MBers:

My original post with the basic info is Plan B on Nov. 9, looking for support

Prior to going into Plan B, while still in A, I asked my WH if we could postpone the D filing. The reason? After 5 years of working really long weeks, traveling all the time, and setting up my marriage for an affair by not being there 1/2 the time, our company, which I run (he owns 20% as a "silent partner" - but might be able to grab 50% in the divorce) was in the running for a $5.5M contract, to run 5 years. The first year's income - $1.3M in revenues - would be many times the revenues we'd ever seen in one year. The whole point of the past 5 years was to build the company to this point, so we could start reaping the benefits, put $$ toward retirement, build a future on the profits, have a bit more personal freedom - etc.

But if we won the contract, we'd need a business Line of Credit (LoC) for about 150-175K to handle the payroll for the first 3 cycles, until our invoices to the company hiring us started getting paid. Let me quickly add that this is a federal subcontract, guaranteed to reimburse my company for every dime expended even if the gov't up and cancels the thing. No risk to banks. BUT - in the current credit market, knowing what happens to women during divorce re: credit applications (that's well documented), I was very concerned that filing divorce prior to the contract award - and therefore prior to the application - would be the kiss of death to the request for credit.

WH - who knows very little about small business - was at the point where he was openly contemptuous and distrustful of everything I said. I explained the reasons and my concerns the first time, and he dismissed me. I asked a second time - and he was frankly skeptical, then later threatened to file if I didn't. My attorney made it clear that if he filed first I'd lose control of the process, and after a 2nd consult with Steve Harley, I capitulated and filed.

We won the contract. I applied for the LoC. And on Christmas Eve the bank called to say the LoC had been denied. Reason? Financial uncertainty re: personal assets/cash flow and business assets, due to the pending divorce. (Everything else - business plan, repayment plan, personal and corporate credit ratings - all great.) In the current credit market, that's all it took.

Credit denied.

Friday I called and notified the prime contractor that we had failed to obtain funding - and asked them to do whatever they had to do to make certain the new employees I'd just hired were covered.

Monday they called back to ask my permission to withdraw the contract award, which would enable them to transfer the work to another contractor - and the employees along with it. The contract starts Jan 1 - there was no time to work options - and my priority was to take care of the employees - so I said yes.

Now it's all gone. Because of WH and OW, I/we have lost $1.3M in revenues next year, more than $5.5M in 5 years. My company is on the brink of bankruptcy, since I made significant capital investments in infrastructure and business processes out of internal company funds to get ready for the subcontract. The company can't pay me a salary in Jan - maybe I'll get one in Feb - but if there isn't a big change by then, the company will be in Chap 11 - and I'll be following suit in a month or so.

In short, I've lost EVERYTHING - marriage, family, home, pets, future, company, livelihood. I'm living with a friend because I haven't got any $$ to do anything else; all my money is tied up in the house.

I'll spare you the rest.

I'm wavering on alot of fronts.

1) I'm wavering about sending him a letter via a intermediary - a "just the facts" kind of letter, no commentary - stepping him through the events of the past week. I want him to understand that whatever bargaining chip he thought he had as part owner (maybe half owner) of the company is gone. If he's got a brain (but oops, he's a wayward...) - he should understand without being told that I can sue him in this state, where the company is headquartered, for his part in all this - quite aside from the divorce in another state. (He probably won't realize that unless he's told, though.)

In short, I want him to be really scared. I want him to be really worried. And I want him to be as miserable in his affair and as aware of its costs as I can possibly help him to be.

- but - I have no clue as to whether the letter would have that effect. For all I know he's decided he hates my guts and would stand up and cheer - although, of course, he's shot himself in the foot - he's going to lose those revenues, too. Had we stayed together, we would have gotten the loan easy.

A friend of mine quipped that, at $5.5M, his adultery is one of the most expensive affairs she'd ever heard of outside of Hollywood or Washington, DC.

