Hehe. Well, I'll tell you that I was getting closer to trying something more "exciting" to end this affair. After I found the OM's address two or three days ago, I started fantasizing what I would do to him at his house....

I imagined ringing the doorbell, and knocking him out right when he answered the door so he couldn't following me to my car which would be parked around a corner... Then calling him and leaving a message saying something like "don't call WW ever again" or something not quite so lame..

Anyway, I can't see any sign today of any contact between WW and OM. I opened my wife's cell phone today when she was in another room and she didn't have OM's face as the background anymore.

She had to go drop some books off at the library and exchange some things at Walmart. I got very suspicious and followed her in my car to make sure she was really going where she said she was going and she did go where she said she was going..

I did see in her planner however that she did have an appointment today at the same government subsidized apartment complex that she lived at when I first met her. So at this point she still seems determined to move out with the kids.

And maybe her and OM have decided to end all contact until she's separated. I just don't know. WW doesn't tell me anything. Should I come out and ask her what's going on or would that just appear insecure? She prob wouldn't tell me anything anyway.

Whatever the case, it seems I have a short window of opportunity to try to "romance" my wife back before she moves out. Yikes.

If she does this, she may very well help your case for custody if you file right away. You need to consult with a lawyer on how to protect your custody rights. Ripping your child out of your home without your consent will not look good for her, especially with you proof of her affair. You need to plan ahead with a bulldog attorney. You need to plan, not react. Find a lawyer now if you don't want to lose your kid.

I got to talk to my wife a little tonight. She was open about the fact that she's been looking for apartments. She doesn't know when a government subsidized apartment will become available but she confirmed that she is planning to move out.

I told her that I still wanted to save the marriage and she said that she thought that I had already filed for divorce!! I told her that I never filed for divorce and that I want our marriage to work out. I don't know how she got the idea that I had already filed for divorce except that when I initially found out about her affair I did go meet with attorneys and even got the paper work ready for a divorce but then decided to give our marriage one more chance.

I decided to give our marriage six months to see if by my meeting her ENs and avoiding LBs I could get to fall in love with me.

She asked me what my plan to save the marriage was and so I told her. I explained that I was trying to avoid LBs and meet her ENs and she said that my actions recently (to destroy her affair) have been major LBs. I told her that I agree but that they were necessary to try to end the A so that our marriage could have a chance.

She said "so you think you can force me to fall in love with you?????" Well, that's actually kind of the idea, but I didn't say that to her. I just said that I felt our marriage could possibly succeed since I now know what I was doing wrong and that I could change to meet her needs.

It kind of sucks to take the role as the person who is willing to change when it is your spouse that should be saying that. But, I do know that I can be a much better husband than I have been in the past..

As far as getting a bull-dog attorney, I'll start looking for one in the meantime just in case. She still knows that I will try for full custody if head down the divorce road and I think that is what is making her hesitate to file.. She doesn't have the money to fight a big divorce case.

Forcing to love is an impossibility. Love is a decision made by a person that only they can make.

You could reasonably ask for respect as husband and father. But don't hold your breath.

How did she like living there last time? How will she like it this time plus a toddler?

19 years ago when I first met my husband. He was chasing me, following me. I was pretty back then and had a lot of boyfriends. I liked the bad boys. My husband was sweet and dorky (where did this guy go i dont know). but anyway I was trying to get rid of him and my mom loved him, I told her to tell him I wasnt home when he called. but she always handed me the phone. For months this went on, I dated him but didnt have the heart to break up w/ him, because he was so good to me. He brought me lunch at my job, he left me sweet notes on my car.

Eventually I fell head over heals in love with him. He won my heart forever. so I dont know if you can force love, but boy it sure felt like thats what happened to me.

I hope this testimony inspires Erichh and also all other dorks out there.
Thanks!

[/quote]

I hope this testimony inspires Erichh and also all other dorks out there.
Thanks! [/quote]

i dont know if it was meant to be funny but........



Sorry, im okay now

Well, I can be sweet and a little dorky too and I have been during plan A but I've had a problem being consistent because when I expose or reinforce boundaries in our home, it comes across as major LBs and pretty much cancels out any sweet things I've done.

For example, I wrote her notes and left them on the table in the mornings and she even put them up on the refrigerator. This is right before I dropped the exposure bomb. Well, she tore the notes down and threw them away. She thinks anything nice that I do for her now is fake...

And she's still having the A, and I'm afraid that if I do another exposure nuke, that it will just do more damage to our possible future relationship.

I know that we can't recover as long as she's having an affair, but what if I just Plan A the heck out of her and avoid any further exposure LBs so that when her A finally ends a natural death, all she'll remember is my dorky sweetness?

It's so confusing. I know about the carrot and the stick but man it's just insanely hard for me mentally to do both. I am all for keeping the boundaries enforced in our home but not sure about further exposure. Her and OM are SOULMATES!! whatever.

