Exactly. She will either call everyone and say 'H has gone nuts"...OR...call everyone, confess, and say "I've been miserable for years, he is abusive, I needed to find happiness, blah, blah."

Marty,

I'm just catching up on your thread. You need more definitive proof. You may get it from voice recorders placed in her car and in the house. Be prepared.

The pain of confirmation is pretty strong. There's that little part of you that hopes she is telling the truth and you are just crazy for thinking otherwise, but that's hope. Your heart already knows the truth and you simply need that damning evidence.

Does your W use a computer? You can install a keylogger to catch her passwords and emails to whomever. That will likely give you the confirmation you need.

Don't reveal that you are tracking her cell phone use online. That is easy to see and nearly real time.

How is she treating you? I have a feeling she may not be as venemous a WW as others since you haven't really described some of the demonic behavior many of us had to deal with.

The voice recorders set to record upon sound activating them is what you want.

Put one in your bedroom. Another one in your living room.

Or skip work one day and simply wait outside your home. Watch where she goes. Or watch who comes to see her.

I really, really, really hope she's not brining this man to your house. That's a violation which would be in the almost unforgivable category. At least to me.

I was a BH who wanted to save things for the kids. I wonder, in hindsight, if I would try to save things now. Divorce and time has given me perspective on my marriage and made me see that I was married to someone who was very manipulative, constantly sick and in need of care, and who was a taker and rarely a giver regarding everything. Most of the childcare was left to nannies or to me when I came home while she was out "running errands". The best times in our marriage were when she was sick and I was taking care of her.

I hardly know of any other times.

So there is no right answer on which path you choose. But whatever you do, don't be a BH without balls. I was one and it got me nowhere.

TJ/

Mrs. Z, I'm a vet as well. Glad to see you stayed with your H and were remorseful. Didn't turn out that way on my end. Took a 3 year battle to get my rights as a father secured.

/TJ

OK, so went out and picked up a couple of the recording devices, pretty sweet things, wish I had them in university. Anyways, got home today from work and the WW asked me to go upstairs and talk. Her parents are gone for a while, and she just wants to spend the night at her parent's place alone to regroup herself, and make the world we are living in (our stressed marriage) stop for just a bit to catch her breath. In our talk, she seemed to be totally baring her soul and her desire to fix our relationship. This is a side of her I haven't seen in years, truly wanting to get us moving together and repairing the relationship.

I'm looking at this from two ends, one good and one very bad:
1) She has reached the point where she knows I am suspecting some monkey business with OM, and the guilt has cleared the fog, and she truly wants to point things in a different direction. Naive I suppose, but this move in the right direction is truly what I want.

2) She now has the time and place to be alone for a night with OM. I am going to try and put one of my recorders in the vehicle before she goes.

I know the posts have said that WS lie through their teeth, but my gut in this case is saying she is genuine in just needing some time tonight to take a quick breath from the craziness.

Any tips on what to look for "the day after" as far as anything that would suggest she was not alone tonight?

Thanks all.....

Follow her to her parent's house, camp out and see who else shows up. My bet is OM.

Sorry you are here.

Too bad you can't listen in on THAT night...

tl

cool, she and the OM have a place to meet up! With your blessing!

For the day after, I would have the semen detection test ready to test on her panties. Of course you dont really even need that to know the truth. http://www.getcheckmate.com/

p.s. if you don't have your wife followed that night, you need to have your head examined.

You should not believe anything a person in an affair says. An affairee is just like an alcoholic and will say whatever she has to say to get her next drink. And be very sincere and believable!

If you say "no" to her spending the night out at her parents...I'm betting her kindness and openness ends. She'll say and do anything for a night out with her crackpipe.

She's manipulating you for a night out with OM.

If she really wanted to work on the relationship...stay home and work on it.

I know first hand how hard it is to look a WW in the eye and want to trust this person you've known and loved for years...but if she's wayward, she's manipulating you.

I doubt you'll be able to stop her going no matter what you do. At least you have an opportunity to get your confirmation.

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - Don't get caught snooping.

If you can camp out and bust OM showing up at her parents house then you MAY (I say "may" because this is your call) decide to call her parents from your car, expose to them and then ask them if they'd like to talk to your wife on the cell phone. Go and knock on the door and tell your wife that her dad/mom wishes to speak to her.

I'm banking on the notion that her parents wouldn't be to keen on her carrying on an adulterous affair in their home.

It's just an idea.

(If OM is married...you could call his wife and do the same thing)

Mr. Wondering

This is her night alone with OM, where you leave her alone to be with OM.

OMG Marty, this is so classic WW behavior. She has a night with OM all figured out without your interference, because she knows you still trust and believe in her. She is now using that to her advantage.

Stake out at parent's house, and you will finally see the extent of betrayal.

Good Luck,

All Blessings,
Jerry

Exactly correct.

If you want to be optimistic, you could look on this as an opportunity to confirm or deny.

Look at it this way. Wouldn't wondering drive you nuts if you didn't do something to find out?

It could be they are going to a hotel.

When is she talking about going?

I think I would get a quick PI to stake it out. It is what they do all the time and they are surprisingly inexpensive.

Hi Marty,

want some more advice??? In one way you do, and in another way, you don't right?

There is a football announcer here in the states who is very famous for his announcing and as a pro coach, his name is John Madden.

He has a saying that I think really applies to your situation.
In your situation, you KNOW she is cheating at least emotionally and the odds favor physically as well.

The advice to collect intel is excellent. The suggestions of keystroke loggers, voice activated recorders, and such are good.

