Don't forget, it isn't THEIR life, nor mine.

We're just strangers on the internet (some stranger than others! )

It IS your life, though.

The Harleys can work with you while you're working with your lawyer.

For what it's worth, I agree that you need more intelligence in order for your exposure 2 carry more weight. And though many people here appear 2 be frantically trying you 2 force an end 2 the affair before it goes physical (which it probably already has) and are angry because you don't appear 2 be following their advice, the simple truth is that there's probably nothing you can do 2 prevent it at this point. Even after exposure, many WSs will try 2 "carry on" as if the interference didn't happen. Until they want 2 end it (for whatever reason - pressure from you takes the "fun" out of it, or the fantasy bubble bursts on its own), they won't end it.

Be sure and look up "WAT's quick start guide for betrayed spouses". I think it's on the top of the Just Found Out or Plan A/B forum.

Also, be sure 2 read on the plan A/B forum, in addition 2 reading the main page articles and calling the Harleys.

-ol' 2long

2long - I agree with you 100%. Every since I have posted it seems like everyone has told me to expose, expose, expose. And the whole time I have told everyone that I tried that with OMW FIRST, and she chose to believe her H. That has been my whole reasoning for gathering as much evidence that I can to be able to expose with proof. That proof does not have to be them sleeping together. It has to be a pattern, and any physical contact. I have a very good lawyer and I am going on his advice. I have tried to let everyone know the laws in this state. it is not an excuse for not doing anything and it is not inaction. I spoke with 3 lawyers before I picked the one I have now. I knwo there is probably no way to stop an affair. My W has even said if she wanted to do something there is nothing I could do to stop it, and that is true, but I can catch it for all of the right reasons. I came here to get as much knowledge and advice on affairs as I could, but some of the advice seems to be more of attacks on what people think I am not doing. At this point I am doing everything in my power to prove this thing for what it is.

I gave it back so there would not be a physical confrontation in front of my keds and I looked liek the bad guy. My W was ready to get physical over that phone, and I am not about to get physical with a woman in any form or fashion whether she is wayward or not. That is not the kind of person I am. I could have taken it and ran outside or something, but the way that she was carrying on about it in front of the kids made the situation very volitile.

So don't.

Here's what you could have done.

1. Taken away the phone and destroyed it.

2. If she got physical, make sure the kids are safe (ask them to go to their rooms), then called the police and registered a report. Let them come over and document the situation. Explain to them why you felt it necessary to take away the phone. Let her explain why she chose to abuse you about the phone, in front of the children too. All nicely logged and ready for that time that you may need all the evidence you need to get her out of the house and away from the kids.

You've got to have some strategy in place man, instead of reacting to your WW and backing down like that. Now, with your humble return of the phone, you just look weak to her.

Finally! After 30 pages HG found someone who agree's with his inaction!

Well, you 2 carry on! Be sure to let us know when you start your new thread..."Why didn't I try to stop my wife from doing OM'?

How would have looked to the police that I took her phone from her. She could have told them that I was the one that got physical. It would have been a case of her word against mine. I will get the phone again you can count on it, and it will be in better circumstances.

I have agreed with you on some issues as well, and I agree on this one. Have a nice life. there will not be a new thread. If there it is will be how I got my evidence and it will be to HELP others that have gone through this. I have not been looking for someone to agree with me, only the right way to go about this sitch.

You would have looked like an H who was upset because his WW was cheating right in front of him. You would have also looked like an H who was being abused because he chose to stand up and do something about it. And all of that, including the texting behaviour that led to the confrontation WOULD HAVE BEEN DOCUMENTED.



You would have had all the evidence of the texting on the phone to back up your version of events. What reasonable explanation do you think she could have given them about the texting??

Even if the police remained neutral on the matter, you would have thrown a lot more light on to the A and also strongly indicated to your WW by your actions that you were not prepared to have her openly commit adultery in front of you. But the main point here is that it will have all been legally documented, so later on you can draw reference to the police report if necessary. Finally, if she knows that you're fully-prepared to call the police into your home if she chooses to get physical with you, she may likely hesitate before doing it again.

Well, I guess in the heat o fthe moment you do not think that way. I try and be a good role model and my youngest daughter was setting there watching the whole thing. I guess that I did not think it was a good idea at the time. My youngest did make the comment that mommy does not have a boyfriend. I also do not think that the police would look at text messages as cheating or any reason for me to call them into the home. I do agree that it would have been good evidence for later on. She knows that I will call the police to my home. Back when I had to go to her toxic friends house to get my kids because my W was drunk I todl her then with phone in hand if she made a scene I would call the police. She did not make a scene. I will get the phone again, and this time I will keep it. What is kind of funny though when I took the phone she was like give me my phone back that is my phone I paid for it with my money your invading my privacy. I just replied by the way dear that phone was paid for with left over money that I saved. She is so self centered and selfish that everything to her in our home is MY. I looked at her and said that is not my chair, my couch, my tv, my, my, my it all belongs to the family.

