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This was on one of the down days we still have about four weeks ago. Weird, the weeks since have been great. What is going on? This is not normal! Help!
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BH,

I do not cook. I do not clean. I do not bring money into this house. I mess up on paperwork/assignments you give to me. I do not have a high sex drive nor do I do not satisfy your sexual appetite. I do not have vast subjects to talk about. I am not an expert of anything. I’m not really sure why I was born, why I still exist.

As you can see, I have a lot of faults, a lot of weaknesses. This leads me to be very insecure. Then to add pain to the wounds that I create. I go and mess up the one thing I had going for me in this marriage. Commitment to you. I have broken my vow to you. You do not trust me, you have said “You fear me” and have even said in the past, “You wish I was dead.” Many days I feel you would be better off if I was. Can you for one second see how I must feel? See how painful this all is to me. The one need my loving, caring, patient husband has I cannot even fulfill. I cannot call myself your wife. I do not know what I am to you. I do not even know who I AM. IT is unfair to you to call me your wife. All I deserve is your children’s mom. That is all I truly am to you.

As I am typing, I am just balling…because the truth hurts. I am writing truth. You deserve so much more. I can NEVER give you what you NEED. I messed that up 3 years ago. Although you have tried, you have not been able to forgive me. It is so painful to talk about the past and be reminded of how bad of a person, let alone wife, I was. I am constantly being reminded, and it’s not just from the words you speak. It’s also from things you don’t say, from things I may read or hear. I will forever be reminded, at least it seems today. It’s almost like living hell here on earth.

There’s no escaping the pain, the hurt. Because I have been convicted so hard, because of the remorse that is in my heart, because of the will I feel deep inside to never hurt you again, it is so easy for me to see that I can be a good wife AND so hard for me to understand why you are still so hard on me, why you don’t see it. You can’t feel what is going on in my heart. Words that I say are never enough it seems. You want and need to feel what I feel and I am frustrated because I cant get you to feel what I feel. I say it but you want more, you need more. I have nothing left. It breaks my heart to let go of a man that I have so much love and respect for. It breaks my heart to see such an attractive, Godly, intelligent man, a great provider, a great father, a great friend get away. I had it all…and was just too dumb, just to blind to see it.

I was always waiting for the ax to fall and look what happened. I attracted that ax personally, the ax’s name was Steve. I allowed that ax to fall and boy it hit hard. That ax destroyed so much. Never saw that ax coming. The devil kept some sort of veil over my eyes (mind). I didn’t even see it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I can’t understand why I didn’t see it. It was so big, so red, so noticeable. What was wrong with me?

I hate myself for being so blind, so wreckless, so out of control. I try to mask this hatred, I try to bury the pain. I deal with it like I have dealt with all my other problems, all my other pain in the past. The way I have been taught. To just burry my head in the sand. I get so angry when you remind me how much I hate myself for all that I have done to you. I am sorry that I have let you down. I am sorry for not being smarter, more reflective. I am sorry for not giving you what you need most.
Sorry that I can no longer call myself your wife. You deserve a true wife that can stay committed and never break that vow. Someone brighter, someone who knows herself, someone mature, someone caring and compassionate, someone honest. Someone you respect because she respects herself. None of the above, I have been to you. I can acknowledge this enough to allow you the freedom to explore and find your true soulmate. I want this for you no matter how much pain it will be in the future for me. I cannot just exist here in this home with no true meaning. I need to mature and learn to be independent. I need to find who I am. I know I can be a terrific wife my regret is that I cannot be your terrific wife. I could have but I blew it. This is my final letter to you, I love you with all my heart. I will be there for you as a friend, no matter what.


Hope_full

Me - BS - 35
Her - FWW - 35
3 children
12 year marriage
Affairs were during 2005
OM#1 Met/Kissed-2/05, EA 2/05-5/05
OM#2 First Night Stand 5/05,Kissing 7/05, EA 05/05-12/05
Emotional DD w both OM's - 7/05
Physical DD - 7/06(Intial) - 5/07 (Details)
NC OM#1 5/2005
NC OM#2 12/2005
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Sounds to me like someone had contact. :crosseyedcrazy:

Or a NEW OM. Either way this letter is foggy.


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Start snooping!


Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
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HF,

Before I saw the replies from other posters, I got the same idea. Sounds like A time again. You MUST learn if this is true. Yes, SNOOP! Email, cell phone records, where she's spending her time, all of it.

