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Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3
S
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S
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 3
Hello,

I know what you mean , although I never even had a honeymoon phase. Here is what my idea is of what may be happening.

When you both got married he all the sudden (as silly as it may seem) felt like "Oh crap now we are married and I have to get myself together" and started to feel really bad he doesn't have a job and that it will probably look bad when you introduce him to new people as your husband. Maybe that is just an example of a scenario of fear such as

"Hi , yes and this is my husband, Oh nice to meet you what do you do?" "Well I haven't worked in 3 years, um.."

Before you were married maybe he felt some sense like he didn't have to answer to anyone for not trying to look for a job. He obviously feels bad about it but not bad enough to change. He's probably very scared and doesn't want to admit it. If his self esteem is already starting to suffer then the longer he's "out of the game" the worse he's probably making it, and of course it is all in his head.

Him saying a job or another isn't enough money is an excuse, he's scared. Job hunting is scary, I hate job hunting and putting myself out there. I hate to brag. The fact that you 'can' support him is unfortunately in a small way enabling this problem he's letting grow bigger.

I'd have a heart to heart with him, I'd ask him to sit down and chat and tell him it's okay to be perfectly honest with you. I'd tell him you are worried what this means for marriage if he is afraid to go for what he wants. What if you two have a big problem down the road and he just ignores it, that scares you. That's what I'd be afraid of at least.

My husband did something similar in a sense and I told him just that, it really worried me he would just try to sweep issues under the rug or not tell me how he feels acting as if his feelings "would pass" instead of talking to me about them.

Hope that helps or at least is something to think about. \:\)

Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 25
M
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M
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 25
Hi! A few things that might help.

The idea that the first few months of marriage are bliss, are not neccessarily true. Not that people don’t have a “honeymoon phase”, but its not a guarantee. I actually think the first couple years are the hardest because you’re trying to adjust to a huge commitment, and it’s tested a lot at first. there are a lot of things to be sorted through.

as far as being together 10 years, living together 2, it is very different than marriage. someone said that “it’s just a piece of paper” which isn’t true. it’s a profound commitment to love unconditionally, and permanently. even if you live together and get to know everything about one another, it doesn’t mean you’re committed with everything you have. marriage tests the limits of your relationship, and it’s scary! i don’t doubt at all that you were committed and loving before, but it really tests your commitment when you’re married. you didn’t have to be acountable to each other before like you do now.

that might sound discourgaing, but it’s just meant to show you that i think a lot of the frustration and uncertainty you’re feeling is normal.

i think you should talk to him about getting a job if it’s bothering you. did you talk openly about these kinds of things before?

Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 4
Q
Junior Member
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Q
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 4
God I feel for you! I am in a similar situation. I have been married just over two months. I married my housemate who I became very fond of and attached to. We met at church, became friendly, became housemates because I bought an enormous house and had to get a few housemates to be able to maintain all of the living expenses. We did not date in any 'normal' sense of the word, there were no romantic times, no kissy kissy, no sweet words etc. We were truly friends. I helped him take care of his children and we were best friends. He asked me to marry him about a year and a half of knowing each other. We were engaged for four days. I was hesitant to marry someone I knew had a shaky work ethic, hellish ex wife issues and liked to make excuses for being an underachiever. ALL OF THE THINGS I AM NOW SEETHING OVER WERE IN FRONT OF MY FACE BEFORE I SAID YES! I suspect you knew what you were getting yourself into but did it anyway.....
I am not saying that to be harsh; most of the time we know what we are looking at and hope that the worst we see will somehow be magically transformed into something else. Even with all of those negative things, I married a faithful man who has great morals overall and is loving. I imagine working to sustain our household is the price I have to pay.

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