Rin

Ok.. a little late to the party I know, but I'm sure you understand with the week I've had.

As I read the exploits of the last couple of days I can totally understand how difficult all of this is for you. ExWW and I went through a lot of the same difficulties with DSD and the school she was enrolled in for K-2nd grade. Everything from new teachers, to teachers who really didn't take the time to understand DSD's ADD and other factors like the emotional issues she suffered her first year there when her biological father stopped contacting her.

It is difficult, yes.. it is stressfull yes, but you've handled far worse than this with class, dignity, and character. Don't look on this as an oppressive situation, but an opportunity for you to show DS how to shine in the face of adversity, how adults are supposed to handle conflict, and that not only will you go to bat for him, but that you will also hold -him- accountable for his actions.

I do agree with LG though that the last thing you want to do is let DS off the hook completely for this. It's easy to blame the disorder, but if DS sees you doing so on a regular basis, it will also become a stumbling block for him as he will try to use it as an excuse and a crutch for the rest of his life, rather than training himself to overcome it.

You've got a long row to hoe with these kinds of issues, and it is hard work, requires a lot of patience and love.. but take it from a guy who took an emotionally distraught girl and taught her homework discipline, and saw as she has taken it upon herself to continue that discipline and is now a straight A-B student.

It can be done!

James! WOW! A-B's...I've been hearing that so much here lately! A child who was doing bad to A/B honor roll!

I certainly laid into OS about the suspension...said that no matter what the reason a suspension was completely unacceptable...this morning him and I sat down and did some short and long terms goals and the rewards for that...

We did not complete ALL of the homework or Work that I rwote down yesterday but alot compared to what he HAS been doing! I rewarded him for that...

I also wrote down for him things he needed to do in the classroom to unsure that this teacher doesn't point him out or look at him...tips on how to make it...

I talked about practice, practice, practice, and reinforced the what he was doing right verses what he was doing wrong...

Okay have to go do some work...

Rin,

Wow! Sounds like a whole lot going on. The guys have an excellent point to be sure you do hold OS accountable for HIS actions. That is extremely important with all kids, but ADHD kids it is even more important. He has to know that his condition is NOT an EXCUSE.

Now, as far as the school and all of that crapola. You need to make this a major project with the first order of business to be for you to become an expert on what your rights and OS's rights are in this sitch, along with the exact legal responsibilities are of the school. There should be nothing you don't know about who is required to do what. Also, start keeping detailed records/files (if you have not already). Keep a notebook. Take it with you to every meeting at the school. Write down everyone you meet with and all the details of the meeting. Make sure they see you do this. That way they know it's 'on the record'. Also note any other types of communication you have about OS, including phone calls, emails, voice mails, and notes that come home from school.

An educated parent is one who will get the best education for their child.

Should you HAVE to do all of this? Heck no! They should be helping you every step of the way with this to ensure OS gets what he needs. Obviously, they aren't going to do that, so it falls to you.

Lucky for OS that he has Rin for a Mom! You can do this. Once you are up to speed and they realize how prepared you are, it WILL get easier!

Hang in there!

Thanks bugs! I'm actually in the progress of gathering all of the information that I ahve here and there and creating a binder! I ahve lots of reading to do!

My coworker sent me a ton of links with parent's rights and responibilites that I ahve to read up on and educated myself with this morning!

I picked up YS at school this afternoon as a reward for doing well and have him here at work with me! We got his hair cut and he's doing his homework right now! While I was at the school I was talking to a friend of mine, who's the Master Teacher there, and she was askign how OS was. So, I processed to explain and she told me that I needed to do what I was planning to do. It was great to have that validation from her. She KNOWS OS, so that felt good!

So I appreciate the tidbits...LOL...I ahve to prepare just like I did for my D...at least I ahve the experience! LOL
AND I KEEP STUFF LIKE THAT!!!! So, I'm a squirrel, gathering and organizing, preparing to create a history. I am also requesting a full copy of his records from school, because I KNOW that I have not saved or have lost important documention to help my case!

I do have the feeling of "how can I do this!" But, I ahve that feeling all the time and have survived, so in fear I walk and I will successed once again!

Any other information from you wonderful ppl IS ALWAYS greatly appreicated!

Hello, WOW, I was reading a thread and had to stop too much of my own experience in that one!

I was like JESUS, I dealt with that, the charm, wanting to believe all of POWS cr@p...the games, the deflection, throwing it right back at me so I wouldn't keep holding him repsonsible for his actions...

