Do not send a letter yourself. Since your lawyer advised you to cave to his insistence of the divorce, your lawyer can craft a termination of business letter, complete with the rejection letter, the potential for lawsuits and write it scary enough to know he's exposed right down to his short ones!

At the same time, Miriam - think about this.

Your business venture may be done. You may have put everything into this that you thought you had. Can I share with you a true reality?

Money can be created for anything. It's the easiest part. The creativity, the spark that created the company wasn't money. It's not government contracts now. It's you.

You need to completely separate your venture from your husband and the gift in this rejection from the lender allows you to end this company, end the marriage, separate from this malicious man in all ways, then get financial backing from a customer or a source who knows the company was you all along. So start a new venture. Clean and clear of his malicious meddling.

Know who you are in this moment and refuse to cave into the sorrow of the loss. This company loss will be the easiest loss for you to recover from in the long run. Companies can be created from nothing but that magic dust that you have within you! And your husband can't stop it.

Living well is the best revenge!

If I were you, I would go along the lines you are already thinking by having my attorney write him a letter, stating in plain, bald facts--completely emotionless (attorneys are good at that!)--that due to the pending divorce, you have lost this contract and are facing imminent bankruptcy. He might decide he's in a big toot to get the divorce through, rather than be caught in your financial troubles. Once you're shed of him, build your business back up again and he won't be able to benefit one iota from your success. And bad cess to him, too.

tl

KA:

Thanks for the support. I need to go play on the Plan B/KA thread...

What I'm getting from all this is that the choice about what to do should be guided entirely by what the _goal_ of the communication is. In engineering, we talk about "functional requirements" - what you want the thing to _do_ has to be understood before you can go about designing the thing and tthen building it.

"form follows function" - in biology.

All the same thing.

My letter, or a F2F meeting, or the lawyer's communication - seems to me that I have to decide what I'm after.

Here's what I know:

1) I am still committed to my M.
2) I am completely, totally unwilling to deal with an alcoholic and/or wayward H who remains in denial.
3) In fact, I'm totally unwilling to deal with a WH who is anything other than working toward recovery of the M.
- a quick note here - the H I knew was a loving, supportive, emotionally sensitive, smart human being. He had anger issues (all alcholics do) but never directed them at me. (That's OK - I tend to be overly analytical and a workaholic. We've all got issues.) He was a partner in the truest sense for several years...it all went bad when he started drinking again. I'm clear on the difference between my H, and the WH or AAH (actively addicted husband). My H and WH/AAH are two different people. I want the former and will not tolerate the latter. And I'm not deluded - the former may be gone forever from my life. Got it.
4) Re: the business - I am beginning to see the gift - as you put it - from the lender; it pushes me/enables me to make a decision about the company that could free me of his involvement. No matter what - even if he pulled everything together and came back - I don't want him in my business. So shutting the business down - got plenty of reason to now - has an obvious appeal.

BUT. Doing that also has a downside; there's a brand value that's been built up; there's a presence, a logo, publications, etc. - all of which contain "value" if you will, that's intangible but important. (On the other hand, the company uses my last name - which is not my husband's - so another permutation could probably be put together pretty easily.)

Still, seems to me that IF - and it's big IF - the current circusmtances can be used strategically by my attorney to convince my husband to get out without shutting down the company, that would be the best outcome.

What this discussion has done is re-vector me toward taking the day off tomorrow (what a concept!!), cleaning house, finishing off the champagne I opened tonight and resting my brain; then getting with the attorney early next week after I've cleared my mind and relaxed some.

KA, your voice is helpful tonight to remind me of the fact that the company truly is MINE - about me, created by me, reflects me - and I'll take that with me, no matter what I do - another company, or go to work for someone else, or go back to teaching. Whatever.

Ain't none of it about him.

Thank you.

