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I have to admit I really don't quite know what you want here. Whatever the details may be, this guy is a loser. Don't give him a second more of your time. He says this:
Quote
He had dated other women before me and said he and his separated wife had an agreement to date others.

Like I said before, separated couples don't agree to anything except what is on their LSA. Dating doesn't get put on that document. They either date or not. They don't ask permission of the STBX-spouse. The minute he says "we have an agreement" you know he is lying.

Now you are all concerned about what his EX thinks of you and finding out various truths that honestly don't even matter any more. He's a dirt bag. Dump him and move on with your life. You know he's a liar - what more do you need?

I've answered your question to the EX:
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I know you probably don't have the warmest feelings towards me, but I would just like to know if you and Dave really did have an agreement to date others when I met him and he had told you about the other women he dated prior to me, as he claimed.

There was no agreement because he was either (A) actively cheating on what she thought was a good marriage or (B) separated and he is no longer asking her agreement or doing things to please her.

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Originally Posted by nebulachic
I don't see any of these people anymore, no. My goal would be just to set the record straight.

Okay. Why is setting the record straight with people who have no bearing on your CURRENT life so important to you?

What do you hope to gain?

If it's respect, this is not the way to go about it. Believe me, sweetie, the best revenge one can get is to go on and live a successful life. You're never going to get there if you keep jumping back into this cesspool.


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Quote
Instead of dating other women, I am deciding to WORK on my marriage.

Well, goodie for you. Not everyone wants to recover with a cheating spouse...not everyone has a spouse that is willing to recover.

Sometimes divorce takes a long time...and any BS that wishes to start dating AFTER they made the decision to NEVER return to their marriage is doing what is best for them.

WS suck enough years and energy from your life. They really are not due one more day.

The fact that you have stayed in an unhappy marriage is your choice...albeit a bad one. Others choose to move on and be happy.

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Originally Posted by nebulachic
Originally Posted by TryingToLetItGo
Okay you didn't answer this when it was asked before, so I'll ask.

How old are you and your boyfriend?

My ex and I are 10+ years apart.

So how old are you? How old is your boyfriend?


BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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Originally Posted by canwemakeit
Originally Posted by nebulachic
I don't see any of these people anymore, no. My goal would be just to set the record straight.

Okay. Why is setting the record straight with people who have no bearing on your CURRENT life so important to you?

What do you hope to gain?

If it's respect, this is not the way to go about it. Believe me, sweetie, the best revenge one can get is to go on and live a successful life. You're never going to get there if you keep jumping back into this cesspool.

I am angry he has painted me like his ex-wife (ie, Leslie was just too jealous and couldn't get over my one-month long email flirtation.) And I want those who think he is so wonderful to know the truth about him.


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Originally Posted by canwemakeit
Originally Posted by nebulachic
I don't see any of these people anymore, no. My goal would be just to set the record straight.

Okay. Why is setting the record straight with people who have no bearing on your CURRENT life so important to you?

What do you hope to gain?

If it's respect, this is not the way to go about it. Believe me, sweetie, the best revenge one can get is to go on and live a successful life. You're never going to get there if you keep jumping back into this cesspool.

I agree 100%...and will take it a bit further. This obsession with contacting the ex? wife is very unhealthy.

Move on with your life and live.

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Originally Posted by nebulachic
Originally Posted by broken_soul
Ok, let's assume for a second her story is legit.

He lied to you.

You're saying they stayed together because the following year the son was going to be in college, and you said it was for financial reasons. Yet they were living separately, and according to what you said, the son knew both Mom & Dad were dating. That doesn't make sense. Look at that - that's two different explanations.

Your rationale behind contacting his ex-wife isn't holding up either. First you say it's because he's lied about you, and you want to set the record straight. You hinted that you wanted revenge, and then you said you wanted to apologize to her once someone pointed out that's what you should be doing.

I don't understand at all what you're getting at in the first paragraph.