Even as a wayward, I think he might grasp that part - the part about how much money he's lost. If he does grasp that, then there's something else he might want to know:

The prime contractor could sue us, by all rights. But instead, they're actually offering to invite the company back in if we can get our financial act together. There's no way - no time - to do that unless we dropped the divorce. Should he know about that? Should I communicate that? Would it put pressure on the affair to realize he's literally giving up millions in revenues for OW? And that it's not too late to pull something out of the fire if he'd quit the damn A and come home, figuratively speaking? I'm really looking for a variety of opinions here - please jump in!

2) I'm wavering because I want to quit my marriage entirely. And then I don't. I want to declare complete, total, scorched earth adultery-based divorce-type war - change the filing, name him and his adultery partner, haul them both + OWexH and their adult children in and force them to testify. I'm totally devastated...all the trauma of the affair and subsequent events - and now this. Why bother fighting for my M? Hasn't too much happened?

Then I think - I don't want to do "scorched earth" thing because I'm afraid I'll regret it in 10 years - or in 2. I have to live with ME. I want the best deal I can get, don't get me wrong, and I'm willing to push to get it. But isn't there a limit as to how much we hurt other people who are already hurting (the OWH and kids)? And why do I still think I would work with him if he would do a REAL 180? but I do think so. Is there something wrong with me?

3) Then there's another part of me that wants to quit fighting for the company. I'm 51 1/2. I've put everything into it - my entire retirement savings, 100K, 5 years of my life and, according to WH, my marriage. (I buy that only in part; we had an agreement about the total time we'd keep going that way and he violated it secretly and devastatingly.) I'm tired spiritually, emotionally, physically. I could just shut it down, walk away, get a divorce, and try to find another job - one at 40 hrs/week, not 85-90, with a good retirement program...wherever I could, and doing whatever I could do. Free of all the b.s. Of course I'd be labeled a failure (it's a small community) and I'm not a quitter, so it rankles me...but I am REALLY tired.

4) And finally, I want to quit. Like, QUIT. Like, not wake up. Or grab my car keys and just vanish.

Not to worry - I'm not actively suicidal. Or crazy (well, maybe crazy). But I don't want to be here - and I feel so much despair. Happy New Year.

I know there's nothing you can do. But any thoughts would be appreciated. Hell, any responses would be appreciated.

And thank you.

- M

M: My heart goes out you! I'm not a business person by any sense, but it seems to me if your hubby would understand the situation (him getting some $$$ out of the business), he might want to drop the D=papers, at least for a while.

But remember, he's in the fog, and foggy people don't do things that are "normal."

I'm one of those who keeps on trying (gee, just look at my case after DDay#2, as in SECOND affair by my WW). Keep trying to get him on your side business wise until you have lost all opportunity. At least will have tried. If you don't try there is no hope of gaining the financing and contract.

I'm not one for e-mails or letters. Best is the face-to-face, that way there is no written or video record to come back and haunt you in court of law.

Just my opinion. Remember, I'm DDay + 6 days(!), so maybe I'm not in my right mind just yet

Hang in there!

So sorry you are going through this. It's exactly what happened to me with my business. I was just about to get it to profitabilty when all of this happened. I too have lost almost everything because of this A. We had to sell the house at a huge loss, I've had to make the business support me when it really can't (you know, it's a rob Chai to pay suppliers, rob suppliers to pay Chai kind of thing). I've really ended up farther in debt trying to stay afloat. Then atty fees are killing me.

Will explaining all of this to your WH help? Maybe. Maybe not. I couldn't explain it to mine. Whatever happens, they will turn it around and it will be 100% your fault. All they care about at the moment is being with OP.

I would give it a try though. Maybe you can get through. If not, well, at least you'll know.

And one more thing. Always take the high road. Conduct yourself with grace and dignity at all costs. You won't ever regret that.

Hi ChaiLover,

I'm new here, but have poked around for some time after I stumbled across MB through another site.

I just wanted you to know that I really feel for you with what's happening to your business. Like you, I am the mistress of my own domain, so to speak, having recently started a business venture of my own. I, too, am investing everything I have to my name to ensure its success, and I would be equally heartbroken to see it all fall to pieces.

