Just curious. Is that a problem?

Neb, you cheated with a married man. You are an adultress and he is an adulterer. It matters not that he was separated. As someone pointed out, you are either married or you're not.

The "I was separated" excuse is so common. An unvelievably large percentage of adulterers try to justify their cheating ways by claiming they were "legally separated" or "emotionally separated" or "sexually separated" or "already divorced in their mind".

Dr. Harley will tell you that until their divorce paper ink is dry, they are married and you are comitting adultery to become involved with them.

Ok, let's assume for a second her story is legit.

He lied to you.

You're saying they stayed together because the following year the son was going to be in college, and you said it was for financial reasons. Yet they were living separately, and according to what you said, the son knew both Mom & Dad were dating. That doesn't make sense. Look at that - that's two different explanations.

You have to understand that us BS's have been through the worst pain in our lives. You come here with a story that holds up about as well as a candle in the wind, and you're refusing to see that. You're refusing to see that he lied to you, and you're refusing to see that you played a part in his wife's pain. Charismatic or not, it isn't right to date someone while they're married. Don't you realize people lie all the time?

Your rationale behind contacting his ex-wife isn't holding up either. First you say it's because he's lied about you, and you want to set the record straight. You hinted that you wanted revenge, and then you said you wanted to apologize to her once someone pointed out that's what you should be doing.

This is why you're getting the multiple 2x4's, your story is full of holes.

If you're here to stir up trouble, I strongly suggest you get some therapy. Messing with people's pain is beyond disturbing. If you're telling the truth, admit your mistake, learn your lesson and don't repeat it. Ever. Leave his ex wife alone. She's trying to heal as it is. You're going to add to her agony by contacting her. Trust me when I say she likely wants nothing to do with you.

And that makes it "right"?

I don't understand at all what you're getting at in the first paragraph.

My desire to contact his now ex-wife is three-fold I guess:

1) to let her know I wouldn't have gone out with him if they really didn't have an agreement to date

2) to let her know he lied to her about me (which he more than likely did)

3) to let her know the real reason we went separate ways

It makes it more believable if there is an epidemic of it occurring!

And because A LOT OF PEOPLE are doing that, it makes it okay!!!!

And if A LOT OF PEOPLE are stealing, then that means stealing is okay because A LOT OF PEOPLE are doing it!!!!

And remember Nazi Germany....way back in the 1940's...A LOT OF PEOPLE were persecuting and killing Jews. It was the norm in that country at the time, but it was okay because A LOT OF PEOPLE were doing it!!!!

So, basically, if Neb meets another man who is seperated, or maybe married and living with the wife, but they are just soooo unhappy and waiting for the kids to grow up, finances, etc. well, then, it's okay for Neb to date him because A LOT OF PEOPLE DO IT!!!! And that makes it all okay!!!!

Neb, you say you are young and naive, and that's true, but you are also a product of our recent society. You have grown up with the belief that if the majority of people are acting in a certain way, or believe a certain philosophy, then majority rules and it means it's okay. The problem, much of the time, is that the majority is wrong and the exception, the lone standout, is right. Society, our culture, wants you believe that "whatever makes you happy right now at this very minute is okay" or "your happiness is what's most important." They do not teach anything about consequences or empathy for others. Look around, for real - Britney Spears (a former OW), Brad Pitt & Angelina Jolie (affair based marriage), President Clinton (player, womanizer, very charming, probably a lot like your ex). These people are thrown in our face every day by the media, who is trying to normalize these behaviors which are wrong! Open your eyes, and think, don't just accept what's out there. Analyze, assess, and judge.

Society tries to teach that everything is a gray area, and there are no absolutes. Sadly, they are mistaken. Some things are black and white, and some things are just plain wrong no matter what kind of spin they put on it. So, a couple is unhappy but staying together til the kids move out and they agree they can both date? Guess what, they are still married and they are both in the wrong! Period! But these are their problems and sins. Don't date the man, and become a part of their problems and sins. And don't label it as "enlightened," because we all know that "enlightened" is just another of those pop-culture word invented to justify something which has always been wrong and make it seem right.

Another thing: be glad you learned all this BEFORE you went and married the guy! Some of us weren't as lucky. I was also young and naive, 18 when I met my now-ex, 20 when I married him. He cheated twice while we were dating, lied about lots of little stuff, and used to steal from a small part-time job where he worked. I blew it off - after all, we weren't married when he cheated, and A LOT OF PEOPLE lie and steal. After all, it's just small stuff, no big deal. Now I'm divorced from a cheater and liar and trying to support my three kids. Pay attention to these small details, because they point to a person's true character and become very big problems later!

