Although I'm from the area we live and most of my family and friends are here, I am seriously considering looking for a job basically across country. We had talked about moving somewhere warmer before the OW got pregnant, but now I'm ready to go even more. My fiance also says he has no problem moving.

The child is due in April, and although we're not 100% sure, more than likely it's his. I know that moving won't solve anything or make the child go away, but for my sanity I don't know if I can deal with it or the OW everyday or living so close by. Kinda like out of sight out of mind. He has contact w/her now as she always seems to have some sort of "medical issue" with her pregnancy that requires him going to the hospital but always ends up being nothing. It will be his 1st boy (we have an 8 year old girl together) and it's not like I don't want him to have contact w/the child it's just her manipulating him along with the embarrassment of having to explain to every person that we know when they ask where this kid came from.

Has anyone else moved to another state to get away from the OW? Did it work out better for you all?

There is a member here, fledthestate, that yes moved away to get far from xOW. They are NC with OC though. LD visitation will be difficult. Your fiance should not be involved with the OW during the pregnancy. Nothing should be done until DNA proves him to be the father. She is just being a STOW and using the pregnancy to keep him involved. It will simply continue with the OC being the pawn later on.

I agree NC until birth and DNA test.

Moving will help with emotions and overall well being, but you have to balance the loss of you family being close, and know matter where you go the CS police will come knocking for money.

Thanks Faithy!!


Yes, we moved and it was the best thing we could do for my recovery. The first thing I am going to address though is this.

The OW is PG. That's her problem. Your WS's problem is you, your COM, and discovering why he did this (What's wrong with him). The job for both of you is to start healing your M (relationship). The OW has NO place in it right now. He does not need to be supporting her or taking care of her in anyway. He should be 100% NC. When the DNA test has been done to confirm that he is the biological father of her child, then the only contact he needs to have with her is specifically about the OC.

OW like to draw the WS back into taking care of them using the OC as an excuse. You and he need to spend the next four months healing and working on being a unified team, concerned only with the welfare of the OC, and OW is a grown woman, she can take care of herself. Many single moms do it every day. (I did when I D'ed my xh. My DS 20 was 2 when I met my FWH.) So...as MB teaches. WH needs to go 100% NC with OW...NOW.

Then you need to decide together what you the BS can handle. I knew that I couldn't handle the C with OW. Also, my FWH, was specifically targeted as a sperm donor and he fell for it all. We waited for the DNA results, then went through the CS hearing. We moved 1500 miles the 3 days after the CS order was signed. She tracked us down. We had the attorney reinform her that all contact was to be through the attorney. Our choice was to go NC. We decided it was best for our M, for our COM, and for the OC. We have raised my DS20, visiting his dad long distance, Having watched the effects of this on a child of divorce was difficult enough, the separate morals, values, rules, expectations of two different homes from an A situation would not have been in this OC's best interest. The best thing she could do would to be to find a good male role model for her son.

You need to look at all the implications early. First, if the OC is his, she will sue for CS. If you do not already have a CS order in place for your COM, she will get more money for her OC, than you will get to keep for your COM.

Second, the OW will treat you the BS like you are the A partner. She will not want you around her OC, because she thinks you will not be good or kind to the OC. She believes that you will try to hurt her OC. This is why it is very important to heal the M first and face the OW as a united front.

Third, Moving......

It was the best thing we did for us. However, we did not have all our family close by at the time. A move is stressful, expensive. The job market isn't great right now, will you be able to relocate easily, get jobs, provide for COM similarly to now? You want to inflict the least harm on COM because of dad's behavior. We have never told COM about the A. They are unaware of the reasons that prompted us to "Flee". Having our contact information banned from her, and we just did a second move because where we landed the first time wasn't the best for DS 11 and the school environment, was absolutely the right choice for us. My FWH is very comfortable with the NC choice. He did not plan, did not want this OC. He would gladly have signed adoption papers. He plans to tell the truth when the OC rings our doorbell in 16 years. He made choices that did not protect me, COM, or M, all his choices now have to be made balancing the harm caused to all, including the OC, and EXCLUDING the OW. The least harm is the only choice that can be made, because there will be harm to someone now, no matter what . We believe the least harm to all is complete NC with OC. OC never had a dad, his mom just had a sperm donor, that recieves, more money for CS than you would believe possible.

