I just found out about Marriage Builders and have been reading different threads off an on for about 10 days. It is time to get my story out.. Any comments, insight, recommendations as to how and what I have been doing would be greatly appreciated.

My WW started to crazy about 6 days after her 45 Bday when a close personal friend of both of ours died. He was 45 years old. I have real hard time showing emotion and was in disbelieve. Went to the wake and funeral it was very emotion for me. 1st time I've cried in 10 years.

My wife started going out 2-3 times a week and starting to get home around 2am. I thought something was up. She had for the past 6 months been hanging out w/ a new divorced tramp of a friend. On the sunday the 6th of Dec she told me she went shopping came home late drunk off her [censored]; my 2 kids were gone,she couldn't be reached by cellphone, a brisket in put in the oven was still cooking 45 minutes after the buzzer went off. I checked her van and not 1 bag of presents to be found.
I confronted her and told her to get out of the house before I do something stupid. She left that night telling everyone I over reacted about the brisket.

She came home and we talked about me opening up more to her sharing things with, ect.. All the key love banks that a wife needs that I was horrible prepared to give a female from my upbringing. Tuesday nite we went out to dinner alone, talked about how I need to get in touch with her more, go on more dates, fill her emotional cup; we came home got intimate I thought progress was made. I was starting to know of my short comings.

Wednesday she lies to me about going see some friends leaves house immediately @ 5:15 gets home @ 2:00am.. Next day I told to leave the house and get out of town for 4-5 days something is going on and she needs to figure out what the hell she wants. She breaks down and tells me nobody gets her, she doesn't know what she wants, nobody listens. she stays at a girlfriends house and leaves for Denver Sat AM to stays with a girlfriend. She calls me Saturday before getting the plane and tells me to put more minutes on our cellphone so we don't run over like previous month.

BINGO THE BOMB GOES OFF!! thru the phone records I notice she has been calling an unknown number to me about 90 times in the last 3 weeks. I call it and a guy named Mike answers it. This all started right after our friends death. It is like she snapped.

I asked her about the phone # when she landed in Denver got the typically BS I don't kwow who # it is maybe a client, I said BS 90 calls to a guy named Mike. her response is were just friends, he someone I can talk to. I asked is he your boyfriend she says maybe, I ask have the been initamte, she asks in what way. cuddling, having sex, She responds something like that. I hung up.

It felt like a bomb exploded inside me. I could not believe any of it. I was so clueless. She has been now living from girl friend to girl friend house. We went to see a MC which see first refused to talk about how to handle Xmas and our boys 9th BDAY over the next 10 days. We were told to tell them Mom needs a vacation to get herself better. She stayed at the house on the 24 and 25 for Xmas then left. She stayed over 29th for our boys 9th BDay. She mainly just hid up in the bedroom while I supervised the 4 boys during the sleepover. Next morning left and has not stayed over since.

We have been to more MC sessions trying t work on communicating skills. My wife can only say she doesn't know what she wants, and I need to be fixed 1st. Basically screw everyone else in the family; I come first.

I have read Dr Hartleys His Needs/Her Needs book and found out I was killing her love bank in 4 of 5 areas. Never know how to do this, my upbringing was 5 boys 7 years apart, Mom used the boot camp approach to keep us in line. Rarely any love shown, boys don't cry method.

ANOTHER SHOCKER on Monday after wife went to her own therapist; I found out she had a 3 minute cellphone call w/ a divorce attorney. Tuesday AM found out and I immediately went to courthouse and filed a petition for Divorce. the state of KS gives the upper hand to whom ever files first. That was me. First to file gets to stay in the house. I work out of my home.

I asked WW if she wants to work this out,(I don't know) have you talked to anyone about a divorce. (no, lie), Do you want a divorce. ( i don't know what I want) She thinks that a magic pill is going to prescribed to her and everything will be just fine. She is handling her anxiety now by drinking heavily. been going on for 8-9 months, really bad last 3 months.

I have not had her served the divorce petition yet, just covering my interests. I don't know if or when I should have the papers served. WW is in such a fragile state of mind I don't want to screw up any hope of her coming back. I'm Trying to get her back but seems like a lost cause.

Please reply sorry about length.

In Limbo

Part 2

WW has some other issues that are confronting/haunting before i even met 24 years ago. She was raised to be co-dependant - just take it, giving her a very low self esteem, resents her mother greatly because of this. In high school she had sex with the wrestling coach exact details not known, Dated raped a cousin, and date raped on a date. All of these demons are contributing to her breakdown. WW is going to get blood work done, is pre - menapausal. Hot flashes at night, sweating thru 2-3 t-shirts some nights. All of the body changes are making her act like the aliens are winning in the take over.

