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Joined: Sep 2006
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fw,

Nasty way to learn a lesson, for sure.

You and H can get some really good help from the material and books on this site. Work the program, get yourselves straight, and watch what happens.

We're pulling for you.

Right Here Waiting


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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In your post you ask not to be judged. I can understand this. My question is, why are you judging your husband? Through your whole post you accept no responsibility for what has happened. You basically brought a cancer into your marriage and now you complain because it hurts. You are acting like you were betrayed. There is no betrayal here. You got what you wanted and now you are unable to control it. You broke the rules of marriage and then you complain that he got more attached to the sex object that you tempted him with and now he has bonded with her. How inconsiderate of him.

This is my opinion. Don't scream at him anymore. What you need to do is sit down with your husband and accept full responsibility. You need to say. I was so wrong for bringing this into our marriage and it is destroying me. I love you so very much and am so sorry for this situation. But I cannot go on with this. I realize that it is ALL my fault and I am asking you to forgive me for this. I am also asking for the sake of our marriage that you go with me to marriage counseling so we can work through this. I need you to recommit to me completely as I recommit myself to you. We need to have total transparency from now on. No secret e-mail accounts or cell phones. For the sake of our marriage you need to break off all communications with the other woman. I know you have become attached to her. But there is no room for anyone between you and me, however she came to be there. I will do what ever I can to restore our love and our marriage and hope that you will be just as committed to the same.

Now from an investigative stand point you need to install a keylogger on your computer so you can monitor communication. Only God knows if you can save your marriage. I am hoping that things do work out between you.

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I know many people who have engaged in 'alternative' behaviour in marriage. This can include swinging, threesomes, group sex, voyeurism, etc. Unfortunately, most of the people I know who have engaged in this type of behaviour end up getting slapped in the face. Some of us can mentally prepare ourselves with sharing our partner but ultimately it does not prepare us to deal with the residual -- that being jealousy.

Accept that it happened and that you were a pivotal part in the reason why it started. You are both aware that it hurt your marriage more than helped it. If OW is still looming, your marriage cannot recover. Your H should make an earnest effort to overcome his addiction. The best thing you can do is be compassionate towards him to help him overcome his addiction.


ME - BS
DD - 11/7/08

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You made up the game, invited others to play, and then decided to switch rules mid-game.

You opened Pandora's box, and don't know how to shut it again.

It's a sickening story, and the sad thing is neither you or H show any morals whatsoever, and your little children are the victims. I feel sorry for them having to live in a home with sick sexual games going on.

Do you have (stable) family that would be willing to take custody of the children, while you two finish growing up? You could get good jobs and mail child support to the caretakers, and pray for your children to have a chance at learning right from wrong.

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Originally Posted by rightherewaiting
fw,

Nasty way to learn a lesson, for sure.

You and H can get some really good help from the material and books on this site. Work the program, get yourselves straight, and watch what happens.

We're pulling for you.

Right Here Waiting

Thank you, I really appreciate it.


Married for 4 years...things can only go up from here.
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Originally Posted by ouchthathurt
In your post you ask not to be judged. I can understand this. My question is, why are you judging your husband? Through your whole post you accept no responsibility for what has happened. You basically brought a cancer into your marriage and now you complain because it hurts. You are acting like you were betrayed. There is no betrayal here. You got what you wanted and now you are unable to control it. You broke the rules of marriage and then you complain that he got more attached to the sex object that you tempted him with and now he has bonded with her. How inconsiderate of him.

This is my opinion. Don't scream at him anymore. What you need to do is sit down with your husband and accept full responsibility. You need to say. I was so wrong for bringing this into our marriage and it is destroying me. I love you so very much and am so sorry for this situation. But I cannot go on with this. I realize that it is ALL my fault and I am asking you to forgive me for this. I am also asking for the sake of our marriage that you go with me to marriage counseling so we can work through this. I need you to recommit to me completely as I recommit myself to you. We need to have total transparency from now on. No secret e-mail accounts or cell phones. For the sake of our marriage you need to break off all communications with the other woman. I know you have become attached to her. But there is no room for anyone between you and me, however she came to be there. I will do what ever I can to restore our love and our marriage and hope that you will be just as committed to the same.

