Email from OW to me:-

Dear BS,

On Friday, I recieved an email from WH saying that we could no longer continue our friendship and that we needed to go our seperate ways. I feel really upset that it has come to this, and that I have lost a really good friend,as sad as I am, I have to respect his wishes. I am now in the process of getting myself my own domain name as well as swapping over email accounts as he has asked.

I understand that the friendship we had was way too close for you. I've thought a lot about things and put myself in your position, and I realise the way it must have made you feel. I want you to know that I'm truely sorry BS for the upset you have felt.

I want you to know and feel safe that, in no way, or in any capacity, did Jason and I EVER have a sexual relationship. Nothing in that way has ever gone on between us.

We had a friendship and I always tried to be there for him when he needed but that's as far as it goes. We had a lot of mutual respect for each other, joked around heaps and could talk for ages and ages because we got on so well. I have a lot of loyalty to him as a friend, but at the end of the day BS, regardless of what you think, it was me who was always telling him that he needed to go home to his kids and family. I didn't expect to lose a friend in the process.

I would really like for us to have a professional working relationship, as I know both of us have put alot of work into this project, especially WH. I undersand that apart from having a working relationship that would be it. I would really love it if you came and watched some of our shows or even if you wanted to come to rehearsals and have a coffee. We have a rehearsal at xxx house this Thurday at 7.30.

Regardless now of if I ever see you again, I want you to know that I really wish the best for both of you and I'm sorry that our friendship has upset you. I realise that you must have felt upset by it.Your children are absolutley beautiful and I know that Indiana will grow up to be just as stunning as her mother. I hope that you can be happy.

Have a beautiful christmas

I will be thinking of you all.

Regards
OW

All lies!

I think you should add a polygraph to your list of requirements.

This letter is damage control and an attempt to drive the affair further underground. I sure hope you are listening!!

I will update you all when the kids are in bed.

Not in recovery, not in anything but despair, deceipt, hurt, anger and sadness. He's back in form!

What a very sad weekend. It was meant to be a peaceful plan B but I will not get it.

You can get it from this point forward.

Make a point between you and everyone that there will be no mention, no anything, of H or OW in your thoughts or actions for the rest of the weekend. Pretend he's gone for good, just for this one day. Worry about it all tomorrow. For today, rest and repair.

Ok, time for an update.

I dropped the kids at daycare and came back home to sleep and did until 11:40am. I was so tired!

Saturday afternoon WH comes round to hang out with the kids. We had discussed it and it was going to give us a chance to chat about things. He arrives at 4pm and takes them to the video store. I freaked out and wondered if they would come home. You’re mind plays terrible tricks on you.

I kept cleaning and put tea on. They all came back after 30 minutes with icecreams and videos. We watch the new movie and play with the kids and put them to bed.

WH and I were already arguing. He doesn’t want to meet my conditions and thinks I am unreasonable and a bad listener etc. He still wants to go through court re kids so I can’t take them away, even though we are discussing R.

Decide that this will not work etc, then it will, then it wont. SF and fall asleep. Wake up Sunday morning and had an awesome morning with the kids and breakfast all together and it was so nice.

Kids go to sleep, WH start to talk. No resolve about anything. Not willing to give up anything for our M. Kids are more important to him than me and he will not give up work after he’s worked so hard for it. He maintains he can do this and make it work with me.

I take kids to birthday party. He’s gone when we get home. He found my blue book which listed all the dates and times he was missing from the house since June this year. It was my affair register and child custody book rolled into one. Boy was he mad. He said he found my arsenal of evidence against him.

Anyway, we chatted a few times on the phone last night. We are both very sad.

I want NC again. My neighbour across the road came and introduced herself and said she’ll call me if he’s at the house again and her husband can change the locks for me again.

I’m tired, confused and angry. I only got 2 ½ days of plan B, and he tried to contact me each day. I did get all my passwords for facebook etc and changed them to my new email account. He is also blocked.

This morning he had sent me a friends request, which I ignored. He has also sent one to her!@!!!!!

I asked him about this today and he said it is professional because he recorded he cd and works with her and he can't understand why it hurts me. My problem, not his. He is also registering her new website domain and transferring all her files. Sheesh.

I’m exhausted and the only thing I know is he is no where near ready to R.

OW sent me a copy of the email my WH sent her on Friday.

Here it is (I say as I duck for cover from you all...)