I don't know when, if, how I should serve the divorce papers. I don't have a good address.

I am trying to make time for her to see the kids more; I know it is killing her to feel like she has walked out on them.

Please help me with any and all insights.

PS: the day I confronted her about the OM she had 2 short phone calls that day. None since as far as I know.

Hang in there Limbo! There is great support and wisdom on these boards. Much better than me.

My advice is to read, read, read and read more here. And take time to think about what YOU want. Not what's best for the kids or WW, or anything else...just YOU.

It's early today, but expect lots of replies as the day goes on.

Hang in there!

First, you are positng here, a pro marriage site, so I assume you want help recovering your marriage? Right?

I am sorry that things are so messed up for you, and that you are in this situation.

To help the people here help you- they are going to want more information...

How long have you known your wife?

How long have you been married?

How many children do you have?

Any step children?

Was your marriage a happy one? Ever? If so, how long?

Do you want to save this marriage?

You sound like you have tremendous concern for your wife's welfare. That is good...as long as you balance it out with concern for YOUR welfare and the welfare of your family.

The first step in recovery from an A is exposure.

But before that, you need to gather all the facts about the A.

Read everything you can here first, about Dr. H's plans to recover a marriage. Either way you decide to go-- it is going to be years of hard work... and a lot of emotional pain.

There are very smart people here. If you have any chance of recovering this M, this is the absolute best place to get advice.

HERE ARE THE BEST PIECES OF ADVICE I CAN GIVE YOU:
A. Study the info on this site
B. RESIGN YOURSELF TO MAKING NO BIG DESCISIONS FOR AT LEAST 6 MONTHS (some say 1 year)--Read about Love Busters and for now try not to do any.
C. Go to your Doctor and get some mild anti anxiety medications. They will help you.

Hope this helps you

Hi In Limbo,

Welcome to MB. Please take a moment to help some of us with glazy-eye syndrome and break up your lengthy post with paragraphs. That makes it easier for many to read and you'll most likely get more responses that way.

Thanks, and again, WELCOME! Glad you're here but sad for your situation (sitch).

Ace

So, are you working on those 4 out of 5 areas you were lacking before? If so, how are you showing her?

As far as a Plan A goes, besides fulfilling those areas, have you told everyone about Mike? Have you told her you will not accept a M with Mike in it...ever. As far as IC, my H and I have been through quite a few and most moved toward talking about D pretty quickly... Ask if she will consider seeing a pro-marriage IC.

Short Overview

Met wife in college, was the most beautiful person I ever met.

Dated 8 years then got married , Married for 16 1/2 years.

To children girl 11 1/2 boy just turned 9.

Our marriage once was very happy. Kids come life takes it toll.

We decided it would be best if WW would stay home and raise the kids. She is having a great deal of anxiety over if this was a mistake now.

I bought a really nice necklace for XMAS , really caught her off guard. She was everyday. I am trying to work on the Love Busters and fill her love bank its hard to show her when she isn't around. I tell her I love, try give hugs but she repels them.

Her moods swing right now are frustrating. sometimes it seems like she is warming up other times mad, cold and distant. She is so tired of talking about it.

Kind of ironic that all her close friends that think she is making a wrong decision she won't talk to or call back. Only her bitter divorce friends (drinking buddies) can she find time for.

Hope this helps clarify my situation.

In limbo

to Barbiecat: yes WW knows that I know about Mike. She met him in a bar drinking and dancing. Lasted about 20 days of phone calls I think they saw each other about 5 times. WW never spent the night always came home. (2:00 PM) I know that is still enoughh time for all the wrong things to happen. I think i caught the addition to the OM in time for it to be really serious attachment.

Her cell phone records indicate she cut off contact the day I let her know off the the the calls and his name. She was out of town @ a girlfriends upon my suggestion. The 4 hour rule - 4 hours away will get far enough from your daily bad habit inducing friends.

Not sure of how much Physical affair the had. WW told me the would cuddle and a litle more. I think was like Monica Lewiinski.

Emotional I know my WW was addicted like a little school girl. calls 1st thing in the morning when she leaves the house. Calls to let him know she got home.

I don't want to act hasty and throw 25 years out the window. because I feel hurt, resentful, etc. I want to help her get her demons out and get fixed/healed emotionally.

Kicked her out 30 days ago; she misses kids tremendously. I am not using kids as way to get even. I think she can start to get repaired from home easier then living out of suitcase like a hobo.

What plan works for someone has stopping seeing OM but doesn't know what they want? Only thinking in the now. Has even wanted think about how it effects anyone else.

what steps are next?