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Originally Posted by iam
It will not be Marty who breaks up his family should it come to that. It will be the choice of his wife.

Marty is NOT responsible for HER choices.

Marty is responsible for HIS CHOICES. And kicking his wife to the curb over PRIDE would be his choice.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by iam
ITA with Myrev & Krazy.

I needed her begging and pleading for forgiveness or it was out the effing door.

Some of us less refined men have a need to maintain some sort of internal pride even though we feel like pu$$ies for taking them back anyway.

Me 4. But ML is right. Make the decision based on whether or not you have it in you to do the Plan A and not end up hating your WW.

Last edited by HURTandSHOCKED; 01/07/09 10:20 AM.

Me: 32 BS DDay: 9/14/08
Slowly coming to the realization that I
am one of those who can't get past it.
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Originally Posted by MrsZonie
Mr Z told me he was going to divorce me after I confessed to the A. His pride was destroyed.

MrsZ, and this is a critical point. The pride of every BS feels greatly damaged. But kicking your spouse out and breaking up your family does not resolve that. Bruised pride goes away over time. And kicking a spouse out and ending a marriage over bruised pride does not go away over time. It is a boys act. Boys make decisions based on pride; men make decisions based on reason and logic.

It is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

I assure you that the pride of Mortarman, BigK, MrW, SMB, and many others here is not still bruised today, but they have intact families and happy marriages.

I am not denying that some just are not cut out for Plan A. I am one of them. But to make such a drastic decision over PRIDE is the stuff of boys, not men.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by iam
It will not be Marty who breaks up his family should it come to that. It will be the choice of his wife.

Marty is NOT responsible for HER choices.

Marty is responsible for HIS CHOICES. And kicking his wife to the curb over PRIDE would be his choice.

And HIS choice will be to continue his marriage living out their marriage under their VOWS (forsaking all others). That's a vow, not pride.

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Originally Posted by iam
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by iam
It will not be Marty who breaks up his family should it come to that. It will be the choice of his wife.

Marty is NOT responsible for HER choices.

Marty is responsible for HIS CHOICES. And kicking his wife to the curb over PRIDE would be his choice.

And HIS choice will be to continue his marriage living out their marriage under their VOWS (forsaking all others). That's a vow, not pride.

I think we have to deal with WHAT IS, instead what we would WANT TO BE, don't you?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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ML,

Once again, you are spinning the words of others to suit YOUR agenda.

You SPIN "Recommit to our M and agree to NC or pack your bags and leave our home." to "But to kick a spouse and your children's family to the curb over PRIDE is the act of a BOY, not a man."

Inflamatory and Innaccurate!!!

I don't see any reason to proceed straight to Plan D the next morning after WW leaves the marital home. I simply see the BH enforcing a boundary to not allow his WW to disrespect him by carrying on her ongoing A while still living in the marital home.

Let her FEEL some consequences of her actions ... proceed with exposure so everyone will know that WW had to leave the marital home because SHE wouldn't give up her OM ... let the fantasy fog evaporate with the light of truth shining on it ... basically, I'm advocating a BH taking back some measure of control over his own life ... preserving his self-respect rather than acting as his WW's doormat.

In effect, the BH is going straight to Plan B, while still maintaining his self-respect. He is simply cutting himself off from the source of his pain, while protecting any remaining love he may have for his WW. At that point, the ball is squarely in HER court.

As iam put it ... I still feel like a ***edit*** at times for NOT taking MORE ACTION ... however, if I hadn't done anything upon discovery ... I would have been homicidal/suicidal over my own SHAME.

I wish you would at least "attempt" to understand this perspective so we don't have to rehash this for every new BH who desires to ACT.

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I am so glad Melody jumped on this thread!

There IS another way to do this Marty. The Marriage Builders way. Have you read the books or articles? They will help you to understand how your marriage got to this place. They will help you understand some of the dynamics involved in affairs.

Melody is right. This is not the time for ultimatums. You have several betrayed husbands posting to you that are advocating that. That is not the MB way. Hopefully some betrayed husbands that followed the Marriage Builders way will post to you too. Following Marriage Builders does not make you a wuss. It takes tremendous strength and character to stand for your family. I have the UTMOST respect for the BH's who have done so.

