2M2L,


I've not read your entire thread, but did read the last several pages. Please know what I am about to say is not meant to be harsh, just an observation.

Not only are you addicted to HIM I suspect you are also addicted to the chaos and drama involved in all of this. It seems the peace and quiet of Plan B throws you for a loop. You then go out searching for chaos and drama. (ie going to his work place and waiting for him, looking for the gifts he left, etc, etc.

The first step for you is to seek IC for yourself to learn how to live your life without the drama. You are probably so use to it you don't even notice it. Right now you thrive on the drama and that has to stop.

LC

So much to update, so little time this morning! I really appreciated your posts and took them all to heart. It is in fact why I have not yet been able to reply.

I am reading a book from our church library called Divorce, The Unforgiveable Sin? by Ken Crispin.

I wanted to share a couple of things I found with you that will hopefully move and inspire you too:-

"...because it is imperative that you have a proper understanding of what you can expect God to do in your marriage and what he will not do. If you are determined to change your own attitudes and conduct you may depend upon God to help you and, in time, you will find that the transformation of your life has exceeded your expectations."

"When it comes to praying for your husband or wife, however, you must recognise that only he can make the decision to repent in the sense of a determined effort to change. You may and should pray for him. Pray earnestly and with great faith that God will bring conviction of his need to change. Pray that he will be encouraged and strengthened. Pray that any hurts caused by previous misunderstandings will be healed, that all subterfuge will be stripped away and that he will be confronted by the truth with stark clarity. That can achieve wonderful results. The bible abounds with people like Saul on the road to Damascus whose lives were changed by a confrontation with God. Few of us are blinded or hear voices fro heaven but most of us can recall times when we were challenged by God in one way of another. If we are concerned for someone else then we may pray that God will challenge him in the same manner. Yet, ultimately, the decision remains his. God has entrusted each of us with the gift of free will knowing that many will choose evil is a proposition so startling that it never enters their heads. Yet that is what God has done and, having given that gift he will not withdraw it. Even Jesus would not overrule the free will of the rich young ruler when he turned away.”

“It would be difficult if not impossible for anybody who is not intimately acquainted with both you and your partner to offer any real advice as to whether or not the marriage can be retrieved but the following pointers may be of some assistance:

(a) If you are the predominantly innocent party your duty is to forgive the guilty and try to save the marriage. If you are the guilty party your duty is to forgive yourself and try to save the marriage. No matter what the circumstances might be your first priority should be to seek to retrieve the marital relationship.
(b) Consequently any reasonable prospects of reconciliation should be thoroughly explored. You are not concerned with a court case to be decided on the balance of probabilities. If there is even a ten per cent chance of retrieving a viable marital relationship, then take that chance.
(c) Do not give up on that first priority until all reasonable hope of achieving a reconciliation has failed.
(d) If you feel that you may be approaching that point but are not sure then set yourself a particular period of time and pray persistently that God will show you what to do within that time. Whilst you may not notice anything dramatic, you should find that there is at least some significant change of heart in that period or, alternatively, a growing awareness in you that the marriage is over.
(e) Beware of rosy prophecies especially from people you don’t know. Our churches contain a smattering of good-hearted people who seem pathologically incapable of distinguishing their own desires from God’s will. If one of them forms the view that you’re a nice young man and your wife should come back to you…
(f) If your husband is repeatedly violent then leave. It will rarely be the right thing to expose yourself to the risk of serious harm and it will never be the right thing to expose your children to such a risk. You may not feel it right to close the door to the relationship but you should, at the very lease, make it plain that you will not return to him until he has sought help for his problem.
(g) Once you have come to the conclusion that the marriage has broken down irretrievable, then leave…”
(h) “In the period immediately following separation I believe there should be a willingness to consider a reconciliation if there are any sort of overtures from the other party…” “…but he did seem to feel that there should be a period of time after separation in which the separating party should regard herself as still married and remain willing to be reconciled to her husband, should the opportunity present itself. Obviously that does not involve a lifelong commitment. I don’t believe that there can be any hard-and-fast rule about the length of time involved…” “…one would expect to see some indication of a desire for reconciliation within a relatively short period after the separation if it is to occur at all.
(i) While it grieves me to have to say it, if you are in doubt about your position don’t seek advice from your minister or other Christian friends unless you are sure that they do not espouse some rigid dogma which will prevent them from offering any constructive assistance or guidance.

