I've read it. I don't think he'd read this, but it probably is best to delete it. I have everything I need so delete whatever. How do you delete stuff?

does he know about this forum?

For the posts that you write, there's a little box that says "edit".

...Lovely weather we're having, isn't it?

No, just the website. I wanted him to read the homepage where it says,"I Love you, but I'm not in love with you ..." And then I told him about the emotional needs worksheet. I don't do this computer chat thing so, I don't think he'd think I'm doing it now. But if he does look here he'll recognize my screen name and also all our identifying information. If I delete everything and change my name again, will you guys still remember my story?

If you tell enough of us your new screen name we can spread the word, and you can delete the info.

Or, you can change your name and it will change for all your posts, right? I think the ones you posted as "hopeful" are now your new name.

i would just change your name to something else and leave your posts. The others will need to read your posts in order to help you.

Please do not let your MIL's reaction discourage you, friend. It is not uncommon for mothers to act like this especially when they have been spun by their child. Are you ok??

Yes, I am okay. Thanks.

Okay, so today H is coming home and all the kids will be here. It will be a good day for starting Plan A. I hope I'm up for it. I just need to see that he has a little bit of hope for us, but from what I gather from this information, that isn't likely because he's still involved in the affair and the idea of breaking it off is too much to bear. God, give me strength.

Yes, it is certainly a wakeup call.

It was over four years ago I got a similar wakeup call. In the next five weeks following that wakeup call the true depth of my wife’s betrayal began to surface, a long list of multiple affairs. The glimmer of hope that I had initially felt seemed to vanish with each successive confession from my wife. I had to take a step back to really see if I wanted to remain married. It all felt so hopeless. It was in these pages that I was given hope. A poster named “Just Learning” answered my first post. He did it with compassion and understanding. He told me all was not lost. I could hardly believe his words. With that post I began to believe the unbelievable, that my marriage could be saved. And do you know something? IT WAS SAVED.

Could you be standing in that very same place that I stood so many years ago?

I think you are doing most everything right at this point. You are trying to save your marriage and your family. Invite him to do the same.

Remember this, "all is not lost".

Mr. G

Well, I hope I'll be standing where you are a few years from now (tomorrow would be even better). Exposure sure turns up the heat. I have told a few people now and a friend that I just told called him on his cell phone (he's on the way back from his mom's), but he wouldn't answer. he called me and said, "not cool to sic your friends on me". I told him I didn't. He wanted to know what I told her. So, I told him. I also told him I was sorry that he was upset, but I'm not hiding his secrets anymore. I told him that I loved him and wanted to save our marriage. he told me he wasn't going to talk to her because all she would do was yell at him. I told him I didn't think that was true, that she has been in a 20 year relationship and knows that nothing is easy or onesided. he was angry. he told me all he needed was space and time, but he didn't get that. I told him again that I was sorry he was upset and that when he got home we could talk about it. he's still not happy, but didn't have anything much to say.

If you can, I suggest you expose to all the friends and family you can think of asap, while he's still on the road, before he gets home. It will be hard to do so once he gets home. And you've seen what happens when he gets to spin things his way.

If it's too late and he's already home, never mind. You're gonna start bright and early tomorrow morning with everyone else, including work, right?

And are you ready when he's home to continue with the carrot part of Plan A? I'm pretty sure you are, but just a heads up that it may be a bit hard if he's angry over the exposure. What you said was perfect - you aren't doing it in anger, you love him but you won't keep his secrets any longer. Whatever you are doing, you are doing because you love him and you are fighting to save the marriage.

You done good, girl. The best yet. Stay focused, you are doing what you are doing in order to save your marriage and family.