You sound like a strong woman, and I'm betting that "this, too, shall pass." I'm rooting for you.

I am very sorry you find yourself in this position. I can't imagine your frustration, your pain over the A yes, but this is obviously a whole other ball game.

Truly I think possibly that the loan being denied may seem like a bad thing, but maybe a move of divine providence on your behalf. Yes the sting of the amount of finances you could have had is hard, but it is my understanding that no one should enter financial contract or agreements with someone they cannot trust. For obvious reasons you cannot trust your H.

You sound like a resourceful person, have you thought about finding venture capitalist as opposed to traditional financing? That might be an idea. But again, my worry is for you to be in any kind of agreement with your spouse at this time.





I think you made a noble choice to take care of your employees, you are a just employer and I know God will reward that.



You have indeed lost those things I will not deny that. But you sound like a go getter and a fighter and you must be an intelligent person as well to run this company so guess what IF and I am only saying IF you lose the company you can start again. And you can buy another house and more pets.

God obviously created you to be an entrepreneur so do it again. Once you know how to create wealth just 1 time, its just duplication from there one right?

Donald Trump went bankrupt and look at him now. This is not the end for you. I would rather see you in your own company hidden under a corporation where your H has no rights to it since you don't technically own a company because its hidden under the protection of the Corp.

And my dear you also have love from your friend and family which is priceless and you also have your health. Take care of your self right now in the health dept because you can start again in the business arena if you had to.





Protect yourself financially in what ever way you can. I know you want H to understand but I don't think he's gonna get it through his selfish fogged brain. He's in selfish mode and no matter what you say he's not gonna get it.





Hey I certainly can understand the wanting him to be miserable thing and I'm all for it! But do you really want your H to come back because he is scared financially or do you want him to come back because he is remorseful or repentant? If he comes back because of the wrong heart he will do it again.

Yeah you might have gotten the loan, but again you can't see ahead of you and maybe you were just saved from much worse.



Money can come and money can go but dignity is better in my book and it sounds like you have taken the high road.


Again, If he comes back for money he is not coming back for you. Is that what you want? If he comes back for that reason, its doomed in my book. I would think he would secretly continue the A because he's not coming back for his marriage hes coming back for money. Thats just my opinion and the Vets here may be better at addressing this than myself.



Its completely normal to waiver, I do! I think we all do go back and forth but no one, not even here at MB, can tell us when enough is enough. The only thing that has helped me is that I have read in numerous places that when a crisis hits, death or affair etc. that you should not make any life decisions for 1 year because of the range of emotions. You could very well make a bad decision based on emotions and not on wisdom. Only you will know when is when.

I live in California and i would love the opportunity to name my H and file suit, IF, I have to go that route but I cannot as we are not a fault state. But believe me if I was I would use it to my advantage. You H would do it to you in a second if the roles were reversed and really thats basic sowing and reaping, what you do comes back to you.


You my dear are NOT responsible for the OWH or her kids, that is bearing false responsibility. You are responsible for your family and should you lose your desire to fight for the marriage and have to go the divorce route, you must protect yourself.

Its not crazy to work with him again If he did a 180 and it was genuine and he abides by all your conditions then No your not crazy that's your H.

But take heed, you must push aside some emotions as you are a business woman. You must use wisdom at all costs. Be wise, seek counsel from business men or women. Don't make decisions based on emotions when it comes to business, if you do it will bite you in the end. Your H is watching out for himself and himself alone. He is not in a place to protect you or care for you so you had better do it for yourself. It may change one day, but its not that day yet. Be wise.




Man I know your tired cuz I'm stinking tired and all the ways you've mentioned.

I can see how you would want to dissolve the business. You are still young and can create wealth again. I promise you, you can do it. It takes just 1 time and then all it is is duplication. It might even be smart to so you can incorporate as a sole entity aside of your H but you really need to seek counsel from business men or business lawyers.

Girl if your a failure then so is Donald Trump. But he didn't let that stop him he lost it all and he gained it again. It does not matter what the community says that't not your worry. Prove them wrong and it was not your choices that caused this and maybe they need to know that.

