hf,

I've read your thread.

I'm trying my best to wean myself from this website, and haven't posted in weeks, but I will not turn away from a fellow BH who asks for my help.

However, you may not like what I am about to tell you, but you will get it straight based on the experience that I wish I had never earned.

1st - exposure is worthless in your case. Exposure is only beneficial if you want to save your M, and have the ability to do so ... YOU DO NOT. You have shown by your (in)actions that you don't have the ability to stand up to your WW and set the bar near high enough for what could be defined as a successful recovery. Recovery from infidelity is awful, and you simply don't have the necessary tools to complete the job ... (i.e. the backbone to stand up for yourself and more importantly, a WW worthy of you or your efforts.)

You see, recovery can only occur "IF" you have a WW who is willing to take a long hard look at themselves and do the heavy lifting necessary to change and offer you some form of "just compensation" for her actions. Unfortunately, you have an unremorseful and unrepentent multiple cheater, who doesn't give a d@amn that you've found out about her A and continues to rub your face in it.

WW's are a completely different animal that a WH ... in most cases that we've observed, once a W goes Wayward, they have, in effect, already left the M and their family. Unless you have a WW that is willing to go NC IMMEDIATELY upon discovery and fully recommit, then your chances of a successful R are basically nil, regardless of what a lot of well meaning, but passive, other posters may tell you.

2nd - I'm not impressed with your descriptions of your attorney. He also seems way too passive for the mission ahead.

You see, you have lost your W. Now your job is to protect your family, and you do that by gaining full custody of your D's and keeping them away from your WW's OM (plural).

I think you are doing the right thing by hiring a professional PI, but the mission is not to gain enough evidence to expose, but to get enough "LEGAL" evidence to gain full custody of your D's and a favorable property settlement for yourself in COURT.

You are now in a WAR for you and your D's future, and I would give serious consideration into calling the father's rights attorneys that medc suggested. In these situations, go with the PROVEN WINNERS, and hire the baddest, meanest SOB's you can retain and blow up your affairee's world in the courtroom. That way, you get what is really important ... protection for your family, and also a little bonus for yourself by reclaiming a measure of your self-respect by standing up for yourself.

In the meantime, you will need to be "James Bond" cool, so as not to tip your hand. THIS WILL BE HE11, but you can't change that part ... you just have to stay smart and give her the rope to hang herself through her own actions that the PI will observe and document.

Ignore your WW as much as possible ... do fun things with your D's, and allow the affairee's to self destruct, and then use their own actions to secure a better future for your family.

You can't change the past ... you can only have an infuence on the future, and you only get ONE CHANCE ... don't allow your remaining feelings for your WW to screw up that chance.

THIS SUCKS, we all KNOW that, but don't disregard the wisdom of those who have experienced this before you.

I know I was hard on you, but please take this from one BH to another BH ... also as a katfan to a hogfan ... one southern gentleman to another ... hold your head high and dust off your pride. Your self-respect CAN NOT be taken from you by your WW or the OM, you will only lose it, if you GIVE it to them through continued INACTION.

Now, quit sitting around wringing your hands over what your WW is doing and do what needs to be done to protect your family.

Well, it can't even start as long as she's there actively twisting the machete in your wound!!

I do not have the words to express the time.

It happens in such miniscule incriments, till one day you wake up and no longer hope that it was all a bad dream even before you open your eyes.

Now - over 2 years later - I wake up and before I open my eyes, I hope that my life right now isn't the dream because it is so GOOD.

It is shelved. I look at it every once in awhile and say, "yep, that $ucked big ol' donkey boohooba..." but there is only a smidge of an ache now and then...which is a vast improvement over the bazillionth degree burns and massive bleeding I used to feel.

Thanks for ringing in. I really appreciate the post, and I did not take it as being hard on me. I will keep all posted on teh results from the PI which starts at 4PM tomorrow. as for my attorney he is not passive. He wanted to immediately go to get a hearing for temporary custody after the DWI, but I was not ready yet. He is very agressive and speaks with me at least 3 times a week to see what else I have.

Okay, so DV is what you want.

I guess I don't understand why you weren't "ready" when he suggested you use the DWI 2 get custody.

And MyRev is right (about the things you do when you're striving 2 save your M versus when you want 2 end it, not the perceived "passive posters" on MB): if you're going for DV, you should have what you need now. Why keep videoing their antics? If you're DV'ing, you want them 2 happily flail away 2gether for the rest of their lives so she doesn't come back whining 2 recover with you, right?

I'm out.

-ol' 2long

Just so you know, btw...I do not think that OM will leave his wife for yours.

He WILL drop her like yesterday's gossip rag once you prove to his BW that he is a cheater, cheater, pumpkin eater.

