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Steve70 Offline OP
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My sister-in-law and niece live with my wife and I. Last night we discovered my niece had been stealing Rx from me and my wife. When my sister-in-law questioned my niece about it, my niece lied and said that on two occasions I had given her the meds. I'm hurt and angry. (1)My wife didn't jump to my defense (2)my niece would make up such a lie (3)No one in the household believes me! I'm so angry, I think I want a divorce from my wife of 6 months!! Any Advice?

Last edited by Steve70; 12/18/08 07:15 AM.
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Wow, so sorry you are being falsely accused. You need to calm down a little so that you can talk to your wife. Let her know that it hurts you that she doesn't believe you and didn't support you.

But you also need to get her agreement to change your living conditions. This is a disaster waiting to happen. The niece has problems - next she will be accusing you of abusing her. This is not a safe situation for you.

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Welcome to MB! Give it a little time. What your wife thinks last night, and then today, with some time to think on it, may be very different.

I encourage you to try the MB Basic Concepts. They will help you two build the love and trust, so that the next time, you and your W will be in the habit of acting as a united front. Instead of both of you judging and angry at each other.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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She and her sister both believe what my niece is telling them. My niece, once she's been caught in lies before, has told the truth. Therefore, my Wife and sister-in-law can't understand why my niece would be lying about this. I can't understand it either, but the only thing I can think of is to divert the attention from her to me. I'M DEVISTATED with all of this. A marriage is built on love and TRUST! My wife didn't so much as utter a word in my defense! I just don't know what to do or say. I KNOW the truth, but no one believes me. They say that I was so drunk, maybe I did it and just don't remember. Even though I admit to saying stupid things and doing things that might even endanger my wellbeing, there are boundries that you just don't (or wouldn't) cross. This is one of them. My niece has stolen pills from my wife's purse on THREE other occasions AND almost OD'd on Robitusson about two months ago. Even with all of that...they still don't believe me.

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Agree that having SIL and niece under your roof is NOT good for you OR your marriage. What will the kid do next? Have you talked with HER directly about her lie? I think you should.

Think: Is there anything you could've said or done that could be interpreted wrong by niece, SIL or W? Never hurts to check yourself out. Besides, it looks like you're going to be under the microscope now anyway.

Is there ANY family member who will take your side here? He**, offer to take a polygraph! Betrayed spouses ask their waywards to do it all the time.

Just a thought.


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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My wife and I talked today...same situation. She still believes my niece over me. I told her that IF we decided to stay married, her sister and niece needed to find a place of their own. She told me she wasn't going to choose between her sister and me. Obviously, with that statement I know who she would choose.

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Obviously more wrong here than a recalcitrant niece.

Read up on MB info, particularly Emotional Needs, Love Busters and Plan A. Your W is unhappy with you for SOME reason. Your job to figure out what it is, if you want to save your M.

Last edited by rightherewaiting; 12/17/08 03:27 PM.

Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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Steve, have you read the Basic Concepts here? Both of you are doing the wrong things to recover from this. I understand that you are devastated, and I know how it feels when your spouse mistakenly thinks you're lying to them.

But that doesn't justify how badly you're judging your wife today. Doesn't justify your choice to react instead of deciding to build a stronger marriage that can weather the storms that EVERY couple faces. You are deliberately choosing to harm yourself, your wife, and your marriage today, when you have the resources here at your fingertips to create that trust that you don't have between you two today. Are you willing?

I encourage you to read Jennifer Chalmer's article, Infidelity, the Lessons Children Learn. It's in the articles section. You'll see how folks raised in an adulterous home learn that it's not safe to take anyone at their word, even the one person who took a vow to cherish them. I hope that you can view your wife with forgiveness and understanding instead of anger and resentment. She needs your love and understanding today as much as you need hers. She needs you as an ally, not an enemy.

There is hope! Good luck! We're here when you're ready. You may say today, no, my wife deserves to be judged for how badly she is thinking about me. I think that tomorrow, you may well feel differently. We'll be here.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
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Well...as I previously stated, my sister-in-law and neice live with me and my wife and three children. I came home tonight and it's like I'm a stranger in my own house. I don't know what to do, what to say or how to act. I NEED IMMEDIATE HELP/SUGGESTIONS!!! My neice who started all this BS had her wisdom teeth removed today so everyone is "petting" her. Meanwhile, my marriage is in pieces up and down the hallway. I'm so hurt over all of this...I really don't know what I should do. I feel like I'm in chains and can't move. This is so rediculious...it's ALL a lie that I'm paying the price for. My mother & father-in-law stopped by. I thought for sure they were here to get some kind of talks going about what is going on, but they only stopped by to see my niece.

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You really need to get them out of your home. You are in real danger of being accused of much worse than contributing to the delinquency of a minor here. She has lied about the drugs and gotten the desired outcome (looking like the innocent, making you the guilty one, and subsequently getting attention instead of getting in trouble) It is a very short leap to go to accusing you of physical or sexual abuse-especially if you cross her. Get them out NOW!!!

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Now it appears that a trip my wife and I planned to take Friday to Jacksonville (partly business, but her father lives there) has changed. We were going to take the kids so they could see my wife's Dad before Christmast. She told me last night that SHE is now going to leave with the kids for Jacksonville TODAY. She said that she loves me and doesn't want to get divorced, but she's under a lot of stress (like I'm not!?!) and needs to just get away. I feel like if she does this, it's time for me to move on...you can't just run away from a marital problem as serious as this! This is my weekend to have my Son (from previous marriage) so I guess if she does go to Jacksonville without me, my Son and I will go visit my grandmother in TN. I'm SO hurt over all of this...I just don't know what I should do.