I hear that you are tired. You need to do some self care. Take a bath, go for a walk, take a nap, watch a movie, do something-I know you said your money is tied up so I suggested things that don't cost anything.



I know as I have said the same darn thing myself and I've read in many books that it is normal to feel that way. Get some counseling if you need to.

I have chosen to do things to ward off depression naturally as I did not want to take the medication route. Just personal preference.

Exercise will greatly help you raise your endorphin levels to ward off depression. Pull yourself up and go for a vigorous walk several times a week.

Surround yourself with positive people.

Eat well and drink plenty of fluids.

And if your not already re-connect spiritually. If you haven't gone to church in a while maybe consider it.

Just my 2 cents....When all our lives are said and done, the things we thought we important we will find weren't so important and really our relationship with God was the highest priority.

Not sure if I helped at all, just know your thought of and supported.

{{{{HUGS}}}}

Thank you, DNU1 & Chai. I'm sorry that both of you are going through what you are going through. Will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Both of you suggested that I try to talk with WH about this. I'm in TX, he's in MO. I've got FF miles so can pop up there with little difficulty and little cost. I suppose I'd have my intermediary contact him and set up a meeting. It would probably need to be in this next week.

I would want to meet with him in as business-like a setting as possible - so could look into a local hotel (and try not to wonder if it was one of their rendevous spots!) and see if I could grab a conference room to just step through the issues. (Thinking out loud here)

I suppose the most basic question I have has to do with Plan B. I've had no direct contact with him at all since Nov. 9. This would mean breaking Plan B for long enough to have the meeting.

I'm pretty sure I can put my business face on to get through the meeting, but its sure going to cost me emotionally and bring up all the trauma again. Since he's had two more months with OW and I would be "intruding on his life" to have this discussion, I expect him to be at least as hostile, sarcastic and disrespecful as before - probably more.

Of course, I can set a limit on that cr*p as soon as it pops up - and I can tell him that we can either discuss this in a civil way or I will make all further decisions unilaterally. But I think I need help to sort out the costs/benefits of breaking Plan B vs. trying to communicate with a wayward about the damage he's doing to me and to himself financially.

Does breaking Plan B to do this further reduce any possibility of recovering the marriage? (I already know that it will set me back, personally.)

He'd really have to agree to call off the D for this to matter at all. That means messing with his plans for the OW.

2ndly, he'd have to agree to sign for a SBA 7(a) loan, and to personally guarantee his percentage of it. He had a fit when he found out I'd personally guaranteed a line of credit for 10K (?!) because he was worried about what would happen if I couldn't pay it. This is an LoC for 15x that much!

I think I'm talking myself out of this.

I'm wondering if I shouldn't just chalk up the business and financial devastation as more evidence of the damages wrought by his affair, pass all of it along to my attorney, and press my attorney to press WH's attorney to finish the d*mn D ASAP.

Then if I still have a company, I can re-apply for a LoC and see if I can get anywhere with whatever assets I still have (if any).

I probably won't still have a company. It may mean losing everything - but I've already lost everything.

At least it would keep me dark, which is where I'd rather be. I spoke with my stepson this afternoon and just knowing WH was the in the same room at the house left me in tears for 15 minutes after hanging up.

Still thinking...

Also, Chai, thanks for reminder about taking the high road. I do strive to live that way and have managed this mess that way so far, except for a couple of nasty moments when I lashed out. I have to live with myself in the end, and I believe we each have a responsibility to set an example for those around us. Part of Jewish tradition...we are solely responsible for our own behavior, and we are accountable to others for it.

So sorry for your situation. Unfortunately, I doubt that the "dollars and cents" talk will do any good. And you say he doesn't have a business sense. Guess what? My WS has a HUGE business sense (banker) and has always been anal about our credit rating.

During A (with is continuing), we are now -- for the first time ever -- deep in debt. Seems POSOW needed help with her business and WH was happy to comply with our credit cards, savings and line of credit. Add to that the vacations, fancy resturants, shopping sprees at Victoria's Secret, etc.