Now from an investigative stand point you need to install a keylogger on your computer so you can monitor communication. Only God knows if you can save your marriage. I am hoping that things do work out between you.

Thank u ...but I already excepted this A MILLION TIMES! I already apologized...and taken responsibility...yes A MILLION TIMES. I also had a huge break down...where I sobbed my eyes out...and begged him to forgive me for poisioning our marriage.


Married for 4 years...things can only go up from here.
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Originally Posted by keepitreal
You made up the game, invited others to play, and then decided to switch rules mid-game.

You opened Pandora's box, and don't know how to shut it again.

It's a sickening story, and the sad thing is neither you or H show any morals whatsoever, and your little children are the victims. I feel sorry for them having to live in a home with sick sexual games going on.

Do you have (stable) family that would be willing to take custody of the children, while you two finish growing up? You could get good jobs and mail child support to the caretakers, and pray for your children to have a chance at learning right from wrong.

The way I raise my children is absolutely none of your business. Also you have no idea how much money we make...so why would u make a statement like," you can get a good job" ?? You have no idea who I am , where I am from, what my morals are, which are good, they just got a little messed up for a few minutes out of sheer curiosity, but my morals have returned and are the same as they always have been. Yeah, people experiment now a days...married or single. Yes I have already admitted I was wrong...and the only reason I judge my H is because, we made promises to each other...that were broken MANY TIMES! This stopped being about the THREESOME A LONG TIME AGO!


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f_w,

That did seem a bit harsh, but perhaps keepitreal is just coming from another place and doesn't realize that you've already owned up to your mistake and want to move on.

Please read the material this site has to offer, get some of the books and work through them (His Needs Her Needs, Surviving An Affair, Love Busters). They are all part of a PLAN to move you from where you are to where you want to be.

There are a lot of people here who have been through the pain of infidelity, from both sides--wayward and betrayed. I'm sure you will be able to use what most of them have to offer.

Do not be discouraged. Dig down deep, and tackle the work you need to do. We'll be here to cheer you on.

RHW


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
Originally Posted by keepitreal
You made up the game, invited others to play, and then decided to switch rules mid-game.

You opened Pandora's box, and don't know how to shut it again.

It's a sickening story, and the sad thing is neither you or H show any morals whatsoever, and your little children are the victims. I feel sorry for them having to live in a home with sick sexual games going on.

Do you have (stable) family that would be willing to take custody of the children, while you two finish growing up? You could get good jobs and mail child support to the caretakers, and pray for your children to have a chance at learning right from wrong.

The way I raise my children is absolutely none of your business. Also you have no idea how much money we make...so why would u make a statement like," you can get a good job" ?? You have no idea who I am , where I am from, what my morals are, which are good, they just got a little messed up for a few minutes out of sheer curiosity, but my morals have returned and are the same as they always have been. Yeah, people experiment now a days...married or single. Yes I have already admitted I was wrong...and the only reason I judge my H is because, we made promises to each other...that were broken MANY TIMES! This stopped being about the THREESOME A LONG TIME AGO!

You are not being honest when you say "Your morals just got messed up for a few minutes" as per your direct quote :

" I am a bi curious woman so [b]I have always wanted to experiment sexually with a a female.[/b]"

You've obviously had moral problems for a long time, and you are upset because your husband's feelings are no longer under your control.

Carrying on sexual games is at complete odds with being a good parent, so at least during the time you were researching and exploring and planning and fantasizing about your gamnes, you were not being a good parent.

And no, this has not stopped being about the threesome. You want to think that, but it isn't the case.

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And don't think for a minute I am putting all the blame on you. Your husband is also at fault for participating in the sickness you introduced him to.

Are you both adults?

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Quote
Carrying on sexual games is at complete odds with being a good parent, so at least during the time you were researching and exploring and planning and fantasizing about your gamnes, you were not being a good parent.

So uhm, what you're sayin' is - sex is only for procreation.

No researching and planning cruises, people - unless it's Disney. Wait, Disney has adults-only areas. That's bad, some parent might think about sex!