Mr. G

Well plan A went fairly well for a few hours. He was pretty edgy from all the pressure, I believe but we had a nice evening with the kids. After they went to bed, we talked. He told me he was going to move out and "find himself" that he couldn't "work on us, until I work on me". I told him I didn't think it was a good idea to move out. I told him I didn't think I would ever get over being walked out on, given up on, having my family destroyed and being left alone to pick out the pieces. I asked him what he expected during this time -- that he could come and go as he pleased from my house, but he got to have a private life/apartment that I wasn't a part of. I asked him if he was going to have contact with the OW he said that was part of working things out. I told him my impression was that he was leaving to pursue this affair and have easy access to her. He denied it and had a bunch of blabbering about it. We took a break for awhile. We talked later and I just summarized my feelings which were that I loved him and wanted to work on our marriage and couldn't do that while he had a girlfriend. I told him my viewpoint was that the affair was ending our marriage, not the troubles we were having before it or even him wanted to move out. I told him each time he had contact with her it was disrespectful to me. I told him that if he wasn't ending his relationship for good, he would have to leave. I told him I was changing one way or another and I was going to make a nice life for our son and me and try to salvage whatever I could with the other 2 kids. I don't remember what he had to say, but it wasn't much more than blabbering and defending himself. We decided to talk about it the next day (today). When I woke up this morning, however, it was crystal clear to me that he should move out. He wasn't going to end the affair. My mind wasn't going to change and that was that. So, I went to work. He called a few hours later and asked how I was. I told him that I loved him and wanted to work on our marriage but was not going to do it with the other woman so it was time for him to move out. He said, "I thought we were going to talk about this today." I told him we could, but I wasn't changing my mind. I wasn't going to work on our marriage with another woman involved. I told him I would come home and we could tell the kids and we'd work through that together, but then I said we'd just talk about it when I got home. He called about an hour later and said the affair was done and he wasn't leaving. He tried to talk to the older kids and they both started crying and he realized he couldn't do that to them. I know he fully expected the 12 year old to be happy about it, but he wasn't. So, I took the rest of the day off, I didn't really know what kind of shape the kids were in and my H was crying and I just felt I needed to take care of things at home. So, that's were I am now.
I did finish the exposure at work. Coworkers/friends and supervisors. I did not tell the coworkers that I am not close with or thought would gossip about it. I've worked in the same place since I graduated from college and with basically the same people in my department. The 2 coworkers that I told are like mother figures to me and were very supportive. One of them must have said something to the OW today before my husband broke it off with her (and I know that I can not trust that is truly broken off). My husband asked me to ask that person to lay off the OW and if she wanted to blame someone,blame him. I just looked at him. We've already had the discussion that her feelings should not be a consideration to him and it just made him defend her so, I didn't think it was a good idea to bring it up again. He did say he knows he's not suppose to be defending her. I told her that I am not in control of the other person, I did not ask her to make any comments to the other woman, but just asked her for support. I am not sure I should ask her to stop. I don't want the drama, really, but I don't want to interfere with the exposure either. I also don't want to create a situation that would give the two of them cause to comfort each other. He is defensive of her, which is inappropriate, but somewhat understandable???? I'm rambling. Please provide input, comments. They've been really helpful so far. I guess I'm back to Plan A. My husband is less edgy then he's been in quite awhile. I will continue to snoop and expose (if I've missed anyone). I need to just be for a bit, though. I am exhausted.

did you report her to HUMAN RESOURCES or did you just tell your chums??

Carrot, do you understand that this will never work as long as they work together? Someone will have to leave or there will be no recovery.

Please come back here and talk to us, carrot. There are some issues that need to be handled NOW before it is too late.

I'm still hear. I'm listening. I reported it to my supervisor and she said she'd take care of it. I didn't go to Human Resources. I should keep going, shouldn't I? I am making supper and doing some family things for the next few hours, I'll check back later. Thanks

Yes you Should.

carrotstick, go straight to Human Resources and hand a letter to the DIRECTOR. If you make this official, they will have to REACT officially.

Please undrstand me that this will not work unless one of them quits. There is no other way. So if you inclined to allow them to work together just to keep him around, it will be a lost cause.

Here is a template written by BritsBrat, a board member who is a corporate attorney:

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
_________________________

If your husband is serious about ending his affair, will he end it by sending this letter?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX