The only one I know of is here but I have not tried it and I know there is small charge.

Here is what I have so far:

OM first and last name, OMW forst and last name, address, his cell number...but that's it. It is a very long drive to his house and there is no guarantee she will be there tomorrow night if I go.

If I go and she is there alone(since he will be at work), what do I say to her?

Since I am mostly asking questions now, could somebody move this to a more active section?

Thanks

Rusty,

As these boards are purely volunteer, they can become pretty slow on weekends, and especially on holidays.

Exposure should be done in the most effective way possible. If they don't have a home phone you can find and have to go there in person, then do so.

What do you tell her? The truth. Tell about the affair, all you know about it and volunteer to copy her on any hard evidence you have. Tell her you are doing this because exposure is very difficult for the affair partners to work through, with the embarrassment, two offended spouses watching, and oftentimes the affair will end shortly thereafter. In short, you are exposing to her to save your marriage.

Just be honest and open, and show no emotion towards her H, just deliver the facts.

Thanks. Will do. I am getting my brother and SIL to go with me. Would I be best to have her approach the OMW first and then maybe introduce me? I know that some women can be very frightened by a man they dont know just showing up at their house. My SIL also said that she would just do it on her own if that would be best but I told her I thought that I needed to be the one to do it.

I'm not sure what to tell you, but I think it would mean more coming from you. Take copies of your hard evidence with you and furnish them to her.

Ideally, you two would stay in touch while the hunt is on for no-contact, so you can check and verify stories from your respective spouses. Careful not to get too close though, as you are both vulnerable...

Well, didnt get to go tell OMW last night because he called and broke up with the wife last night. He told her he would rather just be friends and all of that because he didnt want to lose all his stuff. I told her yesterday morning that a man planing on leaving his wife wouldnt still be buying stuff like a big screen tv last week.

What do I do now? What can I expect? Should I contact OM and tell him if he doesnt avoid WW I will contact his W? I am just afraid that if I contact his W at this point, it may give him nowhere else to go except to my WW.

3 weeks, start to finish. She was still in the fog last night and still talking to him. I know the next step is getting NC, but how exactly do I go about this now? Our marriage therapist will push for NC tomorrow when we see him, just wait and see what happens then?

Rusty,

How do you know OM broke it off with WW? Is it because she said he did?

I am no expert on any of this, so I am hoping MelodyLane will find your post. I still think you should expose to OMW. I found out about my FWH's A on my own, shortly after it ended. However, if I hadn't found out so quickly, I would have wanted somebody to tell me what my WH had done. I would have been angry that others knew and didn't tell me.

You have a leg up, because you know what your WW did. The OMW is still in the dark. Is that fair to her? How can she try to repair a marriage when she doesn't even know it's broken? How many times did her WH do this? There is a possibility that your WW was not the first. If so, the OMW deserves the right to know simply for her own health (ie tested for STD's). And by doing this, it will help insure the NC letter is enforced. Four eyes watching waywards is better than two.


Good Luck,

Beam

Go and tell the OMW NOW! Do not wait. Waiting will only prolong your recovery and increase the risk of a resumption. Telling her can ensure the affair stays KILLED with 2 people watching from both ends. But waiting is a huge mistake. Do it now, get it out of the WAY so you can concentrate on your marriage.

You not only have a practical reason to tell her ASAP but an ethical reason. She needs to know so she can protect herself from your wife and her H.

GEt it done NOW - TODAY - so you can focus on recovery when you go to counseling tomorrow. And hopefully you have a QUALIFIED MC BECAUSE MOST ARE NOT. Most do not have the slightest idea how to save a marriage; they have an 84% FAILURE RATE and cause more harm than good because they do not understand the addiction mentality of a WS.

The weird part in all of this is that my W was actually honest with me the whole time. I knew every time she seen him and went to his house. I was in the car with her last night when he called and broke it off with her. She is taking it very hard. She even discovered a rumor was started at work last night. He worked and she didnt. He is starting to avoid her.

As for the OMW, I am still going to tell her. They live a couple hours away and that makes it hard for me to go there since I cannot find a phone number for them besides his cell number which I have.

Yes, he has cheated on his wife before. This is his second marriage and she has caught him twice before. That is only how many times he has been caught. The wife told me when she first met him and found out about him that he sleeps with all of the staff he can. Even thoough she knew this, she thought she was special. Go figure.

Does a 3-4 week affair have any less withdrawal time han one that lasted much longer or is it all about the same?

Rusty,
Weird? Yes. Are you saying you knew from day one that she was having an affair? If not, then she wasn't honest with you the whole time.
I must have missed something here. Does she work with OM? If she does, how do you expect NC to work? If she works with OM, she has to find a new job. You can't possibly expect her to not have feelings sparked when she see's the OM daily at work.

Mel might be able to help you out more on sending a letter to her work (HR Department)if she refuses to quit. Remember, NC means NC. Not at work, texting, instant messages, my space, nada! Can't have an effective NC if she works with him.

Beam

This needs to be done TODAY, rusty. The longer you put it off the farther out your recovery starts. GEt it done and get it over with.

But then you have the issue of her still working with the OM. She has to leave that job in for your marriage to recover. Will you expose the OM at work so he doesn't continue to do this?

I am very ALARMED at how emotionally dysfunctional your marriage is by the fact that your wife actually tells you openly about her adultery. That tells me that there is an alarming LACK OF BOUNDARIES in your marriage. Honesty does not compensate for the abject cruelty of your wifes behavior. Most waywards, even though screwed up mentally, do understand that adultery is WRONG and is very cruel and as a result, they hide it. Your wife does not seem to view it this way. That is very dysfunctional.


THERE WILL BE NO WITHDRAWAL AS LONG AS SHE WORKS WITH HIM.

[quote=MelodyLane]
But then you have the issue of her still working with the OM. She has to leave that job in for your marriage to recover. Will you expose the OM at work so he doesn't continue to do this?

I am very ALARMED at how emotionally dysfunctional your marriage is by the fact that your wife actually tells you openly about her adultery. That tells me that there is an alarming LACK OF BOUNDARIES in your marriage. Honesty does not compensate for the abject cruelty of your wifes behavior. Most waywards, even though screwed up mentally, do understand that adultery is WRONG and is very cruel and as a result, they hide it. Your wife does not seem to view it this way. That is very dysfunctional.

[quote]

I have alerted their workplace last week. She told me last night that rumors about them have started at work.

As for her telling me about it, I dont really know what is up with that. She usually tells me the things she feels like she can not tell anyone else. I have been the only one that she could talk to about things that bothered her for years and I guess that continued here. The only thing she used to not be good at confiding in me would be the things about me that made her unhappy, hence the problems.


Also, her dad is a mental case and had messed her up quite a bit. He and his wife actually supported her in the affair. They told her that they didnt like what she was doing but if it made her happy, go with it. Seemed a little bit conflicting to me. LOL

But anyways, I have found the OMX's facebook account and contacted her through there. Since my wife works and I have the kids the next two days and he works her oposite shift, that blows a FTF out of the water for 2 days.

Rusty,

I can't believe what I am reading. You say you're the only one she can confide in. She tells you everything, including her adulterous affair, but NOT what makes her unhappy. If she only confides in you, how do her parents know about the affair? You say her parents are ok with this if it makes her happy. Her dad is not the only mental patient in this hospital my friend. You all need a check up.

You have:

* No boundries in your marriage
* No "NC" agreement in force
* A wife that continues to work with her lover
* A husband that enables wife to continue affair (read NC, quit job)
* Worthless in-laws that enable wife to continue affair
* Her job that apparently approves of adultery

Let me just say that my FWH had his little chica when he was away on business. He traveled to another country to manage a large business he owns there. This company was a big money maker that had us well on our way to being set for the rest of our lives. That is where he met his OW.

Guess what? Not only is there NC with his OW, but he had to give up going abroad for his business. Translation....no more being set for the rest of our lives......but no more OW either. So am I richer or poorer? Depends on how you look at it. We are now struggling to make ends meet. But we are together, and working towards our happily ever after.

FWH had to walk away from a thriving business because of the poor choices he made. That burden is all on him. We could have never gotten this far had he continued to travel to where she lived, regardless of whether he seen her or not. So please don't use the excuse that she has to work. There are plenty of jobs available. No, they may not pay as well, but which would you rather have? A WW with a good job who gets to have SF with OM when you're not looking OR a FWW with a lower paying job and a chance to restore your marriage?

Lots of thinking to do my friend......

Good Luck!

Beam

They know about the affair because I told them about it. Her mom and step father lives here and her dad and step mom live 2k miles away.

Dont get me wrong, I am doing everything I can to end this. I contacted everybody-her family, her work, her friends, working on contacting OMW. We made contact on facebook today and I will now be able to tell her about it.

You have:

