Ok, how did porn all of a sudden enter into this conversation?
Have I seen porn before? Yes, but its something I avoid altogether. I know the danger.

The issue is all of the women everywhere.

Bring your wife here to this site.

There will always be temptations for as long as you live. Personal integrity is what makes you a man.

Porn came into the discussion because internet "dating sites" and porn usually go hand in hand. AND because you seem to be bothered by your wife's body, because although you say she is in good shape, you are unfavorably commenting on something that is completely natural,(loose breasts or tummy) except for teenagers or airbrushed porn stars.

Another excellent idea!

Growing up my father was never home. His job required him to travel all over the state so the only time he was home was the weekends. On top of all that he was an alcoholic that got his first DUI when I was in the car at 5 years old. Him and my mom split up because of an affair when I was 10. Even after all the pain he caused me I still missed my Dad when he left. It affected me ever since. Now that I'm 30 years old he is clean and has been trying to reconnect with me and my sisters but its almost too late. Before you put your selfishness before your children think of the destruction that will never be repaired. Growing up without your father is not easy no matter what kind of father he was.

If you are religious it must have OCCURRED to you that Satan is whispering in your ear.

As long as you ALLOW it, the father of lies will allow you to lie to yourself and he will continue to tell you to look at other women. The Bible tells you clearly what to do. RESIST Satan.

You wonder if you married the right woman. The answer is YES, YES, YES. Do you want to know why????? BECAUSE she is the woman you married. You need to really think about that. You did not marry her BECAUSE she is the right woman. She is the right woman BECAUSE you married her. Completely the opposite of what you have been allowing yourself to think for all these years.

Also, you are in trouble now because you have been allowing yourself the luxury of wallowing in self-pity for what seems to be your entire marriage.

How to fix it???? Have you read every article on the MB site about marriage? Start there.

Buy Fall in Love, Stay in Love, Love Busters, and His Needs, Her Needs. Tell your wife that you love her with all your heart and that you are reading these books because YOU want to be the best husband and father you are capable of being. You can not imagine how much more attractive YOU will find HER if you say those words to her.

You are an affair waiting to happen. Of course you know that. That's why you are here. Commendable IF you are willing to do the work to INSURE it never happens.

If you get a divorce or have an affair or both, here is what will happen to you:

FINANCIAL DISASTER(unless you are a millionaire. You didn't say.)
Child support for what, at least SIX of the children. Alimony, amount and duration determined by the state you live in.

LONG-TERM bad relationship with your precious children. Never underestimate how angry your children will be with you for abandoning both them and their mother. NEVER. You are living in the fantasy fog if you think ANY different.

Loss of MANY friendships and relationships with family members. Again, do not underestimate this. People you thought were your friends for life abandon you in a divorce. Many of them just can not stand to be around a divorced person. Also, couple friends often find it imposssible to be friends with both partners and can not choose, so they just abandon the friendship altogether. This is a very common occurrence.

Guilt, guilt and more guilt. Unless you are a sociopath with no conscience, when the fog wears off, you will be consumed with guilt.

Also, consider taking your bride to an MB weekend. I would give my right arm to be able to go that weekend.

The issue is NOT all the women everywhere. It is YOU feeling entitled to more than you have been blessed with.
More than 8 healthy children(a full quiver I might add).
More than a good-looking wife who has managed miraculously to keep herself in shape after 8 kids.
More than a long marriage.
More than a faithful wife.
More than a decent job.
More than.....(fill in the blanks).

Start a blessings journal.
Share it with your wife EVERYDAY. SHE WILL LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!

Get on your knees and start praying for the Holy Spirit to fill you with His fruits. He will.

Blessings,

Thank you! That is really motivating advice.

My advice? Do NOT have an affair. You may think from movies and TV shows that it's a fun little dalliance and no one will know. But the little to no consequences you see in the media are crap. Affairs are tragic from every angle.

I am a FWW. I thought my marriage was over. I found someone who I thought was better and I went for it, even though he was married and I knew we'd never be together. I was blinded by my own selfish wants, telling myself my H didn't want me and I deserved what I thought the FOM was giving.

The PA ended the end of May. In June FOM's wife learned of the PA and we went NC. In October, the guilt from my lies and deception had completely taken me over and I had to confess to my H -- so I did. My H and I are now in the limbo land of intense hurt. You have no idea how much pain affairs cause people until you see it on their face every day and know that it was you who caused it. And there is pain for you too.

You may think I could have avoided this by not telling. By the spouse finds out. They always do. Somehow. Someway. My FOM was the most paranoid, extra-careful person. He made one mistake and the whole thing was exposed to its fullest. No one is immune.

