Cr@p. I feel terrible because speaking to his brother is definately not going dark.

I didn't speak to him but I might've well have.

This sucks.

I feel like I have failed already.

He doesn't have grounds for an intervention order but you do. Seek one out first thing against him and his brother.

I guess you have your answer on whether your brother in law would have been a good intermediary.

You are SO right and I am SO glad that I jump on here to ask stupid questions! It would have been a disaster!

Do you think it will calm down or escalate from here?

I kind of thought he would try the I love you approach but I missed the mark on that one so far.

He hasn't got word of OW's 2nd round of exposure yet either.

You may need to stop answering your phone. Call the police and let them know you have separated from your husband because of abuse, and there have been many threatening calls from him and his brother. What would they suggest you should do?

Because if he doesn't get a rise out of you the way he's been going, there will be a banging on your door. He will refuse to be ignored. He is an abuser and you are changing the rules of access and he doesn't like it. Boo Hoo!

Take precautions. Call in and ask the police what you should do to keep him away from you.

2much,

So glad you are in plan B. You are getting great advice from ML and KaylaAndy, Myopia and WOF.

Just to clarify, I never meant for you to continue being a doormat. Or walk on eggshells. Stepping back and not reacting is setting boundaries, in my eyes.

I just wanted you to step back and change the dynamics of being sucked in to reacting to WS abuse. Because your REACTIONS were causing you to feel terrible about yourself, and you are NOT a bad person.

Just wanted you to do what was healthy to limit the abuse your WS was dishing out until you got into a solid plan B.

I was never blaming you 2much, for what was happening. I just wanted to see you get control of yourself, because reacting to your WS crap was giving him ammunition for more abuse.

Please be strong, and listen to all the wonderful people that are helping you. I am glad you are not 'dancing the dance' anymore. Stay away from the abuse.

You are doing great, and getting the help you need from some very awesome people.

Bye!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

wow, sounds like entitlement runs in the family, huh? Now you know not to take your BIL's phone calls. He is going crazy on behalf of your WS who can't get through. The typical threats, blah, blah, blah, blah.... If a family member calls carrying water, ask them to NOT pass on any messages from your WS.

Explain to them that contact with your WS has become so painful becasue of his affair with OW that you must protect yourself from him. Ask them to respect your wishes.

I have emailed your IM to offer my help. You can't let this distract you, 2much, just keep to your plan and don't let the lunatics run the asylum!

This is pretty much the norm!

sounds like you are doing well so far.

One thought - make sure that you do not bring up the subject of WH or your M with any of your family members, or his. Talk about Christmas, tell them how cute the kids are, talk about work, but don't bring up your M, or your WH. I am sure that they will bring it up on occasion, and it is ok to respond with simple phrases like "I am still hopeful that he will return to our M" but don't get into conversations with your family members by saying things like "I miss my WH" or "I wonder what WH is doing for Christmas".

A thought occured to me, when I read through your latest posts. If you continue to step back, and let your family members take his calls, eventually they will see how sick he truly is. He may be Mr Nice Guy right now, but it wont last, as you know. Step back, keep yourself busy, and let them see his moodiness first hand. You have kept a lot of secrets from your family, for a long time, about his abusive behavior. I think it will be shocking for them, to see it first hand. But they need to see it. His actions will speak louder than words to them.

Get yourself busy. church functions, dinner with friends, activites that get you out of the house. that way you wont be there when he suddenly shows up banging on the door. When you go out with friends, it would be good to have them stop by the house with you to make sure he is not waiting there for you.(I still worry that he will become violent)

You really need to be strong now. I know you can do it.

I'll jump on after my meeting this morning.

You have all lifted my spirits, thank you.

I woke up thinking H was next to me in bed and I rolled over and started to talk to him, somehow the last 5 months were erased overnight and I am exhausted today.

I feel strong, just tired.

I agree with K.A about the police.

It is probably going to happen sooner or later-- might as well be sooner.

He is winding himself up. You have an apprehension of violence. That is enough reason to call police and find out how you can make use of their systems. You will find them to be very helpful.

Even if you don't have to use them it is extra support and if he continues the way he is going you are going to need all the help you can get.

Hang in harder. Its going to get worse before it gets better

I doubt he has any grounds for an AVO - he's just shooting his mouth off. I bet he will find this out as soon as he tries to take any action.

I predict a change in his attitude when that happens.

Thanks Myopia, Pepperband & KA. I will not take calls from WH's brother now either.

Actually, I am in a great position. I did call the police about 2 months ago when he pushed me etc and they said that if WH damages any property or is violent again, THEY will put on the intervention order. It will be out of my hands. WH knows this and will not put himself in that position, I think.

His brother, well, a lot of hot air I think. If he calls me again, I'll do it. I don't really want to put these walls up, just in case. He has been abusive and I told him my boundaries and requested that he not contact me, my family or my IM again.

It is all really quiet today.

I just purchased SAA

I completely agree BK. He is just being a bully.

We have the letter to WH which said that anything is possible and we have the email from WH which says OK. It would be very hard to disprove any of it.

Thank you for the Koorong reference. I have ordered this morning

No worries.

It was such a relief to me finding marriage builders and reading the FAQ's and SAA - suddenly it all made sense.

as much as this maddness can EVER make any sense. LOL.

Miss M you have been awesome and a truly great help. The conflict was reduced with your assistance and I know that you don't want me to be a doormat. I was always a doormat, but my reactions had changed and I had started to become abusive due to the affair situations.

Good luck with your study. I love having your input.

Never a truer statement! WH's mum is going to call me soon. WH and both brothers called her last night. I will keep with your statement above and my PBL guidelines.

Agree

Thank you!

Yikes. I hope it all settles down and gets better soon!

I'm tired but peaceful. I hope you are feeling better today!

Great advice, thanks WOF

That is true. He is being an angel to them at the moment, but...

I have arranged for my birthday dinner next week to be at a restaurant to keep out of the way too. I don't think he'll become violent because of the police/intervention threat after last time.

I can!

Hey there yes my H was very defiant and I am sure he still is. My 1st IM's quit. They were friends. i chose them so it wouldn't be so hard on H but it backfired. Now I have the fabulous trio of Neak, Pepperband, and Delean! Whoot Whoot!


Because they are completely independent, they can handle the business really well. I think now having done it both ways using a completely independent is the only way to go.

My H can't use family against me, unless he vents to DD17. His 2 brothers here are in full support of me. I cut off his mom and 1 other brother as they are in support of H. Sent them both emails of basically a Plan B letter LOL. told them since they cannot support me, this doesn't support my marriage or protect my children so i choose not to communicate with you on any level. Unless of course you want to appoligize and even then trust would have to be estabished.
its great! I don't hear from them either.

Stay strong in your Plan B. It sucks yes, but it's gives us the right to hold our heads high knowing we did the most we could to give reconcilliation a chance. If not we have jewels we can share with someone someday.

Stay dark. I fight to stay dark. I will not see this man until he meets conditions or we have to go to court. I won't even let him hear my voice when he talks to the kids. They only thing I have to say if he's pissed i hear its good. Stay dark as dark as you can.

But I totally know how your feeling.

I tell ya, I never had any idea how HARD it is to be an IM until I actually did it! And NEAK and her first BS [BS guided by Steve Harley] taught me how to do it. I emailed NEAK a few times and she helped me stay focused. But it was hard at first.

I have come to believe that it is very important to have a STRONG, EDUCATED IM who can withstand the bullcrap, because it does get very bad at times!