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#2186561 01/03/09 03:32 PM
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A lot of you may know the story of my marriage by my wife’s post on the site. For those of you that don’t here is our story written by my wife:
"Ok, I'm just going to jump in with my story. I have been cheated on physically before I married my dh.

When dh and I met he was getting over a relationship with his ex fiancé. We lived in different states. He came to visit, while being intimate he called me her name ok, I'm Tracie she is Stacy. To this day he still denies doing it. I know what I heard. When I would visit him there was never really evidence of her around. She didn’t call etc. While visiting, we talked about getting married etc.

After he left I found conversations between the two of them on my comp. He was calling her MRs (his last name) how she was the love of his life etc. He lied to her about where he was and what was going on in his life. His explanation was he was trying to get his engagement rings back. I guess I was to caught up, low self esteem to even run the other way without passing go. My fault I know. So I married him.

While married at first we didn't live together. He said he was going somewhere and would be home in a couple of hours. I called all night long he never came home. Said he got drunk fell asleep at a friends house. I know he wasn't with her because she lives in a different country. Doesn't mean he wasn't with someone else.

SO I move there, when I get there and we are moving his stuff into our house, I find old phone bills of him calling me, calling her etc on and on even after we were married. What am I to do now right? Here I am a military wife just moved my 2 year old daughter to be with my husband. FOund more conversations on his computer after we were married calling her by his last name. Then when she would make him mad he would tell her about me but she didn't believe him.

Fast forward to me being pregnant and severly depressed during the pregnancy. Have the baby, we are distant. We have some problems and I said things I probably shouldn’t have. Told him every time I put my trust in a man I get let down and he just proved it. So, we are even more distant. He leaves for a drive I call he says he is on the phone with his mom. The next day I get into one of his e-mail accounts and check the phone bill. He has been calling his ex again. They were e-mailing back and forth talking how they are soul mates and he was making plans to go see her. I know it wasn't possible for him to go see her, he had no money, but still it’s the point. He had been talking to her for over a week. She is married and has a baby the same age as ours. So I get her on the phone. She tells me they have never stopped communicating. He stays in contact with her calls her or e-mails her for every holiday she has pictures of our daughter. She says that she truly believes she made a mistake and my husband is her soul mate. But she said she would never leave her husband.

I was devastated at that point. I just felt like my whole life came crashing in on me. Yet its my fault. I saw the signs and kept going. This all happened about 8 months ago. We are now living yet again in another state, thank goodness I refused to go anywhere but where my family is. It doesn't appear that there is any contact with this woman, but how do I know for sure. He has his own email at work that I will never have access to. I can't trust him at all. I wonder constantly if he is cheating on me with someone else. I have always told him I could have dealt better with him having sex with a random stranger than to see the written words of how he loves this other woman more than anything and he misses her and will do anything to be with her. I have never felt like I was enough for him. This woman is absolutely beautiful, a model. I am almost 100lbs overweight. To this day I think he married me just to not be alone because she had moved on. I found out he sent a pic of someone else to her and his friends saying that person was his wife. I still don't know if or how to get over any of this. He shows remorse, we tried counseling. I just can't get past it. I am angry at him.

TO make matters worse after I had our daughter who is now 1, I have problems having sex. SO of course, if I cant have sex with him, that adds one more worry. He loves looking at porn. It used to not bother me but because of everythign else became a huge issue. I have asked him to stop he agreed. Last week I found an email account of his that I had no idea about, an amatuer porn website he had been visiting and posting comments to other woman on. Now he gets upset when I question him. Says, I don't respect him by always questioning him. I really don't even know where to begin to make things better. Wow, if you are still reading this, I am grateful. I am sitting here crying trying to at least make some sense, I just have so many emotions going on, and they won't stop. One day is ok the next is awful. I can't keep living like this, but don't know how to end it
________________________________________________________________

The above story is a bit of back ground of the relationship between my wife and I. All true and I did get into this relationship not completely over the last. One thing that was not covered is that I did and still do love my wife.