If you cannot find anything, I am concerned that your W is seriously depressed. Seriously depressed. As in get her into IC ASAP. The closing words of her letter tell me she is either planning on leaving you, or planning on leaving altogether.

If it's not another A (or a relapse into the old one), she needs serious help.

If it IS an A, you need to get the facts and EXPOSE.
IF you are willing to go through this all over again.

Have you been meeting HER EN's since she ended her A a couple of years ago? Eliminated LB's? If not, regardless of what's going on, you'd better get right on that! (And if you don't know what I'm talking about, read the articles linked to the home page of this site, PRONTO.)

Right Here Waiting


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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And if it is an A see a lawyer and go straight to Plan D.


Plan D June 08
Me FBS 36
W 38
Married 13/1/09
The best is yet to come, with or without your WS
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To All,

She has been accountable to all of her time. I checked cell phones and there was not a thing. She calls and lets me know her every step and the stories do match up.

Yes, we have been spending time together and yes, I have been trying to meet her EN's. She says that these needs have changed but I try to meet the old ones and the new.

I am not sure what is going on. She seems to feed off of me. She gets depressed if I do not seem completely happy. I told her I try my best but some days the reality of what happened is strong and it does affect my mood.

Not sure what to do.

HF


Hope_full

Me - BS - 35
Her - FWW - 35
3 children
12 year marriage
Affairs were during 2005
OM#1 Met/Kissed-2/05, EA 2/05-5/05
OM#2 First Night Stand 5/05,Kissing 7/05, EA 05/05-12/05
Emotional DD w both OM's - 7/05
Physical DD - 7/06(Intial) - 5/07 (Details)
NC OM#1 5/2005
NC OM#2 12/2005
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Originally Posted by Hope_Full
This was on one of the down days we still have about four weeks ago. Weird, the weeks since have been great. What is going on? This is not normal! Help!

The bold part above is what raised my eyebrow.

After the weird, rambling "I, I, me, me" letter that stated she was done with the marriage, things have been great? It was very nearly a "I love you but I'm not in love with you" letter, which is always bad news.

I agree with the others. Start snooping, look for proof, and file for divorce if you find it.

Last edited by Krazy71; 12/11/08 08:54 AM. Reason: too friggin early

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Snoop.

NOW!


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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"I know I can be a terrific wife my regret is that I cannot be your terrific wife."

This statement is a big red flag to me. She knows she can be a terrific wife if she just changes partners.

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I don't see the flags the rest see. I don't think there is a new OM.

She is telling you what she needs from you. Forgiveness.
She needs to be admired, and feels like she will never get that from you. She needs a clean slate. And I think the risk is that if she can't truly feel forgiven, that she will seek a fresh start...(ie, divorce and new life with new partner that doesn't see her as damaged...)

Have you gone to a Marriage Builders weekend?


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Originally Posted by Hope_Full
Yes, we have been spending time together and yes, I have been trying to meet her EN's. She says that these needs have changed but I try to meet the old ones and the new.

I am not sure what is going on. She seems to feed off of me. She gets depressed if I do not seem completely happy. I told her I try my best but some days the reality of what happened is strong and it does affect my mood.


HF


She says those needs have changed. What have they changed TO? You will make yourself crazy trying to meet the old ones and some vague NEW ones you haven't even identified!

Ask her what she needs from you now.

As for her "feeding" off your moods, my FWH and I did that a LOT right after d-day. We were both so full of fear that we could never put things right. If I was down, he triggered. If he was down, I triggered. Fused like Siamese twins. It's OK, when you're not feeling your best, simply to say, "I'm having a hard time right now. It doesn't mean I've changed my mind about wanting to repair us. It's just feelings and I'm doing my best to handle them." Encourage her to do the same.

Openness & Honesty.

Hang in there. It's still really early for you both.

Right Here Waiting


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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Agree with Lexxxxy

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I saw in it exactly what Lexxy saw.
Couldn't have said it better (nor as well, in fact) myself.

It's three years after the A but only a few months since the last D-day, right? That would explain why she needs to be healed now but you're not. Unfortunately her lack of openness and honesty has made healing slower and more painful than it needs to be.

I think right now she needs comfort and hope, and I think a MB weekend is a fantastic idea - maybe as a New Year's gift, signifying fresh starts?

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And just to add....

You are 3 years past D-day. This should not be a frequent topic with you being unhappy with the responses you are receiving. It sounds to me like this has never been properly dealt with.