The "well, you did this and you ahd no right to do it"...the silent treatment, the sneaking around, the complaining about what I was doing or what I wasn't doing...calling me controlling...when in fact it was him...I had control on the surface but underneath it all, i ahd none...

THe mental exhaustion of accepting responsible for his stuff...wanting to have hope and believe everything that he said was true and accepting it as the truth...

The passive aggressive behavior...the lies of omission...and on and on...

I don't know how many others out there feel the same way I do, but I often wish that I never had to deal with POWS again, that it would be so much easier that way...anytime I'm around him, or talk to him it bothers me deep inside becasue I wonder did I say too much, am I letting him in, am I getting sucked in...

It's really a learning process, becasue he IS usually so pleasant, easy going, CHARMING...that's a great word...it's like when am I going to screw up with him again, becasue I don't realize it until after I've done it...

I don't want to be his buddy or friend...I don't want to be his wife, girlfriend, or even accept tidbits here and there...I want to be in a permanate plan B all the time but I can't...

So, I guess that it's still a learning process and reading that thread reminds me of how sneaky he really is...hence the feelings and thoughts posted above...

I'm extremely careful with him/around him...MOF, when meeting someone new I'm looking for things that I like and don't like, and if I think that this is something that I can't live with, I'm quick to cut them off...end it right then and there...sometimes I wonder if I'm being too critical of the ppl I meet...not giving them the opportunity that they deserve...

I just don't want to go back to the type of R and M that I ahd before, that's extremely scary to me...all the cheating, the lies, it was maddeness...

I have a new life now and I don't want to repeat my past life, so I guess I'm just extremely protective...

Regardless, my question is do I have the strenght to help someone other than myself deal with the same type of person? Could this be healthy for me? To recall without the feelings or is the feelings that I remember...the helplessness a useful thing? Can I turn that into a strenght? It was hoping that things would change but knowing that I was getting nowhere...

I realize just because that WAS MY PaST that it doesn't have to be my future...WOW! I never never want to accept crumbs again...I'm still trying to get rid of the toxic...which almost smoothered me...

I just see myself as being so gullible with POWS and I do fear being gullible with someone else...and with him...I fear it!

That's the negative for me...I know that I ahve told myself hundreds of times that I was so stupid with him...but I need some other way to explain to myself why I stuck it out for so long...all the wishing and hoping...because I'm not OKAY with it...It's not a regret really...it's...God I was so stupid how can I change that in the future? What can I change so that I don't repeat the same mistakes...I can recognize it with POWS but sometimes I slow...or I have took myself over and over again that I'm slow with it...something will happen with him or then I go man, I shouldn't have done that or this...

Can you see what I'm talking about, making sense?

I have been trying to get on MB since Friday nite, the website or something was acting up!

POWS called me Friday nite and informed me that he was laid off, but that doesn't souns right...it really sounds like he was fired...I'm looking into it. I double check what he tells me to make sure that I don't get sucked in to his lies anymore.

POint it, I'm losing my CS that I have fought for so hard, about a grant a month until he does whatever...

Here's why I think that he got fired and this also goes to show other BS then Aland sucks...POWS got "laid off" thursday, well he's living with OW right...he didn't tell her until Friday morning which caused a huge fight from the way POWS was rambling on...OW said that she was no going to take care of a grown man and she told him that he needed to pack something and go live with his mom...SO HIS LIVING SITCH IS IN DANGER! AND SHE'S still claiming that they are just "friends,"...we all know about that word right?

Later in the conversation, POWS said that so and so got fired "too" like last week or so. The way he added the word "TOO" makes me wonder. Then in the conversation he said something about later down the road having to beg me for a place to stay...I didn't say anything! That's the last thing I will ever do, after how hard I had to fight him to get him out the first time! OH NO, not happening and I think that he was feeling me out TBH!

So after I got off the phone with him, which he said if I wanted to call him back that I could. I told him that he probably needed to vent to his friend that he was on his way to visit.

His co-worker said that he has not heard anything about a layoff and the company sends out notice to the employees that they will be having one. He said that if he heard anything that he would let me know.

POWS txted me Saturday morning with "My life can't be simple and easy!" at 5:30. When I woke up and saw it, I just deleted it and didn't response. I can't be and will not be his leaning post!

So, the bonus that I'm getting tomorrow for stepping up at work will not be used for Christmas but to get us through the next few months with just my income.

I have to go deal with the boys for a little bit! I will come back and finish posting. I ahve a few other things that I wanted to say!

OKay, so sense I can't control POWS' stuff but I can control my own stuff...the first thing I did was sit down with my finances and looked at my budget to see how I can make it through this rough time!