My desire to contact his now ex-wife is three-fold I guess:

1) to let her know I wouldn't have gone out with him if they really didn't have an agreement to date

2) to let her know he lied to her about me (which he more than likely did)

3) to let her know the real reason we went separate ways

:RollieEyes: crazy

What I'm "getting at" is the different ways he lied to you (according to you). His story was all over the place!

I don't get why you keep outlining why you want to contact the ex. You've said it multiple times and you've been told to just leave her alone.


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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Quote
And I want those who think he is so wonderful to know the truth about him.

continue on your current path and it is YOU who will be looked at poorly by others. It will be YOU that is seen as a stalker that can't move on with her life.

Move forward and stop wasting your energy on this stuff.

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Originally Posted by TryingToLetItGo
Originally Posted by nebulachic
Originally Posted by TryingToLetItGo
Okay you didn't answer this when it was asked before, so I'll ask.

How old are you and your boyfriend?

My ex and I are 10+ years apart.

So how old are you? How old is your boyfriend?

I was 30, he was 44 when I met him.

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Originally Posted by Tabby1
I have to admit I really don't quite know what you want here. Whatever the details may be, this guy is a loser. Don't give him a second more of your time. He says this:
Quote
He had dated other women before me and said he and his separated wife had an agreement to date others.

Like I said before, separated couples don't agree to anything except what is on their LSA. Dating doesn't get put on that document. They either date or not. They don't ask permission of the STBX-spouse. The minute he says "we have an agreement" you know he is lying.

Now you are all concerned about what his EX thinks of you and finding out various truths that honestly don't even matter any more. He's a dirt bag. Dump him and move on with your life. You know he's a liar - what more do you need?

I've answered your question to the EX:
Quote
I know you probably don't have the warmest feelings towards me, but I would just like to know if you and Dave really did have an agreement to date others when I met him and he had told you about the other women he dated prior to me, as he claimed.

There was no agreement because he was either (A) actively cheating on what she thought was a good marriage or (B) separated and he is no longer asking her agreement or doing things to please her.

actually Tabby, my agreement with my ex-wife DID have that language in the paperwork. Neither of us asked for it...it just seemed to be a "standard" template used by local attorneys.

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Nebulachic,
Are you seeing an individual counselor? You have mentioned that you are still a wreck after 2 years. A qualified counselor may be able to help you make sense of things and put your life back together. He/she may also be able to help you gain closure which seems to be what you are really seeking in your desire to contact his ex-wife and his old friends. Personally, I would forget about contacting his old circle of friends. I could support you contacting his ex-wife if your motivation was to apologize and own the hurt you may have caused. To hear you apologize, may actually be of some healing value to her anyways. But any attempt to dispel lies he may have told about you will be pointless really, and will only serve to alleviate your pain at the cost of possibly adding to hers. That is not your right.

Contrary to the other posters here, I think you were in a bad place when this relationship started, got swept off your feet by a guy who said all the right things, and you believed a ridiculous story because you so badly wanted it to be true. The resulting betrayal was simply added onto the previous hurt that you never dealt with and now you are royally screwed up.

The comparisons to pedophiles, burglars, and Nazi Germany are absurd enough to be amusing if they weren't actually serious. People are more than willing to villify you, yet, in nearly every adultery thread here someone makes the following suggestion..."Contact OM/OW. They may not know the truth about your marriage and will break it off themselves."

I'm with MEDC on this one. People are sometimes caught twiddling their thumbs while they wait for the legal process to run its course. Their marriage is over, they have separate residences, etc..., and they are open to dating. You were perhaps, too quick to believe him, but I don't accuse you of anything more diabolical than that.


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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So back to your original question. What respone do you think you will get from his exwife?

Do you think she will say "oh honey thank-you so much for telling me my ex is a cheater, gee I never knew that"

She knew he was a cheating jerk and that is why she divorced him. You only want to get revenge on this guy and you are willing to use anyone you can. The only thing you owe his exwife is an apology for cheating with her husband.

Do you not get that???????


BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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Originally Posted by nebulachic
I am angry he has painted me like his ex-wife (ie, Leslie was just too jealous and couldn't get over my one-month long email flirtation.) And I want those who think he is so wonderful to know the truth about him.