Why am I posting today? My wife completed her Master’s degree in education on 12/16 and on 12/17 my life started to crumble in around me. Three weeks ago my wife located an old friend who she wanted a relationship with on a social networking website unknown to me. I just found out the true extent of her talking to him this past Monday.

In the past my wife had spoke of a person she met while visiting Hawaii 12 years ago. She told me this man changed her life and helped her to put her life on the right track. After spending a week with him on the island a relationship started to develop. My wife returned to California and made plans to return to the island to start a relationship with him. However when all was in order the man contacted her and told her not to, that he was trying work thing out with his child’s mother. From my understanding, my wife was hurt by this man but held on to feeling for him.

On the day my wife picked up her diploma 12/16, I took the opportunity to talk to her about going to school full time and being a stay at home parent. These talk did not go over well and ended with hard feelings about the subject. On the 12/17 my wife located her male friend and started talking with him on the phone without my knowledge. Between that Wednesday and Friday out relationship had fell apart to the point where she told me she need space to think and was going out of town for the weekend. I had a problem with her going out of town for the weekend since she is a home body that does not travel much. She went away the weekend before the holiday and returned worse off than she was when she left. She returned and stated that our marriage was over and she was moving in with a friend. I was taken back by this since things were not great but ok I could see that we were making some progress from where we were.

From the point of her return home she started to cry uncontrollably and lash out at me for anything. In my heart I knew something was wrong but had no idea how big the problem was. Last week end after all the strange behavior I started to wander if something was going on when each time I used the laptop the history was deleted. Sunday night my law enforcement mind took over, I conducted a check of our cell phone record, found that she has been talking with him since 12/17, and made almost two hundred calls to him. I confronted her about what I had found and she explained who he was and told me a bit about him. When she told me who he was, it felt like she ripped my heart out of my chest. I was on fire and pissed off. On Monday I started to think about the events of the pass few weeks and the stories just did not add up to me. I stared to review credit card billings online and found a credit conducted in Knoxville the weekend she was away.

I asked her what happen over the weekend and she told me that they only kissed and caught up on old time. I don’t really believe that with all the crap I have heard over the past few weeks.

Now what do I do? I find myself checking the cell records daily and looking at credit cards statement. I feel sick when she visits the social network web site. Each time I see his photo I feel rage. My wife told me she is tired and doesn't want too work on the marriage and more. She has also told me that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants to do. She has also been told getting help is ok but she will not take the lead on repairing our marriage.

Now the tables have been turned and I can experience what I put her thru. I am so deeply in love with her that I am willing to get over this incident just as she did my incident. This incident made me respect the openness that had developed. I just want my family back!

Last edited by wil1899; 01/04/09 01:14 PM.
wil1899 #2186565 01/03/09 03:55 PM
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Wil, welcome to MB! I am kind of biased, because your W has been a big help and inspiration to me personally over the years. I am glad that you believe that your marriage is worth saving, too. I encourge you to move your thread over to GQII, where the vets are. I hear you saying that your W is willing to recover the marriage if you take the lead, did I get that right? I think that you have some big advantages that will help you recover your marriage easier than most:

You both have a lot more knowledge about how great marraiges work than most. It's simply the willingness and action and consistency to add to that.

You two work really well together. You both have had a great marriage beore, and can do it again. Some folks never have been there.

Your kids are old enough now that they can take care of theselves for a few hours so you two can spend quality time togehter.

You two are both very smart folks and willing to work hard.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2186621 01/03/09 05:48 PM
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wil1899 Offline OP
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Yes, I am willing to put in some work on my marriage! Yesterday we had a nice time together but today she seem so distance from me. She tell me that she is fine she is just PMSing but it is hard for me to believe.

I need to chart a course to the road to recovery but it is difficult when you don't know which way to go.