Spouse, kids, respect, morals, reputation, God, etc. and MONEY do not matter to WSs as long as there is OP in their lives. They all think they can "live on love."

Trying:

Thank you so much for your thoughtful post. I was beginning to think about _some_ of the same things (not as thoroughly as you) as I responded to DNU1 and Chai. That's why I posted - people like the three of you are so helpful. I have a bad habit of just chasing things around in my head.

I think I agree with you about just getting free and clear. And you may also be right about Divine Providence. If I had gotten the funding I'd be locked in a power struggle to try to get him the heck out of the company during the divorce proceedings - but then the company would be pulling in lots of revenues and he'd be holding on hard. Plus,the idea of that snarky*(&*)&@!! getting her hands on even 1 dollar of my hard-earned gains make me want to throw up. She's got everything else; I'll be d*mned if she's gonna get this, too.

I get your point about WH coming back for the wrong reasons, but I don't think I care why he comes back - however, I would care completely about what he does once he gets here. I guess I was just thinking about one of the case studies in SAA, where the WW came back precisely because of the money situation. I'm under the impression that whatever brings waywards back to the table is a good thing, but it's just a first step; real recovery entails alot more than just coming back to the table. But I could have misunderstood this. Maybe the vets will help us out here. Calling Melody/Mark/Pep et. al!!!!

Maybe this is just one more lesson in letting go - giving up control to G-d and trusting. I've been working 12 steps since Sept - first in MO and then in TX - did it many years ago and find it tremendously helpful. I certainly need the lessons, no question. Entrepeneurs (and psychologists, and engineers, and Ph.D.s, and Adult Children - and I'm all five!!) are not exactly "laid back" kinds of people. Finding that centered place and learning to breathe deeply within it is a big part of my own recovery plan from all of this agony - and that's about me getting better for me (and those I love and who love me).

I also take your point about not taking responsibility for OWexH and their kids. You're right. I'm focused on protecting my (step)kids and have been since the whole thing surfaced. I've done alot better that than WH and OW, who did alot of damage and are still doing it. They matter to me more than just about anything else.

I'm feeling a little better.

-M

Thank you. I think you're probably right.

This is helping me. Alot.

I don't think I would fly to see him. He is probably still very foggy.

But I would send him a letter about what has transpired. Of course, he will STILL blame it all on you, but later he may think about things.

It is too bad you lost the government contract. I work for the government in contracting, and some people do very well.

One of our contractors is a woman from Argentina who married an American and came here 8 years ago and started her own construction company. She is now a millionaire several times over. She says the hardest part was learning English.

Believer -

Thanks for your input. I've been on the contractor side - as an independent consultant, a small biz owner (2X), a prime contractor biz development person, a prime contractor sr. tech manager, a univ. professor - for more than 20 years. This time around it's only taken 5 years to get to a first tier subcontractor slot with a really big gov't prime. My WH works for another really big gov't prime so he knows the score to some extent.

Re: your construction contractor - our work is less "tangible" - consulting in strategic planning, strategic communications, org development & training on the biz side and in specialized engineering, technology assessment, and advanced systems design on the other side of the company. None are as lucrative as construction has been - we've basically just made a go of it until this year, when we finally "converted" the company. I'm glad she's done so well!

Your suggestion is in the middle between letting it go and going to see him. I've pretty much ruled out the face-to-face because I just don't want the hassle and suspect that my physical presence is just going to provoke him (if not, his fogged-out presence is just going to upset me.) I'll think about the letter. Writing a letter to him was my first instinct and I've already drafted one that goes as far as a "just the facts" step-by-step of what's happened and why, with no commentary. I didn't get to the "here's what I'd like to propose" part yet.

Maybe I should talk with my divorce lawyer before doing anything? He'll be back in the office on Monday. Nothing's going to happen business-wise between now and then - no reason to act - and it looks like the prime is going to give me some time to think about all this anyway - they're not in a hurry since the contract has already been transferred; they're OK with the gov't.