He as proven that he will because HE wasn't the one to have to smooth things over...your waynerd had to do it.

If that happens, you might get your waynerd back...but it will be holy h-e-double-hockey sticks for A LONG WHILE, if ever, and she will be madder than a wet cat at you for even longer.

Dunno that she's worth that.

I'm with MyRev. Collect the intel so that you can lay nuclear waste to her in court and keep your daus OUT of her sphere of influence as much as possible.

It needs to be made clear to them by YOUR actions that the way your waynerd CHOSE to leave this marriage is the WRONG way to treat ANYONE.

One possible reason is in case of pregnancy.....so that neither you nor OM thinks it's NOT yours. Sorry to be so blunt.

Hogfan -

I second MyRev's post. I lean on the scorched earth exposure and confrontation once you have all your ducks in a row. It seems to work better on either M recovery or BH recovery and position if the M does not make it.


Need to take an "alpha" male attitude when you have what you need. In reality this OM should be afraid of you and not the other way around. Do not wait too long. Get what you need and expose to everyone - go after the OM's reputation with a vengeance. He will drop his side fun toy in a flash and the outcome could be a shocked and confused WW waking up from the fog.

Just want to add that you may not know it but you have been betasized by doing all the housework, etc. Another good book to read is No Mr Nice Guy - google it. Its no secret that women respect men that are strong.

Brilliant.

Slight TJ, but MEDC I LOVE your sig line.

I also love the the bit in the Book about Him knowing you right down to knowing how many hairs on your cabaza.

I never said that I wanted a D from my wife but what other choice do I have at the moment if I get all of the prrof and ww does not want to go nc or work on the marriage. How on earth can you trust someone again after 2 times. I am trying to get the evidence that I need to expose and drop a bomb on both of them.

I take care of the house work because someone has to give the kids what they need.

Update: PI will be watching WW at 4PM today. WW asking a lot of questions about me and the girls being gone Friday night. Last night was more of the same. Cooking, cleaning, and then making sure that I played with the girls and got them to bed. Seem to be the only one that ever gives them any attention. w claimed to have a bad headache. Looked to me more like some type being upset and she sat in the chair all night long. Did notice that my W did not use her phone much it stayed in her purse. Although a text did come in and the youngest daughter got the phone and gave it to my wife before I could get it. Also this morning I noticed that my ww took the phone in the bathroom with her. I guess to catch up on the texts from last night.

Of course you don't WANT to divorce ... that goes without saying, but you are correct in that you REALLY don't have any other VIABLE choice at this point.

... AND FORGET ABOUT EXPOSURE OUTSIDE OF THE COURTROOM.

You have a unrepentent, unremorseful multiple cheater who no longer respects you in the least. There is NOTHING left of your M to R ... it sucks, but get your mind around that fact.

It will help you do what simply "needs to be done" at this point. Gather your intelligence ... retain the attorney in your area with the meanest, nastiest reputation in divorce situtations (HINT: Women attorneys who represent the BH are especially effective and can get away with being much more hard on your WW) and blow up the affairee's world in the very public forum of the courtroom.

Get the rest of this foolishness out of your head and FOCUS on the task at hand.

I have spoken with a female lawyer that has a reputation of being nasty, but she did not impress me as much as the lawyer that I have now. The lawyer that I have now is well known in our area for winning divorce cases. After I collect my evidence and I feel like it will be in the next three days while the PI is watching her, why would I not want to expose this thing everywhere including the courtroom.

Myrev - If there is nothing left to save then why does she keep telling me she loves me, leaving notes, voice mails, gettting in the shower, and wanting to have sex. That is what is so confusing at this point. I feel like it is just to keep me on the hook for when this A (if that is really what it is) goes south.

Yep. Cake-eating. Very common. As HNHN says, the WS gets certain ENs met by the spouse and the other ENs met by the AP; thus, they have a 'full, complete, happy' life getting to cake-eat.

Well, that cake may not taste so good after Friday, If the PI gets everything that I need to drop the bomb. If that is what my W is doing "cake-eating" it is pretty selfish and hateful to treat another person that away. I personally could not be able to treat anyone that away. Why do waywards do this? Has anyone ever figured that out. My guess would be that it is because they are living in a fantasy land and in a fog. what also puzzles me is the fact that my ww still even with om in tthe picture when it comes to making a decision asks me what to do. Some days I want so bad to tell her to ask om. If we do end up divorced I am certain that she will still ask me what to do when it comes to making any decisions.

you mentioned that your lawyer wanted to take action already....if you trust the attorney...follow his advice.

your wife should be a spot in the rear view mirror...becoming ever smaller each day.

Hogfan, ever thought of getting a cell-phone jammer? You could hide it away somewhere you can conveniently reach in the house and flip it on when she starts that secretive behaviour with her cell-phone.