I should change my name to LOST!

wil1899 #2186628 01/03/09 06:05 PM
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Wil, yes, I remember that you did have the willingess, that's one of the reasons I think your chances of recovering the marriage are so good. If you want, you can hit Notify at the bottom of your post, and tell the mods you want to move the thread to the Infidelity>General questions II board, where the vets there are. On the right side of the page here, under Most Popular Links, you can click on the link How to Survive Infidelity. To get you started.

In general, in recovery, you two will eliminate your top love busters (LBs), meet each others' top Emotional Needs (ENs) and reach joint agreements. I encourage you to also read the article Why Women Leave Men. It doesn't sound like she's leaving physically, but she's checked out emotionally and you can read how to come back from that. In a nutshell, the analogy is to invite her into all the rooms in your house, your life. Which IIRC (if I recall correctly) comes more naturally to you than most of us.

She may not be happy every day. She had (has?) PMDD, so that time of the month, its very hard for her to feel like herself. So it's great that she has a solid person like you to lean on. Maybe you can take the kids out for an hour or two, let her get a little rest so she can feel a little better. She's usually better in a day or two, right?

The biggest thing to remember is to be the lighthouse. The solid person she and the kids can count on. Which again I think comes a lot more naturally to you, right?

Wil, she loves you. She wants to be with you, too. This other guy, he's nothing. Nothing compared to the real thing that you two have. What many folks never have in their whole lifetime. You are so blessed. And you can get back to that together. You are great folks, and you can do this!


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2186630 01/03/09 06:08 PM
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Cat, Soolee, Jayne, Stella, are you all around? Any suggestions here? These are great folks who just fell into a situation that we see sadly all too often. But they can build their marriage back stronger, so it won't be easy pickings for these kinds of circumstances anymore.


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
wil1899 #2186975 01/04/09 11:55 AM
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wil1899 Offline OP
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I've asked my wife to end all communication with this person, would it be wrong to also asked to remove him from her social network website page. Each time she visits the site I start to feel sick.

wil1899 #2186983 01/04/09 12:24 PM
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Hi, I just now saw this. Sorry, will go read the thread right now.


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
wil1899 #2186987 01/04/09 12:34 PM
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 Originally Posted By: wil1899
A lot of you may know the story of my marriage by my wife’s post on the site. For those of you that don’t here is our story.

When dh and I met he was getting over a relationship with his ex fiancé.


Ok, I am SOOO confused. Wil, are you the husband or the wife? What does "DH" stand for? How come you talk about your wife and then in the next paragraph refer to a "HIM?"



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


jayne241 #2186995 01/04/09 12:46 PM
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Ok. I'm not sure I have this straight. But if I understand correctly, you have been in an EA and PA affair with your ex-fiancee, both before and during your current marriage. Now your BW has started getting involved in an EA with someone, and you want to save your M. Is that correct?

I gotta admit, I don't feel very sympathetic right now. I feel anger every time I hear of another man who doesn't value his M until the W is walking away. It's a bit too close to home, KWIM?

But, ears thinks there's a reason to try to help you so I will. I don't have time to go read your wife's posts, but I'll try to do that later. For now, IMHO the first thing you need to do is stop all LBs and establish NC once and for all, for life, with the OW. Write a NC letter and show it to your W to let her know you are serious. Don't expect much in response, it sounds like she's in withdrawal and I can't say that I blame her. Just hope you can show her enough sincerity that she won't leave right away.

Which, BTW... I didn't hear much remorse in your posts. JMHO but what I heard was, now that your W is doing what you did, *now* you are feeling excruciating pain and you want your pain to stop. I didn't hear anything about you realizing that you put your W through this same pain... for longer... and probably more. Yours was a long-term PA, right?

Are you still in contact with the OW? If you think she is your soulmate, then why are you upset that your W is thinking of leaving? I don't mean that as an accusation, I just think you should think about that and answer it for yourself and for your wife.

Have you read the basic concepts here? Do you know about LBs and ENs? About NC and Plans A and B? You should establish NC between you and OW, and you should start Plan A.