Mirium,

First off, you are better staying dark. I can tell that contact would probably hurt you right now. Even though you want to recover your M, under the circumstances it is probably better to get your WH out of the business. His history shows that he just can't be trusted enough to manage it, and it sounds like he adds little or no value to it anyway. If you can get him out totally, you can step in, rebrand, recampaign, and come back even stronger because only YOU are in control. In a sense, it will be under "new" management.

In my case, my business is limping along. I'm managing to keep it going, how I don't know. Just plain old determination. Anyway, my WH wants nothing to do with it because he's convinced that it's going to fold. He's now even stating that he never wanted me to start it, blah, blah, blah in an attempt to rid himself of any responsibility. That's OK. Now, if the business were making lots of money, he would be claiming it was all his idea. After the D, I'll get more motivated to implement more of my ideas. I'm just not motivated to do it now. KWIM?

Your WH will probably want to rid himself of this boat anchor anyway (that is, if he THINKS it is a boat anchor). I think you can turn it around and really make a go of it, so I think you should give him this rare opportunity to rid himself of this horrible business now.

Mirium,

First off, I see you are in Texas. Are you by chance in Houston or anywhere near Houston? I have a killer divorce attorney in this area who will fight tooth and nail for you. Charlotte (aka Dancing Machine) is using him now, I used him for my D 4 years ago. In my case, there were several, non-financial issues that were highly technical and he just skated his way through them. For example, my XH left to return to his family of origin, which required us using an international treaty and asking the US State Department to petition the Crown to allow us to serve him with divorce papers. He knew how to do all of this! If you would like his name and number, post here and I will post my e-mail address for you to contact me.

Now, with regard to the financial situation. I am by no means a financial whiz kid and do not practice business law. BUT, that being said, I would get with whatever attorney - either your divorce attorney or your business attorney - and begin pursuing your XH, as a partner in the business, for breach of fiduciary duty to the business, resulting in revenues of $1.3 Million. A letter to this effect to your WH from an attorney may just scare the living jeebers out of him and kill the A. Either way, you owe it to yourself and your business to pursue him for this. Keep in mind a legal judgment cannot be dismissed in Bankruptcy, so if you have to take it to court and win, he loses out because it will follow him for the rest of his life and you will have first dibs on all his money - won't that burst OW's bubble?

Chai -

Hang in there on the business. I know what it's like to hold on by your fingernails - all business owners do. But it sounds like you've held on through incredible stresses. How close to youI hope you can get your idiot WH out pronto.

Chai, DNU1, KA, Believer, thndrnltng - all:

Woke up this morning terribly depressed. I haven't slept much more than 4 hrs/night since Christmas - so this was due to happen. I have a long history of cylical depression - and am one of the lucky ones, in that meds handle the issue - except for times of great stress. This is obviously one.

If I'm not sleeping again tonight I'll be hitting the doc up tomorrow...know from 30 years experience that regulating sleep is the key to regulating everything else for me. Will try to exercise too if I can get myself to the gym since that helps.

Even though depressed, brain is still working (too bad, really)- although pretty scattered, so I apologize if this is choppy. I want to thank you all for your inputs and thoughts - and ask you to check in for the next few days if you have the time and are willing to. I think I will be OK once I talk to attorney next week and finalize the plan.

Spent part of yesterday talking to banks. There are options to recover things - a SBA loan is the most likely - but every one of them involves WH. I agree with everyone. I cannot continue to have him in my business/professional life. Totally untrustworthy. Bad decision-making.

And hurtful.

Have to get him out before I can go forward even if it means shutting down the business. Can't wait for divorce resolution because I'll be personally bankrupt by then. Truth is he's never had to deal with the business side of things. I'm going to make him responsible for working his share of the whole meltdown - and then offer him a way out. I'll take the loss.