Hey OW,

I've been sitting here trying to find a way to put an end to all of this garbage that's going on. I know I don't have to spell it out for you, the obvious trouble that's surrounding us at the moment is evidence enough that this friendship of ours is causing a lot of drama. It's got to the point where I just feel like a rag doll being tossed about and you probably do as well.

I want you to know that this email is not about tossing a good friend aside. You are a good friend to me OW and that's not what's going on. I just think that we have to go in our own directions for a while and let this war finish because I fear that if we don't, not only will you and your family be hurt more and more but my marriage to OW will suffer at the highest level and I don't want that.

You and I quite simply have to go back to a completely working only relationship. No catch ups, no hanging out, no phone calls, no messaging, just 2 people working in the same band just as I would with xx or any of the other girls. It doesn't mean that I'm not your friend and it deffinately doesn't mean that I'm just discarding you. It's simply because you and I have become too close for the comfort of my wife and to be honest, I know very well that I've overstepped the boundaries. If it were me on the receiving end, I'd be livid.

Anyway, I hope that I've not upset you in any way and that you understand where all this is coming from. I'm looking forward to working with you in the band and enjoying what we've all worked hard toward.

Regards,
Me. (WH)

Love it WH..."for a while" and "let this war finish"


So, he'd be livid if I did it to him. I get that he sees it's upset me, but such a small sentence for such great hurt to me.

He said the other night that if I had an affair he would start to chase me, it's just the way he is. But he recognises that he needs to become someone new and not be the man he is.

What's my take on this...words, all words. I need actions and the promise that he would do anything to have me back in his life. Move country, quit bands for life, I want the promise that he'd give it all up for me. THEN we can talk about what's appropriate, not on his terms.

I just want to get into a very dark plan B. It didn't work for me the first time and I fear that all is now lost. Can I go dark again and will it work?

I just want space and I want a better marriage than ever before. We are just so far from that at the moment.

Are you prepared to call the police if he breaks into your house?

Are you prepared to apply for an AVO?

Hi BK - thank you for checking in on me. I'm starting to think I do not have a choice. My WH is extremely controlling and I watched him change all the locks back on Saturday and felt powerless to stop him. He said it's his house and I am not to ruin it. I didn't go for expensive perfect locks, they were fast etc but it didn't matter.

Now he's taken the new locks and the keys. I am going to have to start from scratch again. I feel very happy that I have neighbours watching out for me. Recently a lot have moved and I didn't really know anyone here to help. Family is just around the corner, but are not home during the day and cannot see the house either.

AVO - well, he tells me he is putting one on me on Wed morning so that I cannot call his friends anymore. He is still really angry about the exposure and me ruining his professional life.

He also said he's taking me to court for custodial arrangements. I don't think there is anything to lose by taking out an intervention order if he breaks in again. He's making this so much harder than it needs to be.

Yes, it will work if you go dark again. It doesn't matter if you have to do it more than once. Each time, you learn. First thing I would do is find a male IM. There has GOT to be somebody male who will help you. If you don't know anyone, how about someone at church? Or someone at United Way. I think you really really need a male IM.

You're right that he is all words. He is telling OW just hold on til this blows over, til stupid wife gets over this...phase of hers.

DO NOT go back to him! If you do, he will know that he can forever more do anything he wants, because you're too weak to protect yourself.

And PLEASE stop reading anything that has anything to do with him! Plan B is for YOU! It is to protect you and keep you from having a nervous breakdown by dealing with his fog-filled BS.

Very helpful advice Cat.

Do I write another plan B letter? What should I say differently this time so that he hopefully respects it?

I haven't got any male IM's in mind. What about my Brother-in-law? I think there is enough respect there, but I'm not sure of much anymore.

He broke into your house. HE doesn't live there anymore. You SHOULD have called the police when he broke in the other night. Instead you caved.

And you will continue caving if you don't take decisive action.

If you continue to do this, I won't be able to help you and you will settle into a steady diet of "more of the same"

Get an AVO. Then you might have a chance.

He is TOTALLY in control right now.

The police did come but WH had gone. I did not make a formal complaint. I was still dizzy with the anticipation that he might come back to R and would try to meet my demands.

How frustratingly typical!

I am considering an email IM system where he thinks he is emailing me directly? Perhaps one of you could screen everything for me? Maybe it would be less easy for WH to manipulate a friend of mine and then a team of you could monitor his messages, much like Trying2Live.

It might also be something he would agree to. I know you all say that he doesn't need to agree, but, it's clear WH is not typical and I do worry about his reactions.

Good Grief!!!!!!!!

