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Marty99 Offline OP
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Thank you everyone for your input, support and feedback. I feel I am so, so alone right now, and I don't wish these feelings upon anyone else in the world. Perhaps I have to change my approach a little bit, like the post above alludes to, it does feel like I am at war right now with some many things. These feelings are very new for me, as I am an active member of our community and give a lot back in the way of volunteering my time and efforts for kids in our area to make their world and our world a better place.

Last night was a bit weird at the house. Yesterday was the first day in 2.5 weeks I was not around the house. In the evening, she showed a little bit of affection for the first time in what feels like months. Nothing major, just a little (and I mean 5 minutes)cuddle time watching TV with the kids. To me, it was almost surreal, which is very sad to say. Anyways, when I was driving to work this morning, it dawned on me yesterday would have been the first time in a while that my wife would have "potentially" had time alone with the OM. First day in a while that there wasn't a text sent between them, and she was "at home" all day without kids. I think you can see where I'm going with this, and it truly makes me want to vomit. She was the same this morning, she actually went out of her way to give me a good bye kiss. That is the first time in ages as well.

This morning, I started to document the things I've noticed over the last year with the OM (I'll catch on to more of these acronyms at some point), and now have a documented list I'm looking at. The title of this thread is so appropriate!!!!

Is it a good idea to mention that I've bounced my observations in an internet forum, and the feedback is pretty unanimous that it is an A. Just to set some sort of context of her inappropriate behaviour? I don't think I need anymore evidence to confront this once and for all. My personality is not confrontational at all, but you all have given me strength to really get to the bottom of things here. We had an initial conversation about the sweet dreams text, but she dug her heels in that this is just an "awkward" friendship. My heart and gut just tells me this isn't the case, and I deserve the truth.

Have a great day everyone!!!


BH, me: 35
WW: 35
DD: 11,8
Married: 1996, together since 1992
D-Day: 12/26/2008, suspected 03/11/2008
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Marty99 Offline OP
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I just started reading through some of the Plan A & B posts. Very interesting stuff. I guess I'm not totally sure where I am at. I want the affair to first be acknowledged, and then I want it to end immediately so we can try and repair the marriage. I just feel I can't go on trying to repair the marriage while I have these extremely strong impulses in my gut and heart that there is an A going on.


BH, me: 35
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There's no point going to Plan A unless you are going to expose. Are you?

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Internet Forums do not carry any credibility with WS's. Do NOT mention this to her. You need this as YOUR safe place to get ideas and strategies.

You need to SPY. You need to know what you are really up against.

And change your thinking on the "quick fix" idea.

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It is an affair. You cannot start to fix anything unless you face what is going on.

It is an affair.

My WH looked me straight in the eye for 4mos., swore on the bible (literal sense) that this was a friendship and no sex had occurred, despite suspicious texts ect. I had no concrete evidence of sex either.

WS lie through their teeth.

WH only came clean after being cornered by a polygraph.

If your best buddy came to you with your same concerns what would you think is going on ??

It is an affair.

Realize it now, not next month.
Continue to gather facts, make copies of relevant documents, letters, and don't throw anything out. Things that you find now that don't make sense, may make sense later.

I found that the more proof I had, it was like ammo when confronting and exposing.
It gave me confidence that I wasn't crazy.

You can do this, you can do this for your family.


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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Marty99 Offline OP
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I will do it again, as I did confront after I found out about the sweet dreams text. She had downplayed it, but I can't go on in the relationship until I bring it up with her again. In hindsight, I should have done more intel to get a bigger "list", but the emotion of the situation moved me to the first attempt to expose.


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What is your plan when she denies it again?


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It aint just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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Exposure means telling everyone ELSE about the affair, not your wife. Her parents and siblings, best friends, cousins, coworkers whom you know, pastor...anyone who will look at her with disgust once they find out. And you do the same with the OM and his family/friends/etc. Have you done this?

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Marty,
When my husband confronted me the first time, his evidence was just the sheer amount of texting that went on. He confronted me over the phone while I was at a 3-day seminar about 3 hours from our house. Mr Z was convinced the OM was with me (he even tried to sneak over to where I was but couldn't because he was taking care of our daughter). It was easy for me to deny the affair because the OM wasn't with me at that time. I found that it was easier to lie when I was confronted about a specific event that didn't occur.

Once I knew he was suspicious though, I went underground. I wanted to protect what I had, so I did whatever I could to remove suspicion.

There are different types of WS's, some of us are cake eaters. I was one of those. I think your wife might be the same way. She wants to stay married to you, but she wants to keep the OM in her life. I know this is killing you.

Over time, my conscience was really getting to me and I was feeling worse and worse about the lies, and I started to get sloppy about covering my tracks. So, after I made that "accidental" phone call, I was ready to talk. Mr Z didn't have a lot of evidence, but he knew what was going on. When he confronted me that last time, he was very confident. He didn't ask, "are you having an affair?" instead, he said, "Stop talking to me like I'm an idiot. Why don't you tell me what's going on?" I simply couldn't deny it anymore. But, the key here is, I was ready to talk.

We don't know where your wife is at, is she getting ready to give it up? Is her conscience starting to get to her? It's hard to say. If you confront her without that confidence in your conviction, she will easily deny. So you have to be absolutely certain, thus the snooping.

Even though my husband Mr Z was confident about his conviction, he still was in shock when I confessed. He told me it was the most painful moment of his life.

God bless Marty. I hope this helps.

-MrsZ


Me, FWW, 2 1/2 year EA then PA
BH D-Day March 15, 2008
DD 6
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Marty99 Offline OP
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I guess right now, I don't know what to say or do when she denies again.


