I am 34 and have been married to my H for 12 years...we have two children (girls) ages 10 & 11. I had an affair that lasted for about 10 months. My husband found out about my affair about 7 months ago....and, I told him everything. I have severed all ties with the OM.

My H just can't seem to cope with it. I told him that I love him and I wan't to work things out. We have good days and bad days. His biggest problem with the whole thing is that he wants a specific reason as to why I had the affair. I don't know why...evidently, I was attracted to the OM, but people are attracted to each other every day, and they don't have affairs. I don't know if it was the fact that we were in a routine, and the everyday stresses just go to me....and seeing the OM was exciting....I just don't know.

I told my H that I feel more in love with him now than before the affair. I think it's b/c I know that I jeopardized everything and hurt the love of my life....I took his love for granted.....and, now I just want to do everything in my power to make him love me again, and hopefully forgive what I did.

How do I help my H get past all of the hurt. I just want to make all his pain go away. Please give me some advice

You can't make his pain go away. It's a permanent consequence of his love of you and your disregard of that love.

Hopefully some FWW's can help you.

I do realize that the hurt will always be there......but, one day he seems fine, tells me that he still loves me, and that it is what it is & that we just need to work things out.....glad that I stayed......but then the next day he's telling me that he thinks we should spend time away from one another, because he just doesn't feel the same way about me.

I keep telling myself that it's normal for him to do this, but I don't know. I've never been through this before, and I don't know what normal is. I'm just looking for some guidance.

Parkjee,

Thanks from coming here. And guess what? Unlike what has been told you, the pain will not stay forever! Believe me, I know!

The best thing you can do is give it time. Keep doing your part. Keep listening to him. Let him work thru this.

I had to do the same. It took months for me to get out of my funk.

I can tell you now, with two years behund us in recovery, I am happy and none of what happened hurts me anymore. As Steve Harley said to me, once the affair is over and you begin true recovery, the affair begins to get smaller in the rearview mirror as we speed away from it!

Park,

His emotions are like a boiling stew on a stove. Churning and bubbling with different feelings bobbing to the top and then falling back down, with other emotions coming to the top to take their place.

His life has just been turned UPSIDE DOWN. His reality and his living world has just been turned into a lie. What he was sure was safe and loving and secure has betrayed him and yanked his heart out through his sternum, leaving a gaping sucking chest wound.

""I keep telling myself that it's normal for him to do this""

Yes, unfortunately, it is normal.

kirk

It takes a long, long time. The damage is deep. There is often a return of the anger phase for the BS at about 6-months. You are around that time frame.

Can you send him here? We have a handful of couples on the forum that post or have posted separate threads through their recovery.

Strongly consider a call to the Harleys. Recovery is a long tough gig and they can set you up with a plan.

Hopefully a couple of the FWWs on the board will check your thread soon.

thank you.....that's what I needed to hear....it makes me feel like there is light at the end of the tunnel....I keep telling my H that it's going to take time.....I don't know how long, but I'm willing to wait as long as it takes....on a bad day, he'll say it's been 6 months and I still feel the same.....and I tell him that there's no timeline as to when it's going to get better.....

For everyone blowing sunshine and stating that after 2 years there is no pain I will point out ten that say there still is.

I don't want to discourage you, but DO NOT make the mistake of tossing your husband into someone else's timeline (mine included).

Ask a few of the BH's around here about where thay are. I'm nearly 3 years BTW and still feel the pain on occasion.

I'm new to all the abbreviations....what are FWWs?

Welcome to MB,

Sorry your here, yet glad you came!

Have you been reading here on this sight for a while?

Have you and your H read any of the Harley's books yet?

Are you doing any counseling at this time?

Try this link for all the abbreviations

LINK

thank you! just found the site today...no, we haven't read any of the books....we did see a marriage counselor for 7 sessions through my husband's EAP...but haven't really looked for one of our own....I'm just starting to get desperate and needed to find someone to talk to.....

tks!

Read as much as you can on this sight and ask your H if he will come here also to seek some help.

I would HIGHLY recommend you order this book;
LINK to His Needs Her Needs @ the bookstore

How did you meet the OM, work, neighbor, friend?

How did your BH find out?

Was a NC letter sent?

How did the affair end?

Have you answered all of your BH's questions about the affair?

Did the OMW find out about the affair?

Have you been tranparent? Provide BH with paswords to verify NC?

How close to the OM do you live?

Does daily life bring you, BH and OM into site of each other?

Parkjee, would you two consider going to the Marriage Builders Weekend? I would HIGHLY encourage it!