I know you feel attacked, but so many people here have been through way more than you and they have the experience. So, even though A LOT OF PEOPLE may agree to date others while still married, I would urge you not to get involved with another married man. Value yourself more than that, set the bar very high. You deserve that. Because you do not want to end up married with kids to someone who, after 10 or 15 years, will want to "date" when things aren't perfect, or he's unhappy. You want someone who will fight for his marriage, for you, no matter what happens or what life brings.

Good luck to you in the future, Neb! Be careful and be smart!

Raquel73

Neb,

Look, it's a lesson.

No married guys, no matter what their living situation is.

Look at the harm done letting your guard down (because you did have a rule against married men before).

In the short time you knew him, he's hurt at least 3 women that YOU KNOW OF.

He's a grenade that leaves nothing but destruction and broken hearts wherever he throws himself.

If you contact HER, not only are you making both of you re-live the nightmare that was Grenadeboy, but you are potentially opening yourself up for contact BY HIM.

Do you want contact with him? Do you want him to rip you to shreds again?

I realize that I was harsh...I apologize, I DO know how it hurts to be lied to, and the amount of time and actual PHYSICAL energy it takes to heal from this.

But you need to. You need to set your feet upon the path towards healing yourself. You will not achieve that by dredging up GB and his angst and lies.

To whom?? Does that entitle you to suspend all judgment and common sense?

OK... let me present it this way. If two married people decide to separate, but aren't quite ready to divorce due to their financial situation or because of children, but also agree it's ok to start dating other people... do you think they deserve to go to hell????

Disease makes it okay?

WH: Sorry hon, I caught the adultry bug.
WW: So did I...lets share germs together...and bring it home to the young'uns...YEA BACTERIA!

It's not okay. No matter what the excuse.

It's harmful and the fact that one must use the analogy of "epidemic" also speaks of it's insidiousness.

I can translate.

They stayed together until their son went to college... but that doesn't make sense, because the son knew they were dating other people, so the truth of the matter is they were not putting up a "happy loving family" front for their son's benefit.

They stayed together for financial reasons, but that doesn't make sense either, because they were living separately, with two mortgages, utilities, etc.

Two supposed reasons they were staying married, but neither of the reasons holds water.

I think they deserve to go to court...and that they make excuses NOT to divorce asap is insane.

BTW: you DO realize you've made your case yourself, don't you?

If there had never been any cheating whatsoever, no one would have hurt like this.

Hi Neb...


As many people have already pointed out to you, just because "everybody's doing it", doesn't make it RIGHT..."Right" is what you should be concerned with.

Can you see now how much pain you would have avoided if you would just have stuck with a black and white view on this? Anything other than "legally divorced" or "never been married" equals "married"..."married" equals "elimination from your dating pool"...Much simpler, yes?

So now you know...Do you agree?

Neb, dictionary.com defines adultery as "voluntary sexual intercourse between a married person and someone other than his or her lawful spouse."

Do you get that what you had with this man was "adultery"?

And I understand this too, you said:


Yes, adultery is very messy and painful business...I hope you have learned from this...I'm sorry you are hurting, but be glad you learned when you did...

Mrs. W

WTF has that got to do with anything?

That's the other thing. Part of me still wants to confront him once more as I never got to have my full say.

Oh and by the way for the, what I assume are the religious zealots here... I went through a very religious phase before all this for years. I found some of the biggest most self-righteous perves I ever encountered in those churches.

The son didn't know and certainly never met any of the other people either parent was dating. I was the first one.

Financially.... yes it was more expensive to live apart, but they were fighting over who was going to get the house....

Yes and that's why I finally gave him an ultimatum by the 3rd month. I told him either he starts that divorce or I'm leaving. He started it the following week.

You wanna let it out?

I'm all ears...I'll even help ya if you want!

Really, tho. What a lot of us have learned it that when you encounter someone like GB, your words have no impact.

It's like shooting someone with a marshmallow gun. He'll prolly keep the marshmallows and there's not much difference in his life made.

A lot of 'em just don't care enough to let the words sink in.

Have you tried burning his cr...er...stuff, if you have any?

All of it...GONE.

Get it gone.

You wouldn't believe how much better you'd feel.

Yes, I finally understand this. That's why my words would be equivalent to just throwing a drink in his face.