You don't have to show him anything. You have to protect your boundaries at all costs, that is what you have to do. And you have to train your IM to do that, tell your family to NOT send on his messages and change the locks in your house.

You are responsible for your boundaries, 2Much. Only you. It is up to you to protect them. If your IM calls with an unacceptable communication, she needs to be told NO, please do not call me with this crap.

If he is really serious about reconcilation ON YOUR TERMS, then she can email me and I can help test his sincerity.

But he is not serious, 2Much. He is only serious about manipulating you and continuing his affair. If you take him back on those grounds then that is what you will have.

There was no reason to contact you about his little meltdown. Your IM sent him a visitation schedule. All she had to do was tell him when his visitation is. End of story. No need for all this drama...

How about a joint counselling session with Dr Harley? If WH is committed then maybe he will listen to a third party and realise this is not my crazy idea, it based on fact. I have never mentioned MB to him and he would be insane if he knew I had put our lives on the internet, but, maybe it could be a condition of mine that he meets.

I don't give a ratsass what he thinks. It is irrelevant. He is a selfish wayward who is intent on destroying your mental health and your marriage.

All that you should care about is protecting yourself from his abuse.

We don't need his committment. We need YOURS. No one cares what his opinion is about your plan B. IT IS IRRELEVANT.

I know that you probably "feel bad" that he would have to quit the band in order to have completely N/C with her, but this is the consequence of his adultery. This is his 3rd A. He has never felt any serious consequence. He will do this again, because it feels good to him. he knows it is wrong, he has admitted that to you.
He openly admits that this is a problem that he has. Just like any addict would admit that they have a problem. The thing is - what are they going to do about it?

I know you feel bad enforcing the N/C boundary.
But this is NOT YOUR FAULT. It is his. If that band had meant anything to him, he would have stayed out of a relationship with a 19 year old girl.(By the way - we have never even discussed how gross it is that your 40 year old H is carrying on with a 19 year old girl. I am 44 and my sons are 18 and 21 and the thought of some 40 year old trying to have a R with either of them grosses me out. this little girl was only 16 just 3 short years ago)

I enjoy my job. I like the people. And I like the work. BUT if I screw up, I will accept that I will not be able to wrok here any longer. That is just the way it is.This place is my job - not my life. My H, and my boys are my life. This job will go away someday. I hope my H and children will never go away.

And money should not be a motivator. His line about "this band could make a lot of money". Oh well. You should not have screwed it all up.
It coulda, shoulda, woulda, made a lot of money. It could also crash and burn.

He had a choice to make the first time he saw this young girl - he could carry on a secret relationship with her that would make him feel warm and fuzzy and horny. Or he could make sure he was never in a room alone with her - and never exchanged personal mobile numbers with her. If he had kept that R on a strictly professional level, he could stay W/ the band. But he didnt do that. And again, he KNOWS that he has this problem. He has had 2 other A's before. So he knew the the first time he felt an attraction to her that he was headed in the wrong direction. How will he ever learn to control himself, if he doesn't start now by taking extraordinary precautions.

And agiain, this is his third strike. Having N/C with her for life is just the first hoop he has to go through, in order to protect his W from future harm. the two of you will need to put a plan together that will keep him away from temptation for life. If he can not agree to N/C for life, then he is not ready to do any of the other stuff.

Be honest with yourself. Are you really happy to be in this postion? are you thinking that it is nice to think of having him around this weekend? Or, are you thinking "Oh crap. I was looking forward to a peaceful weekend, and now the jerk is back...."

You don't want the jerk. You want a real man. A real man would protect his W from harm. Can he step up, and become a real man? Or will he continue to lie and manipulate in order to continue doing whatever in the he11 he wants?

I think I meant maybe the Harley's would tell him he needs no contact. At the moment it's just coming from his doormat wife who's going mad, according to him.

You're completely right. I was actually looking forward to a peaceful weekend without his abuse.

I agree with you 100%. I am so glad I have a place to post and get your opinions. It would be so easy to fold and slip back into the familiar old shoes, no matter how uncomfortable they are.

I'll just take my time and tell him it will not work. I will go back to plan B until he is willing to commit to NC for life.

Thank you ML and WOF!

He also told me this would never happen again if I started to meet his needs and then he wouldn't go elsewhere for attention.

My reply was along the lines of him voicing when needs were unmet with me, not going elsewhere. Blah blah.

Sigh

So here he goes again, right back into his same old pattern.
You are losing it, he didn't know you could be so cruel, and next he will say this is all yoru fault, and he will call you names, and use the F word......

now that he has gotten back into communicating with you, he is getting right back into his abusive, contolling, big bully act.


My suggestion:

"Wh, I have given this some thought. I must stand by my original boundary. In order to protect my heart, our M, and our family, I need you to agree to N/C for life. I do not want to bring up the past, but it is necessary at this point to remind you that I have endured your two other A's. There has been a pattern of cheating that must stop. I am trying to comepltey stop that pattern right now, by establishing strong boundaries in our M."

Frankly, I don't even believe that his little hissy fit was becuase "He is a Dad who misses his kids" thats a load of crap. He has gone for weeks before without seeing them. What he misses is the stability of a family. Knowing that his W and kids are always there for him. W is cleaning the house, paying the bills, taking care of the kids.


