I think people understand it. Its just some people (myself included) think the costs don't justify the benefits.

I just don't think I would place that high (i.e. higher than the value of disrupting things getting physical) a value on the "intel". I just say that because I don't think "intel" is really all that scarce a commodity when dealing with WS's.

RIGHT PM!!! I also agree w/ MM...

It is the difference between ACTING and REACTING...

REACTING to FEELINGS or ACTING on LOGIC & REASON...

Reacting to FEELINGS is the WAYWARD GAME...Not a good plan...

Mrs. W

rprynne,

I agree that IF a BS could stop a WS from doing the deed, then by all means...please do! The problem is that a BS CANNOT stop a WS from doing the deed, short of doing something illegal (killing the OM, chaining the WW to the house, etc). So, the issue is that by barging around and knocking on doors will not keep them from doing the deed. It just means they will do it in a way where they wont get caught!

So, knowing that we cannot stop them, then why would we do something that will hurt the other areas that we can do and control???

So, in the end...direct confrontation in this case (without the intel for exposure...which he doesnt have), all he will get is a darker affair and no intel. She will still be bedded by the OM (she probably already has) and in the meantime, his ability to expose has been greatly hampered.

Why cost yourself in the areas you can control and will help you, by doing something that has proven not to work and will not accomplish the intended goal (stopping them from having sex)???

Guys,

Seriously, the odds are low she's heading to the parent's house. The odds are very high she's heading elsewhere, such as his place or a hotel.

She likely wouldn't answer any calls from Marty and use the excuse of "I didn't hear my phone, or was showering, or disconnected it to get some peace and quiet"

Take your pic.

Marty,

You certainly want to think right now, which is very difficult with all the emotions going on.

I've been in your shoes and understand the desperation you feel that your WW may be out doing something with a man.

My WW told me she went to have dinner with one of the men she had met on the net. I went by the restaurant I suspected she was going to be at. Our van wasn't there. That's a tough vehicle to hide.

Was she there? I don't know.

Could I have missed it? Possibly.

Was she with OM#5? Yes. By her own admission. They were just "talking".

Can I prove any differently? No.

So a voice recorder in the car would catch a conversation such as, "Ok, I'm on my way. What hotel was it again? See you in a few." Or something along those lines.

Marty has to think of his kids as well.

Best thing to do is ask a friend to follow her. I had plenty of them which were willing to do so for me.

Catching her in a lie is the red handed catch that he needs. This was the only way exww confessed to anything. She knew I knew when I named names and guys.

My mistake was in revealing how I found out.

Marty, my friend, even having confirmation means that you have to hold your cards to your chest because not confronting properly and with irrefutable evidence makes it so that you can force things further underground if you manage it incorrectly.

So you must come back her and let us do the thinking for you. We're removed from your situation and have advice based on either experience or 20/20 hindsight based on what we wish we had done.

But don't fool yourself. She's not going to mom and dad's to think. If she does, then we're all wrong and you're the one in a million that I've never seen in 3 years on this board.

I don't know of a single circumstance or poster here who would love nothing more than to be proven wrong. But you even have FWWes who did what she did telling you otherwise.

I really hope we're all wrong, but that would go against years of experience in dealing with this.

I can't count how many times I have read the emotional trauma of adultery is like rape or worse to many. Why would you allow yourself to be voluntarily raped? So you can get the evidence on your panties and say ahh haaa I now have evidence that you are a rapist? If you could prevent the rape and don't fear for your life would you lie there and let the rape continue so that you had evidence that sex took place or would you try to stop it, escape and forge ahead on attempted rape charges? There is nothing illegal about adultery and no one is forcing a wayard to do the deed, but the emotional damage would still be there and this would be long term damage IMO.

If a wayward is going to cheat and chooses not to stop, there will be another day to get the evidence. This is not the one and only chance for a BS to get evidence. I'm all for strategy but there is a point where the cost outweighs the benefit. Wars are not won at all costs.

For me it has to do with probabilites and the impact of the event. I personally would not care if there is only a 0.00005% chance at intervening and keeping an EA from becoming a PA. That impact of that event is so large, "damn the probabilities", so to speak.

I will concede that getting "proof" also has a big impact. For me, not as much as the above, but even if it were as much, the probability that this will be the only chance to get that proof, are also really small.

Said another way, Marty may have one chance to stop an EA from becoming a PA, if its already too late for that, then he's going to have plenty of other chances to get proof.

The only way to stop them AND get evidence is to do it the way that runnerboy did it. He followed, saw them get together, spied through a window, and then ran in when they were naked.

You're damned if you do, damned if you don't either way. Catch them just chatting, and you don't have hard evidence and they can twist it to show how "psycho" you are.

Wait too long, and then live with the knowledge that OM is doing your wife.

There's really no right answer here.

They have likely already had sex. The damage of the emotional rape is done. Yes, prepare yourself Marty. Infidelity is it's own type of PTSD. You will fight the mental images and the pain for a long time to come and won't be able to think straight.

It's coming.

But if I could go back in time, feeling how I do now I'd let the act take place to catch them red handed. Then act as cool as a cucumber when I filed for fault, had proof, and got custody of my kids using everything I could against her.

MM was cool and collected and gathered the evidence he needed. When she realized nothing was going her way in court and that she was in a fantasy world she came back and they're now together and in recovery and with a 1 yo son.