I have much empathy for your wife. I was also at one time a WW. If I can, I'd like to help you understand what she's thinking.



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And I just want to add Marty -- don't make a decision on your strategy until you KNOW what you are up against.

Right now, you don't know how OM feels about your wife. You don't know if he wants her to leave you and plan a future with her -- or if she's just a piece of fun on the side.

Right now, you don't know how your wife feels about OM.

Kicking her to the curb might fit into her plans really well -- because then she point a finger at you for ending it.

You still need to SPY!

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However, I respect Melody's views a ton and she has helped me so much.

Melody, your posts about boundaries helped me develop a plan to protect my marriage. Mr Z and I have used those guidelines with Mr Z's teenage daughter as well.


Me, FWW, 2 1/2 year EA then PA
BH D-Day March 15, 2008
DD 6
Thankful to my incredible husband for his true love and gift of reconciliation
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Originally Posted by MyRevelation
I don't see any reason to proceed straight to Plan D the next morning after WW leaves the marital home. I simply see the BH enforcing a boundary to not allow his WW to disrespect him by carrying on her ongoing A while still living in the marital home.

Marty, please know that this is NOT MARRIAGE BUILDERS ADVICE, but the advice of a man who does not know how to save marriages. Dr. Harley has never suggested kicking a spouse out who wouldn't end their affair upon DEMAND. RARELY does the affair end right away and we have many recovered marriages. That is a stupid strategy that often throws the WS right into the arms of the OP.

Stick with Dr. Harleys plans, Marty, he has saved many marriages and knows what he is talking about.

Acting on pride might feel good for about 10 minutes, but worse feelings are to come when those stupid actions result in divorce of a marriage that could be saved. Acting on PRIDE is a BOY'S GAME.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by MyRevelation
I don't see any reason to proceed straight to Plan D the next morning after WW leaves the marital home. I simply see the BH enforcing a boundary to not allow his WW to disrespect him by carrying on her ongoing A while still living in the marital home.

Marty, please know that this is NOT MARRIAGE BUILDERS ADVICE, but the advice of a man who does not know how to save marriages.

I can tell you ONE marriage that MyRev has saved--OURS.


FWW me 43
BH 48
DSD 29
DSS 24
DGD 9
DGS 5
M 4/22/95
DDay 7/25/07
NC 7/26/07 broken on 7/30/07--NC since
Email: myrevfogfree@yahoo.com
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Originally Posted by MyRevelation
I simply see the BH enforcing a boundary to not allow his WW to disrespect him by carrying on her ongoing A while still living in the marital home.

Let her FEEL some consequences of her actions ... proceed with exposure so everyone will know that WW had to leave the marital home because SHE wouldn't give up her OM

MyRev, you want to show me where Dr Harley says a WS should kicked out of the marital home if she won't end her affair right away? I would like your reference for this advice.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by FogFree
Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by MyRevelation
I don't see any reason to proceed straight to Plan D the next morning after WW leaves the marital home. I simply see the BH enforcing a boundary to not allow his WW to disrespect him by carrying on her ongoing A while still living in the marital home.

Marty, please know that this is NOT MARRIAGE BUILDERS ADVICE, but the advice of a man who does not know how to save marriages.

I can tell you ONE marriage that MyRev has saved--OURS.


And I applaud him for that. I think Dr. Harley may have saved one or two more.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Marty,

If you wish to discuss this further, just reply to any of my posts.

***************EDIT****************

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
No, its not too late for workplace and OM parents exposure, however, I doubt it will end the affair right away because the affair has become so entrenched. It will hasten its death for sure. It will be no fun to carry on the affair when everyone at work is watching.

Have you met with the OM face to face?

Quote
W pays to live at home...I told her I would not support her during A/Divorce

BUT YOU ARE DOING EXACTLY THAT. Paying you rent like a boarder - WITH MARITAL INCOME - makes her believe she can ACT like a boarder and continue her affair. My suggestion would be to get her moved out legally. What is the status of your divorce?

This set up actually enables your wife's affair. She can live in the comfort and security of your home as a renter, saying she is "seperated"* and carry on her affair as if she is entitled.