3 years past D-day, and your wife still has to show remorse? When is enough? She is still trying to JUSTIFY, because it seems like nothing has satisfied you. When do you again become equal in this relationship?

You need to create a NEW marriage. Fresh start, fresh commitment.

Personally, I wouldn't stay in a marriage where I felt like I had to pay penance for the rest of my life....

Your wife is SERIOUSLY depressed.

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Hello,

Thanks for the feedback. We have not gone to MB weekend. We have gone to lots of couseling back in 2005-2006. However, there was not complete openess and honesty so I believe it was just a waste of money.

I have asked her what she needs. Yes, she does say forgiveness. I try but she has made it very difficult with the lies and such from 05-beginning of 08. How do you forgive someone that is not completely open and honest? I know she feels embarassed and guilty and has a tough time talking about it but I felt like that is what I needed. It was not comfortable for her but again I felt like she should have put MY needs before her uncomfortable feelings. That showed me she still has a level of selfishness within her that will probably never go away.

She gets very down if I feel down. She states she can not find a way within her to comfort me when dealing with this issue because she knows she is the CAUSE. She thinks she would be different if the CAUSE was something else besides her A.

I really do not feel like she has a new OM. I am very aware and she is not very good at deception. Also, she has been very open. She is not computer savy so there is not secret electronic communication. Her cell phone is on my plan so I see all calls and texts. I know where she is about 99% of the time AND she is spending the majority of her time with our children or at a children's activity. All of which can be confirmed through outside means. I am not naive so I know anything is possible but even considering the possibility, I don't see it currently. There has not been any change of personality. She never goes out at night. She is always where she says she is during the day(even when I show up unexpectedly).

As far as the letter, it was after a marriage retreat and she was feeling down because she sensed what I was feeling after the retreat. I was just down because all of the effects of adultery were laid out at the retreat and it talked about how selfish and destructive a person has to be to step outside of their marriage. The pastor talked about some of the so-called reasons for A's and we did not have those in our marriage. The affair was really just out of the blue. I was down and again, instead of her showing support or comfort, she seems to slip into a state of depression and despair.

HF



Hope_full

Me - BS - 35
Her - FWW - 35
3 children
12 year marriage
Affairs were during 2005
OM#1 Met/Kissed-2/05, EA 2/05-5/05
OM#2 First Night Stand 5/05,Kissing 7/05, EA 05/05-12/05
Emotional DD w both OM's - 7/05
Physical DD - 7/06(Intial) - 5/07 (Details)
NC OM#1 5/2005
NC OM#2 12/2005
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Originally Posted by Lexxxy
Your wife is SERIOUSLY depressed.

agree with Lexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxy

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Quote
As far as the letter, it was after a marriage retreat and she was feeling down because she sensed what I was feeling after the retreat. I was just down because all of the effects of adultery were laid out at the retreat and it talked about how selfish and destructive a person has to be to step outside of their marriage. The pastor talked about some of the so-called reasons for A's and we did not have those in our marriage. The affair was really just out of the blue. I was down and again, instead of her showing support or comfort, she seems to slip into a state of depression and despair.

Can you accept that she is no longer selfish and destructive?

Have you learned from MB what some of the causes might have been?

Personally I just look at your signature and think I can see some reasons right there. 3 young children, maybe a need to feel admired and attractive as a WOMAN not just a mom?

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t/j for a moment....

Lex, you are on a roll with this one....very good insight....

I agree with Lexxy 1000%.....are there red flags??? YOu bet your bottom there is....red flags that she IS depressed and see's that she needs a change. And your forgiveness. EQUALITY....that is what she is desiring...and if you truly cannot find it in your heart to forgive her and give her peace, the most loving thing you can do is LET HER GO.....

not2fun


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I also see a need for admiration in her letter. She starts off with such a long list of all the things she thinks she is not - not smart, not able to cook, not interesting, not this, not that.

Is Admiration one of her known ENs? If not... I think it should be. She betrays a very low self esteem in this letter. She may have had that before the A, and the guilt from the A may have compounded that, big time.

I agree with Lexxxy, though, that I don't necessarily see an OM in the picture. Just someone feeling very, very low...


Me: 41, INFP
Her: 46, ESFJ
Married 6/95
B-G Twins
4 yrs recovered from serious neglect on my part.
So happy together!
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Originally Posted by Hope_Full
As far as the letter, it was after a marriage retreat and she was feeling down because she sensed what I was feeling after the retreat.

HOW do you know how SHE was feeling this way??? Did you ask her????

not2fun

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