BH, me: 35
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D-Day: 12/26/2008, suspected 03/11/2008
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 Originally Posted By: Marty99
I guess right now, I don't know what to say or do when she denies again.



If it's only an "awkward friendship", then she should have no problem ending all contact with him, should she?

Better yet, ask her for his phone number so you can call him and set up a "friendly" meeting between the three of you. Just a friend...no problem, right?

As a matter of fact, since he's such good friends with your wife, it stands to reason that you and he would get along quite well. Would she mind if you invited him out for a few beers sometime?

Ask her that stuff, then watch for the puddle of urine at her feet.


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Marty,
That's why you need to be confident in your gut feelings if you decide to confront before you have hard evidence. I know you want to get this over with. I encourage you to keep snooping, but I know this is eating you alive.

Let's make a list of what we do know for sure:

1. Your wife is, (at the very least) in an emotional affair. The evidence is
a) She frequently sneaks off to the bathroom to text another man while she is out with you. There is a pet name acronym used (what is it, by the way)? and a note about "sweet dreams"
b) She has developed a deep, emotional bond with another man where she eases his pain through difficult times (I did that as well, btw). She did all of this behind your back
c) She hides her phone from you and deletes her messages

2. Your wife is (at the very least) thinking about cheating.
The evidence is
a) She did a Google search on "why women cheat"

Is this enough evidence to make you feel confident that she is in a physical affair?


Me, FWW, 2 1/2 year EA then PA
BH D-Day March 15, 2008
DD 6
Thankful to my incredible husband for his true love and gift of reconciliation
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Marty99 Offline OP
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The sweet dreams text ended "BD", so I don't know what that stands for....That list does cover what is undeniable. The last couple confirmed text messages sent were when I left the house to attend a practice for the team I am coaching.....The problem with texting up here in Canada is that I can't retrieve messages from the bill that my wife has been hiding. I can only see when the last text was sent to the OM by the contacts listed in her phone. My heart is still trying to somehow deny the PA, but the evidence is suggesting otherwise.


BH, me: 35
WW: 35
DD: 11,8
Married: 1996, together since 1992
D-Day: 12/26/2008, suspected 03/11/2008
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SIM card reader. If you can get ahold of her phone you could download all of her deleted texts (goes WAY back....)

Voice activated recorder. If they talk, you could capture her side of the conversations...

You need to SPY.

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And start preparing for your next steps.

Plan A and Exposure.

Who would you expose this affair to? Start making a list.

And get busy meeting ALL of her emotional needs. It sounds like you need more contact with her thoughout the day.

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Martin
Knowing what I know now, you really do have enough to confront her again. I went through the same thing.....the friend thing.

It's hard, it bites, it sucks the big one, really no words to describe how devastating this is. We all understand the shock too. Accept that these are normal feelings and now you must be your WW's knight in shining armor. Someone has to save her, she cannot do this herself. (sorry if this sounds kind of sappy, can't think)

One bluff that I didn't follow through with, it was shortly after D-Day and I simply did not have the balls for it, one more regret....

WH was so insistent that they were only friends I said " ok let me have your cell phone, I will text her something like....when can we meet again I miss you or the last time we were together it was electric and let's see what she texts back"

Then there was silence and that look....a deer caught in the headlights, finally he said "ok do it"

I didn't, I figured I had my answer but I actually didn't have his. I kick myself for that one.

I have since acquired balls.


M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA


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 Originally Posted By: Lexxxy
And start preparing for your next steps.

Plan A and Exposure.

Who would you expose this affair to? Start making a list.

And get busy meeting ALL of her emotional needs. It sounds like you need more contact with her thoughout the day.



Yuck. There are a number of BHs here who feel that Plan A should not be used by a BH on his WW.

Although it might work some of the time, in the meantime you are sharing her with another man. Can you live with that? Will you ever be able to look at her without disgust again? Do you want to peck her on the lips and wonder (or worse, know) where they've been? What is your dignity worth?

The alternative to Plan A is The Ultimatum: End the affair right now, or get the F out, and don't come back.

You'll find proponents of both plans on this forum.


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Marty99 Offline OP
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Where can you pick up a sim card reader here in Canada (Alberta), I know that will tell me a whole bunch.....


BH, me: 35
WW: 35
DD: 11,8
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D-Day: 12/26/2008, suspected 03/11/2008
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Marty if your service provider is Bell the network they use is a CDMA network not GSM like their competitors. CDMA phones do not use a sim card so the reader will not be an option for you.

regards

tmi57

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 Originally Posted By: Krazy71
[quote=Lexxxy]And start preparing for your next steps.

Plan A and Exposure.

Who would you expose this affair to? Start making a list.

And get busy meeting ALL of her emotional needs. It sounds like you need more contact with her thoughout the day.



Yuck. There are a number of BHs here who feel that Plan A should not be used by a BH on his WW.

Although it might work some of the time, in the meantime you are sharing her with another man. Can you live with that? Will you ever be able to look at her without disgust again? Do you want to peck her on the lips and wonder (or worse, know) where they've been? What is your dignity worth?

The alternative to Plan A is The Ultimatum: End the affair right now, or get the F out, and don't come back..........quote from Krazy




The problem I see with your view Krazy is that Marty really wants to save his marriage, at this point. Your reluctance to Plan A and your alternatives may backfire on him.

It's weird, as long as my WH con'd to deny anything physical, I found Plan A not that hard to do, even though my gut told me otherwise. I had no concrete proofat that point.

Look at it right now as a competition with the OM. Marty, you coach a sports team, hopefully a rep one.

Marty should start Plan A.



Last edited by Vittoria; 01/06/09 03:33 PM. Reason: grammar

M'd 22 years
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D-Day 08/08 LTA


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