THe boys are going to have a pretty good xmas, I just will not be spending anything more at this point to make sure that we are okay! No shopping and giving to friends and family either...

I personally have to think that God was preparing me for this, setting me up, letting me know that I would be okay...adding to my income before the news came from POWS. Friday at lunch I got a call from a friend of mine who owns a business and is having medical problems. She needed someone to come in and balance six months so she could give the infor to her accountant this week. At first she asked me how much I would want to be paid and I know that they can't afford a lot so I asked her what she was able to pay me...I was just going to do it because she needed the help. So, I worked for six hours yesterday getting her up to speed.

The only thing I could think of was that call at lunch was God's way of telling me before hand that I was going to be okay. I mean I haven't even paid my first car note yet! But I'm feeling pretty good about the news, I have some concerns however, I've made it on just my income before!

So tomorrow I will be calling my lawyer and informing them on the sitch and saying "OKAY, what do we do NOW?" POWS still owes me money, there's comm. Property to settle and now he doesn't have a job! What do we have to do to get the income assignment set up or have the state walk in?

If there's anything else that I need to do please help me think of it!

I haven't done anything with my old car, I'm concerned with selling it even through POWS said that it was my car and I could do anything I wanted with it. Basically, I don't trust him and have no reason too! Like I'm concerned with what he's going to do with the 401K...we are still under an order from the court about getting rid of anything...if he cashs that 401 out then I'm sure he would be in trouble for that also. The government would be taking their 20% out etc. Then as bad of a bid as he is in, I wouldn't put it past him to use the money to get out of debt, etc.

So I need some advice on that one! I'm praying for March to come fast so I can get this all settled!

OH, on top of that, there was a certified letter that came in the mail. THe post office messed up and put the letter and the card in my box. Apparently, ANOTHER LAWYER besides mine is after him.

Reenforcement that I made the right decision in D'ing this loser...all of his would be on my shoulders! My life would be chaos and I'm so happy not to have that in my life! I would be crazy with dealing with his emotions, his stuff and my emotions and my stuff on top of it!

On another note, I just went introduce myself to our new neighbor, appears to be a single dad with his DD, same age as YS. THe boys wanted to play with her, so I introduced myself and invited her over!

Hi Rin,

I haven't really posted to you in a long while. But I just have to tell you how I can just imagine your voice talking through the last posts.

YOU are a GODDESS and I have absolute BELIEF in your that you will get through this.... You are a warrior. You know the steps, you know how you can't control the outside stuff, just turn it over to G-d and let him take care of you.

G-d has your back, he knows what he is doing. Reach down deep and grab that FAITH you always seem to grasp when you need it most. G-d is there, he will give you what you need. Maybe not what you want.... But what you need.

[quote] My life would be chaos and I'm so happy not to have that in my life! [quote] You get to be the partner in this new life with G-d and let him lead you to the promised land.

If you lose the CS can you get state assistance for food or anything else that would help out? Can you go to the food bank and get some help there. It helped me out and let me put money towards other stuff.

I haven't given my children gifts at Hanukkah, birthday or really anything else for a few years now. Can't afford it, what I have given them is my recovery and survival to move on and build a new life. We have heat, food, a roof over our head and gas to get to places.

I love you Rin, I believe in you....

POWS, what a joy that is NOT YOURS..... :crosseyedcrazy:

Oh I wish! I thought about that yesterday but I make to much by myself...Cause I was wondering about getting the kids on reduced lunch but I was denied without my CS so I'm sure I would be denied to food stamps...there is a program that I'm aware of for food and I've done that before...

The Angel Food ministries...I missed the past few months but this Saturday you can sign up for Janurary's menu, cheaper, awesome food, restuarant grade...so, I'm going to start preparing for Jan with that...then if I have to I can always call my mom and ask for help...anyone can qualify for the program and you can use your food stamps to get the food...www.angelfoodministies.com...if that's not the site, let me know...I tell ppl about it often at school...there's sites all over the US...

I already let her know the sitch and said that I would be fine for the next month or so, but would probably need some help down the road...everything will be covered except food and gas...I actually feel pretty good about it only becasue of the bonus tomorrow...that's a month of CS right there...GOD was preparing me for this...he really has taken care of me...

Back in the day if I was with POWS, I would have been freaking out...I mean really stressing, wondering how long is it going to take him to find a job...blah, blah, blah...just ate up with worry...but not today...calm, cool, and collected...now that's progress!

The only thing I have to figure out is my next step with him, holding HIM accountable to his kids!