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She just called. She IS going to go to Jacksonville without me. She said she needed some "space". I told her running from this problem wasn't the answer and she said she's not running. I said if she was going to do what she thought she needed to do, then I needed to do the same.

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I called my grandmother to talk. My grandmother told me my wife had called her and they talked about an hour. My wife told my grandmother she didn't want a divorce and loves me...I just don't know what to do. I don't want to act hastily here, but I'm at a loss. HELP!

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That was a great idea, to call your grandma, someone to help you settle down. She's exlained that she's not going to run away from the problem, but to cool down. It's going to take time and consistent effort to build that trust back between the two of you. Both of you are doing rebuilding, just escalating and reacting, so I think it makes sense for her to do what she needs to do to calm down. Both of you need to calm down, focus on the solution, not the problem. Neither of you can fix your neice's problem.

What would help you calm down, too? Instead of escalating this into divorce? Have you read the Basic concepts yet, and the article I suggested? Dr. Harley's writing is really calming. How would you feel about planning some fun FC time with your son this weekend? Maybe like you said, visiting grandma? What do you two like to do for fun?

Then, Monday, you both can come back together in a good frame of mind. You can start by doing fun activities together. You don't "have to" start by hashing this issue out.

I have dealt with reactivity for a long time, too, and can see how it distorted my decision-making. Sometimes *not* making a decision is the wisest decision to make, just for today. What do you think?


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Can you see a therapist that specializes in addictions?
Can you get yourself to a 12-step meeting..even if it's Al-Anon. I don't know what that version would be for narcotics.

It seems like everyone (including yourself) is emotionally reacting to the situation, instead of approaching it in a level-headed way. I'd think you'd want to get to a place where your decisions are not based on your emotions.

Yes, it stinks that you were falsely accused. And maybe you didn't know your neice didn't have issues with drugs. But, I would have assumed that you and your wife would have discussed them living with you prior to being married, right? What were the boundaries set for that? Have people broken those boundaries? Were boundaries established?

Did you not notice that your wife could be enmeshed with her family while you were dating? Were you OK with that, but now the neice's behavior has sent you over the edge?

There's alot that needs to be sorted out. The family is enabling your neice. Perhaps you and your wife didn't go into the marriage with a clear expectation of the roles of family, who is considered part of the nuclear family, and who is considered extended family. Note, none of this calls for a divorce. It calls for a hopefully calm discussion. If you can't do that, than find someone to facilitiate it.

While, I think NO one is condoning behavior, you still have some work to do on yourself. I'm guessing there were some warning flags that you chose to ignore. Why did you do that?

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Maybe you're right. She told my grandmother she loves me and doesn't want a divorce. I know that we have issues other than this one that's caused EVERYTHING to come to a head. Maybe some time apart is in order to calm down and think things through. I know that deep inside I DON'T want to get divorced...I love her! But I'm starting to feel like the "ball is in motion" and there's nothing I can do.

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I must confess...all of the arguments that were "major" in the past occured after I was very drunk. Maybe I do have a problem. Maybe I did give the pills to my niece...after all, I was very drunk. I just can't imagine that I would do that!
To answer your previous question, she and her sister have lived together for years. Her sister has had drug issues of her own in the past. When we got married, it was understood that her sister would get a place of her own at some point. Her sister doesn't involve herself in our arguments or anything like that and I knew our "blended" family would be a package deal when we got married.

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 Originally Posted By: Steve70
I must confess...all of the arguments that were "major" in the past occured after I was very drunk. Maybe I do have a problem. Maybe I did give the pills to my niece...after all, I was very drunk. I just can't imagine that I would do that!


What it sounds like to me, Steve, is that your wife is very resentful of your drinking. Maybe she feels your drinking is out of control and that if you're not already an alcoholic, you're very close to it. That may be why she so quickly took your niece's side-and maybe she's right to, after all, even you're no longer sure whether you gave her the pills or not.

If you drink to the point of drunkenness THAT often, then you've got a problem. Perhaps the FIRST thing you need to do, before anything else, is stop drinking. Completely.

If nothing else, it'll give you a solid leg to stand on against further false accusations from your niece. As it stands now, she can accuse you of doing ANYTHING while you're drunk, and you'll have no real defense.

Stop the drinking, then read up on MB principles and use them to rebuild your marriage. But "going dry" must come first, since I'm betting your drinking is a MAJOR LoveBuster for your wife.


The Macnut-42, W - 45 3 stepkids,
SDD - 27, SDS1 - 22, SDS2 - 18
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Things are still VERY tense around the house. I talked to my W about her sister living with us. I told her I should have said we would be married WHEN she and I (and kids) could live as a family. Her reply was "we may not have ever gotten married". I said, maybe not but our marriage is less likely to survive with her sister and niece living with us. She didn't seem to understand why. Except for a couple of glasses of champaign New Years, I haven't had a drink since 12/21. I just don't know what to do. I'm not really sure that I want this marriage to work. I find myself weighing the pros/cons of our marriage. My wife says we will work through this, but I don't see how. We have a session with a MC on 1/7...we'll see what that brings.

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I don't think it so unbelievable that you may have given meds to the niece.

You admit to getting so drunk that you are a danger to yourself and likely others. Ya think you might have a problem with binging?

 Quote:
They say that I was so drunk, maybe I did it and just don't remember. Even though I admit to saying stupid things and doing things that might even endanger my wellbeing...


Why would you even be drinking anywhere around your niece?

Your wife isn't running from the marriage but it seems that you might want to. How dare she accuse you of doing something life threatening during a drunken stupor?

You've heard the line before: Drink Responsibly! It sounds like you are drinking WAAAAY to the side of excess. You therefore have little or no defense or ability to deny anything that you are accused of doing during a drunken stupor.



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