The only thing I really have to do between now and Monday is decide whether to come on to the contract as a (grossly underpaid) consultant - they're offering $50.00/hr less than my usual gov't consulting rate, but then again I'd be contracting as a sub to another sub and I understand the pricing issue. The good thing about the offer is that it would be a reliable 20 hrs/wk which would give me time to work the other issues plus do other consulting - in other words, it might keep me going personally and buy some time. I won't have health insurance, but between now and the finalization of the divorce my WH has to keep me on his, anyway.

I'm digressing ("babbling" is a better word). I'm going to go back again and look at my draft so far.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

- M

Gosh, I don't know what to advise you. So much of it is a matter of luck - at least where I work.

It is supposed to be so open, but a lot of it depends on who you know. Sad to say that.

Believer -

Not to worry - this is the wrong forum to be looking for biz advice Not that I know it all - I learn new stuff daily - but I get paid to give acquisition/contract pursuit consultation to other gov't contractors - and my hit rate is pretty good.

What I really needed is what you gave - the input about the letter and being fogged out in person. I'm still thinking about that.

- M

You're right. Sounds like you know what you are doing.

I'm not a good one to talk to about the whole contracting thing because I turned my boss in for an ethics violation and now he is working on getting rid of me after a 30 year career.

But I would send the letter. And I'm amazed that your husband doesn't appreciate your acquistion gifts. What a dummy.

He used to appreciate them. He loaned money to start the company - so he did more than appreciate them; he put his money where his mouth was.

But then ... too much travel during which I absolutely did neglect him (but he also looked for excuses not to support me when I was out of town) - then him falling off the wagon, then OW...you get the picture.

Good on ya' for turning your boss in for ethics violations. There are whistle blower laws - any help from that quarter, for you? Hang in there.

- M

Yeah, I know about the whistleblower laws. But turns out that one must get an attorney. And I found an expert, who will only charge me $57,000 to get whistleblower protection.

But anyway, no loss to me because I CAN retire, just having trouble letting it all go. I always thought that doing the right thing paid off in the end.

But enough T/J'ing.

If your hubby believed in you before, there is still lots of hope. I would write him a very nice letter, and let him know how disappointed you are because you came soooooooo close. But don't blame him or the divorce.

You might want to post it here first for vetting.

I agree with B. Writing a letter would be best. It sounds as though a F2F would be too tough on you. I worked with Jennifer early on, and she said for any necessary communications in Plan B, just state your case, be business-like and brief.

I guess my question to you is this. You have only been M to this man for 6 years and you have step children, so are you his second M? I guess I'm wondering about his past. Does he have a history of cheating? If you are the 3rd spouse or even the 4th, it sure looks like he doesn't value the marital relationship much. In that case I would ask if you really want him back.

Just thinking out loud....

Hi, Chai -

It'll be 7 years in March, and we were together for 2 1/2 years before that. His kids were 12, 13, 15 & 16 when I took them on; they're 21, 22, 24 and 25 now.

Yes, I'm the second wife, and he's my second husband. He waited 18 years since his divorce, and I waited 8 since mine. Your question about his past is dead on, however - yes, he left his first wife, and then had an affair before finally divorcing her. The affair lasted about a year.

In both cases, then and now, he was using when he had the affair. He was hospitalized as an inpatient for alcohol addiction in the early nineties when it finally overtook all aspects of his life. In our case, he was attentive and supportive until last year, when he began to slip off the wagon. (Also, I was traveling 2/3 of the time, which put a hell of a strain on the relationship. And I put us on "autopilot". I've got things to learn, too.)

I was raised in an alcoholic home and had told him from the beginning of our relationship that if he relapsed, I would stand by him, but ONLY if he chose to get help and work on it. When he began to relapse, I asked him to go to treatment (2 or 3 times over several months). He was afraid he would lose his job. I think the fear was real; he does really really top secret work - but it was also an excuse, as he could have found another job. Instead, he entered into the affair as a distraction, - started PA and then became EA, rather than the other way around - rather than make the tough choices he needed to make to address the real problems, both re: his addiction, and our marriage.

