Go for temporary custody. Temporary orders have a habit of becoming permanent ones.

A background check is cheaper than $350. You can get one for about $100.

You can also do it online on your own for even less but PIs have better resources.

My attorney is very experienced and is an acting judge himself. He knows the way the other judges will think and act about everything that I suggest to him.

It's not that he doesn't want to fight for me. He just knows exactly what will and won't work to our judges and is saving me a lot of time and money to do things that will actually work.

By him calling her attorney to ask him to talk to her about letting me see my son, he his only strengthening our position that we did everything we could to be reasonable to get WW to let our son spend time with his Dad. When WW continues to deny our son time with me, she will just put more nails in her coffin.

I do think that my attorney underestimates the stubbornness of WW. He's in for a treat. I don't think she is going to budge on this. She's totally mental.

And if she does return our son to me before the court date, I am going to keep him for an equal period of time that she had him. I will not tell her where he is staying for day care next time. I will let her visit our son in our home, however, because I am not going to be evil like she is and deny our son contact with one of his parents.

I'm going to call ex-H1 today and ask him what he found out from his daughter about the sleeping arrangement at the apartment and to find out if he found anything about OM's background. If not, I'll prob order my own background check. OM was awarded full custody of his two children, so I would think that he has a clean record but it's best to be safe...

I miss my son more than EVER!!!!!!!!!!!

BTW, I was assigned a female judge. Hope she comes down hard on WW..

Play your cards right. Your motivation is getting time with your son, not revenge on your ex.

Just keep that in mind.

Listen to your attorney. He knows the game better than anyone.

I would make sure that you document A LOT about how you let her have access to your son.

But be careful that it doesn't come off as you wanting to use your son as a bargaining chip or as a means to get her back home.

I think you're better off letting her appear like the one denying you.

LISTEN to your lawyer. Do as he instructs.

Her attorney will encourage her to let you see your son.

You have to adjust to the fact that you won't see him daily. It sucks, but that's the path she chose for your family.

Thanks Pom. I appreciate your advice and your company as I go through this. I also appreciate everyone else who has been contributing opinions and being with me through this.

Strange thing happened today. I was feeling myself let go of my WW, emotionally. It was a feeling of relief and freedom, but in a bitter-sweet way. I was actually thinking that I might like to get to know other woman and I've enjoyed being myself and the solitude.

Tonight, I checked my email and received an email from WW. She talked about my son and how he is doing and also about my step-children and how they are doing. Here is a snippet of the latter end of the email:

I actually miss you and wish things had not come to this. I would loved for there to be as little change as possible. Change is inevitable, but I wanted for you to be with [our son] ALOT and also see [step-son] ....and sometimes [step-daughter] (although thats a harder one to pull, ya know). My heart has been breaking for you and for this. I don't know what the next step is. I REALLY WISH IT WAS NOT LIKE THIS! I am working with my lawyer...but I have also decided to discuss things with my Bishop. I hope he will have some insight that I cannot get elsewhere. I want you to be with [our son]. I want to know that you won't do what you did before. I don't know what to do......

There are lots of prayers for you being said here (and for us too). There is nothing unkind being said about you. I wont allow it...there is no point.

Maybe we can talk soon.

My initial feelings are mostly distrustful. Obviously the reality of her situation is sinking in:

1) She is a nearly thrice divorced mother of three kids from three baby-daddies
2) She's flat out broke
3) She lives in the ghetto
4) She's having an affair with Larry the Cable Guy
5) She has a good chance of losing custody of our son

Hmmm, not too smart of her. I am not going to reply back to her right away. I'm certainly not going to let my guard down. As far as I am concerned nothing has changed.

I am not going to work on recovery with her unless she takes some major steps and it would require months of her seeing a counselor while being separated. In fact, I would not reconcile until the legal separation with custody agreement is finalized because she may be attempting to trick me because she knows she's screwed (<-- sheesh, "screwed" isn't a bad word!) up royally...

Am I being too harsh? Any thoughts?

Do not have any pity for her what so ever! This is her CHOICE! There is another much better option and she has chosen to decline your offer

My best guess is that her lawyer told her that she'd better let you spend some time w/ your son.

But, she's afraid you might want him longer than she wants you to. She's probably hoping that you will promise to be "good" and only keep him for as long as she wants....be like her other Hs.

You have gottan a taste of how Plan B feels. But, you're not there yet.

She's opened the door for you to plan A her a bit. Take advantage of it. Tell her what you miss about her. Remind her that you still hope and desire that you can recover your M.

You don't want to over do it. Maybe only a line or two.

And stay firm on your postion on custody.

Silence will drive her crazy. Don't respond.

Also, continue to move forward. This is a play on your emotions and your desire for hope. I had the same crap pulled on me. Was told there was hope and that this would be temporary, etc.

These plays on your emotions are to make you hesitate, have doubts, not be strong, and not put up a fight.

It's manipulation of the highest degree.

DO NOT fall for it.

Silence. Don't respond.

Hi erichh,

Glad to hear you are feeling some relief from the all the drama. As for the email, I think WW is baiting you and hopes you respond with something she can use in her favor...like telling her you wish things weren't this way either and that she's really a great mother. Ding ding...I got him**runs to her attorney**...see he even says I'm a great mother, blah, blah.