So, am going with the following -

1) Will talk with attorney on Monday or Tues - at his earliest available slot. Will ask him to write a letter per thndrnltng's and KA's suggestions. Short, to the point, emotionless - advising WH of what happened and why. Point him to the attached letter from me (see #3, below). Tell WH that his choices are (a) he can either stay in - and become involved in all negotations, accept all legal responsibility and liability, including costs (I've shielded him from all that for the life of the company in return for being a "silent" partner) - and he will have to hire his own lawyer here in TX since I won't help - or (b) accept a buyout of his shares for what he paid (400.00) and sign papers transferring all other interest in the company to me.

Will ask attorney to explain that this is happening NOW and can't wait for the divorce because the company (and I) will be in bankruptcy by then - and give him a deadline to act.

Finish off by saying that if he refuses, I'll file suit against him in the State of Texas for gross fiscal mismangement and corporate malfeasance (the former is obvious, re: the latter - well, he's an owner and a Board Member and he used his company cell phone to text OW thousands of times and conduct his affair; I have the phone records in detail.)

2) Include a brief statement about personal consequences: (a) I've lost all benefits as they have been covered by the contract;
(b) I've lost $XXX in salary; (c) Accounts receivable to company over next 90 days will have to go largely to creditors; remainder to me; will be facing personal bankruptcy by March.

Finally, tell him that we will be seeking to settle the divorce ASAP or he'll be involved in my personal financial meltdown as well.



3) Under Texas law, I also have to write him a letter, which I'm going to ask the attorney to attach to his. It will have the following:

- Brief statement of circumstances
- Account balance, accounts receivable, and accounts payable
as of Dec. 31.;
- Copies of all signed contracts/invoices for contract ramp up,
including benefits packages;
- Copy of PO (now invalidated) from Prime, covering hiring
costs;
- Copy of benefits negotiated, along with fees, and what company
is still responsible for now;
- List of all creditors, including names/phone numbers and
amounts;
- Letter from Prime;
- Copy of contract w/Prime where I signed an agreement giving
them permission to sue if we failed to perform;
- Letter from Bank;
- Plan for discharging debt, if creditors will agree
- Description of process for filing Chapter 11 if they do not
agree

Request that he notify my attorney ASAP as to his decision about continuing involvement.

Signature



The idea is basically a "shock and awe" barrage (appropriate, since he deployed for Iraqi Freedom as a volunteer/senior officer who chose to go back to help. Pre-falling-off-the-wagon-and-hooking-up-with-POSOW, used to be a good guy.)

What do you think?

- M

What do I think? "WH, Happy New Year to YOU. Welcome to 2009!!" :twobyfour:

tl

BB:

Thanks for coming by and giving input.

See the response I just posted.

Re: TX - yes, am in Clear Lake area. (Now you know the "gov't agency" I've been involved with for 20 years. ) However - residence is in MO, where I was living with him for past 3 years. So D is filed in MO. Equitable division state, with allowances for adultery, but not much. Filed a "no fault" divorce to try to get a negotiated settlment fast/less expensively, but was always willing to change it and go after him in court if I had to - and he knows that.

So, D attorney is in MO. Had to file there because MO allows one person to drive the whole divorce without permission from the other, and he was gonna file if I didn't...so couldn't move back to TX and establish residency long enough to file here. (Would have loved to. Texans DON'T take kindly to adultery!!)

MO attorney is a sharp guy. Impatient with me that I took so long to get tough; somewhat amused now and more than willing to go for the gusto.

Truth is, he's going to LOVE this turn of events.


Would like to meet Shiny after reading all of Charlotte's posts. Do you think he'd take a consult, even though I'm not seeking help from him as a divorce attorney? Might be good to get his perspective.

I think the best course is to get WH out of the company, which allows me to rebuild. If I file on him here, I'm still locked in lawsuits with him for years - plus it makes it harder for me to start over free and clear. However, if he refuses, I then completely agree that I should go after him here (TX) on business basis. Nothing to lose at that point. While the revenues for 09 were $1.3M, the total contract value (5 years) was $5.5M, with informal pledges from the Prime to try increase that - plus there were two 1 year options after.

All in all I'm probably looking at a loss of $10M in revenues - but right now can only "prove" $5.5M.

