I guess that's all part of emerging out the other side of this a better person.... and more apt to find and establish a more stable, and lasting relationship in the future. Comes from the work we've done on ourselves through this process.

Don't worry folks.. I'm not -dwelling- on this today. Lord knows I've been much too busy a work to really let myself wonder about this.

Honestly, it comes and goes in passing thoughts.. and I recognize the feelings for what they are. And you're right guys.. it's probably a bit of both.

I suppose if this didn't in any way affect DS's life at this juncture I really probably wouldn't worry about it at all.. but I just see hardship ahead.. I'll be doing what I can to protect DS and encourage him to be as good a big brother as he is a little brother... God only knows that kid will need a good big brother throughout his/her life..


You're right SD.. without her DS wouldn't be in my life, and I'd certainly never change that. There's a lot of other things I'd change.. but never that.

More time with DS could be on the horizon........


Fox

There could be hardship in his life even if his parents remained together. You cannot foresee what may or may not be.

I have worried a great deal over moving my son away from what he has become accustomed to; worrying over the struggle that comes with change. I haven't even moved yet and am worrying myself over what MAY be.

Now, I remember moving as a child, to Germany, and how, initially, it was a difficult transition (I was about a year older than my son is now), HOWEVER, I remember also how much fun I had, how cool it was to be in a foreign country, seeing the sights, making German friends, really being emmersed in the culture. It was one of the best experiences of my life. It probably would have been even better had my mother really been happy with my step father, and had my sister dealt with the change better.

As for me, I look at that time in my life as one of the best; transition difficulties and all...

So, I'm trying to look at today, and the NEAR future, and recognize that DS has TWO influences in his life, his dad and me, and I PLAN on being a happy, healthy mom, who teaches him that life may be tough, but can give you such great rewards.

Well.. ended up with a little more time with DS today. Not the way I'd have liked to. Poor lil fella came down with the stomache bug.

Not sure though where you're going with this. What are your thoughts here Foxy.. I feel like I'm missing something.

This is true.. but I do know my ex, and I know that she really doesn't plan more than a step or two ahead, and she wants what she wants regardless of the practicalities or consequences. She and WB are already having difficulty making it financially month to month just with the poor choices she's made in choosing a place to live.

I invested so much of myself as well as financially into lifting her out of the terrible situation she was in when we met, and I just see her spiralling back into the dreck.. only difference is that I'm not going to be there to pull her out again. I just hate to see DS or DSD get dragged back down with her.


I plan to do the same with DS. I really can't stop his mom from ruining her life.. and unfortunately I can't help DSD from suffering for it, but I can do what I can do for DS... and I'm still socking what I can back for DD, DS, and even DSD to be able to go to college when they graduate High School.. I can at least give them that leg up.

I'm sure your DS will adjust fine to the move, and honestly, getting him into a new environment might be a real blessing and give him a 'clean' start on a new life, right along with his wonderful momma.

This hardship for my DS is different.. this was wholly avoidable, and based purely on the selfishness and bad choices resulting from his momma's affair. It's just sad really.

I hear you, James. I know our sitch's are different, in quite a few ways, including the fact that the Z had multiple A's.

IMO, his affairs were a means to an END to our M. He wanted out, and took the easy route. I don't know if it's fortunate or not, but I do believe it's better for DS that this happened when he was younger. The fact that it happened at ALL sux.

I think Foxy may be hinting at the fact that either your XW will screw up and you can then petition for more custody, OR she will begin her NEW life with Milk Dud and sort of scoot DS into a corner, at which time you can say, "Hey, I'll take him" and then get it written up and legal and all that jazz.

Who knows, in the end, you may end up with physical custody and she has visitation...

Right there with ya.


We'll see.. honestly, regardless of the circumstances I think even the little bit of support she's getting now is too much for her to give up, even if it's clearly in DS's best interest... and now that everything is final, it's going to be that much harder to show cause for challenging custody. My best bet is to wait until she screws up and asks the court to raise the support amount...

Yep, that's what I was getting at.

You also may just end up getting him more.....not necessarily anything written in stone, but just more time with him "unofficially." She could get overwhelmed with a new baby, stuggling finances, unstable relationship with WB, complaining DS and DSD.

You will still be an easy way for her to lighten her burden.

She reminds me so much of WxH's Babs. It's more about the "appearance" than the best interests of their children.

You may pay the same in support, you may not ever have anything in writing, but you certainly may get more time.

Fox

I could potentially see this happening, though I'm sure if it does it will be much farther down the road..

I don't mean to sound cynical about it.. but I guess right now the 'cold war' is still pretty much a glowing ember, so she's very aware of anything that might eventually give me an upper hand in a custody situation, even if DS is better off..



Maybe in time things will improve.

Oh, I agree. It may be awhile. As DS gets older.....I can see her giving up.