He is COMPLETELY TYPICAL!!

It's NOT TOO LATE to file a complaint now.

It does not make recovery impossible. It does not have to be forever.

You are being manipulated and falling for it.

It IS important your WH KNOWS you are not seeing or responding to his coersion. That is VERY important in Plan B.

I really can't see how putting an AVO on WH is a step towards reconciliation. I think that he along with his family would think that was the end and WH would go into overdrive to make my life h3ll.

His brother has already agreed to put up whatever money is required to get custody of the children. His brother is the worst narccist with over $500,000 in spare change, before his assets.

Look - it's your choice. You are going to let him eat cake? FINE!

I'm not going to watch.

Don't go!

I need a 2x4, not abandonment

I'm just in doormat mode after the weekend and feeling glum and powerless. I did buy some things for the windows and doors so I could cover it all up in here and will ring the locksmith tomorrow. I should have done it already but I am making excuses.

Sigh.

and file a complaint!

I mean it.

An AVO will physically remove his presence from your life until you can sort out the problem of his relationship with OW and in the process teach him the basics of good manners .Does he behave abusively toward members of his own family, to his work colleagues or members of the general public? I doubt that he does. So why should he feel free to abuse you. By doing it to you he is doing it to his children it does a lot more damage to them than you think.

He is aware that the police may charge him if he presents with further violent or threatening acts and has made some attempt to worm his way out of trouble by writing the e -mail but as he has demonstrated before he will make promises and then renig when it suits him and if there are no consequences he will continue to rely on these untenable techniques to avoid trouble.The AVO next time is brought by the police and is in their hands and out of yours. At this stage there may be unforseen consequences which do not work well for you. Knowledge is power and I think you need to talk to a solicitor to try and get the full picture before taking this step.

You will be, through the IM ,filtering out threats and emotional abuse which are integral to his communications.A solicitor is trained to deal with cases like yours. They are often spoilt bully boys themselves and can be very determined to get their own way and they are paid to act on your behalf .If you cant afford to pay just one consultation with a male solicitor may point you in the right direction to find a completely uninvolved male third party.

He has made ,what appears to him to be, a reasonable offer regarding his relationship with OW. The ball is now in your court to say whether that is acceptable to you or not Most other posters are of the opinion that he is not telling the truth,is still in an a and will continue the same under cover given the chance That is as may be.I think you will have to spell out the conditions which are NC as far as the working r is concerned. This is where it becomes REALLY HARD for him to choose between his family and his career not forgetting her career as well lots of damage to all concerned.He is in the position of betraying her and all the other band members.

Once again that will all be your fault in his mind

What exactly is his commitment to work with her and the others?

Could it be given a time frame to be wound up to be fair to the non involved parties?

Only abuses me and now after Friday night, yelled obscenities at my family too.

I do worry about the other consequences so I will try and find a solicitor tomorrow. Some of them give one free consultation so hopefully that will cover some advice too.

His email clearly had enough room in it so that he could become "friends" with her in the future. He denies it, but it's obvious that's why he didn't want to rock the boat too much.

Definately. Although I don't think he'll use an IM. He's made it clear he's taking it into his own hands and going to the family court from here.

He does think it was entirely fair and reasonable. He also suggested I start to manage all of his gigs etc. He is under extreme pressure. He's in an amazing space career wise with great bands and he and the OW are lead singers in the joint band. They are a new band and doing rehearsals now, gigs booked from 24 Jan 09.

He blames me for everything. Up to and including a relapse with OW's dad's cancer, IF it occurs, will be because of me. He also informed me today that I am completely loosing it. He doesn't even think he can love me again. Oh, and his mother will never speak to me again. She hates me and realises I have always lied to her. Apparently his brother thinks the same, but I did speak to him today and he's fine.

New band. Rehearsals once a week now. He wanted me to contact leader of the band and explain everything. Didn't want to do it himself! Anyway, we are not talking now and I don't plan to so I guess this doesn't matter.

He maintains it was never a sexual relationship and he's mortified at the embarassment for himself and OW and all the people I have affected.

This could have all been worked out if I didn't tell everyone the lies...blah blah

Up until this morning he still thought we could work it out...blah blah

Sigh.

I am going back underground. I am hidden away in the lounge with my new Christmas wrapping blinds which the kids love! I need to clean this place up. I started to rearrange the kids craft cupboard which is always a mess and now I wish I hadn't started.

I feel exhausted still. I want space. Maybe tomorrow will be the first day with no contact from WH. My plan B sucks!