I simply must add that I do not believe that there has not been no sex at all. In the beginning, when you first started posting, i thought it was possible. But not any longer. The messages that theose two have sent back and forth, the length of their relationship, and the constant messageing all day and night - that is proof of a far deeper connection.Grown men do not continue to carry on W/ a woman for this long with just "talking". your H likes to have sex. he would not do without for this long. Sorry. Not beleiving it.

Ok, on more thing, SLOW DOWN. Just because he is throwing a hissy fit, does not mean that you need to cave in right now. Stop. Breathe. Ignore him. Take the kids to your parents house and tell him to pick them up there. Let him wonder what you are thinking. Do not respond to his crappy plan. Let him wonder for 24 hours, and perhaps he will come up with a better plan.....

But you have told him this in your Plan B. You don't need Dr Harley to tell him. Are you counting on someone else to uphold your boundaries?

If you will not respect your boundaries how do you expect him to respect them?

same old crap, different day. This is your absolute proof that he is not ready to be a faithful H. This will never happen again as long as you bow and scrape to his ever need, all the time.
"Get me a beer, make me a sandwhich, and bend over and take it like a real woman"

Certainly you are interested in meeting his needs to the best of your ability. But you will never be able to do it 100% of the time. what if you get sick for a week? Will it be perfectly ok for him to "go elsewhere for attention?" What if one of the kids gets sick and has to spend a month in the hospital? And you are spending all of your time at work, or at the hospital, will it be ok for him to get his noodle wet with some bar fly??? After all, he needs to go elsewhere for attention.

I have to stop now. I am getting really pissed off.

My new H and I have an EXTRAORDINARY sex life. you know why? Because he treats me with respect. He does not call me names, he does not look at porn, he is home at night like he should be, he is kind to the kids. Because he is a good, honorable man, he is so dang sexy, I can't keep my hands off of him. he does not have to demand attention. He just treats me nice, and I do the same for him.

Your WH needs to say to you "I appreciate you staying with me through all that I have put you through. I am going to work very hard to insure that I am never, ever in a postion to hurt you again. if that means N/C for life, so be it."

You're awesome ML - I love how you get right to the point

He called me and will see the kids tonight. I said that's ok, but I am not shifting on my PBL conditions. He is confused and I said that I will explain it to him, but he wants me to read his letter. I'm acting slow and controlled.

Breathe. Taking kids to swimming. He will not be there - feeling sick, probably caught it from the kids

Yes you are shifting your PBL boundaries. You are seeing him tonight and have agreed to read his "letter." That is not "controlled," that is SURRENDER... Surrender to a WAYWARD SPOUSE.

SURRENDER



MY GOD. I am SPEECHLESS.

HE IS BLAMING YOU FOR MAKING HIM SCR&W THREE OTHER WOMEN?!

I can't believe you can even repeat his dreck. Do you realize how selfish, self-centered, manipulative, and sure of himself he sounds? All it takes is to get to see you face to face, to GET WHAT HE WANTS!

You are stronger than that. This man lied to you, snuck around on you knowing completely what he was doing, stuck his noodle in THREE other women while married to you, and convinced you it is ALL YOUR FAULT!

Do you see how manipulative and controlling and narcissistic he is? Why would you want your children to grow up in the same house as him? Do you want them to grow up just like him - thinking it's ok to destroy other peoples' lives as long as YOU get what you want? Protect your kids from his BS! If not for yourself, do it for them!

And do me a favor, and CUSS YOUR IM OUT for putting you through this! She should know better!

And I sure hope you are getting the locksmith back out tomorrow morning for new keys - AND a new security system! He has no right in that house after all he's done to you.

You must listen to Mel.

Next time he BREAKS INTO YOUR HOUSE call the police!!!!!!

GOOD GRIEF.

Get back to a dark plan B.

YOU CAN NOT HOPE TO RECOVER while he has ANY contact with OW - that is IMPOSSIBLE.

2M2L

I go away for a few days and look what happens??? sigh! girlfriend, take out the restraining order now. He broke into your house and terrorized you all week.

No more meetings. He's a bully and he knows how far he has to go.

Next time you'll have to endure worse! So go to the police and get some kind of protection NOW.

Otherwise, you know what they say about no such thing as victims in Landmark? Well guess what you are choosing?

You're a woman of strength! Stand UP for yourself. Say NO MORE BULLIES. And MEAN IT THIS TIME!

I totally agree with Kayla - GET THE AVO NOW!!!!!!

The AVO is a good idea to keep him away from you and the house. He thinks your good nature will not allow you to take this step.You are going to have to be very tough. Fair play is not a concept that he understands

He is a hard nut to crack. He is a huge baby and your IM has given way to his tantrums He certainly knows how to get what he wants with women-- emotional manipulation also worked with her I think he needs a male to be the intermediary. Can you find a male to take over?

I understand that it takes 6 weeks to break a horse and he is bucking and kicking and running away all over the place. I am thinking it could easily take 6 months to get the message across.

I am not at all surprised that he broke into the house.After all he is virtually homeless.Having a comfortable home is crucial to his other operations The option to crash into the home needs to be removed.

It might be a good idea to start to make enquiries of agents to lease the house for 6 mos and leave him to sort out his life before making a decision to go back to the house at a later date.

Sorry you are having all this drama. Do not get sucked in Rocky

PS

It is not for IM to decide what is or is not a good idea she is supposed to pass on the message for you to make that decision She is meant to be totally impartial. He has succeeded in getting her onside.

PPS

Getting every thing in writing from him is absolutely essential ---------excellent thinking

He's LYING about not having sex. That is a bare-faced LIE.

How did he get your new house key?