* No boundries in your marriage-This was my fault and hers. Whenever I tried to enforce boundaries, her family would say that I was controlling. They are quite the handful.
* No "NC" agreement in force-Working on this. Her mom, me, some of her friends and our therapist all have this as a goal. The marriage therapists no 1 goal right now is to end the affair, and enforce NC, then start to actually work on our problems. He seems really awesome because he is actually working to fix this stuff first.
* A wife that continues to work with her lover- Working on this. When I called and talked to the administrator of her work, they told me that unless it was going on in the workplace, then they couldnt do anything but keep their eyes open for inappropriateness in the workplace. A rumor was somehow started last night about that very thing at her work. SHe has to drive out of her way to get to this job from where we live and her mother and I are working her to quit. The problem is that it is the only job she has ever had that she enjoys, dont take me wrong...I know I must get her out of it and I will get her out of it. It just may take a week or two. I have been working doubly hard to make sure that until that time gets here, they are not actually working on the same days. If she never is there when he is, then it will work out.Right?
* A husband that enables wife to continue affair (read NC, quit job)-I am working as hard as I can on this. Not easy, and deffinietly not able to talk her into these things of her own free will. So I have to get it all enforced in every way I can
* Worthless in-laws that enable wife to continue affair-Thank you. Her mother, step father and brother are the only ones on my side. The rest hate me so bad that they are doing this not because they love her, but because they hate me. It is because I do not put up with their c#*p.
* Her job that apparently approves of adultery-Her step father has decided that if something doesnt happen really soon, he is going to take matters into his own hands concerning this. I have done all I know to do there. Maybe OMW can also put pressure on them to do something. His last affair she caught him in was a coworker there too.


If there is anything else, please let me know. I do any and everything to fix this. Unlike the ones coming in here asking

Rusty, I would strongly suggest that you send a certified letter to Human Resources and cc both their supervisors and a key VP. This very much needs to be exposed at work in an official capacity so they will know they are being WATCHED. This will also embarass them both and may cause them to leave. It will ruin their careers there for sure because they can't be trusted.

I have posted this to you before and I don't understand why you didn't do it.

Secondly, about her talking to you as a "friend" about her adultery. I think you have probably encouraged that sicko dysfunction by not protecting your boundaries with her. Allowing this has led her to believe you CONDONE or are TOLERANT of her mental cruelty. Her disrespect should be challenged every time.

In other words, every one is waiting for someone else to have the balls to take action! Perhaps OMW has some BALLS? How about *YOU* doing something yourself instead of sitting around waiting for someone else to do something? Such as follow my advice and send that certified letter!

nope...

I appologise. I thought a phone call would work just as well. I guess not. I have copy/pasted the letter on the first page and printed it off. I will be mailing it in the AM.

Anything else I need to be doing?

Rusty,

* No boundries in your marriage-This was my fault and hers. Whenever I tried to enforce boundaries, her family would say that I was controlling. They are quite the handful. If you read LB's, you will see where Dr. Harley suggests that separation from controlling or manipulating family or friends needs to take place. Outsiders, even if they are family, have no place in a marriage. A marriage is made of two, not many.
* No "NC" agreement in force-Working on this. Her mom, me, some of her friends and our therapist all have this as a goal. The marriage therapists no 1 goal right now is to end the affair, and enforce NC, then start to actually work on our problems. He seems really awesome because he is actually working to fix this stuff first. Not to knock your MC, but they really don't have a high success rate. We have gone through several. MB's seems to be the only thing that has helped.
* A wife that continues to work with her lover- Working on this. When I called and talked to the administrator of her work, they told me that unless it was going on in the workplace, then they couldnt do anything but keep their eyes open for inappropriateness in the workplace. A rumor was somehow started last night about that very thing at her work. SHe has to drive out of her way to get to this job from where we live and her mother and I are working her to quit. The problem is that it is the only job she has ever had that she enjoys, dont take me wrong...I know I must get her out of it and I will get her out of it. It just may take a week or two. I have been working doubly hard to make sure that until that time gets here, they are not actually working on the same days. If she never is there when he is, then it will work out.Right?
WRONG! You can't guarantee that they will never see each other. She has to quit NOW! No matter how much she LIKES her job, it shouldn't come before the marriage.
* A husband that enables wife to continue affair (read NC, quit job)-I am working as hard as I can on this. Not easy, and deffinietly not able to talk her into these things of her own free will. So I have to get it all enforced in every way I canHave you heard of Plan A and B? Sounds like you should consider a Plan B
* Worthless in-laws that enable wife to continue affair-Thank you. Her mother, step father and brother are the only ones on my side. The rest hate me so bad that they are doing this not because they love her, but because they hate me. It is because I do not put up with their c#*p.Are they the ones that live so far away?.....sorry I forget.
* Her job that apparently approves of adultery-Her step father has decided that if something doesnt happen really soon, he is going to take matters into his own hands concerning this. I have done all I know to do there. Maybe OMW can also put pressure on them to do something. His last affair she caught him in was a coworker there too.Well, they might not be "doing" anything on company time, but the exposed affair is now causing rumors. That sounds unproductive to me. But since they aren't going to do anything about it, that is where you step in....remember, she HAS TO QUIT no matter how much she likes her job.


If I sounded harsh, I don't mean to be. But you have got to "go or get off the pot" so to speak. If you let this drag out, waiting for this, checking if that works, you will only be postponing the inevitable.

Good Luck!

Beam

Did you address it to the HR director and cc their respective bosses and a KEY company VP?