I'm listening.

If its Recovery related, it might be helpful to those of us who watch your thread so as to know what to expect.

I really think you need to spill what is going on.

ok.....here goes.....

What to do when WS breaks some boundaries???

What to do when the BS breaks boundaries???

YOu see, I've learned a lot of boundaries, BUT I guess what I have trouble with is ENFORCING them. See, I can tell H that he has broken a boundary, that it hurts me and our recovery, BUT I can not MAKE him not break it....KWIM????

See, I've stated many many many times how bad our M had gotten BEFORE the A started. We are still rectifing issue's pre-A. And sometimes, we disagree with what the others opinion is. And I know this is where negotiations come in to play. Its just a matter of getting it right......ughhhhhh...

And some of these small issue's seem to become bigger than they need to be because I am finding all of this hard just because the memories of last year keep coming into play. Makes me doubt what I did, which is STUPID, I know, but I do believe that all BS have doubts about not going straight to D........

Just a round about circle.....its hard. I also know my whining about it doesn't help.....neither is moping....

I also know that I have officially moved into the depression stage, which is quite NORMAL for all of this, but doesn't make this any easier. This is the phase I've DREADED, because I didn't want to go here. But there is no advoiding it. I am trying to face all of this head on. I am trying to pull up my big girl panties, so to speak...I'm already in the counseling and on the AD's, so there isn't much else to do but address it all, be patient, maybe get a pedicure or two....or maybe I should pull out the big guns and go get me a facial or a massage......

not2fun

What boundaries has he broken?

Not,
I think it's important that you tell the folks here exactly what you mean. No code, no walking around the subject. What exactly happened?

Boundaries are about protecting yourself, not put in place to MAKE SOMEONE COMPLY. Boundaries are rules for how YOU will live YOUR life, not about how other people live theirs, husbands, children and close family included.

I look at them as self imposed rules. If I allow myself to loosen them, or not enforce them, I hurt myself, and then it's my problem to deal with. If I enforce them, I remain safe, to the extent that I have control.

In order to get the help you need from these boards, you gotta lay it out there. OR, talk to your counsellor about these issues, if you feel uncomfortable here.

Who or what are you trying to protect by not being completely open about the sitch in your thread?

Need to let it out......

Slight rant and raving here....(Kayla you may be able to help...or at least understand....)

Ok.....so H and I were talking yesterday about his church. Turns out IF he was to return to the church, he would have to confess about his A, then he would be excommunicated, and start over in the church from scratch in order to return to the church......Now I had him repeat this stuff to me to make sure I understand....BECAUSE going through MY mind is.....

"In order to return to the church you would have to confess, get excommunicated, REPENT, all in order to return. And you and COW discussed religion and God OFTEN (lets not forget how much this annoys me and really ticks me off.....) and he even had his MOM and Dad talk to her about the church, and she was going to CONVERT for him.....and YET did he NOT tell her how the church would excommunicate him and not accept HER....unless of course, the church would only look at them as a divorced persons and think they meet AFTER the divorce, but even still wouldn't the church excommunicate them if they were to find out they had been deceived?? And even if all this didn't happen, would it truly matter since IF they were to stay together or get married, they only way they would truly REPENT would be not to be together???"......

Ok, I know this is all in the past, and since none of this stuff did take place, this was new information for me. Needed to get it out, because I didn't tell him what was going on in my head, because it really had nothing to do with what we were talking about, but those thoughts just ran through my head none-the-less and it just bugs me AND just wanted to get it out.....

affairs and waywards suck......not2fun

Dear Not,

May I send a hug? ((((HUG))))!!!!!

There is a great deal of trusting in God needed to understand how the LDS church works in regard to conversion and excommunication.

For example, in your husband's case, where he is no longer in an active affair, and never was active in the church, excommunication is not a foregone conclusion. However, when I warned what he'd have to face, when he was laying out all these conditions for you back when he was an unrepentant, in-your-face-making-demands-wayward, that was a very real outcome.

As for the OW thinking she'd be able to be baptized so that she could win one more advantage over you... not going to happen.

Couples engaged in adultery are not welcome in the Church. She would have to fake spiritual conversion, which would be confirmed by those teaching her (they'd have to feel that same confirming witness from the Holy Ghost that she was converted and repentant and ready for baptism), and for those authorizing the baptism - there are layers of interviews to make sure that she doesn't get baptized unto her own condemnation. God will not be mocked. Not by her. And no branch president or bishop is going to take that responsibility lightly.

So - she's "doing" a married man and considering converting to the Church? First she'd have to break up with him. She'd have to quit all lifestyle vices, including the health vices of drinking, drugs, smoking and other things. She'd have to live a pure life. And this is impossible for OW to do. It may take months, even years before she could get near a baptismal font...

So please be comforted from this torment. I've said it before. Your husband may have been born into an LDS family or been baptized when he was young, but I doubt he has ever even read the Book of Mormon (because if he had, he'd have been pierced to the core by the writings of Jacob - 3rd part of the book - who rebuked the men for wounding the hearts of their wives and children via infidelity), and I doubt he understands the Church Court system.

Church discipline is a path back into activity. It is a very loving process. There's a book he ought to read if he's considering activity again. "The Worth of Every Soul" by Steven Cramer - he would then better understand what excommunication in the LDS Church is, how it is done, why it is done, and what Steven Cramer when through to come back into fellowship.

For a repentant man, excommunication is not to be feared. It is the beginning of the passage back to being able to feel the love of God again.

I hope this helps.

P.S. - afterthought about the "loving process" of excommunication - to the unrepentant, unremorseful, unwilling to make restitution to the best of his ability, they will not be able to feel the love involved in the process, thus many hateful blogs on the web about the Church - you know your husband wasn't able to feel your love in his most sinful state - therefore, easy to understand why someone would hate the Church if they went through excommunication without the heart to come back.

Thanks K.....

I really just wanted to get that out. I am pretty sure H knew where my mind was traveling with all he was telling me and I didn't want to get into an LB feast with it. It was just mind-boggling to me that he would tell me this information and knowing what I know about the religious discussions they had and how intergrated they "tried" to make it (all the wayward babble about God wanting this and sending them "signs" and such yuckiness was VERY much a part of this affair....something that still leaves a bad taste in my mouth...) I had to work VERY HARD to not be judgemental nor disrespectful of it.....especially since the subject came up because of something else, not the affair. The whole discussion had NOTHING to do with that or HER or him for that matter, but while he was telling me this, my mind just naturally went "there"..... :RollieEyes:

I know that all they talked about was part of the "fantasy"....they would divorce their spouses, they would become one in the church and live life happily ever after....but yet reality was not there...I know this. Like I said, this aspect of the affair is probably the hardest thing for me to digest....(and no, I know better than to try and make sense of it....).

Anyway, I brought it all here rather than allow myself the chance to smack him around with reality, which he already knows....KWIM???

I am not so much tormented, but mostly just disgusted....besides, like I stated earlier, its all really a moot point since things NEVER played out the way they had fantasized......silly little NOT threw a wrench in the whole mess....

gotta go decorate a tree now...

not2fun

Oh Not, I'm relieved. This is just the typical A fantasy. My ex and I were heavily involved in the Christian church for 15 years. We were leaders.

I tossed him out on D-day and he had the nerve to show up at our church with OW.

He really believed that the Lord had brought him his true soulmate, he would divorce me and their affair would be blessed. YIKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's a lot people want to give God the credit for (their own wickedness) but don't want to give Him credit for goodness, like a forgiving wife...

I'm hoping he counts his blessings these days.

I'm going to hear some Christmas music tonight.