It's taken a turn for the worst I'm afraid.

No contact overnight but he called in to my work this morning and gave the receptionist a plate of cake for me from last nights show.

I didn't call him or thank him in anyway.

At 12.15pm there was a voicemail on my work phone. Lots of silence then soft, but dramatic speaking by WH. Doesn't want me to call back, knows what I wanted. Things are really black at the moment and he feels different, thinks he might need to go somewhere for a few days, he needs help. Wants to be there for me and kids but doesn't seem like an option to him. Ready to check out of life. No one to talk to. Has not talked to OW or me and feels lost. Never been this dark before. Holding on to nothing. Will call IM. He can be honest with her and he will follow my wishes.

She hasn't spoken to him yet. I called our MC and he will get psychologist to call him. I did take a call from him and he is in a bad way. Didn't offer much but said that kids and I need him and he has to call someone to get professional help. He wants to take kids away for New Years Eve. Ah, no! Wants to see kids this week and will email IM. I told him to see a GP and get on anti depressents now.

Yuck. This sucks and I don't know what the plan B action is meant to be here. I love him and hate to see this!

Oh the DRAMA eh??????

What to do? Call the Police if he is threateing suicide.

Really? This is all part of the reaction to plan B?

Ok - I sent him the number for Lifeline - 24 hour counselling support.

You are INCREDIBLY good at not listening.

IF you are in any belief he intends self harm CALL THE POLICE. It will be an idle threat he will NEVER make again.

Yes - this is an attampt to make you come out of Plan B. Worked didn't it?

This sucks!

This is a part of "their", feel sorry for me and the lenghts they will go through...it's a part of the game that I can say POWS is trying to pull me into right now...

THey will do anything to suck you back in...you are not responsible for HIS STUFF...if he does do something stupid like that YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE...YOU AHVE TO LET HIM MAY HIS OWN CHOICES....

I'm sorry that his friend died...

BUT it's HIS fault that he is in the position that he's in...

You tell the receptionist to never let him through again...document what he is doing...if he keeps this up then I would recommend a restainting order...

Look at your past...

FI something bad happens to him does he blame you...if something bad happens this time, what's going to happen? Is he going to blame you?

YOU HAVE TO STAND STRONG HERE!!! You are not requested to do anything for him...he's playing on your feelings, does that make up for all the wrong, does that FIX the problems between the two of you?

I KNOW HOW HARD THIS IS but this is more of the game...the poor me...I'm the victim...I can't do this or that because of this or that...if he really wanted to change a thing then he would...if he really wants to do the things that he says he wants to do then YOU are not going to stop that no matter what you do or do not do...

YOU AHVE TO PROTECT YOU AND THE KIDS...that's what YOU CAN DO!

I'm not trying to be harrass or impassionate...but you have to draw a hard line in the sand...he will go to any lenghts right now...

YOU CAN get through this!

2Much- I know this sucks. Here's the cold reality you have to face.

You've been warned several times the man is mentally ill. He has used your kind heart to manipulate you out of the NECESSARY self care of Plan B. You are not in Plan B now.

Because he is going to escalate. And very well could commit the ultimate FU and take his life, trying to heap a life time of guilt on your willing shoulders.

And if you let him continue to lean on you and play you, he would be right about your response to his death. Am I right? You would feel guilty - like you should not have cut him out - if only you had been more understanding of his need for OW while abusing you....

The only way he can get the point that his little drama escalation is not going to get him the satisfaction of continued manipulation of your feelings, is you calling someone else besides him and turning HIM OVER TO THEM. Call the suicide prevention hotline and turn him over to them.

You need to work with the therapist on your need to feel guilty for things you can't control!!!

2M2L, I'm sorry but this is ridiculous. This man is a performer, it's his career, he knows exactly what he's doing. Ignore him. He will NEVER commit suicide, he's far too selfish for that. I have absolutely no fear that he would do something crazy, it's all a ploy to get your attention.