Her heart is breaking for you? Riiiiiiiiight.

She's now seeking religion and praying for you...what a good woman? Riiiiiiight.

She's so upstanding she won't let anyone speak ill of you either? Riiiiiiiiight.

If I remember correctly WW not only threw you under the bus upteen times she wanted to park it on you?

Don't fall for it. She can't be trusted.

Unfortunately, WW can not be trusted at all. I recall a conversation I had with ex-H1 recently. He said that she would try something like this because she did it to him too.

He said that she wanted to have dinner with him. They met at a restaurant and she told him that she wanted to try to make things work. He got his hopes up. But he was stabbed through the heart shortly after.

What happened, according to ex-H1, is that her and her OM at the time broke up. She was pregnant with OM's kid. After she and OM broke up, she went back to her hubber to try to reconcile. Once her and OM got back together, she gave her hubby the finger (figuratively speaking), divorced him, and married OM.

Yikes. I am not falling for her little "epiphany." I'm just trying to think of what to reply back with. I AM grateful for the info she shared with me about our kids. For me, reading about them was like a starving man devouring a morsel of food. But she is the reason i don't get to be with them in the first place!

I suppose I want to tell her how very displeased I am and that I am still going through with the custody because I feel it is best for our son. I want to tell her that I desired for our marriage to reconcile but don't know right now what it would take for that to happen. It would be a loooooong difficult road and I am not sure it is the right road to take at this point.

I am not sure. I may not reply by email at all. I need to sleep on this..

Yes, E, she is totally TRYING to manipulate you.

However, she has opened the door to receive a few ENs from you, and that is what Plan A is all about.

You don't have to map out your entire recovery plan, just meet one or two of her ENs.

Hang in there! We're all praying for you!

I have to borrow a line from Princess Leia in The Empire Strikes Back on this one, erichh...

"It's a trap, Luke!!! It's a TRAP!!!"

Charlotte

It's very likely that the email was for her benefit and not yours. Watch for it to be pulled out as evidence at any custody hearing to demonstrate her "sincerity".

As far as I see, there are two possible ways to respond:

1. Don't respond at all.
2. Respond, with a brief message, refuting her veiled accusation that you kept her from the children, and that you do wish to see the children as well, but it was her choices that led to this situation and it her choice to continue to block you from seeing your sone. Make it clear that you see her e-mail only as an attempt at manipulation rather than any form of reconciliation, and you'll be cc'ing a copy to your lawyer, along with your response.

Normally, I would be of the mind to NOT respond at all. But since you are in a custody battle fight now, leaving any unanswered accusations may hurt you.

So I think ManinMotion has the right idea here.

Maybe try this: "Mrs. Eric, I too wanted as little change as possible to both our son, as well as you and I. Of course, that is only possible within our marriage and family. As I told you before, our family and marriage being intact and thriving is the best thing for all of us.

When you decided to leave, I told you that you were welcome to visitation and that we could work out the specifics of that. Never were you kept from our son, nor would I ever do so. You knew that. So the only thing that I can reasonably conclude here is that there are other reasons why you have done this.

I appreciate hearing about the kids, as I miss them (as well as you). I know the path I have chosen here is the one God wants and has commanded of me, of this family and even you. He has promised a marriage and family life that all of us want and need. I have chosen to accept that promise and follow His lead.

You, of course, are free to make your own decisions on whether to follow Him. I cannot make you do anything. The only thing I can do is to point out the obvious direction that He wants you to pursue.

In the meantime, I must continue to be a husband and father and do what is best for our family. I must protect it and those in it, including you. Our son, me and even you belong in our home together.

Whatever happens from this point on, you must understand that I do it out of love for you, for the kids and this family. And trying to do what is best for all of us."

I believe that you have to do two things. Yes, you must look at opportunities to meet ENs. But at the same time, you must protect your family. And while protecting the family may tick her off at times, doing so is not an LB. Again, I think by what you wrote of her relationships in the past that she has had weak men, who didnt put a lot of effort into trying to keep her...or even stand up for their family and kids. It seems they just accepted the status quo of the woman gets the kids and the man cuts the check.

You are doing something different. She doesnt understand it. And doesnt trust it. She thought you would just lay down like the rest. But you havent.

So, what I wrote has to basically be your mantra, repeated over and over and over again. She wants to bring up prayers and talking to the Bishop. First off, the Bible says that God doesnt even hear her prayers right now, as she is NOT in fellowship with Him. Secon,d if the Bishop is worth his salt, he will be telling her where she stands with God...and it isnt good! But please remember, you cannot educate her!

Your mantra is to be that the family and marriage are the goal. That you are not out for you, but for the family, the kids, and even her. That you are following what has been commanded of you by God. That everything you do now and in the future will be to that end.

So, I would say to email her back something like I wrote...and stay on that. Do not let her draw you into the "normalcy" of divorce. A part of your mantra (which I said over and over to my wife) is that you do marriage, your attorney does divorce. Thus you refuse to discuss divorce.