I'm just venting. I know I should follow the two-part plan (carrot and stick). I'll keep on trucking..

[quote=Mike_C2
How did she like living there last time? How will she like it this time plus a toddler?
[/quote]

She did NOT like living there and yes it will be worse this time around with a third child. But at least she won't have to live with horrible ME and she can be free to have her wild affair without my interference!

She did NOT like living there and yes it will be worse this time around with a third child. But at least she won't have to live with horrible ME and she can be free to have her wild affair without my interference!

[/quote]

I think you are looking less horrible and the OM is looking less attractive.

She did that for good reason, to punish you for interfering in her affair. But remember that your goal here is to save your marriage, not to avoid your wifes anger at all costs. The more conflict you cause in the affair, the faster it will die.

A WS who is exposed will lash out and PUNISH the BS to SCARE HIM INTO SUBMISSION. She will try and scare you out of interfering with her affair because your interference is very potent.


nonono, there will be no future relationship if you don't kill the affair. Please keep this in mind, Erich. Your marriage can survive her temporary anger, it can't survive an ongoing affair. Exposure is CHEMOTHERAPY to cancer. You can't allow her temporary anger to make you think that exposure was not effective. The madder she is, the harder you hit the target.

And more importantly, a WS who is in RECOVERY will not resent your exposure. She will be remorseful and will apologize.

It would be a HUGE MISTAKE to misjudge the potency of exposure. All those "notes" on the refrigerator won't save your marriage, but EXPOSURE may very well do that.

So, if you have any remaining exposures, you need to do them. Don't allow a WS to scare you out of using your most potent weapon in saving your marriage.

You're confused (and no wonder, living in that crazy "fun house" your WW has created for you!).

Exposure - that's telling everyone close to the marriage that your WW is having an affair. Just because she got angry does NOT mean it's a love buster.

Selfish Demand - you didn't demand that she quit. You just told folks about it.

Disrespectful Judgment - you probably didn't say "My WW is having an A but doggone it I love the lying slut and I know what's best for us..." so probably no LB here.

Angry Outburst - hello, you weren't even talking to WW when you did the exposure so clearly it wasn't an AO.

Annoying Habits - do you have a habit of exposing your WW's affair? I think probably not.

Dishonesty - um, quite the opposite. You shined the light of truth on the A.

Independent Behavior - you could make a weak argument that this is IB but it's not like you're going out to bars or spending money w/o consulting her.

When she gets angry with you or demands this or that, just tell her: I'm willing to do everything in my power to save our marriage. And then let that statement just lie there. She'll try to bait you into an argument, most likely. Don't fall for it. Just stay silent or repeat that you're willing to do whatever it takes to save the marriage.

Telling the truth is NOT a love buster. Too bad she doesn't like the truth... but that's her problem, not yours. You're doing great.

Thanks turtlehead. That's helping me too.

I've exposed to WW's entire family and OM's most respected sister. The only ones I haven't exposed to are OM's parents which I don't have contact info for. Intellius.com has a list of relatives for OM if I just pay the $50 to get it. It may or may not have their phone numbers..

Maybe I've already exposed to the greatest extent that I can. It just bugs me that they seemed to be having some great arguments but then they had a 3.5 hour conversation last night on the phone while my wife was out driving. (I checked her cell phone log last night while she was sleeping) There was also a couple of texts back and forth that something to the effect of "You make me CRAZY!" and "I am yours FOREVER!" Yum.

WW isn't spending weekend with OM. I told her I have to be somewhere Saturday morning at 10AM and she said she'd watch our son for me...

Right now, I feel totally mentally exhausted and sleep deprived. I think I'll try to get some good sleep tonight and try to have a sober mind in the morning.

Thanks for everyone's support. You all are wonderful for being here in this place with us BS's.

Erich, i think you are playing a strong hand. i think their affair is unravelling under the bright daylight. OM is not the shining knight who is going to underwrite a luxurious lifestyle for her.

Let it work. Let her show the witchy side to him as she thrashes around. He's not meeting her needs, is he? Get a job? Go back to the projects? That isn't what WW wants to hear from the romantic OM.

My wife just called the police because I went into her room to ask her very gently to please stop chatting with OM in our house. She said that I was invading her personal space and that there are laws against that. I just quietly sat on her bed as she called the police. When she ended the chat with OM, I left the room. I guess I'll find out shortly if I broke any laws...

The police will be here shortly...

The thing that REALLY made her blood boil is when I said "I will do everything to save our marriage and try to prevent you from talking to OM here in our house. Once you move out, I won't be able to keep the affair out of our children's home at that point unfortunately."

I think she got ticked because she thinks she's this wonderful mom who is only thinking of the kids...

Laws against invading her personal space??

You are her HUSBAND!!

Unless she makes up some big story, they are going to laugh her out of the ballpark.

Charlotte

Ya, RIGHT! :RollieEyes:

Charlotte