You pop back on scene and start spewing the stuff you want to spew, and I can guarantee you will make all those 'people who think he's so wonderful' think this instead:

"Man, Dave, good work getting away from that nutjob! Good call, good man!"

Think about it. Put yourself on the other side. What would YOU think of an ex's ex who contacted you years later to 'set the record straight'?


Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
(Oscar Wilde)
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Originally Posted by nebulachic
Originally Posted by TryingToLetItGo
Originally Posted by nebulachic
Originally Posted by TryingToLetItGo
Okay you didn't answer this when it was asked before, so I'll ask.

How old are you and your boyfriend?

My ex and I are 10+ years apart.

So how old are you? How old is your boyfriend?

I was 30, he was 44 when I met him.

You were old enough to know better. Stop trying to act innocent, it really is disgusting.


BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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Personally, I think you are trying to goad him into contacting you again.

Move on.

It really doesn't matter one iota how you've been portrayed. His exW will NOT care at all, nor will anybody else he knows. You will not be setting any record straight you will, as everyone else has said, be creating more drama for yourself and for people who probably couldn't give a rat's patootie about where you "fitted" in his pathetic life.

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Nebula--

What is your goal here on MB? Why are you here? If you're here to get validation for your affair with a MM, then this is what you will continue to get:

:twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:


One year becomes two, two years becomes five, five becomes ten and before you know it, you've wasted your whole life on a problem you can't solve. That's one way to spend your life. -rwinger

I will not spend my life this way.
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Originally Posted by nebulachic
I am angry he has painted me like his ex-wife (ie, Leslie was just too jealous and couldn't get over my one-month long email flirtation.) And I want those who think he is so wonderful to know the truth about him.

Oh you poor dear! puke


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Originally Posted by nebulachic
Originally Posted by rightherewaiting
Look at this. Four hours, and EIGHT PAGES of discussion. With a woman who INSISTS still that it's OK to date married people under whatever conditions she deems acceptable.

Actaully, the ONLY condition I deemed it acceptable is if both parties have agreed it's ok to date others.

And the point you're missing/ignoring is you have NO WAY OF KNOWING if the other party really agreed to it, without meeting them yourself! It's a very common lie, and you fell for it.


Me(bw/fww) 39
recovering with amazing fwh/bh 36
DS 7
DS 4

His
EA Oct '07 - 7/2/08 (d-day)
NC 7/4/08

Hers
EA/RA 6/'09-3/'10
NC 3/17/10


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Originally Posted by nebulachic
Originally Posted by rightherewaiting
Look at this. Four hours, and EIGHT PAGES of discussion. With a woman who INSISTS still that it's OK to date married people under whatever conditions she deems acceptable.

Actaully, the ONLY condition I deemed it acceptable is if both parties have agreed it's ok to date others.

Oh, so it's only ONE condition that makes adultery OK. And how many of us have you convinced?

I note that you didn't check out that ONE important condition with his WIFE.

'Nuff said.

I still think you're a troll.


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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Originally Posted by canwemakeit
Originally Posted by nebulachic
I am angry he has painted me like his ex-wife (ie, Leslie was just too jealous and couldn't get over my one-month long email flirtation.) And I want those who think he is so wonderful to know the truth about him.

You pop back on scene and start spewing the stuff you want to spew, and I can guarantee you will make all those 'people who think he's so wonderful' think this instead:

"Man, Dave, good work getting away from that nutjob! Good call, good man!"

Think about it. Put yourself on the other side. What would YOU think of an ex's ex who contacted you years later to 'set the record straight'?

Then I will confront him myself. Last time I tried to at his house he threatened to call the cops. That's why I never got to have my final say. All I did was pull into the driveway, park and start walking to the door. This was about a week after I told him I contacted the OW. I think he thought he still had a chance with her and was going to be rolling in millions.

He has pretty much gagged me and threw me in the desert in the hopes of never having what happened brought to light. But I am not one who takes well to that.

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