I have to admit I really don't quite know what you want here. Whatever the details may be, this guy is a loser. Don't give him a second more of your time. He says this:
Like I said before, separated couples don't agree to anything except what is on their LSA. Dating doesn't get put on that document. They either date or not. They don't ask permission of the STBX-spouse. The minute he says "we have an agreement" you know he is lying.

Now you are all concerned about what his EX thinks of you and finding out various truths that honestly don't even matter any more. He's a dirt bag. Dump him and move on with your life. You know he's a liar - what more do you need?

I've answered your question to the EX:
There was no agreement because he was either (A) actively cheating on what she thought was a good marriage or (B) separated and he is no longer asking her agreement or doing things to please her.

Okay. Why is setting the record straight with people who have no bearing on your CURRENT life so important to you?

What do you hope to gain?

If it's respect, this is not the way to go about it. Believe me, sweetie, the best revenge one can get is to go on and live a successful life. You're never going to get there if you keep jumping back into this cesspool.

Well, goodie for you. Not everyone wants to recover with a cheating spouse...not everyone has a spouse that is willing to recover.

Sometimes divorce takes a long time...and any BS that wishes to start dating AFTER they made the decision to NEVER return to their marriage is doing what is best for them.

WS suck enough years and energy from your life. They really are not due one more day.

The fact that you have stayed in an unhappy marriage is your choice...albeit a bad one. Others choose to move on and be happy.

So how old are you? How old is your boyfriend?

I am angry he has painted me like his ex-wife (ie, Leslie was just too jealous and couldn't get over my one-month long email flirtation.) And I want those who think he is so wonderful to know the truth about him.

I agree 100%...and will take it a bit further. This obsession with contacting the ex? wife is very unhealthy.

Move on with your life and live.

:RollieEyes:

What I'm "getting at" is the different ways he lied to you (according to you). His story was all over the place!

I don't get why you keep outlining why you want to contact the ex. You've said it multiple times and you've been told to just leave her alone.

continue on your current path and it is YOU who will be looked at poorly by others. It will be YOU that is seen as a stalker that can't move on with her life.

Move forward and stop wasting your energy on this stuff.

I was 30, he was 44 when I met him.

actually Tabby, my agreement with my ex-wife DID have that language in the paperwork. Neither of us asked for it...it just seemed to be a "standard" template used by local attorneys.

Nebulachic,
Are you seeing an individual counselor? You have mentioned that you are still a wreck after 2 years. A qualified counselor may be able to help you make sense of things and put your life back together. He/she may also be able to help you gain closure which seems to be what you are really seeking in your desire to contact his ex-wife and his old friends. Personally, I would forget about contacting his old circle of friends. I could support you contacting his ex-wife if your motivation was to apologize and own the hurt you may have caused. To hear you apologize, may actually be of some healing value to her anyways. But any attempt to dispel lies he may have told about you will be pointless really, and will only serve to alleviate your pain at the cost of possibly adding to hers. That is not your right.

Contrary to the other posters here, I think you were in a bad place when this relationship started, got swept off your feet by a guy who said all the right things, and you believed a ridiculous story because you so badly wanted it to be true. The resulting betrayal was simply added onto the previous hurt that you never dealt with and now you are royally screwed up.

The comparisons to pedophiles, burglars, and Nazi Germany are absurd enough to be amusing if they weren't actually serious. People are more than willing to villify you, yet, in nearly every adultery thread here someone makes the following suggestion..."Contact OM/OW. They may not know the truth about your marriage and will break it off themselves."

I'm with MEDC on this one. People are sometimes caught twiddling their thumbs while they wait for the legal process to run its course. Their marriage is over, they have separate residences, etc..., and they are open to dating. You were perhaps, too quick to believe him, but I don't accuse you of anything more diabolical than that.

So back to your original question. What respone do you think you will get from his exwife?

Do you think she will say "oh honey thank-you so much for telling me my ex is a cheater, gee I never knew that"

She knew he was a cheating jerk and that is why she divorced him. You only want to get revenge on this guy and you are willing to use anyone you can. The only thing you owe his exwife is an apology for cheating with her husband.

Do you not get that???????

You pop back on scene and start spewing the stuff you want to spew, and I can guarantee you will make all those 'people who think he's so wonderful' think this instead:

"Man, Dave, good work getting away from that nutjob! Good call, good man!"

Think about it. Put yourself on the other side. What would YOU think of an ex's ex who contacted you years later to 'set the record straight'?

You were old enough to know better. Stop trying to act innocent, it really is disgusting.

Personally, I think you are trying to goad him into contacting you again.

Move on.

It really doesn't matter one iota how you've been portrayed. His exW will NOT care at all, nor will anybody else he knows. You will not be setting any record straight you will, as everyone else has said, be creating more drama for yourself and for people who probably couldn't give a rat's patootie about where you "fitted" in his pathetic life.

Nebula--

What is your goal here on MB? Why are you here? If you're here to get validation for your affair with a MM, then this is what you will continue to get:

:twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

Oh you poor dear!

And the point you're missing/ignoring is you have NO WAY OF KNOWING if the other party really agreed to it, without meeting them yourself! It's a very common lie, and you fell for it.

Oh, so it's only ONE condition that makes adultery OK. And how many of us have you convinced?

I note that you didn't check out that ONE important condition with his WIFE.

'Nuff said.

I still think you're a troll.

Then I will confront him myself. Last time I tried to at his house he threatened to call the cops. That's why I never got to have my final say. All I did was pull into the driveway, park and start walking to the door. This was about a week after I told him I contacted the OW. I think he thought he still had a chance with her and was going to be rolling in millions.

He has pretty much gagged me and threw me in the desert in the hopes of never having what happened brought to light. But I am not one who takes well to that.