MM won by acting as if his marriage was over and taking action to secure his rights as a father. He did it all correctly.

So the end result boils down to this: scoreboard.

MM got his wife back.

I think BHes would get a lot further if they simply think of their wives as lost and then take very aggressive action to preserve their rights as fathers. No greater reality tonic for a WW than the realization that she's going to lose her kids and that nothing will go as she imagined if she continues down that path.

pom

You were looking for a slam dunk for Plan D and custody purposes. Marty is not. If he had Plan D or FU in mind I say go ahead and track her like a dog.

MM already had proof of the A. I haven't read his entire story, but the two cases sound like apples and oranges to me.

The difference between MM and I is that he set his emotions aside and fought for his rights as a father and executed Plan B.

I did not.

I strongly believe that the best hope BHes have is to simply accept that their wives are dead (figuratively speaking) and act as if their rights as fathers are in great jeapordy because there is no greater slap of reality for a WW than seeing that she's NOT getting the kids and she's NOT going to have the fantasy happy existence post divorce that she imagined.

And the fact is that their rights as fathers ARE in great jeopardy.

Strong legal action combined with Plan B is the greatest medicine for a WW's fog.

I have a feeling Marty has confirmed his fears and may be missing for a few days in the bowels of he77.

I'm wondering the same thing.

Here is a scenario though. What if he went to the house and she just wasn't there? If he didn't have her followed by someone, he won't know what hotel she's in. She could weasel her way out of a confession in that case.

Anyway, Marty, we're thinking of you and we're praying for you.

Group, Marty,

First and foremost I would like to personally say to Marty that I feel your pain to the very core of my being and I pray for your well being.

I am a returning member, I was in the same predicament as Marty seven years ago when I discovered my Ws affair, in fact my story is still posted here, i was shocked, it was really a trip to read it all over again, Redhat if your there, let me know youre around....

My story was a MB success story, almost text book if you will. But I will express to you all that it was the most difficult thing I've had to do in my entire life. I would have rather been dragged naked behind a pickup truck over a mile of glass than to endure that torture. It is a series of emotional after shocks that work your mind and body beyond imagination, and for me its worse the second time. Yeah....you read correctly, I discovered my W cheating again last month, so here I am, seven years later, 25 years of marriage an I'm on the same roller coaster ride as Marty. I found out thru a series of email on my wifes iPhone. (BTW, if you have a jailbroke iPhone it can be logged into from a PC, a snoops dream). I was lucky enough to get the goods in one shot.

I used what worked for me from the books and kept the rest under consideration, believe me I'm not gonna wave anybodys flag as to the success of overcoming my W previous A, and resuming our marriage, but I have that knowledge of what worked for me last time and I will use/tailor the concepts this time. Believe I am not a happy camper, I know some of you have had W go out on you more than once. For me this time is sooooooo much worse, I'm seeing red.

I dont yet completely know why my W has had another A but I'm workin on it, I'm borderline plan B, so put me in your prayers.

Marty, we are on a wild ride right now and I'm the car ahead of you. Have in there bro, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it fo you, but this rides about to get kicked up a notch!!!

What you really have to do is ask yourself, "Do I really love my wife enough to go through all this?". For me, last time I said yes, this time I'm really debating it, probably so. The resntment for me was the worse to overcome.

To the rest of you, I can appreciate each and eveyones point of view, I really can. I think its wonderful that we all can learn from each other, I think we all have a piece of Krazy, MyRev, and MrsZ in us, its just how we control all those threads that makes us who we are and how we react, how much power we give over others.

Respectfully,

{{{{Gideon}}}}

I don't know what to say. Do you have a thread started?

This could apply to the way BW treat WHs too. Any BS should be looking to preserve their parental and financial rights as well has protect their children from a WS and their screwed up way of life. Mothers by default probably have more sympathy, but there's no reason a BW can't be just as proactive in this area.

Anyway, what worked for MM worked for him, what worked for MyRev worked for him, what worked for me worked for me and so on. I don't think any of us are necessarily wrong but circumstances, history, personalities, etc all play a part in how a BS proceeds. If it didn't we'd have one thread that says, Do A, B, and C. Do not deviate. The End. Good Luck.

I still think in Marty's specific case that there were other options without producing more possible damage. If I had seen a post from Marty that said he could handle this, was willing to for the "greater good", etc. that's up to him but I didn't see him say that or pointed out to him. I'm concerned he didn't think of the consequences to him, emotionally and mentally, should he take this route.

My suspicion is Marty got all the "evidence" he never wanted to believe and is now in a very dark place.

If that's true, he now knows the true extent of being in the BS "club" that none of us ever thought we be in.

Marty is on my prayer list tonight, in spite of the value of intel.

I'm sure his heart is not in logic mode right now if I'm right.

All Blessings,
Jerry

MrsZ,

I hadnt decided if I should pick up my thread from 7 years ago or start a new one.

Any thoughts?

I have a heavy heart for Marty right now, I just found about my W A on 12/10/08, hard to figure if I'm crying for him or me. Everything seems very broken right now to me.

TTFN

Gideon,
It looks like Pepperband made a thread for you already.
Gideon!

You know who is missing from this thread? MARTY

Bump

Yah, really. I hate when people drop off the radar.