That's OK. He doesn't have even 1/10 of that available.


In case I haven't said it - I LOVE you guys!!!

Yep, BB is DEAD ON, miriam. He is the man you want in your corner--he is a fierce warrior for the wronged!! He knows ALL when it comes to family law and if he doesn't know something he makes it his business to find out! Please consider him if you are in the area. You will NEVER regret it!

I am so sorry you are in this situation. I get a headache just reading about it...I can only imagine how it must be on your end!

Charlotte

Charlotte/BB:

Charlotte - thanks. I'm so glad you've got Shiny - your descriptions have been inspiring - and hilarious.

BB - I'm going to spend the next few days putting together the business side of the J-DAM-equipped "bomb" package ( Joint Direct Attack Munition - it'll take a while to get letters from the bank, the Prime, etc, and for me to pull together copies of all the contracts, forms, etc.) - but once that's done I'd like to do a consult with Shiny. Maybe he can help my guy in MO.

You can email his contact info to me at:

emeldi_again@yahoo.com

It's a "nom de plume" hotmail address, so don't mind giving it out here. Let me know in the email if you want "real" contact info to send along to him as a heads up on the referral and I'll forward it to you.


Thanks,

- M

BB:

Still thinking about your comment re: breach of fiduciary duty. I'm going to back off on my statement that I won't pursue that unless he refuses to get out. I think I should talk to my guy in MO and then to Shiny and get smarter before decision. But in the meantime I'll still put the package together.

- M

Hey girl, you have mail!

Thanks!

My attorney checked in after I sent him strategy/letter - didn't need to, it's the 1st and there's nothing that can't wait until Monday - but still felt nice that he did it. We're going to try to tag up tomorrow - meanwhile I've got to start pulling alot of documentation together.

Thanks again BB, and to everyone who has been helping.

:happynewyear:

- M

Hi miriam,


Yes, he would. Whenever help is needed he will do whatever he can to help.



You're welcome! Me too! And, awwwwwww.....thank you! Yeah, I really need to get started on that novel!!

Charlotte

OK - so, I must say - I LOVE MY LAWYER.

Short version of events of today:

1) I scrubbed letter from me as CEO to WH as Board Member/shareholder. Although strictly speaking the letter is a broach of Plan B, by law I (me = Prez/CEO) have to write him of massive change in corporate finances. Gave him "just the facts" re: company meltdown due to no credit due to divorce and referred to Prez/CEO (myself) in the third person.

2) Talked to lawyer about strategy (Hmmmm...Dancin' Machine - I need help naming my guy. "Shiny" is already taken!)

3) He gets it, totally, and cuts to the heart of the matter. Tells me that >30 days after I filed, he (A) still hasn't gotten WH's financials - got a 2 sentence letter from WH's lawyer asking if I would consider settling "in one fell swoop". Tongue in cheek I suggested a one-word response letter - No.


This "one fell swoop" thing is what WH tried while we were still living together, and the absurd terms of his "swoop offer" (plus his hostile, contemptuous attitude) are what sent me to the lawyer in the first place!!

-- In other words (from WH's point of view)... "don't make me disclose, don't make me work, don't make me reveal stuff I don't want to reveal, don't make me struggle, don't make me play by the rules, let me destroy our marriage then demand a divorce THEN dictate how the divorce occurs, allow me to dodge any accountability for my behavior, let me continue to walk all over you, give me my free pass to throw you & marriage away to be with POSOW..." In other words, "ENABLE ME!!!"

I have another one word answer. Bullpuppies.

(4) Lawyer drafts two letters. Letter A says - (a) See Miriam's letter to WH (written from CEO to Board Member) - dissolution of marriage action resulted in no credit, resulted in cancellation of multi $M contract, now resulting in potential to be sued by Really Big Company and One Other Company for breach of contract; (b) BS's company's in complete financial meltdown and can't get out without really big loan for which WH will have to personally guarantee his share; (c) if WH doesn't want to guarantee his share of loan then he must give up all financial and marital interest in company [and here's how to do that] because BS can't get loan unless he either signs or gets out; (d) if he doesn't agree to sign loan or give up company by 1 week from today, A will refer matter to BS's corporate counsel who will file suit against him for "breach of fiduciary duty as Board Member."

:twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

Letter B says - (a) We got response from WH re: filing but no financials attached (b) checked w/court today and still no financials (c) WH MUST file financials by law and is already past deadline (d) if WH doesn't file financials by 1 week from today I (A) will file sanctions on his butt.

:twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour: :twobyfour:

Can you say - WAKE UP CALL!!!!

This is the FIRST time he's had to deal with the really hard realities of the mess he's made of his life and mine...and I am finally not the only one who will be struggling with enormous stress and financial loss due to his behavior.

THANK YOU to everyone who has helped...if you look back at my first post a couple of days ago and then now...I really really really appreciate the support!! I'll post as events occur (and when I really crash and need help) - and will go help some others, too!



Oh - and B/B and Charlotte - got Shiny's info, thanks B/B. Am going to wait to call until I see how WH responds. Won't call if he makes rational choice but will call if he doesn't. Thanks again.

- M

That is GREAT news. Wake-ups are always good for the WS.

Thanks, Believer.

I suppose I should _hope_ it's a wake up call. He may just see it as a declaration of war, or a revenge tactic, when it's not either. I won't deny that a part of me is glad in a slightly evil way that he is finally going to have to experience some of the consequences of the financial devastation I'm facing - but the reality here is that I'm doing what I have to do to save the company and my livelihood. My back is completely against the wall. I just want him out so I can try to save the company and not deal with him in the process - and there's no question of me buying him out (even if I was willing to) - the company's value at this second is quite literally less than zero.

The real shame is, it didn't have to be this way. Even with the adultery, the divorce, the trauma - if he had simply agreed to postpone divorce filing until after we had gotten credit - as I asked - then we wouldn't be in this position at all.

Come to think of it, there are probably dozens of decision points where a different decision from him (going to back to all the little decisions one makes while sliding into an affair) would have yielded a much better outcome.

So I guess this really is a case of "reaping what you sow".

Thanks again for your input and support. I'm pretty certain the rollercoaster ride d'jour isn't over yet...

- M

Hmmmmm...let me mull that one over for a while and get back to you on that...



WOO-HOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROCKIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!




Cool! Yeah, I sent him an email about you. I don't know if he's read it yet, though. I haven't heard a peep so I'm guessing not yet. I know he's busier than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs, though, since he actually had some much needed time off over the holidays!! Finally!! LOL!

Charlotte

Miriam,

I've been keeping up with your thread, but I haven't had anything to add (I don't know anything about all of this) so I haven't posted. HOWEVER, I had to once I saw your update. Congratulations!!!!

I hope that lights a fire under WH's [censored]!

Back in the pits.

Not because of anything WH has done or not done - not in the immediate sense. ALL of it is because of his A, in the non-immediate sense.

I talked with my SIL for 1 1/2 hours yesterday (she's great and his whole fam - SIL, BIL, MIL, FIL) have all been very supportive.) She's a business owner and has been following the saga closely. She read the letters from me and attorney and suggested pretty strongly that WH is going to be overwhelmed and very upset because he doesn't speak this language and won't understand. We parsed all the ins and outs for about 45 minutes but the question that got me really thinking about it was when she asked what the real goal was of my letter + attorney's letter. The real answer was to push him to make the best decision possible for everyone - him and me - to get out. She felt that an overwhelmed and very emotional WH is likely to be very unpredictable.

After talking with her I changed course and sat down and wrote him what amounted to a tutorial on the situation and on his choices. It was factual and civil - no "commentary". I urged him to get an independent, unbiased viewpoint on all of it so he didn't have to take it from me. Then I had my office administrator send it to him this morning.

Today I went into work and the bottom fell out.

The loan that I thought we could get in a last ditch effort to pull the company out of the fire? Turns out they changed their terms - pretty radically - for 2009. The rep I was talking to last week is "gone" (as in really gone) this week. The new terms were emailed to me late today.

There is NO way.

So, I emailed my attorney tonight and told him that his/my letter to WH is now OBE (overtaken by events) and that I was probably going to have to shut down the company. I've been crying since 4:45 (it's now 8:00) and cried all the way through the email. I then sent it to him, then forwarded it (along with the attachment detailing the new loan terms) to my office administrator and called her at home, asking her to forward the whole package to WH.

She did.

The email to attorney was pretty calm with the exception of one paragraph where I talked about losing everything I cared about, and losing my retirement, but that the real reason I had done all this didn't exist any more (the marriage) - and all of this was no reason to hold onto the company (out of some sentimental or fantasy motivation) when it was just going to go into more red ink. I went on to say that it was in everyone's best interest (mine and WH's along with vendors, etc.) to try to see if I can manage an orderly shut down (e.g, avoid bankruptcy and related costs).

About 1/2 hour ago I started second guessed myself on having forwarded all of it to my WH and started to beat myself up. I know when he gets to that part he'll roll his eyes. He'll figure I was guilting him. He'll see it as another indicator of my emotional instability. He'll use it to justify his decision to have an affair. He'll feel vindicated that he ditched me and got rid of the albatross around his neck that was this failing company. (Except of course, it was on the brink of wild success; torpedoed by the divorce.)

It is absolutely true that I should not have forwarded the emotional part...or even the whole email...and I hate it that he'll see how upset I am.

But then I started to think - you know what? It doesn't really matter anymore, dammit. (I know, this is NOT the MB way...) With the loss of the business, that is the last real link to WH and to our marriage. That's why I'm so upset - in addition to the 5 years of my life I put into the biz, it's the 9 years in the relationship, the almost 7 years of the marriage. I know that doesn't sound like much to folks who have been married for 20+ years, but this one was IT for me.

It's appropriate to grieve. It's appropriate to be in pain. And damn it, it's appropriate that he know it. I didn't wallow in it and I didn't rail at him as a cause or a reason - I just reiterated that the divorce was the reason the original credit app failed and now the whole mess has a life of its own. That was the only time the D was mentioned. There was no mention of overlaps or relationships between the business issues and terms of the D. Most of the email was just focused on what steps to take re: the business now that it is clearly out of control and beyond saving. My only mention of WH was just to say that there was no point in him continuing to beat his head against this either, so I was going to get notice to him that it was over.

And in the letter I sent him last night - the tutorial - I expressed awareness that all of this was a loss for him, too - that he had genuinely wanted this to succeed at one time. Believer had suggested that to me, way back...and when SIL suggested it independently, I went for it. Two lines. A simple reminder of shared experience. and it's the loss of all that shared experience that I'm grieving RIGHT NOW.

In my comment to WH at the top of the email that she forwarded tonight, I told him that any further contact about the business would come from one attorney or another and that he would be given time to respond...and if he had a time-critical business issue he could forward back to my OA and she'd get it to me and I'd take a look. I didn't promise to respond and in fact I would forward it to my attorney. I'm back to black. This hurts so much...I can't imagine trying to talk with him about it.

And I think I'm done. I think that's what all the tears are about. I think the end of the business is the end of the marriage all over again. The business was the "child" of the marriage - and the escape from the marriage - and the scapegoat for what was wrong in the marriage - and on and on. It's not just the five years, the money, the retirement...it's that there is really NOTHING left of the marriage. Just my love for him remains.

And me. I remain. I do know that I remain. And that's important.

Sorry for the rant. Too emotional; not even sure you'll be able to make sense of this.

Please, no 2X4's on the contact (all through intermediaries) with WH. I know. I get it.

I need a divorce.