Because of my affair, I have lost friends, I have lost all self-respect, my dignity, my honor, my integrity, the trust of everyone around me, possibly my family, and likely my H. Do you think I'd trade in my one morning of thrill to have all of these back? In a heartbeat. If I could take back my brief pleasure in exchange for my H's trust back? Without a second thought.

If you want to lose your family and your wife, do it the right way and divorce her. But think hard about that option too. You talk as if you will be re-married right away and your next relationship will be better if your second wife has the more “manageable” number of only 1 or 2 kids. Do you really think you won't still be responsible for your 8 biological children if you and your current wife are not together?

If you're looking for real advice on avoiding temptation, take the advice and plans offered here -- Basic Concepts, no LBs, find your ENs, etc. and you'll find how good you really do have it.

Affairs do not show you what you might otherwise be missing. Affairs are not reality. They don’t incorporate mortgages, sick children, who’s picking up the milk, who’s cleaning the house, the in-laws, medical bills, the car breaking down… Having an affair is not real life with that person. I can testify to that.

Otherwise I cannot offer advice on how to avoid temptation. I can only offer you advice on what NOT to do. If you are really bored and want to spice things up, talk with your wife and find something together to do -- in bed and out. Or take a college class. Or train for a marathon or take up bowling or sign up for ballroom dancing. DO NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR. It is one of the most selfish, despicable things you could ever do and the thrill of the moment will pale quickly once it's over and the hate and regret for what you've done has settled in.

Oh... And if know you wouldn't regret it? Then leave your wife now and spare her and your children the pain that affairs bring. There is nothing like it. And knowing nothing about your wife nor kids, I do know they do not deserve your betrayal.

Good luck to you, TH. Please pray for guidence.

I really think we should be advising this poster on how to use MB principles to fall back in love with his W rather than attacking him. He has done the right thing in coming here.

Call the Harley's if you can. Read all the information on this site. Start by getting your W to fill in the questioneers with you

ThinkingHard,

A couple thoughts, One is I would like to encourage to keep talking here even though it will get tough, in the long wrong it will be well worth it. And you made the hardest step already, admitting this to yourself and coming here asking for help.

Will you tell us why you married your wife? What qualities about her drew you to her?

What made you decide to have kids? What about the kids causes you to not want to spend time with them? Do you resent them cause your wife connects with them? Do you resent them for taking up your wife's attention from you?


Maybe the fantazing about other women prevents you from being attracted to your wife. She can never measure up to that fantasy no matter how pretty, how in shape, no matter if she was perfect she could not live up to your fantasy in your mind. No one can live up to that and if you have an affair or if you leave her for another you will ulitmately have the same problem only you will have much greater issues to go along with it. Namely how you will see yourself. You will no longer be a man of integrity or honor you will have lost that. And if you value those things then it will eat at you every day for the rest of your life. You may think you won't however I believe you will.

As far as your kids go, it may seem to you like they won't miss you however I can gaurantee you they will miss you. It will change their whole lives and it will change the paths of their lives. If you have daughters they build upon their fathers. So if you want your daughters to marry a man of honesty and integrity then you need to model that to them. And I bet that all your kids are watching you closer than you know. If you are not connecting with your kids I bet they would love to spend time with you. It seems you have decided for them before you ever gave them a chance. They can feel how you feel about them, you don't have to say a word. They want to connect with their dad.


Have you discussed any of this with your wife? I would bet your wife senses something is up with you and can't put her finger on it. Have you told her how unhappy you are?

What steps have you taken to work on this? God never promised an easy life, never promised contentment all the time. Maybe you are feeling this discontement in an effor to wake you up to some things that are missing in your marriage.

Have you ever been tempted in the past to have an affair or to leave or is this something new?

It is not other peoples job to make us happy. That is not what others are put in our lives for. It is your choice to be happy or contented in your circumstances.

What do you think your wife would say if you told her what you have told us?

If you are religous imagine what God can do in your marriage if you allow HIM to.

Funny, I cant remember that well. We became friends, and then it was either go to bed with her or get married. Seemed logical at the time.. We were very young..


We were both from big families.. I guess just doing what we were taught..


Yes, She knows.. Maybe not how serious my thoughts have been about leaving..



Ive tried counseling a couple of years ago, seemed like alot of moeny to get anywhere. Have tried meds, just made me tired and weird..



yes, My whole married life ive had this issue, its just getting worse as I get older and feel as though my life is moving on without me..