You have to cut all contact with him. The instant you realise a voice or text message is from him hit the delete button without listening or reading. Hang up on him when he rings. Tough on him. He has the option of stopping all this and coming back to you but he has to do what you are asking for as a mininum. All other routes are blocked. Sorry but you have to harden your heart or he will trample all over it.

Wow - so it never stops until it ends...

It feels terrible to be in this position again. I remembered us breaking up when we were engaged. We had just bought a house and I was still living in Singapore and he was "waiting" for me at home. My ex-boyfriend and his brother were stopping through Singapore and had planned a visit and I told WH. Well, he had a complete meltdown (suicidal thoughts etc) and I called his brother and his mother who drove across town to pick him up and rushed him to a psych ward. They kept him for a few hours and put him on anti-depressants etc. I rushed home and the rest is history!!!

He is responsible for his stuff and I did not ask for much. Just space and commitment - ooooh, I imagine how scary that must sound!! A wife asks for a commitment to remain faithful and put her first.

Thank you S4B for your comments. I am sorry to hear that you are going through a hard time too!

Everytime I start to feel the peaceful plan B my boat gets rocked. I spoke to my IM tonight and she will contact him and pick up the pieces. I just want peace. I cried tonight after 4 days of improvement. I haven't been fabulous, but I was really enjoying the quiet. It was nice not waiting for the phone to ring. Now I worry again when it doesn't!

I called the counsellor and they will ring him to arrange the appointment if he hasn't already. I sent some financial info to the IM to send to him so hopefully he sees that I am following my rules. I want him to stick by them too. Wishful thinking.

I will add this to my list. I didn't even realise I was doing this - I thought it came under the caring banner. Yikes.

Just to let you know, you are not alone on this one! I was the same way!

And POWs still tries to play on my emotions but I don't let him...I guess in his mind, he thinks well it's worked in the past so it should today! I've worked hard on moving those buttons. I can't do all the work for him and neither can you!

You'll be find...figure out some ways that you can go darker like the caller ID, telling the receptionist, etc....YOU CA DO THIS!

When I broke up with my abusive fiance (30 years ago), he worked across the street from me. He was so flabbergasted that I would dare break up with him that he just couldn't let go; plus that's the way abusive guys are. Anyway, he came by my work every single day for 2 or 3 months, crying, bedraggled, unshaven, told me he had had to drop out of college, he was so despondent, he was going to kill himself, yada yada yada. Same ol' same ol'. Just like yours. If I wasn't working with a store full of men, I would have caved and gone back to him; but they kept me sane, AND they started chasing him off for me so I could get detoxed from him.

Darkness is your ONLY friend. Sick friend? That's what family is for. Depression? That's what doctors are for. waawaawaa - he MADE this mess; he can drag himself out of it. He KNOWS what he has to do, and yet he still isn't offering to do it! He STILL wants YOU to cave and let him have his grand ol' life back. Crying, my a$$. Just more of the act.

Remind me, did you read Why Does He Do That? or any of Patricia Evans' books on abuse? It will show you that there is typically only one type of woman who ends up in these relationships - the ones who feel a need to help someone else, it's where they get their own self-worth from, by being needed and helpful. Get your therapist to work on your self-esteem with you.

Thank you for your responses. I tried to post last night but my computer crashed and only re-posted Tully's post!!

I spoke to my IM last night and did hand him over to her. She has spoken to him and has it from here. I called the Pschychologist yesterday and they will follow up with WH directly for that appointment AND I sent him a 24 hour counselling phone number.

I feel free - whatever happens from here happens. I cannot control him or his actions, only ME.

My IM had an emotionally abusive relationship with her now H for 13 years. It stopped when she moved out and created HER boundaries and she is living proof of the happiness they can bring. Her H is devoted and loving and no longer abusive and controlling. I think my IM is handling WH very well. I feel ok to go dark and deep.

I know I have had contact with WH but it has been minimal. I have been kind but not racing to pick up the pieces which is my first instinct and I called others to help him as you all suggested. My response to him is always to go through IM and I have been sending financial info and kids info through the IM to set the pace. He is a slow learner, and I see from your posts that it is part of his control.

