Ok, maybe I'm getting paranoid. Help me decide what I should do. Today my H may have to work near where OW lives and works. I'm so worried that he may try to see her and everything will fall apart with us. Should I try to contact him? We don't talk about the affair as he told me when we wrote the letter that now that its in the past he doesn't want me to ever bring it up again. I'm very insecure about the relationship, and I'm having such a hard time re-establishing trust in him. Is this something you would consider a lovebuster? I believe there's several of you out there that are basically in the same position I'm in, so maybe you could provide me some insight as to how you're dealing with this and re-establishing trust. My H does not want to go to counseling. His idea of fixing things is to bury the past and start over like we were just married. I'm doing Plan A right now. We've had three good weeks so far but there hasn't been a chance for him to be anywhere near where OW lives/works. I don't know, maybe I'm just overly cautious since he has hurt me so bad and so deeply by what he's done. As KarmaGirl stated he's done the three A's, Addition, Adultery, Abuse. My H has always been a cold hearted man. His idea of showing "love" is by going to work everyday and helping me with the barn chores. I've got to get this resolved soon before I have a nervous breakdown. I can't eat again. Prayer doesn't seem to be helping right now. Thanks for listening.

I saw your post went unanswered yesterday.<P>How did it turn out? Did he talk with OW? <P>I thought I'd bring this to the top to see if we could get some replies.<P>You can't really control how your husband tries to resolve things, by burying them. I know this can leave you feeling very very insecure. You are not paranoid. <P>Give us an update today, would you?<P>TNT

Sorry I didn't see your post yesterday, My computer is on the putz again, only works when it wants to so I go sometimes days without being able to do much of anything! I have to say I can relate very much to you. It is sooooo hard to learn how to trust again. It feels as though you are taking a gigantic leap of faith and no knowledge of where you may land. <BR>If he says he wants this marriage you have to take him at his word. At least he is being honest about being close to her where he's working, he could have lied about that or not said anything at all to you about it. Also, if you want this relationship to work you have to somehow find it within yourself to understand that no matter what you do, and believe me I tried to do other stuff! , life is going to go on and he will go the way he wishes to go with or without your approval. You can not control weather or not he ever sees her again, but you can make life so that it's so he IS SOOOO HAPPY he doesn't WANT to go anywhere's else. You know this is hard but truthful, he could leave tomorrow, no matter what you do, but he isn't. He is there, even if he doesn't believe in counselling to get over it, he is living with you together so he has made a commitment to the two of you. You have no other choice but to trust in him again, you can't live without it. On the other hand, don't trust too completely, too much, and too easily. Explain to him where you are with this in a non-love busting way and he should know that you need assurances right now that everything is ok. God Bless.<BR>by the by, maybe instead of starting with counselling you can get him to do a little reading, "After the Affair" was great at helping me with my issues with my Husband!<BR><P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!<P><BR>

TNT - Thanks for responding. I didn't contact H until early evening and he wasn't home yet. As it turned out he didn't have to work in her town yesterday (so he says). He had been drinking though, but wasn't drunk. I could just tell he'd had a few. I was very sweet and loving to him, and he seemed ok. I didn't ask him about OW since he doesn't want me to. Today he's working about 15-20 miles from her town, so if he did want contact her he could. I hope he keeps his promise to me and doesn't. The thing is, I'll never know. He hid it from me very very well before.

Chick's: Thanks for your post. You made me feel much better. Maybe I'm doing the right thing by keeping everything at home nice. What I'm having a hard time with though is that I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time because I am so afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing and make him mad. He has a very short fuse sometimes. I suspect he's out drinking again right now. He's not home yet, I beeped him about 3 hours ago. He didn't call me back again. He knows this upsets me. About an hour ago I called his cell phone and he answered. He sounded angry so I just asked him if he'd like me to wait to cook dinner. He just said "it'll be a while" and that he was still at his jobsite. He was in his truck driving somewhere I could hear it running. This could be true, and then again it might not. Its the never knowing if he's lying or telling the truth that kills me. <P>You mentioned that I should "Explain to him where you are with this in a non-love busting way and he should know that you need assurances right now that everything is ok". How do I do this in a non-lovebusting way since he told me that he didn't want me to bring OW up again. When he first wanted to come back I told him in a kind manner that what I needed to get over this was for him to reassure me real frequently that it wouldn't happen again. He's not doing this and I'm afraid to mention it. A little while ago I took a walk out into the pasture an cried my eyes out. I'm just so hurt by all this I just don't know if I'll ever get over it and if I can ever ever trust him. For a long time I didn't trust him anyway because I KNEW in my heart something was going on but I didn't have proof. I think I should mention also that he is what I would call an alcoholic. He won't admit it though. He's tried to cut back, but as of yesterday and today, isn't doing a very good job. This also really, really bothers me, but I do not mention it to him. What would you do? Thanks again for your input. God bless you too. <P>

First of all, stop beating yourself up for not having the strength and faith to trust him. He doesn't deserve your trust - he hasn't earned it. <P>No counselling, no AA, no Anger Management Counselling for his abuse, no parenting classes, no helping around the house - no nothing from him other than words. "Blowing smoke up your ...." doesn't cut it. <P>You'd be a fool to trust him. Don't. <P><BR>