She would be sad, but would prob say something like, "Do what yo got to do" , "Its no fun having you here.."


I petition him all the time.. This is one of the more depressing aspects of my disease.. I feel that my life is just a life of doing the right thing, which means being stuck.. I guess Paul did say that our "lives are not our own, we were purchased with a price"

I guess I just feel regret, that I didnt experience more dating etc.. when I was younger.. Now, Im just getting old. Im a text book MLife crisis Id say.

Thank you for your kind comments.. It does make me think..

I quess my rationale right now is this.. If living in the structure of the gospel isnt making me happy, then maybe the world cant be that much worse..

Im told that the pain is much thicker out there.. Ive never really experienced anything of that in my life.. Ive only had sex with one girl, never used drugs, alcohol, etc..

funny that at mid life that partying would be a temptation huh?

Thank you SOO much for sharing your story .. It really helped me to consider some things.. Im sorry for your hurt and hope it all works out for ya..

OMG.

You think it's your right to be happy at your families expense?

How about DYING to yourself?

How about personal integrity.

WOW


Poor baby.


You didn't think sin would be so candy coated?

Seriously, send your wife here. That will definitely fix this "problem"

Where in my posts have i blamed anyone else? I accept all blame here, there NO reason to torch me.

Ok, I guess I'll just jump off a bridge, since im such a piece of %&%*

You haven't been torched by any stretch of the imagination buddy.

Why won't you send your wife here?

Hey ThinkingH,

Your sitch is quite common. Nothing new here.

Dr Harley explains that we are all pre-programmed to be unfaithful. This site is about overcoming our natural sinful desires.

Lets take a look at the aspect of boredom with spouse for example. This needs to be confronted in a comfortable environment.

Other factors do indeed include wandering into dating sites and these will detract joy from your present relationship.

Please read the articles on this site. Just click "Articles". I think that you will find most of what you are looking for in order to boost your marriage.

You may want to consider investing in a marriage builders course or even MB weekend.

As you have already noted, there are a lot of smarting people here that struggle to convey the hurt and devastation in their own lives.

Believe them.

You keep saying you were very young. How young were you and your wife?


Those were the only two choices?



What exactly does she know?


An affair will cost you sooooo much more than you can imagine.


What has stopped you from acting on it in the past?

What exactly do you feel you are missing?

How is your life moving on without you?


What makes you say this?


What disease would this be?


Perhaps by your own choice. We only get stuck if we allow ourselves to get stuck.


What do you think you missed out on by not dating more? More baggage possibly? Try dating your wife, try wooing your wife. Do for your wife what you want to do for someone else and stand by for some pretty good results.


The grass is greener theory. So untrue. Living in the world you are seeking to fulfill that spot that only God can fill. Maybe you need to look at your relationship in that department. what is missing there?


It seems you are looking at all the things you are doing and that should be good enough. If you choose to walk down the path of audultery it will be far worse than anything you can imagine. You will never be able to undo the incredible pain you will cause your family and others. You will forever leave a mark on each one of your kids they will figure later hey if dad did it then I can too.

I would encourage you to sit down with your wife and tell her everything.


No....it's not surprising in this world we live in. We think we are missing something when we see others have had it. We think because they look so happy and it must be good, however we don't get to see the true pain caused by some of those actions. We think that what we don't have isn't good enough, that the other things will make it better. We try to fill that empty spot with all the wrong things and in the end we are left feeling much worse than we ever did.

What are you looking for exactly?

Yes, this is EXACTLY what I have suggested to this poster.

And I would remind him that he has come to a site where MANY of us have been burned by an unfaithful spouse.

You are going to get HARD responses and advice here.

IF you heed it, your marriage will be HAPPY. YOU will feel as fulfilled as it is possible to on this side of the veil and WHEN you stand before God(as you definitely will), he will say "Well done, good and FAITHFUL servant".

Someone asked Mother Theresa once why she put all this effort into people who were going to die anyway. Why didn't she go do something that had a better success rate? Her response has become the guiding principle of my life. She chuckled and said,"My son, God does not call us to be successful. HE CALLS US TO BE FAITHFUL".

How I wish this was the guiding principle of MY H's life. Make it YOUR guiding principle. You seem to forget that THIS life is NOT the one you should be concerned about. You need to worry about your life in ETERNITY.

Have you started that blessings journal yet? Do it today. Do it before you throw your blessings away.

Wishing you TRUE blessings and not the false gold that Satan is tempting you with,

I love this comment. Somehow duty and integrity got swept aside by the adverts that claim "we deserve the best" and "we owe it to ourselves"