If you stop reacting and firm up that plan of yours, then you'll be less likely to get caught off-guard by moments like that.



That's because you are choosing to keep your children in the dark about what's really going on with your WW, their mother. You need to let them know that what your WW is doing is wrong. They are looking to their parents for moral guidance and support, and it's plainly obvious that your WW is incapable of providing that right now. Do you want your daughter to grow up thinking that it's ok to do the things that your WW is doing?



First of all, you'd be calling them for spousal abuse against you, not for text messages. Doesn't matter what they believe about the text messages. Once the *fact* that the text messages are what led you to confiscating the phone, and the *fact* that she got physical with you are recorded, that will be to your benefit if/when you file on the basis of adultery, and if/wen the custody battle starts.

I never said I agree with his inaction, chiefly because I never agreed with you and others on this thread that he's been inactive.


Why didn't you? I think an honest answer, from your own perspective as 2 the way you dealt with your W's multiple affairs and how it is relevant 2 hogfan's sitch would be interesting. And I'm not being sarcastic. But I am suggesting that the back-and-forth between you, others, and hogfan over this perceived "inaction" is a counterproductive waste of everyone's time.

-ol' 2long

Thanks, and no I do not want my daughters to grow up like that. I have talked with them, and told them what is going on. they are just so young, and I do think they fully understand what their mother has done to the family.

2long - I am going to get my evidence and I feel like it will be this Friday when I have my kids with me and we are out of town and th PI is watching her. My w will have the house and the evening to herself???? Could get interesting. There is a voice recorder in her car and will be there all week. When I get this evidence I will perform a massive exposure. I have already gotten her bosses email address, OMW phone number and email, and am ready on that front. Just need the proof to be believed.

Before you start asking about my 'why's' maybe you should understand my 'sitch'? My wife never had an affair, she just [censored] strangers.

When I read about the success stories here (mine included) most of them include stopping the A in it's tracks. Maybe yours was in the minority?

Not many men can knowlingly let their wife trot out the door for an OM pole ride then Plan A her when she decides to come home.

iam - I agree. That is why I am not longer plan a'ing her. There is no way I can do that with what she is doing. I do not let my wife trot anywhere, but I can not tell her what to do or even stop her. I am in the process of stopping this. Is it to late? Maybe, but maybe not. I need to do this my way. I do not even know if I could ever trust her again anyway after all of this. But I will blow this thing up very soon, and to everyone that I know.

I don't make the distinction. Sorry.


No.


Agreed (I couldn't), but some can. And do. And they do it because they know, as WAT describes, that the best way for the affair 2 end is for the BS NOT 2 interfere with it. Interfering simply drives the affairees further underground - they just get more clever at hiding.

-ol' 2long

2long - I agree with them going further underground when you confront them. When I confrotned my ww with OM2 is when she changed her password on her online cell phone account, put a password on her handset so I could not look at the phone, and started going to the bathroom to text OM. She took it very far underground, or at least tried to. what are your thoughts as to the way I am going about getting the evidence that I need. I am not sure of your sitch. How did you find out or catch?

Actually, the best way for an affair to end would put a BS in prison, exposure is the next best thing.

When I found the emails between my W and Rat Meat, back in jan 2002, we had one of those local ISPs with a "family" email account package deal that came with 4 usernames. Each account had its own in boxes, but all the out mail was in one folder! I was the "owner" of the account. The "funny" thing for me was that the affair was so low key and had been for so long (RM lives 2 states away and they only saw one another once or 2wice a year), that I didn't suspect anything when I found out by accident. I just thought our marriage was mediocre. That day, I had gotten an email from the ISP saying that we needed to clear disk space, so I was going through my emails and deleting those with attached pic2res that I'd sent or received from amateur astronomer friends. When I got through the emails I'd received, I started deleting the ones I'd sent. Most of these I simply clicked on from the main folder, opened 2 check them, then deleted them if they weren't needed. But as luck would have it, one of them I hit "delete" while viewing the message, and so the next message in the queue opened up - and it happened 2 be from RM 2 my W, about a meeting they'd had 2 months before. Obviously, I read and downloaded every message I could find after that.

So, I had plenty of evidence 2 confront her with, and did so that evening when I got home. She denied anything inappropriate, at first, but when I snooped on her laptop a few days later and found more that she'd deleted from the server, she came clean.

So, I never had 2 hire a PI or hide recorders or GPS devices.

As for your sitch, I would think that the evidence gathering you're doing at the moment is appropriate if you're making a case for divorce, particularly if you can file on grounds of infidelity in your state.

But if you're trying 2 save your marriage, you might not need much more - it should be sufficient 2 simply assume she's in a PA until or unless she convinces you otherwise (which she's not likely 2 even want 2 try 2 do at this time). In that case, getting the Harleys 2 help you with a plan for your sitch makes the most sense.

-ol' 2long

Exposure is really the best thing from the get go.

If the BS goes 2 prison for getting midieval on the OP's hiney, they might still be there long after the affair burns out. That would be a shame.

-ol' 2long