If you are really troubled about what you should do then wait some further period and continue to pray.”

“Commit the situation to God…All that is required is that you say to God, ‘Lord, I’m in a real mess. I commit this whole situation to you. I place it in your hands and I ask you to sort it out and show me what to do. I can’t see any solution but I trust you with my life from this moment on. Whatever you tell me to do I will do. Please help me to maintain this attitude of trust and obedience. Amen.’

You may not be aware of a fanfare of trumpets after praying this sort of prayer but something very significant will have happened. God will have taken over and in time you will become aware of a kind of peace known only to those who have relinquished the struggle to run their own lives. You will know that the ship is not rudderless because God is at the helm and he knows the way. As time passes the way ahead will become clear and you will realize that he is interested in more than just resolving a thorny question. He is interested in renewing every part of your life.

Resolutely reject guilt and fear. They will blind you to the truths and push you into ill-considered decisions. Remember that you have been forgiven and that guilt consequently has no hold on you. Equally, remember that you have chosen to place your trust in God. If he holds your future then you need not worry about it.

Make a rational decision. Do not decide in haste and anger. Take your time. Consider the position carefully and even when you have made a tentative decision make sure you commit it to God. Ask God to show you if you have decided upon the wrong course. If at the end of the week you feel that the decision is the right one then go ahead with confidence.”

My plan to give it over to God is working. I still wake up with a headache most days but for the majority of my day I am able to stop thoughts about my WH and thoughts about what I should be doing about the situation.

We did catch up as a family on New Years Eve for lunch and a ride on the Southern Star, a new enclosed ferris wheel like the London Eye. The day was great but I left in tears when he went back to ignoring me as he left with no New Year kiss. It's ridiculous, but 9 years of history is hard to break.

I decided to stay home and mope with the kids for New Years Eve but remembered Believer's and other's stand to go anywhere anytime to stay busy. So I dragged us out visiting first my parents and then dropped in to my sister's friends party where we swam and the kids played and partied with the other kids till midnight. We had a really lovely time and it was a great way to spend the NY.

WH has caught up with the kids a few times since and I have chosen to leave the house as much as possible. It is not always uncomfortable between us, but I did make it known that I had lost love for him and didn't see R as possible without major changes. He maintains that he would have been home by now if it wasn't for me. His mother never wants us together again, although he acknowledges that her opinion doesn't matter but, he is still blaming me for just about everything so I know this would not be a healthy place to start.

I am holding firm and enforcing my boundaries of hanging up or walking away if he starts to become verbally abusive.

The kids are too young to spend a lot of time away from the house so it's an ok solution for him to visit, but only on my terms which he is now getting. He does hang around for too long after the kids go to bed and is enjoying home and my company I think so I will step up some more boundaries on that too.

For now at least it is a calm ocean, albeit with a storm always on the horizon. I just keep praying and am thankful that this trial has brought me closer to God. I need to get stuck into work and try to build up my clients to ensure job security in these uncertain times. I need to be prepared for everything, but I feel that day to day I am surviving as a single mum and it's okay. I am getting clarity on the life that our marriage had become as well as clarity about many good times.

I don't know if my WH will recognise his faults and make a huge change to improve in time to save the M, but I know I need to make a huge improvement in me so that is where I have started.

I like that I don't clean as often and choose to do craft with the kids and share more time together after daycare. I like that I am more fun and relaxed with the kids. I like that I don't cry as much about what was. I like me again for standing up for myself.

I do wonder sometimes if I am too controlling or if it was circumstantial from living with an abuser. I need to find a way to let go more often.

Thanks for listening!

---------------edited to add-------------

He tells me that I am manipulative and controlling, mostly in relation to how I tried to save the M with plan A and B. He doesn't know the terms but that's the summary. Could that be true? Have I turned into someone abusive who tried to blackmail him? I am confused but I know I was following a proven method whilst he was just making it up as he went along trying to hurt me anyway possible. Right? I have a lot of doubt about who I am. If I am not with WH who is abusive and therefore do not need to be compliant and walk on eggshells, then who am I?

What you are describing is the exact same response that you will see in every abuse victim after living with an abuser for any amount of time: "Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the evil person. Maybe I drove him to be so mean to me. What can I fix of myself so he won't have to be mean to me any more?"

Because of your insecurities, you are letting his manipulation replace your common sense. 'If he's right, then I can change ME, and he'll want me back.'

It's pretty obvious you haven't been reading the abuse books and material we have referenced for you. You're choosing to settle on religious works rather than psychological ones. That's ok if that's what you're comfortable with, but as one who knows a lot about abuse, I'm here to tell you that you are endangering your family by choosing not to learn as much as you can about abuse. Because the odds are about 4 to 1 that the first time he tells you "I've been thinking a lot, and I realize I've not been the best husband. But I'm ready to change all that. See? I brought your favorite flowers! I'm cured! Can I come home now?" you are going to drop everything, put your fingers in your ears and go lalala when we try to tell you not to do it, and probably stop posting here because you don't want to hear us tell you you're making a mistake.

Having faith in God is one thing. Choosing not to protect yourself is completely different.

I think that this gives me hope. I am happier knowing that I became this was out of circumstance, not that I am evil and horrible underneath it all. I really do think I am good person with a big heart.

This does strike a chord of familiarity with me and that's scary.

I am scared by the self help books that have been recommended. I have put them all down as often as I have picked them up. Looking in the mirror at what my life really is scares me so much. I try to be strong enough to fight for what I deserve, but my big heart tries to tell me that he might change too.

I hope to be in the 25% group that does not fall for the charm by my WCH. I have actually pushed back more than 10 times when he comes to me with snippets of what I need and need to hear. He gets really mad and tells me that it's my fault that we are not moving on but I simply won't accept the blame for everuthing which is what he wants to hear. It's conditional on him coming back! I don't want HIM back!

I will get back to reading the books. I just really like the peace that I am currently feeling by not dealing with everything today. I am not going completely spiritual in my search for answers, but I do realise that there are so many things out of my control and it's okay to hand them over to God. I only control me and I am finding and setting my boundaries and being a good mother. I do intend to be a good wife in a healthy relationship, but it's not today's concern. I'm more worried about not needing a man to be happy and content.

Absolutely! I will always protect myself and my children first. I have a strong neighbourhood watch group that called my parents when WH's car was there last week. They were worried about me I now send my neighbours and parents a message when he has scheduled visits so they know to be ready but also to be relaxed. I have a phone/sms code of "7" if I need immediate help which I will send to my support group and I remove myself from any situation which is abusive or controlling. I have my recordable watch on if I need to record a conversation that WH is having with me. I have made our family and friends aware of the situation and asked for their support.

His family do not support me at all and see me as the problem 100%. I have no involvement with his family apart from dialling their numbers for DD to speak with them when she asks. Even that pains me. WH's mother is scary and abusive and two-faced and I hope I never need to repair that relationship.

I think I am getting stronger and I feel it. This board has been great for me.

You are not alone in this reaction! I was the same way! It pained me to read some of the stuff! It actually overwhelmed me!

Sometimes I could only read a paragraph or two...sometimes a few pages...but I read them and I survived!

It's all a process! I see alot of things that I don't like and I know as well as some others here that are not good, but I think that you are moving in the right direction!

I hear that you are not believing HIS stuff as much as you use too! THe charm is hard to pull yourself away from. I know exactly where you are, I've been there! I am very proud to announce that I didn't even talk to XWH this New Year's Eve or for several days after. That was great for me...the more time that passes the healthier I feel and you will get there too!

It's not easy...and I did agree that you are addicted to the drama...I was...it was my life for some time...it was what I believed for the longest time...it was my fault...I wasn't doing this or that but it does get better!

You are moving in the right direction...I also agree that you need to limit his time with you alone after the kids go to bed! I would try to figure something else out for the WH to visit with the kids...you are not trying to keep him away from the kids like he might try to say...that's what I got...you are setting strong boundaries for yourself to get healthy...once you learn how to do this with him, the future will be easier!

I don't tolerate nearly as much as I use too! I will not go back to that lifestyle again.

If you're anything like me you worry/worried alot about your future relationship(s)...just keep reading, trusting God, and controlling what you know you can...YOU! THe more you learn, the better you will be...