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
jayne241 #2187128 01/04/09 06:47 PM
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wil1899 Offline OP
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I guess you have the base. I was involved in EA with my ex over 5 years ago. I have not had contact with my ex since 2003. I have not been involved in a physical relationship since I married my wife.

From my understanding our marriage was recovering from my past errors. I don't know or understand what took place to cause the events of the past 3 weeks.

I understand that I had done wrong and have done all I could to fix my past errors. My wife has access to all email to include my work email when ever she come by the office, she also has access to my cell phone and any password protect website that I visit during my net surfing.

The events of the past 3 weeks have taken me on a rollercoaster ride from hell. The weekend before Christmas my wife told me that she was head to Charlotte NC to shop and clear her mind, however she went to Knoxville Tn to visit and old friend who she wanted a relationship with 12 years ago. I found out the Monday before New Years that she had lied to me on where she was going for the weekend. I asked what happen over the weekend and she told me all they did was kiss. I could have dealt better with an EA and they had not met. Over the past week I've had the following question in my head: Did they sleep together?

I will do all I can to make my marriage work but I need/want information to help me cope with this. She has given me some information but I have thousands of questions. She refuses to talk about it and I make myself sick thinking about what may have happen.

After my EA I made some major changes in my life. I change my views on what privacy is in a marriage. I also change my views on relationships of the opposite sex. I started to share my feeling and listen to her feeling and respect limits, boundaries and decision made by her.

wil1899 #2187403 01/05/09 10:49 AM
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Are you in Plan A right now?


me - 47 tired
H - 39 cool
married 2001
DS 8a think
DS 8b :crosseyedcrazy:
(Why is DS7b now a blockhead???)
(Ack! Now he's not even a blockhead, just a word! That's no fun!)
jayne241 #2187523 01/05/09 01:45 PM
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wil1899 Offline OP
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I am still getting an understanding of the MB concepts. I am kind of in Plan A. I tried talking with her about the incident but I am getting no where. She said that she would end all contact with him however she kept his cell number in her phone and he is still on her social network website.

My wife saw the post and said that plan A would not work because it feels fake to her, if I did not care in the past why you care now. She also said that it would not work since she knows what I am doing.

This morning I took the girls to school and clean out my wife's car, since she was home sick. When she got up this afternoon to head to the doctor I found that I may have tossed sometimes that she may had need. I went and retrieved the items I tossed and found a voucher for breakfast from the hotel she stayed in Knoxville. I got pissed and tossed her crap in the car and walked away. I told her I found it and we talked for a moment. I still want to know did she sleep with him. I want to know now so I can deal with it. I don’t want to find out a few months from now and the information reopens a wound.

Should I ask her to remove his number from her cell and him from her social networking site?

Can someone tell me why it is some important to me to know if they slept together?

One day at a time.

Lost in love.

Last edited by wil1899; 01/05/09 02:00 PM.
wil1899 #2187743 01/05/09 06:23 PM
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BTW, this is my husband. He didn't post my sn.


*poster formerly known as neverenough.
wil1899 #2187791 01/05/09 07:44 PM
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Wil, I'm glad to see that you're on GQII, and made your post a little easier to follow. I think you may get more specific advice if you post specifically what your plan A looks like. I totally get it that your W may not see your changes for a bit. If you remember about the love bank, it takes a little time to fill back up. She has been in love with you before and I think she will fall in love with you all over again, this time without those old friends you two had.

I hope your W posts, too, on another thread. She has been a great friend to me in some painful times, and I'm sorry to see you two go through this. It doesn't take away from the amazing things that you two have done, the home that you two have created for your kids. Many folks don't get that in a whole lifetime, the real thing like you two have. I'm glad that you chose to come here. You can do this!


Me 40, OD 18 and YD 13
Married 15 years, Divorced 10/2010
NewEveryDay #2187980 01/06/09 02:22 AM
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wil1899 Offline OP
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All i am hear ing is Give Tracie space!i am scared becuase i may lose her but if i don't i will push her away....What do i do?


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