*separated. to my astonishment, there are many ppl that believe moving into the spare bedroom and announcing they are "separated" means they are separated. crazy That is the craziest thing I have ever heard!

Melody,

How is this advice that you gave another poster different than what Myrev suggests?

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Marty, I apologize for the dust up on your thread, but I have to warn you that much of the advice you are getting here is coming from hotheads and is not tried and true Marriage Builders advice.

Dr. Harley is a clinical psychologist with 35 years experience saving marriages and nowhere does he advise people to kick out their spouse if they don't immediately end their affair. It is a foolish move if you have any intention of saving your marriage. And it is known that the risk of divorce is much greater when separated.

You may very well decide to end your marriage. That is your right and your prerogative. No one could fault you for that. But please understand that your marriage is very salvageable and don't make any hasty decisions. We have many happy, recovered marriage here.

On the other hand, your bruised pride is a temporary state of mind. Divorce is always painful for all involved, with very little payoff, but marital recovery, while painful, has a payoff for your marriage and your children's family.

So, please stick to MARRIAGE BUILDERS principles and don't allow temporary emotions or childish challenges to your manhood direct your actions. There is nothing manly about acting on pride.

There are several other men on MB who know MB principles, who have recovered marriages who can help you with this. Among them are Mortarman, MrW, BigKahuna, Shattereddreams, Mark1952 and others. I will put the word out and see if I can get over here.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Marty, Good luck in whichover path you decide to take.

I'm sorry your thread denegrated such that some felt it necessary to stoop to name calling.

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Aloha Marty,

I don't post much here any more, but your tread caught my attention.

I want to let you know that Mel, is watching your back here. The suggestions you're getting from her is exactly what I was told when I first got here. My W didn't come out of the fog immediately and told me they were just friends too. We are happily married now, and celebrated 25 years last year. Thanks to advice like you're getting from Mel.

Some have talked about pride and self-respect. I don't think I would have had any pride or self-respect if I just kicked my W out the door without figuring out how I contributed to the deterioration of my M and didn't do everything I could to fix that and give my W a reason to come back to the M. I would have had no self-respect if I did that and could not have held up my head after a divorce without being able to say I did everything I could to recover my M.

Read a lot, and use the tools wisely (Plan A & B, exposure, ENQ, etc.) Mortarman, Mark and the others are great resources.

Blessings.

S&C



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This is such an emotional issue, I can certainly see why people are so passionate about their viewpoints on this matter. One minute my emotions are on one end of the spectrum, then the next minute they are way over somewhere else. I am a total emotional wreck right now. I guess at the end of the day I am a person that does not make rash decisions, and if ever there was a time to stay true to this, now is that time. I am a methodical, analytical type of person. I do realize and am totally accountable for my part in the problems of our marriage, but I am just so deeply hurt right now that my W is leading this secret life of adultery. I am currently reading through as much information as possible on this fabulous website (ie: what Plan A & B are actually about) as to what the best steps to take are in this ordeal. Over the last year I have done so much personally to try and make me a better H (and ultimately a better person), and it just rocks me to my inner core that despite all of this, she is still directing her passion/energy/attention to OM. I do love my wife, and my family means absolutely everything to me. Blessings to all who have offered all their support……


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WW: 35
DD: 11,8
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D-Day: 12/26/2008, suspected 03/11/2008
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Hey Marty,

You've been here a whole two days. And the posts you've gotten so far haven't quite agreed with each other. Easy to be confused and emotionally all over the place.

You're looking over the info here, that's good. If you haven't yet, get an arsenal of books that can help; a copy of "Surviving an Affair", "Torn Asunder", "His Needs/Her Needs", maybe even "Not Just Friends" are great books to have. Start with Surviving An Affair. When you're able to get a handle on some of the info you'll start to feel a little more in control.

Take care of your health, get the best rest you can.

I know you don't want to share your W with anyone, no-one does, but there are things that work and there are things that work more often to restore marriages and get the spouses re-engaged in the M. Once you get familiar with Dr. Harley's tools, then you'll know what they are.

You might even consider "investing" in a session with one of the Harleys.

Blessings (and praying for you).

S&C

I can't believe the word ar$enal is censored



No man likes to have his intelligence or good faith questioned, especially if he has doubts about it himself. - Henry Brooks Adams
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