see the kids in the next day or so and I am thinking I will wait and hand the letter to him them? He is avoiding me at the moment so I am not really able to plan A.

What should I do?

Hi Rocky

Well done you have set things up very well I like the sound of your intermediary --she has excellent qualifications for the job .Your h has left things behind to give himself an excuse to return might be a good idea to put them some where outside where he can get them without having to access the house

GOOD LUCK
All you can do now is wait---- the ball is in his court

Hi Myopia,

Do you think I should email the letter tonight or take a chance and wait to see him one last time? I could go to his work tomorrow with his things but that could be messy.

Don't know...

Kids and I called WH tonight. He didn't answer so I sent a message saying the kids wanted to say goodnight. 5 minutes later I called and he answered. He told the kids he missed them but he didn't get much out of them, they were too tired and are too young.

I got back on and asked how he was. He told me he was still at work because he had no where else to go. Awwwwh. It was only 20 minutes overtime! I ignored his pity party and asked him where he stayed last night, and, he hung up on me.

I'm sending Christmas cards to his family. I'm still technically on plan A so I called him for the addresses of his brothers. He said he doesn't know them. I said, I always ask you and he said nope, don't know, and hung up on me.

Sheesh. He makes it easier for plan B all the time. I fear his reaction will be bad. He is already so angry at me that I worry if plan b will have any affect on him other than serenity.

For his families Christmas cards, do I send the family photo with the 4 of us or the one with him and the kids?

Advice really needed. I do not want to do the wrong thing.

I am not an expert but if it were me I would avoid face to face as much as possible .I would e mail and give his gear to the intermediary and tell him he can pick it up from her.This is going to be hard but it is definitely for the best.

Hang in there you can do it

I just finished on the phone with my intermediary, T. She is going to be fantastic and I feel so confident with her on my team.

She told me that she will not accept any attempt by me to enquire about WH and will not pass anything on unless she is 100% sure that he's committed to the M and has given up OW.

She will stand behind me and respect whatever I choose but only wants me to have the best marriage possible, not accepting what I have in the past.

She has also gone a few steps further in her new role and was telling me to change my locks, reset the alarm code and contact the family law court about custody - just in case. The waiting period is long, but she said who registers first generally does not have to prove as much and has a greater chance of full custody.

Maybe she has lurked here before...

I am sending the Christmas cards to his family without me in the photo. It will hurt, but that's his choice, not mine.

What do I do about checking up on him during plan B? Do I stop monitoring emails, phone accounts etc, or just cut back?

I am sure that's a stupid question, I guess the answer is no, but I don't want to assume anything. I have lost my footing to many times by assuming.

Some of you asked what plan I was on that I could get it so mixed up and wrong... well, I paid and downloaded a couple of e-books on how to save your divorce when you're the only one who wants it and something else. Both suggested to move on, date, look attractive and tell the WS that you don't need or want them and wait for them to come back.

At all times I was mixing up everything. I wish I had put my story on here earlier. I wish I had only ever heard of MB.

I feel a bit stronger tonight. I will call the locksmith in the morning and get them changed whilst I know WH is at work. I have moved the spare key and need to work out the alarm code now.

Anyway, it will get better in plan B in time, one way or the other.

He just sent a message to go outside and look at the moon. It's a smiley face and it won't do it again for 106 years. How cool. Must think of a plan a response. Cr@p.

Hi Myopia, I missed your response as I was typing mine at the same time.

Intermediary is in Sydney and I am in Melbourne. I could have a courier drop things off to him at his request. He hasn't actually asked me for anything so I guess I should just let it be.

I will email the letter to him after 9:30am tomorrow when he starts work, and when the locks are getting changed. I just tried to reset the alarm code and it went off. The kids thankfully slept through it but my ears are ringing...

My plan A message to WH was "Not as cute as my moon, but you don't have to wait so long to see it again. Hehe. Its really special. Thank you for thinking of me".

No response!

I want him to only remember sweet 2M2L when he gets the letter tomorrow.

He was kind of right. He said he didn't trust the new me and thought I was up to something. I guess he'll put that on my plan B too.