However, you need a bit more don't you. A PI can probably find a way to obtain those text messages. See if they can do that for you.

But, here is something you really need to do and you have started it. In the time your W has been in contact with OM has your marriage changed and if so how?

If your W continued to treat you as she does would that be satisfactory to you, if so, how, if not why?

There is no way you can decide whether or not you want to save this marriage right now, so stop trying. You cannot save it if the A continues, you might not want to when the A ends, she just may decide to leave taking that decision out of your hands.

My recommendation is in fact plan A. Most posting to you today see it as "kiss A$$". I think they are missing the whole point.

Plan A is about removing love busters from your interaction. That does not mean you cannot be honest with her, in fact you should be honest with her, but in a fashion that conveys your message NOT your anger.

You should set boundaries:

1. One boundary could be as MyRev stated: if the A doesn't stop now, and you have to prove that you have stopped, I am gone.

2. Another boundary could be stated "I will not share you emotionally or physically with another man."

3. I won't tolerate how children being hurt by your decisions.

These are not threats, they are not ultimatums, they are boundaries.

While in plan A you should set and discuss boundaries. And then there is exposure. I like exposure, but you need to have the goods not a "he said, she said" sort of thing. If you need support from her family, your family, clergy, you need to have the goods and then seek support for the marriage.

Finally, realize that the process of ending an A and having the WS go through withdrawal, and then rebuilding is a: PROCESS and takes time.

I would certainly seek the advice and help of a PI. I would obtain as much intel as you can, even secondary because it adds to the picture. I would seek the counsel of a good lawyer and find out your rights.

In summary, I would plan for success, prepare for failure and let the data tell when and what to decide.

There is no doubt you must and will take action. The only real discussion on this thread is about timing of the actions. Personally, I like data. Then I really like a good plan with lots of details and goals, once I have that I am a tough man to beat.

I sense you may be like me.

Just some thoughts.

God Bless,

JL

Tonight? She's doing it tonight? Doesn't leave you much time does it?

No time to find a sitter and follow her.

How about calling a buddy of yours to follow her?

Man oh man, she is going to meet him tonight.

WS's don't believe in "time to think". They only believe in "time to rut".

Sorry.

Find out all you can tonight.

I hope you realize you've spoiled that song for me forever! And it was a favorite, too...

tl

Marty --
As a FWW, I can tell you that there is ZERO chance that her request to "get away from the crazy world" was genuine.

ZERO.

WW's can lie beyond belief. They will swear on their childrens lives/their dead grandmothers/on anything they hold precious...
and lie right to your face.

Is there anyway for you to gain access to your in-laws home before she gets there?

Plant the recorders there.

Agree with everyone else. She wants time to focus on OM. If she wanted to clear her head and work on the M she'd be at home, working on the M.

If you get a keylogger (excellent advice, IMO) then be sure to reboot the PC and play with the PC a bit and run any virus scanners to make sure they don't think the keylogger is a virus. You may have to tell your virus scanner to ignore that particular application.

Marty, do you have an update?

Not sure if this night already happened. If not, hire a PI. You will want to not only stake out the parents' home, but also have her followed. She may be getting a motel room, and the whole parents' thing was just a deflection. Either way, she is planning a fling with OM, no doubt about it.

Cover both angles and get your answer!

The reasoning behind this is as follows. If you tell your WW that you're going to expose, then she will immediately talk to OM. She'll start telling her parents and friends "I'm so worried about Marty99. We've been having problems and I've tried talking to him until I'm blue in the face but he's totally unreasonable. He's controlling and angry all the time. He's paranoid for no reason. He accuses me of insane things and stalks me. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Thank heavens I have my two good girlfriends Thelma and Louise to talk to, and one male friend who understands too. It's nice being able to talk to OM, he's the one voice of sanity in all this and he offers insights from a male perspective. If it weren't for him I think Marty99 and I would be divorced already."

So NO.
Don't tell your WW you're going to expose. Just do it.

Okay, it is unanimous! As you can see, what she is doing is all straight from the Wayward Wife Handbook, under the chapter entitled "I need Some Space to Think."

JL had a great post about data and getting your plans together. Remember, she has NO plans...she is flying by the seat of her pants. Having a plan is better than having no plan!!

And MelodyLane is correct...if you dont take this opportunity to follow her and see what is up, you will miss your single best opportunity to catch them in the act.

Now, find a babysitter and go...or hire a PI if you can. Or get a brother or friend to do it for you. But get the goods!

Now, if you go, and the OM shows up there...dont run in and bang on the door and demand an explanation. The hardest thing you will do is to restrain from stopping them. But you must! Why? Because if you do, it will be spun as they are just friends and he came over to have cake and watch a movie...and you are crazy!

The best thing is for you, or a friend or the PI to catch him going in and then note when he leaves. I hired a PI only on the nights I KNEW they would try to be together. So, the PI got there before my wife showed up at the Troll's house, and then snapped photos of her going in. And then in the morning, he snapped photos of the two of them leaving togther. Must have been a long movie, huh??? :RollieEyes:

Get your recorders in place now. Then make sure you do not miss out on this opportunity. Again, as was said above...DO NOT GET CAUGHT!! The idea is to get facts, and in a way that she nor anyone else can refute.

Once you have the facts, do not expose until you come back here and talk with us. Your emotions will be running wild and yo uwill want to go off on her. But, exposure is a planned event too.

This is war, and yo uare the commander on the ground. Treat it as such. Get your intel, and then we will plan for your counterattack!