Thanks Queen! I hear your program in you writing! I've been reading, keeping up of late! You are doing wonderful, I hear the change and it's amazing! KUDOS!!! :happyhanukkah:

Things have been getting better for you and the fam huh?

Yes, he was. And it's because he has FAITH in you that you will SEEK him for help instead of doing what you would have done in the past.

And in your words, your program is coming out in your writing.

Does it mean we don't worry, NOT... We are human, but we also keep it to a HEALTHY concern and understand where and how we make our next step.

Go back to the school and try again. In my district we have changes made all the time. Anything helps, yes?

I'm going to check out that ministries, but I'm sure even though I'm not getting the court ordered amount, I'm doing ok.

Asking G-d for the next indicated step is good. And then doing the footwork and in the end all we can do is leave the result in G-ds hands. That is SO HARD.

You are doing AWESOME.......

Thank you so much! I need that support right now!

POWS is still trying to pull me back in...at least that's my POV...

He txted me again...a little while ago with "Slip in and give the boys kisses from me please!"

I wrote back that he would be able to give them kisses soon enough himself...

He replied "I know but a little extra won't hurt!"

I didn't response...he's in that mode of feel sorry for me...and I'm not giving him any slack...I will not help him...had he made better choices in the past he would not be in the spot that he's in today...

I am planning on being pretty dark with him right now...

I was looking through stuff tonight to help with my letter to get OS an evaluation and I ran across POWS birth cert. and SS card...he kind of needs that to get another job...hummmm...what to do about that one? I guess if asked I will deal with that then...but I'm not offering anything to him...he's got to stop depending on me to come to his rescue...

Recognition is money in the bank. It helps us to protect ourself, not react, make choices and take action based on OUR desires and wants. NOT THEIRS....

I feel like I need a mystical swirling eye, and say in my best Mad Eye Moody voice "Constant Vigilance!"

Plan B queens cannot let down their guard, EVER.

You know that you cannot go back to THAT kind of life, so much constant vigilance must be used to avoid that smelly dark place!

You're an inspiration RIN!

Thanks Queen...I'm doing my best!

KA, I am always on guard with him, looking for the lies, the charming attitude...he is amazing in a bad way.

I can not ignore him completely for the rest of my life but I walk a line thin when I ahve to deal with him BECAUSE I don't trust his motives...

I love being removed from him and have every intention of keeping him as far away as possible!

He IS MY BLACK HOLE!

So I called my lawyer this morning and the paralegal's response to me saying that POWS had lost his job was: "You have got to be kidding me!"

So she said that she would be writing a letter to his lawyer and seeing if we can settle the community property. I also voiced my concerns about him cashing out the 401 and she said that we still had the restraining order providing him from doing anything like that. I said given his history that did not stop him from selling the motorcycle or taking everything. She said that this was true.

So, I'm handling my business and taking care of the boys. What more can I do at this point?

I need to gather all of the CS checks that I have recieved and add them together to see how much POWS is actually behind. I'm sure that number is higher than I'm thinking and start really looking at the number for the CP settlement!

My plate is full right now between this work, OS's education, which I am finishing up the letter to the appropiate personel within the parish today, and work.

Today, I am dealing with some anxiety!

Rin, don't forget to breathe honey.

With POWS losing his job, I don't think that means that the CS stops. It should keep acruing so that when he DOES finally get re-employed he continues to pay and will owe back CS.

You know his tax return can be garnished if he owes back CS, right? I think there's other things that can be done too. I even think you can go through the state's attorney general's office if you don't want to pay (or can't pay) the attorney's fees.

You are being very smart and proactive by planning ahead financially.

This is just another bump on the rocky road of life.

You'll survive because we ALL know that Rin is a survivor.

AND if he applies for Unemployment Insurance through the state, they can garnish that also for child support.

Fox

My question to the state is : How does the state know? The income assignment was done through my lawyer, so I'm guessing that the state has no clue that he is behind on his CS.

I have no way of getting his tax return right now to my knowledge.

How do you receive payment? Does POWS pay you directly?

IMHO, you should check into going through the state and having THEM collect and get it to you. That way, all these things we are talking about can be caught.

Check with your lawyer.

Fox

POWS employer was paying me directly via an income assignment. With the lost of his job that will no longer happen...I think that I will be getting one more check and then that's it!

My paralegal is looking into this and will be calling me back...I'm trying to figure out exactly how much he owes me in back CS now and then I'm having to update my records with what I ahve paid for him in regards to the bills.

Tons of work still to be done...