Been lurking here awhile

I have been on the DB website for about 5 months and applying those principles to my sitch.
W has keen having an A since July 2007...she told me the date. Bomb day for me was June 11 2008. Since then I have exposed to...both families...OM gf....friends of ours..some of her work associates.
I almost went thru work and OM parent exposure letters in sept of this year.
My W lives at home still in spare room (her cave).
As far as consequences so far
All utilities and bills paid by me
W pays to live at home...I told her I would not support her during A/Divorce
She gave me some BS divorce papers on Oct 2...full custody for her CS...more money then we have etc

I actually filed on her 10 days later....same stuff but reverse....no crazy money though.

Her BS papers said she did not want the house...I do and can afford it without her.

Our kids know about the A. They go to counseling once a week together.

W and I were going to MC together...what a joke!

W has been going to IC and I go to the MC solo now

We interact ALMOST like a perfect family when together.

The A is still alive...it's a workplace A

I have heard all the fog babble...did the pleading, begging, suicide thoughts in the beginning.

Is it now too late for exposure to OM parents and to work higher ups?

Questions or comments appreciated.

Of course not! Not if they are still in the affair. But when you do, make sure you send certified letters to the Director of Human Resources, and cc a couple other big-wigs, so they all know everyone else knows. That way, it'll be illegal to sweep it under the rug (at least if you're in America).

I would also send a new round of letters to everyone previously notified: "I just wanted to make sure you're aware that WW is still carrying on her A with POS. She apparently believes that I should give her full custody and CS when we divorce, despite what she has done, so I am letting you know that I am going to fight this attempt and will be making the A public. If you have any advice, I would love to hear it."

Might be enough for some of them to give her some renewed (or new) heat.

No, its not too late for workplace and OM parents exposure, however, I doubt it will end the affair right away because the affair has become so entrenched. It will hasten its death for sure. It will be no fun to carry on the affair when everyone at work is watching.

Have you met with the OM face to face?


BUT YOU ARE DOING EXACTLY THAT. Paying you rent like a boarder - WITH MARITAL INCOME - makes her believe she can ACT like a boarder and continue her affair. My suggestion would be to get her moved out legally. What is the status of your divorce?

This set up actually enables your wife's affair. She can live in the comfort and security of your home as a renter, saying she is "seperated"* and carry on her affair as if she is entitled.

*separated. to my astonishment, there are many ppl that believe moving into the spare bedroom and announcing they are "separated" means they are separated. That is the craziest thing I have ever heard!

Exposure letter developed by BritsBrat, a corporate attorney, send the letter to Director of Human Resources, the affairees bosses and a key VP with cc's on every letter:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

Are you in a fault state? Can you file on grounds of adultery?

What is the status of the D and can you get her moved out?


What have they been told and by WHOM? Have they been introduced to the affair?

Have you stayed in touch with the OM's GF and does she know the affair has continued?

Melody

iPhone does not do well with copy/paste so 1 at a time I can answer

OM
I have met him, I have shaken his hand, he has been to our home for a party, all pre bomb of course. My kids have met him as well but not as OM.

Divorce status

She has cried divorce 1000 times since bomb day. We did have a couple "work on things" weekends over the summer. She had an attorney draw up some papers that were all crap...gave them too me...told me if I fought her on custody she would make me out to be a child molester etc etc. I was calm...told her I needed to think about it...I know what I wanted to do but also what I needed to do. After some more verbal outbursts from her I finally filed on her on mental/verbal abuse/erreconsilable differences(sp?).

IMO you should have added "adultery" to the list of issues.

I am in Illinois which is a no fault state. I have mentioned the term "alienation of affection" to my W once....she was pretty scared!! I am still working on that part

Getting her out of the house

I have told her she can go but she will not...not without the kids.

What my kids know
For the longest time it was "I just don't love daddy anymore" or "I can't forgive him for some things". They know mommy has a BF but who or details they do not. My kids C has told me they are worried about losing mommys "love".

OM GF

She is pretty much a loss for me...she wanted concrete proof.

Have you had a come-to-Jesus with him about the affair? This is what I am suggesting. Meeting with him and asking him to end his affair with your wife. Ask him what his intentions are.


Then what are you doing to get her out legally? Are you just planning on living in this triangle of enablement forever? What is the PLAN?



So, they have been told LIES and are being led to believe that marriages break up over NOTHING. The truth has been WHITEWASHED in order to cover up for your wife. They need to be told the absolute TRUTH and given moral guidance. If you don't do this, they will grow up morally confused and will be vulnerable to your wife's lies when she teaches them wrong is right.

I would be getting her that PROOF and staying in touch with her.

I see lots of opportunities here that have not been exploited, Carp.

This is a segment that is sloppily and partially transcribed by me that was on the Dr Laura show. [anyone wants this MP3, email me at ohmelodylane@aol.com] I thought Dr. Laura made some EXCELLENT and profound points about the effects of lying to children about adultery. I don't always agree with her views on adultery, but she is right on in this aspect.

Dr. Harley, as many of you know, is a strong advocate of telling the children the TRUTH.

Dr. Laura show [4:25 min into segment - 5-15-08]

Caller: Husband had an affair with good friend for 2 years. Her H ws one of his "buddies."