I think my growth is slow, but it is there. I am reading "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud & John Townsend and "Why Does He Do That" by Lundy Bancroft. They are both amazing books and I need to get further into the second book. I purchased an ebook but you can't print it which is a nightmare for reading on the go!

"Boundaries" is excellent. I love the matter of face advice about actions and consequences and it explains that boundaries do not only protect you, but they enable others to grow too.

It is simple for WH to turn this around. I really didn't ask for much - just for him to choose his wife over a "friendship". I will stick with this no matter what. He needs to learn (and me too) that my boundaries are for me and protect me and if he wants to be with me, he needs to respect them. Actions have consequences!

My next books will need to be on building my self esteem. I did get a good insight into my personality in "Women Who Love Too Much" but I think I will need to go back to the library and hire it again soon.

Today is a new day!

I am going to have to break my fixed loan soon and it will cost $15,500 which I will add to my loan. Great! Then, next year I am going to have to refinance to take advantage of the cheaper rates and I will have to decide to add WH to morgage or not.

Obviously now it is a really easy answer. No.

If he is entitled to 50% of all assets anyway, does it make any difference? I guess I would technically lose my right to change the locks and remain in the house, but am I missing anything?

By changing the mortgage I might be able to save about $1000 per month. It wont be until Jan, but that's only 2 weeks away. I can't wait until the next interest rate drop because the breakout fee will be higher.

Trying to arrange visitation with WH is like pulling teeth with a piece of fairy floss!

He wants everything to be different from my suggestions and asked if he could sleepover at the house with the kids! Ah, no. You gave up that right.

I hate planning Christmas without us all together. We have only got as far as Christmas Eve!!!

He wants them for the day which suits me perfectly.

He hasn't broached Christmas day yet but did ask to take the kids away for New Years Eve.

How EXACTLY are you doing this? Are you using someone to speak to him?

You should NOT be having any communication with him! HE is going to push your buttons anyway that he can!

Sorry, through the IM.

She forwarded his email but it was all date and time related apart from saying he wanted to stay at the house.

My response to IM:-

Hi IM,

Sorry, I didn’t know WH was working 23rd. I can bring the kids in to work and he can pick them up from here on Wednesday morning. I can pack a day bag for them and he can hang out with them and bring them back here for me to take them home after lunch/mid afternoon.

Sleepovers should be at his dad’s/brother’s house. I can provide bed’s etc.

Picking them up at mum and dad’s around 7pm Friday would be fine.

Can he swim with them on Saturday? I will try and get someone else to do it if not.

Did he want them on Saturday night instead so they have more time together for the afternoon/evening/Sunday morning?

Thanks
2M2L

--------in response to:- (to IM from WH)

I actually have a show at the x on Tuesday night (23rd) so I wouldn't be able to collect them from the city. I could however come straight back to the house after the show and sleep in the lounge room and 2M2L could leave early in the morning if she
wanted to.

I can have the kids on Friday night (19th) and take them to swimming on the Saturday for 1 pm lessons. Somebody would have to be there to take them in the pool though, perhaps L or P. Does sleepover mean at home or at my Dads house?

I could pick them up from 2M2L's Mum and Dads place after work on Friday, maybe would get there about 7pm.

Hi 2M2L, it's a tough situation but keep going. You're on the right track. I think though that your IM should not forward his emails. The first one might be innocent enough but he could start including things that push your buttons. So no emails forwarded from either side, just bare bones of info transmitted. Also I think you should stop trying to make life easy for him with regard to seeing the children. Let him sort out arrangements and borrowing beds etc. Your first priority is to make sure the children are as at ease with the situation as possible but don't put yourself out to give him more time with them than he is asking for. And for definite, the children should spend Christmas Day with you (I'd expect them back not too late on Christmas Eve too) wherever you are and he has no rights to see them that day. That's my opinion anyway but maybe others will see things differently.

Hold firm, better days are coming.

Hugs,

Tully