My conditions for letting him back into my life are (a) the usual "terminate all contact with OP for life" - and in his case, because they work in the same company, he'd have to quit his job - at least at that location, maybe not the company (it's a global company) and probably move out the of state to reassure me, plus do the whole "verifiably transparent" thing - and then (b) commit to long term alcohol recovery work. Like, for life. And I gotta have both, not just termination of the affair and NC with OP. Not enough in his case.

For him, that's setting the bar really high - so if he were willing to meet those requirements, I'd be persuaded enough to START discussions about recovery...then maybe to move into work on recovery...but it would be one step at a time, and I'd have to see some pretty drastic action up front. I think the odds of that are surpassingly low. On the other hand, I was a therapist for 12 years, and much as I tried I could never quite get that darn crystal ball to work properly. So I don't want to close the door entirely..."There are always possibilities", Spock once said. <Need an icon with pointed ears>

However, in the meantime I have been completely dark, and I want to stay there for as long as it takes for me to resolve my feelings and move on. That's one of the reasons why this situation is really difficult for me.

And I don't mind you asking or thinking out loud about this or anything. I think that's why we're all here.

- M

Believer -

Sorry about the attorney. I'm a fan of Boston Legal - "Alan" wasn't kidding when he described attorneys as basically nasty people doing all kinds of nasty things.

As for letting go - hmm - more of the same theme as is often found here (on these boards) - just a different venue, yes? Still, I can imagine it is very hard to contemplate.



Re: letter - I think I can avoid "blaming" the divorce - and can certainly avoid mentioning or blaming him - but the failure to obtain credit WAS because of the uncertainty re; my financials and the corporate structure coming out of the divorce proceedings. I can say that in a very matter of fact way but I'm not sure I can or should avoid mentioning it. He's probably going to see that as a shot no matter how neutral I am. On the other hand, I warned him specifically that this could happen, in precisely the way it did, so if he recalls that (I won't mention it) this shouldn't be a complete surprise. A shock, yes. Surprise, no.

What are your thoughts about the fact that this is breaking Plan B? Am I giving him a mixed message - a PBL that says "NC in either direction except through intermediaries" - and now I'm contacting him directly?

My conditions for resuming contact of any type were (a) he terminate the relationship (with all the usual stringent conditions - in his case he'd have to quit his job and move, although I've never discussed that) and (b) he go into long-term alcohol recovery work, whether he's drinking or not.

I don't want to open the door to exceptions - but now I'm violating the rule myself. If I don't want a response except under the rules I set up (and I don't) - but I do want to take the opportunity to remind him that the door is open to return (which I do) - could I say something in closing like -

"In the letter I wrote as I left, I said that I didn't want any contact between us unless certain conditions were met. Thank you for respecting those boundaries. I do not want to give a mixed message; my need to limit contact will not change as long as your affair continues.

However. I made this exception because the loss of a contract worth $5.5M is a major event in both our lives. You were a part of the company and deserve to understand what happened. I believe that you wanted [company name] to succeed. I understand and share your regret if its failure has disappointed you, as it has me.

In closing - I still hope that we will rebuild our marriage some day. I want to live with, love and support you in person, rather than from afar, as we tried to for too much of our relationship. I continue to read, and to talk with and learn from couples who have recovered their marriages from much worse circumstances than ours - even when one or both partners have fallen in love with someone else in the throes of an affair.

I believe that the very best thing that could happen to us is to fall in love with and be the happiest we can be with the person we each chose to marry. That way, we need never be separated again when dealing with disappointment - or when celebrating joy."

The last two paragraphs are basically a restatement and slight expansion of a paragraph in the PBL. Given Chai's comment about Jennifer's advice to be short, simple and businesslike, I'm not sure that they should be included here.

Tell ya' what. It's probably not a good idea to critique the thing until it's a whole, rather than parts. I'll work on the letter and post it as you suggest...and hopefully you and Chai and several other folks will take a shot it - as well as continue the debate I'm having with myself as to whether it is worthwhile to break Plan B to do this.

Thanks again for your help.

And Happy New Year!

- M