Thanks Rin. I love your posts to me and I really see my truth in them through your eyes too.

It's such a hard pattern to break, but I am getting a better H out of it because of my boundaries. He visited with the kids last night and it was great. He was fun with them, complimented me on the immaculate house (major 3 hour clean up the night before) and we got along really well. Then, he left before the kids went to bed so we didn't have 1 on 1 time.

The more I discourage his angry side, the more of the good side shows up.

It's a long road, and although I miss my H so much, I am feeling stronger about letting him go and focussing on me and the children.

We have been having hard mornings and the kids cry for him and ask him to come home. I do as much as I can, but I can't help thinking that letting him go completely is the wrong option at this stage. I am still open to change, but completely against what we had before.

I am thankful that I am objective now with his praise and critisism - I just let it roll off. I am looking for the rock-bottom life-changing movement before allowing anything to go further.

Mortaman's post on husbands and wives has helped me too. I have been thinking for a long time that I had taken too much of the "man's" roles and that I simply wrote my husband out of the marriage. I still believe this and hope that I can correct it for future relationships. No one wants to feel expendable. I guess when we kick out wayward-husband's out though, that's exactly what we demonstrate which must really scare them too.

Life is good. I have a friends BBQ to go to on Saturday night with the kids. I am scared about turning up on my own and not having my H to talk to in the corner, but I will look at it as an opportunity to meet new friends too.

Work is good - struggling through it!!

Bump - just wondering what's up... I noticed you've been posting a lot on other people's threads but haven't updated your own.

Hi PrincessMeggy,

Nope, I haven't posted yet. I was busy catching up on the other threads. It never ceases to amaze me how we can feel so close to people we've only met through the internet - but I've engaged with your/their stories and include you all in my prayers too. I have a genuine interest in your lives now.

I had an amazing day yesterday. I got a call from a prospect who wanted me to drive an hour to meet with him. I said yes, I need the business and planned the trip.

Called in to see WH to pick up the Garmin navigator (at his request) and he took me for lunch. Again, no pressure, no R talk, just casual. He walked down the stairs to kiss me as I left. I smiled and walked off without needing to look back. I was fine and didn't "need" anything.

I was early for my appointment and went into a charity store where I found His Needs Her Needs. How amazing is that? A completley random stop on an unplanned trip 2 hours South East from where I live!

Then, I saw my prospect who loved the sponsorship idea and he signed up for 12 months! I practically floated back to the office. Got busy working again!

Went to my landmark forum seminar last night after a month off and it was wonderful to catch up with people and share the love. I have some great lessons to apply about choosing life today just how it is. Only then will everything else be possible. Time spent worrying is just time spent worrying...

Then, I got home and went to sleep happy and content. Actually, I laid awake thinking about how happy and content I was and praying and praising and then fell asleep.

I woke up early and raced to my parents house to see the kids after their sleepover and dropped them to school.

WH wanted to give me the car today so I could do an errand for it. He was amicable but my sister called and was asking for relationship advice. She is considering dating a friend who her best friend has a crush on too. The friend is interested in my sister but my sister is making it about her friend. I can't go out with you until I sought it out with my best friend. She and BF had an argument etc.

I openly chatted to her about not choosing a best friend over a relationship ever and that a true friend would want you to be happy and expect you to invest into the relationship. I had completely forgotten that WH was sitting next to me driving the car. I only noticed when he started to huff and puff. We pulled up at his work and he jumped out without a word. I just let him go. He made the bed, he can lie in it.

It truly isn't my fault that he took it personally and I didn't make it about him and his best friend. He did. I spoke from the heart to my sister and told her my truths. She didn't know I was with WH but I told her when I dropped him off. She didn't have too much to say but said that everything I said made sense to her.

He is coming to see the kids tonight and will have a sleepover at the house. I am going to "go out" somewhere and will probably stay at my sisters house tonight.

That's about it. I feel happy and content with life but a little confused still. I am looking forward to a sleep in. I'm tired.

I forgot to mention (I think) that on WH's Wed night visit with the kids he said he was really sick and went to the hopital at midnight after eating a packet of chips. They ran tests, not a heart attack but his triglyceride levels are 23 times higher than they should be and his cholesterol is 8 times higher than it should be and he is 22 pounds overweight.