I totally get the "cold war" thing, too. WxH and I are certainly there. And will be for some time. That's why I am trying to get everything done ASAP. The cold war won't end until the actions being perceived as "attacks" come to end.

He doesn't realize I am not "attacking" him - I am standing for DDs and I and doing what is necessary to care for them.

Fox

Oh but if he admitted that Foxy.. he'd be taking himself out of the 'victim' and 'entitlement' mentality.

It's easier to face life every day with the crazy, cranky, money hungry ex you know.

Hi James,

Just caught up with your thread.

Your DS is lucky to have you as a Dad. Keep doing what you are doing.

...as we are all here doing the same - making the best use of our mistakes....and 'when we know better, to do better'.

Or as in my case, the BS that "makes it impossible to be nice!"

Unless of course, Drac needs something from me! THAT is when it gets really weird, IMHO. When they flip flop back & forth on whether or not you, the BS, are the total enemy or someone that they can still possibly manipulate!

James, one day at a time buddy. You've been doing well with that approach, so keep it going!

What are the date plans for the weekend,,,or is it a DS weekend?

Luna

Thanks for the kind words Luna.. I know I haven't been posting much but I have been keeping up with you as I can. Certainly keeping you in my prayers lately.

Bugsy.. I too, make it impossible to be nice. I really think a lot of that is that we have learned about boundaries and enforce them, rather than to continue to engage in the passive/aggressive push-pull that characterized at least my marriage relationship. When we don't allow the infidels to dump their garbage on our lawns, we make it impossible to be nice. I, of course equate that to my 4yr old telling me what a big meanie I am when I tell him he can't have a Reesie's Cup until after dinner.

Yup.. still taking things as they come. The whole one day at a time thing really does take a lot of the worrying and stress away, and keeps me pretty grounded in what is going on around me. Plan is to continue using that philosophy unless it starts developing too many holes for things to fall through.


No DS this weekend, and as much as I hate to admit it, I'm kind of looking forward to not being 'on duty' so to speak. Not that I mind taking care of him when he's sick as I did yesterday, but I've pretty much gone two weeks straight at this point without a break.. so I'm looking forward to some 'me' time.

Last night after the IQ picked him up though was really my only chance to truly relax, so I capitalized on it and pretty much vegged in front of the TV. Tonight I have a Father Daughter Dance with DD through the Girl Scouts, which I'm really looking forward to.. then Saturday and Sunday in the AM hours I'm going to be running the timing/scoring table for our community swim club's home meet while DD is competing. It'll be my first time with the new software, so hopefully I'll be able to pick it up pretty quickly. Tomorrow night though is date night with the lady from a few counties over.. the one with the three boys. Oddly enough we're going to be meeting up in the town where the other woman I've sort of been talking to lives. Now I've been completely open with both of them, and nothing 'serious' has developed with either.. but I still kind of feel a little weird about it... like I might need to look over my shoulder even though I'm not doing anything wrong or dishonest.. Heh.. guess I'm just sensitive to how it might feel.. Haven't even been out with the other one yet.. so I really don't know.

As far as I'm concerned though, it's just dinner and some conversation.. taking things slow.. real slow, and exploring my options.

I hear you on this one. I'm ready for a little break myself. I've had them since Christmas day but my opportunity comes next weekend. Sunday, I'm having a get together with friends again at my house! I invited more ppl than I did last time! Looking forward to it!


I think that just stems from being in a relationship and being loyal...I had the same feeling...I certainly don't want to give anyone the idea that I'm the cheating sort...being that loyalty and honesty is so ingrain in my morals...I certainly don't want to do what's been done to me and I ahve a problem with where's that line at...

Just make sure you bring a towel to the meet. You don't want to screw up the timing/scoring table cause you got pig snot on your hands.

yeah, that goes for the date too

"What's that on your ear? Is that hair gel?"

Nice one BC... but that doesn't usually go so well for us bald dudes

I'll leave the pig snot at home


As for Rin's response.. I think you're probably right.

Though now I feel a bit conflicted about looking for loyalty while I play the field..

Ugh..

I used to love paradoxes..

I didn't mean that I was looking for it right now...it's a self thing...I'm the one who has been loyal and honest in my M and it's creating some problems for me in the dating world...wondering "should I be doing this?" Then, I ahve to say to self: 'Self, you are fine...you have no commitment to anyone!"

The whole dating thing has been giving me fits right now...starting with finding someone worthy of the Rinster time who does not do drugs or drink excessively...I'm not about to go on a date with anyone who does drugs! Not wasting my time, even for a free dinner!

Then of course, I can't date during the week, I ahve to wait until the kids are with POWS. Of course, there was that one guys who invited me and the kids to go play putt putt golf, but that never happened!

I'm overdue for a date!

pig snot

Hi James,


I am with you on this one, James, and re-evaluate if need be.