So, I would say answer her back, if for no other reason than to again get on record that you have not agree to her taking your son and that you have never kept your son from her. If you notice in what I wrote, I never tried to educate her. I just stated facts!

So, keep at it. It is a chess game right now. She could just be playing you, as her background has shown. Or, because of you doing what is right, she may have some possible feelings flowing there. Who knows? But no matter which it is, your plan of action is still the same.

I think this might be a little much. WW is already screaming erichh is nutty and held their son hostage. WW could cry something like...see your Honor, I have to put up with BH calling me a manipulator and even when I try to be nice he's nasty. I just can't win with him *sniff sniff*.

It may be okay if he said this in a phone call but I wouldn't put it in writing or just leave it out all together.

erichh, has your wife attended church regularly or did she just become religious yesterday?

Ask you lawyer how/if to respond and take his advice.

It might be better for him to respond.

Don't let her sweet talk you. Look at her actions, not her words..

Wow MM, that example letter is exactly what I want to say. I don't know if I could have put it so eloquently. I will send her an email today, saying essentially what you put in your example letter (cut and paste?).

Thanks for keeping up with all this. I really do wish that I could trust WW. Maybe there are some half truths in her email but I just don't know. She's lied to me so many times and she is doing exactly what she did to her first ex-husband.

After I said my prayers last night, I had the impression that she was sending the email at this time because this weekend is the weekend when her other two children go to their Dads' houses. She cherishes her weekends off from the kids and she won't get that if she has our boy the whole time.

I'm sure she wants to spend this weekend with her OM like she has been doing on her weekends "off." OM has his kids every other weekend and will have his kids this weekend so the only way WW can see him is if she goes there this weekend.

Maybe she even wants to work a part-time weekend job. She is broke.

Ex-H1 told me that he got an email from WW recently asking him to help pay for step-daughter's viola lessens because she is cutting back on her expenses. Obviously, she doesn't have much money and I don't know how she can afford an attorney in the first place unless she convinced him to take an "I owe you" and hope to get some kind of assets from me out of the D.

She has not attended church regularly since about 4 months after our marriage. After she reached her teenage years, she quit going to church and has returned to church in cycles. She was apparently at a high point when we met and had been going to church regularly for about a year. She has gone intermittently during our marriage but only to take the kids to Sunday School.

I took our son to church once he was old enough to participate in the activities for the youngest children. She wouldn't allow me to take the step-children because she didn't think that I could handle taking care of them at church.

I have seen her kneeling at her bedside praying a couple of times. She does pray with the children before they go to bed every day. She even reads a scripture or two to them before bed.

She feels that the kids should be taught religion and she knows that she should be following it, but I guess she's practicing the old "do as I say, not as I do" pattern.

Great email, Mortarman!

Exactly the perfect tone you want to strike w/ her, E!

Thank you for your encouragement and prayers!!

erich,

I respect MM a great deal, but allow me to disagree with him and other posters.

The way I see it, your wife is a "in love with falling in love" type of woman. She's addicted to that stage in relationships (this is a common problem). So once the endorphins and honeymoom period wear off she's thinking "I don't feel the same as I use to, I must not love him anymore".

So off she goes to find another man who gives her those feelings.

YOU arent' going to change that with Plan A, B, C, or D.

She's a broken soul and you're now in the battle of your life to stay relevant in the life of your son and not be reduced to the status of her numerous ex husbands.

So don't respond. Here's the problem with responding (and where I respectfully disagree with MM): People in the system make up their own minds. They don't see an email from her and automatically assume that her version of things is how things are. I learned this the hard way, but it took hearing it from someone in the system for me to feel at peace about it. They understand that she has her version of events and that you have yours.

This is why you can't get into a tit for tat response to every email she sends with veiled accusations.

The only thing you should communicate at this point is logistical things relating to your son. When you'll meet her her to get him, where, and what time.

That's it.

Defending every veiled accusation she makes will trap you in a defensive response mode where you will slowly escalate your responses to end up exploding in anger at what she sends you.

So don't be baited into it. This where "pushing your buttons" comes into play from a legal standpoint. I'll admit that my exww was very good at this. It never failed that shortly before we went to court at any time or had to deal with someone in the system at any time she would send me accusatory emails or would instigate an argument.

Well, her attorney took one email response of mine and twisted it around to a point where it was completely out of context.

So yes, you're litigating and in a custody fight, but that means you simply take her emails, document that you're not doing this, and give it to your lawyer.

The quieter you get, the more crazy she'll get. Strange but true.

So I respectfully disagree with the others here about responding. My ideas come from lessons learned through my own legal battle and from therapy.

Remember this: He who angers you controls you.

So don't let her control you and don't respond to any messages she sends unless they deal directly with logistics pertaining to your son.

This woman is so broken that I don't see you saving this marriage. But teach her a lesson in the process. You're not like her ex husbands and you won't settle with a serial adulterer/marriage carousel woman having primary custody of your son.

Your son deserves more stability that this.

SO DON'T RESPOND!

But that's my point of view. MM successfully fought for custody and I successfully fought for my rights as a father (though didn't get primary custody).

We've both battled in the legal system and both did ok. So take it for what it's worth.