His diet since he left home is 100% to blame and we bought a treadmill 12 months ago when he had a very similar health scare. Basically he is treading a fine line before a stroke/heart attack and death.

He looks sick and will be on medication and strict diet and exercise to get back on track. I offered that he take the treadmill to his dad's house but he refuses. I think he wants to come home soon.

I think this is why he is being nicer to me too. He didn't call me from the hospital but he asked for his wedding ring on Wed night and was wearing it yesterday and today. He is spending more time with the kids and it's a bit of a reality check.

I just read T2L's post and SMB told her about her WH feeling sick each night whilst he was wayward in the lead up to him being broken. I wonder...God does work in mysterious ways and I have praying for God to soften his heart and open it to possibilities and healing and for the grass at home to look greener:) His heart is definately softening, but I don't know about his head!

Just dropped in to see if all is well with you 2M2L. Life seems to be improving for you, less drama anyway.

It's funny but in your discussion with your sister, I'd have advised her not to lose a good friend over a dating opportunity.

Thanks for your good words about the children. Being a mother isn't always easy!

Thanks Tully.

Fair call about my sister based on what I wrote...but she is 32, still a virgin, 3 relationships, none where she was serious when they wanted marriage, happy to find any excuse to excuse NOT dating.

She's a stunning, beautiful, amazing woman who is a people pleaser - always at the cost of her own happiness.

She lives with her best friend who is 34, not beautiful on the outside, single, demanding and controlling. She expects the world and my sister is happy to give it. For example, if her 2 nephews come to stay she expects my sister to be there and help and do heaps. When my 2 toddlers and my nephew (toddler) stayed with her, her best friend disappeared for the whole weekend and when she was there, did very little.

In many ways they both act like they are in a disfunctional marriage together.

YOU ARE NOT GOING TO GET THIS!!! HE'S NOT GOING TO DO IT!!! HOW DO I KNOW? I'M STILL WAITING FOR THAT TO HAPPEN WITH POWS! AND YOU KNOW WHAT AT THIS POINT, THAT LIFE CHANGING EVENT WILL NOT MATTER ONE WAY OR ANOTHER ANYMORE!!

Furthermore, you should be speaking up for yourself and telling him to stop critizing you! Not letting it roll off your back...letting it be known that it's NOT okay for him to do that to you!

YOu know why I stayed as long as I did? Becasue I kept hoping and wishing that he would change...hoping that when he got older he would calm down, settle down, be a better husband, etc...

You just keep holding your breathe...

Let me tell you what I see hapening...he going to play you whether he moves back into the house or not...and you will be right there going it's okay honey...

I hear all in your happy little life how you are allowing yourself to open that door and let him back in...that's going to get you a whole lot more hurt and pain...it's not what they say it's what they don't say...the lies by omission...

That was the worst part for me...what HE DIDN'T tell me and I found out...has that happen to you...

Sweetie, right now you are in the Honeymoon phase...you have forgotten all the terrible things that he has done...WHY? Becasue that's what WE do...he's trying to win you over so that he can have his way again...

I had a similar experience just like your ride in the car talking to your sister...I thought to myself well, MAYBE he heard something I said and it will sink in...WRONG ANSWER...it did nothing to effect the situation between the two of us...the world revolves around them and their thinking alone...if that's what they want then they will do it at all costs...no matter who it hurts...

Have another Affair? YEP!
Spend money without your agreement? YEP!
Will that cause YOU to work more? YEP!
Will that cause YOU to have to juggle the bills around? YEP!
Do without something for you or the kids? YEP!

Oh, look, he's health has declined since he left...poor him...well, maybe he'll see how much he NEEDS you and want to walk the striaght and narrow! Perhaps he'll see what a great woman he has and he'll agree to change his life...because he's giving up filet mignon for chopped liver...
(This was my thinking! POWS had high blood pressure and had to have his glabladder taken out!) I thought well, it's amazing what the stress of not living right will do to a person! Perhaps he'll see it and change for the better!



There was something else that you said that reminded me of myself...how your eyes are opening up and your learning more...what I thought I knew at the time I was going through breaking away from him was nothing compared to all the things I learned to this point...spending time with him, no matter the excuse is allowing YOU to be pulled in and you won't know it until that hammer comes crashing down...

let me ask you this? How long has things been going well between you and him? A week?