Dr. Laura: Do you have minor children?

Caller: Yes, we both do

Dr. Laura: They are willing to hurt your kids? Why are they willing to break up the families?

caller: Basically, they said they are not "happy."

Dr L: So that is the explanation for being willing to hurt their kids? They are doing this to be "happy?"

What can I do to possibly help you?

Caller: I need to know what to tell my kids.

Dr. Laura: THE TRUTH. They are breaking up 2 families because they have decided.....

See, I am not of the school where you stand by and do pretend with kids where this is all ok. Because this is NOT OK.

The most important story is that this is NOT OK. sit down with your husband and tell him you are going to explain to our children, in a factual, non hysterical way I am going to explain to the kids the horrible thing you are doing to destroy their family. That you are "not happy" is not sufficient reason to destroy 2 families and I am going to make this clear to them because I want them to grow up understanding this is WRONG.

That is my advice. And i think everybody should be clear this is selfish behavior that is WRONG, vows were made.

Not being "happy" is something you work to turnaround, not something you destroy a family over. If both of these people were to hear this was going to happen they will have second thoughts.

DO not think for a moment you are doing wrong by telling your children this. It is your moral obligation to teach them right from wrong. EVEN when it demonstrates a parent has done wrong. The parent cannot be whitewashed and get away with that - THAT IS WRONG and that does not teach the children

I really hope alot of people hear this. Alot of ppl want to whitewash what they are doing. Kids should know that is your attitude.

But to tell the custodial parent: hey don't make me look bad for my own selfish gain is ABSURD! and is EVIL! We are going to make wrong seem ok. Kids will lose any sense of right and wrong. Kids will be taught that anything is ok as long as it makes me "happy." Kids lose any sense of right or wrong. "well, it makes me happy to use drugs" when I am 12 It makes me "happy" to get on my knees and give 4 6th graders oral sex. That is what they teach their kids.

This is what happens when you whitewash wrongdoing to make no body feel bad which is why I get called MEAN. I get called mean because I say the truth. "Its MEAN to say something is right or wrong; its mean to make somebody feel bad!" Its MEAN to say the truth. People get shut down when they get called "judgmental" when they say the truth. The intent is to shut you down. Well, I don't shut up. Kids don't learn important truths when they allow others to shut them down. We don't help our children when we don't say the truth and support them in saying what is right and wrong.

Have you filed this suit yet? The OM needs to suffer massive CONFLICT for choosing to have an affair with your wife. He will not want the trouble, so your goal should be to cause him as much trouble as possible.

Expose to his parents, employer, GF, file suit on him. Contact him and meet with him face to face. [leave your pistol in the car]

Confronting OM
I have not went up to him and had a "man to man". All info I have read up on says to not confront...it just makes me look weak. I am pursueing legal action against him though.

My W should be recieving my final papers this week. Kids with me, other stuff 50/50. My L has advised no CS from her rite now...we can go for it later but make the pot "sweet" rite now.

When I did file my W was furious! You can't take my kids...no judge will give you 2 girls blah blah blah...

My kids know about the A. Have I sat down and told them I filed because of it? No. My mantra to my kids has been....dad is doing what is best for our family...this will always be your home.

As for the mailing of the letters to Ws work
All mail goes past her desk/dept. Email may be the way to go there. All addresses are on the company website. Letter to OM parents can be mailed though.

Hand deliver the letter straight to Managment. You could go when wife is at lunch.

I would disagree with this advice - it makes you look WEAK to allow this man to have an affair with your wife with no consequences whatsoever. He will view that as fear on your part and will be emboldened - as you can see! He believes he is free to have an affair with your wife and you will do nothing to stop it.

OM are cowards who do not like facing the consequences of their actions. When faced with their victim, they tend to have second thoughts about victimizing him. Dr Harley recommends asking the OP: what are your intentions with my wife? It is not uncommon that the OP has been lied to about the state of the marriage so this gives you a chance to straighten that out.


50/50 with a wayward? Can your L not do any better than that? Such as giving you primary custody, keeping them in the home and giving her alternating weekends?


They need to be told all about the affair and given moral guidance. Kids can deal with the truth, they cannot deal with lies. If they are not told that adultery is immoral and WHY, they will believe it is just another lifestyle choice. SILENCE on this issue connotes your endorsment, let me assure you. They should not be left out in the cold to make up their own minds about such a critical issue.

Too many possible "roadblocks" with this plan.

Melody

50/50 only refers to our stuff!

I am going for custody of our kids...sorry if that was not more clear.

My W has mentioned "confronting" OM...I told her there are better ways then that.
She has commented that he is a sissy though...

OM GF had sent me a " please don't contact me anymore" email. Harassing her and stuff....she is a piece of work. I once emailer her some pics of OM I found at home...some were even pics of OM and GF!!! She said they didn't mean anything!! I told her if he says there is nothing between OM and my W....why does she have pics?

Great!


What did your W mention about it?

Carp, I would do it via email as you suggested then. Address it to the Director of HR and cc other key people on the email. They need to know that others see it so no one is tempted to deep six the message.

He would be afraid of me physically. When I did bring up legal action she said he would fight it.