Will check in later,

Fled

FTS

sorry you are in this touchy spot. please accept this as jmho.

in your situation moving may not solve anything in fact it may create more complications.

your "fiance" will be the father of his 1st son. he obviously has some decent values or he wouldn't have stayed 8 years being a proud father of your (both of you) little girl while not being married.

***side note*** i happen to love that 6 - 9 yo age for little girls. they are the cutest little beings on the face of the earth at that age. they talk none stop, ask the best unanswerable questions, need you for so much, and yet want to dress up and look so beautiful.

sorry, ok back to business

he is already spending time with ow that he should be spending with you. rebuilding your relationship and your trust. if he is out of the A and fog (highly unlikely), then it is because he is
smitten with this being a boy. i am thinking he is looking forward to being an active father and that is why he is going.

although you hear that " she was just being dumb. it was no big thing". imho, he is still carrying some kind of spark for her or he wouldn't be so easily manipulated by her and running off every time she calls.

are you SURE the A is over??? COMPLETELY???

so why do i see the move as more trouble?

simply that if he wants to seek visitation it will create a long distance situation. that creates all sort of additional expenses. air fare, hotels, food, time off of work and logistics.

not to mention the hassles that you will have with a STOW mother sending her little one off for extended periods of time (even weekend over nighters) so far away.

and if separation from the oc causes grief in his heart it will cause grief in your relationship

what happens if your "fiance" decides to cut costs and stay at ow's house while he visits the oc? or just spending time with oc and ow when you are not along? kinda like having 2 separate little family's. that doesn'r ever work

and that the out of site out of mind won't happen for some time. as you have said that ow is already having him run to hospital for all kinds of trumped up reasons.

with that said she will most likely be calling him constantly for quite some time with all sorts of wacky excuses just so she can keep in contact with him.

you said """""""the embarrassment of having to explain to every person that we know when they ask where this kid came from.""""""

not trying to judge you here. my oldest dd has 4 beautiful little girls from 3 separate men. and only 1 guy was she married to (now almost D'd) but was good and preg before the marriage.

so you just expalin it with the same way you explained having your dd with your "fiance" and not a husband. just plainly and clearly state the facts. and you do it with your head up, a clear voice and NO feelings of selfworth or failure on your part.

look i had a 20 yr marriage, 7 kids, and a very well celebrated vascectomy and my w turned up prego (not covered in spaggetti sauce) from another dude................now how do you explain that............... you just do.

He is your fiancee...but you have an 8 year old child together?

He has gotten someone else pregnant now.

Is there marriage in sight? If there is, I would rethink it.

On second thought....if you haven't married him by now, and you share an 8 year old child, a marriage was never in the works.

So, you might want to look into getting some child support for your daughter because she isn't a child of marriage, and you are gonna draw the short stick should he decide to leave, and the other child is proven to be his.

JMHO

committed

Just an Update....

The DNA test proved the child is his, and the OC turned 1 not to long ago. We went to marriage counseling and he went to individual counseling as well. We ended up getting married last year, about a month before the OC was born, and we actually had a son of our own who is 7 1/2 mths. Everyday is still a struggle, but we are fighting through it. He still has limited contact w/the OW and the OC comes over every other weekend but besides those 4 days my marriage and family life has been great and fortunately peaceful. He told our 9 year old daughter who the OC was, and surprisingly she handled it OK. I did find out that he slept w/the OW once last year, I saw a text message, and he fessed up. The trust is the hardest thing to rebuild. Thankfully, the OW is actually moving 4 states away in a month because she's broke and can't afford to live out here anymore. I think she thought that my husband had $$$ when in reality I make most of the $$$ and CS only reflects his salary LOL. So I didn't have to leave my job or my family to get rid of OW and OC after all. However, I am weary of what the OW is going to try to pull next (even from far away) since she's been trying to interfere with our relationship from Day 1, but at least my husband is aware of it now and realizes the manipulations and games that she plays.

Didn't he realise that last year before he slept with her again?

Do you really believe that you stumbled upon the only time they had sex since the affair was revealed? Wouldn't it be amazing for him to have had sex with her only once, and for you to have discovered the text messages from just that once?

Why do you believe that their affair is over? What is the nature of the "limited contact" that your H has with her?

Did the renewed sex take place before or after your wedding?