You want to bet on how long THIS is going to last? I give it two or three more weeks...right now he's getting everything he wants from you...and as soon as you say NO..BAM! He's psycho again...

I mean you are allowing him in the house, while YOU are away...has he ever threaten to burn the house down...destroy your personal things...how about your collection of books...what about taking things that are precious to you JUST to hurt you?

I allowed POWS in the house right after YS has surgery...it was POWS time and there was NO way that I was going to allow my baby to go with him after surgery and I couldn't be there to look after him, so I let POWs stay here...the time he was here was great...after he left, I found that ALL of my documention to my lawyer was missing that I had in a certain place...

I was in the kitchen and he was packing his stuff to leave...I had hid it and HE HAD TO DIG for it to find it...

Have you picked up "Why he does what he does?" and read anymore out of it? HNHN is not going to help you right now...

And of course, you are thinking that I'm completely wrong and that's okay...I thought the same thing when I was told everything that I was...actually, I would LOVE to be wrong!

yep.
Exactly.

Husbands and wives should not critisize each other. You should not be "ignoring it" or hearing at all, EVER. as soon as he said something critical to you, you should have shut him down.

The fact that you think this is acceptable behavior within a M, or within a family, or even within a casual personal relationship, tells me that you are not getting it yet. Have you started IC? Have you been getting advice from the womens shelter?
If not, how do you expect to be ready to recover a disfunctional M?

And what about your WH - what is he doing to improve his behavior? He put his wedding ring on. So? How does that make him a better H? He is trying to wiggle his way back into your home, without doing ANYTHING to be a decent H. Heck, you may even get another diamond ring out of this!! After all, that is an easy solution. That does not require any work on his part. That does not require any real change. go to the store, spend another $1000 on a ring (instead of paying bills) and give it to you with a teary apology "I miss you, I miss the kids, I want to come home, this ring is proof of my commitment"

I am certain that your WH's health issues are the result of his bad choices. But that does not mean he is broken and ready to return. Znd another thing - just being broken does not mean he is ready to return. it means he should be ready to get help.

You are leaning on God, which is a wonderful thing. My strength comes from the Lord, daily. BUT the Lord does not want you to accept abuse!!! AND the Bible talks about allowing D when a spouse has been unfaithful. God hates D, but allows it when one spouse has been unfaithful. You are not required to D your WH - but he wont even admit that he did anything wrong. He still blames you. He is not at all ready to fix this problem.

God does not want people to treat his children badly. You do not belong to yourself - you belong to God. And God would never want his children to be put down, slapped, beaten down, insulted, bullied.

How would you feel if your little girl were treated this way by her own H? If her own H kicked her bag acrss the garage floor in anger, threw a gift of candy out the window, critised her,and then said it was her own fault. Would that make you feel happy for her? Or would you grieve for her?

How do you think God really feels about your WH's treatment of you? Happiness? or Grief??

Very well spoken WOF!

Rin and WOF5, thank you for your posts

You're both right, I still don't really get it. WOF5, I just read your success story on Ace's thread and I was inspired by that too.

I keep forgetting that recovery doesn't always mean the marriage, it means me.

He came on Friday night to be with the kids for the night and was an hour late and in a grumpy mood. I kept happy and light but by the time I left at 10pm, we had argued after he constantly tried to put me down and blame me for all etc. I put a stop to it each time but he was so righteous that it didn't make a dent.

He told me that I wanted the marriage back. I said not anymore, not like this, never. I never want this marriage ever. He got really mad. I left and didn't feel great about walting out on my babies but I was going to be back in the morning. He was mad at me rejecting him. I then understood what you all had meant about not giving up my safe place.

I went to my parents house around the corner and came back at 9:30am. They had been up with him from 5:30am and he had slept in out bed and given the kids breakfast and they were on the way to the shower. I kept it light and unconfrontational. I just wanted him to leave!

They showered and he took his time getting ready. DD walked out and announced that daddy did not want to do anything with me today. I told WH to keep those thoughts to himself, a 3y.o. does not need that crap.

The kids and I did craft and I made pizza for lunch. He ate and fell asleep on the couch and I put DS to bed. DD and I watched a movie, he woke up, took the kids for a ride to the park and came back.