Look on the website for more information. It is a very detailed few days into what MB teaches, the principles. You and your husband will not only learn what causes affairs and how to recover from them...but also all of the things that we all need to do to have great marriages.

Again, I highly recommend it. When we had out first two false recoveries, I was the only one that had read and been involved on here. My wife had read His Needs, Her Needs. But that was it. Well, when our third (and last) recovery came, we were in San Francisco within three weeks, sitting thru the course. And while I learned more than I had previously known, it was my iwfe that took a lot away from there because she was emmersed into it, rather than taking weeks and weeks of counseling.

Your husband may be in a spot of not knowing what happens next. With the Harleys and the MB programs here, he would understand all of this...from the affair, to his current feelings, to where things will go if you two are able to move forward together.

With a plan and knowledge that your situation is NOT unique, you may see a different husband.

parkjee,

There IS light at the end of the tunnel, but it's a narrow path you'll need to follow to get to it. The program that Dr. Harley has developed over many years is offered to us here on the MB web site. There are other resources too, and applying as many of them as you can will give you the best shot at reconciliation.

I'd like to address the pain. I've never heard of a BS (betrayed spouse) "getting over it" quickly enough for the WS (wayward spouse). For the WS, it is something they are ashamed of, so they want to get past it quickly. Works in reverse for the BS. They want to know WTF? WHY did he/she do this to me? The pain is deep, and healing is slow.

You will hear us refer often to the "roller coaster" of recovery. Your BH is up one day. A mess the next. He is caught in a tidal wave of emotions. You probably are too. There is no other way but through it, and it will take a loooong time. Not for the faint of heart or those who want a quick fix.

You will have to acknowledge his pain. You will never know exactly how it feels, but it is important that you try. It is impossible to apologize too much, and not just "I'm sorry."

Your apology must include what Dr. Harley calls "just compensation." THAT means you must willingly do way more than YOU THINK is necessary to prove your love and your trustworthiness to your BH. See, he THOUGHT you WERE trustworthy. You proved you weren't, and created a great, gaping hole where trust used to be. That wound is in his heart and will not be quick to heal. You'll both need a lot of gumption to get past this.

Your job now is to be an open book. He must know EVERYTHING you do, where you are at ALL TIMES, have access to your email and your cell phone. Short leash? Yep. For quite a while. Over time, and with your continued honorable behavior, he will COME to trust you enough to let you into his heart again.

But it will never be exactly the same. BSs can never write their WSs a blank check on the trust account again. You now understand why he shouldn't have in the first place. We are ALL vulnerable to an affair, given the right circumstances and selfish "justifications."

YOU will HAVE to search yourself to learn WHY you opted to cure whatever ailed you with an affair. If you don't, how COULD your husband ever trust you? Why should he? How can YOU be sure you wouldn't do this again? Because of the pain you feel right now? Nope. You will have to put extraordinary precautions into place to protect your marriage. All that is explained in the MB material.

You will have to explore your marriage to determine what left it vulnerable to an affair in the first place. The MB course work is a step-by-step guide to doing that too.

The program is laid out in Dr. Harley's books (His Needs Her Needs, Love Busters, Surviving An Affair). Better yet, counsel with his office by phone, or attend one of the weekend workshops if you can afford it.

You can rebuild a marriage that you will BOTH agree is better than you ever had before. But it's gonna take work and time.

Oh, yeah. And patience and faith.

Good luck.


Right Here Waiting

parkjee,

Pay particular attention to the post from TheRoad on page one. Every question there is very important. Please answer them all, and we will be able to offer you specific support as your circumstances dictate.

And hold on to HOPE.

RHW

we met him thru girls softball, he was a coach on a different team

one of his good friends saw us together, while my H was at work, the friend met him after work and told him, my H came home from work and it hit the fan

don't know what a nc letter is


I called his house told him it was over, and told his wife about everything

my H still says that I haven't given him a reason as to why I cheated....I don't think I know, myself

NC ??


He lives a couple of miles away, but our kids go to the same school

yes, there is a possibility...our biggest fear is seeing him/his family at softball.....but, I don't think their daughter is going to play anymore/and I don't think he'll sign up to be a coach

I suggest the same with one difference. Order the CD audio version, plan a road trip with your husband and listen to the book TOGETHER. Men converse well about touchy personal subjects in a car where there is the distraction of driving, no eye contact and extra-verbal communication cues are mimimized.

Besides...it's something you can do TOGETHER as it is a joint problem. You can pause and discuss at appropriate moments.

In the beginning it covers much of the information in Surviving an Affair so you don't necessarily need both books.

Good luck,

Mr. Wondering

p.s. - the 6-8 month anger mark is typical as the initial shock of Dday wears off. Help him through this period.