The paper had an article about angry men and kids but he refused to read it. That's how he was brought up so I guess he thinks it's normal.

He grabbed his things and then left. Pretty uneventful...although I did find the alarm manual in his car when he was in the shower so I took it back to file. My WH sounds a lot like POWS!!

The kids and I went to my friends BBQ and it was lovely. As we left we tried to call WH to say good night, cell turned off. I sent a message saying please call the kids if you can to say good night. He responded "F You".

Needless to say we didn't call or text after that and it's now 11:30am on Sunday morning and we haven't heard a peep or made one!

I feel very teary today and plain confused. I want my marriage, but not with my WH. I want a marriage and miss being married. I will not take WH back. I deserve so much more.

I think he's only just starting to realise that the door is closing on him. He will soon know that only a huge show of remorse and change will move me. He is going to have to beg to come back, and that is only the beginning.

I am staying firm but fair and hope not to have another thoughtless explosion on his part, but, apart from prayer, there is nothing more I can do for him.

Thank you both for your insights. I will be back into Why Does He Do That soon. I have it out, now I just have to open it, but we're back into craft today

I worry about this all the time. I absolutely don't trust him or his stories or his truth and I know there is still something happening in the background. The mind boggles so I just wait ignorantly for God to work the miracles.

The further this goes the more I see that you are all right I am stubborn and hopeful.

This is my greatest fear, shared with my fear that DS will learn from his daddy that this behaviour is ok too. They question his angry outbursts now, and they are the really small infrequent ones. I imagine if he came home like this and the impact on our children and I will not be a party to that.

I haven't started IC yet. The centres have been shut for Christmas or running with smaller staff and I will be calling around tomorrow. Money will be really tight for me until the end of the month, so unless it's free or a book that I already have, it will be difficult. I have some paperwork which I store at work which lists counselling as a service by the domestic abuse centre. I will call them tomorrow too and see what I qualify for.

Thanks for your honesty!

In the interests of honesty, here are the two text messages I just received. I have not heard from him since the F you message last night and it's 12:30pm.

I sent him a message at 11:30am to tell him I had found a clip from his laptop if he needed it. No more than that. He had it open trying to fix it yesterday and would not let me help him find it.

So...

"I think we should get the divorce. My laptop is dead so could you please print out the forms from the net and I will fill out my parts. Yo unever thought to ask me as the father how I felt about out children attending church. You and your family just do as you please with our children and without my consultation, always have. (2M2L "I don't want this marriage Jason, I never have.') I don't want any part of your lies and manifpulation anymore. Despite everything I honestly thought we still had a chance but you proved me wrong. I didn't think I could be on my own without you but I can and I will. You have dragged everybody including your own family through the mud and I'M so full of hate for you that it will never work. I will go through the courts for visitation."

And this:

"You need to realise that you are not the well adjusted sweet and kind person that you make yourself out to be. At least I am consistent. I will go through the courts for visitation ASAP."

When he was dating me he told me he was a Lutheran too. However, only months later did he tell me that he found a Lutheran church and did the course, got baptised and did all of that to be a Lutheran like me!

We got married in the church and he used to attend with us too. He has never questioned the kids attendance at church and only 5 weeks ago he attended to watch their play at church and told DD he would attend every week.

I know, it's just to hurt me.

The part about the marriage, my emphasis was on THIS marriage. He knows I wanted the marriage, but not like THIS.

I haven't responded. Won't, but...

another message. "You and (2M2L's mother) have a lot to answer for. DD and DS are not YOUR children they are MY children. Thought I would remind you. You are WICKED people."

Update - this messgage was copied to me and my sisters but sent to my parents!
What????????????????? Seriously, what is that meant to mean???

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Edited to add - I spoke to my sister and mum. I have just sent him a short message

"Ok. I'll print them out and put them in the post to you tomorrow."

I don't know what this will do, but I hope it will stop the onslaught to my family etc. When will this end????

I hope you have been documenting what is going on, saving voice and text messages, you might need them, because this man is full of drama, and is known for acting out in a way that makes you look bad.

Keep copies of all that happens at your office or in a safe place.

Your whole family is being abused by this man. What's up with that?

Love in Christ,
Miss M