No going out dancing either. Might lead to sex. Which is okay ONLY if it's for procreation. But if you've already procreated - hang up the dancin' shoes.

Don't watch tv either. Or read books.

No more reindeer games.....


Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others.
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Originally Posted by Lucks
Quote
Carrying on sexual games is at complete odds with being a good parent, so at least during the time you were researching and exploring and planning and fantasizing about your gamnes, you were not being a good parent.

So uhm, what you're sayin' is - sex is only for procreation.

No researching and planning cruises, people - unless it's Disney. Wait, Disney has adults-only areas. That's bad, some parent might think about sex!

No going out dancing either. Might lead to sex. Which is okay ONLY if it's for procreation. But if you've already procreated - hang up the dancin' shoes.

Don't watch tv either. Or read books.

No more reindeer games.....

Are you being deliberately obtuse? I am talking about taking away time from your children to plan adultery, which destroys familes, not taking time to build a marriage.

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C'mon, peeps. We're not here to score points off each other.

Can't we express our thoughts more respectfully, like mature adults?


Me BS 61
Him FWS 63
Married 40 years
D-Day 6/30/06
Still can't believe it.
6/08 Recovering nicely. Anything is possible!
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Can you relocate to another area and start fresh?

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I guess you need to read a lot here. And figure out what NO CONTACT means. Neither of you should EVER have contact with this other woman again. Not telephone. Not work. Not e-mail. Not mail. Just send her a no-contact notice then block any and every way she can reach you. And that's just for starters.

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Originally Posted by ouchthathurt
Can you relocate to another area and start fresh?

we would LOVE TO RELOCATE! We are relocating in March but that is only a few miles up the road. How ever the OW is relocating around that time also..but to North Cali.


Married for 4 years...things can only go up from here.
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Originally Posted by cinderella
I guess you need to read a lot here. And figure out what NO CONTACT means. Neither of you should EVER have contact with this other woman again. Not telephone. Not work. Not e-mail. Not mail. Just send her a no-contact notice then block any and every way she can reach you. And that's just for starters.

We had originally blocked her from our emails, changed numbers, and blocked her again from blogging sites. But my H made a fake name and began to watch OW( I of course did not know about this). So I assumed....that there was NO CONTACT! I sent her an email last week...to inform her that I KNOW EVERYTHING and that he IS NOT LEAVING ME! I also told her what he tells me about her...and he also says he hates her. But is addicted to her! She said she knows this and she is done( I can't believe what that person has to say). He has already told her twice if not more that he will never leave me for her. I just don't understand...if he wont leave me for her and has no feelings for her. Then why was it even worth it????

He said he has already deleted his fake accounts..that he admited he once had once he was caught. He said he was still watching her. But the wake up call hit home on New Years Eve..when the kids saw me packing his bags...and STARTED TO HELP!
He was SO upset! He was so very mad at me! I told the kids to stop..but they are young so they thought I was playing a game. I apologized for what the kids had done. But in the end...if that woke him up..then I am grateful for that happening. I have also once again changed our phone numbers. I am not sure what good that will do.

Last edited by fabulous_woman; 01/08/09 06:39 PM.

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Originally Posted by keepitreal
Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
Originally Posted by keepitreal
You made up the game, invited others to play, and then decided to switch rules mid-game.

You opened Pandora's box, and don't know how to shut it again.

It's a sickening story, and the sad thing is neither you or H show any morals whatsoever, and your little children are the victims. I feel sorry for them having to live in a home with sick sexual games going on.

Do you have (stable) family that would be willing to take custody of the children, while you two finish growing up? You could get good jobs and mail child support to the caretakers, and pray for your children to have a chance at learning right from wrong.

The way I raise my children is absolutely none of your business. Also you have no idea how much money we make...so why would u make a statement like," you can get a good job" ?? You have no idea who I am , where I am from, what my morals are, which are good, they just got a little messed up for a few minutes out of sheer curiosity, but my morals have returned and are the same as they always have been. Yeah, people experiment now a days...married or single. Yes I have already admitted I was wrong...and the only reason I judge my H is because, we made promises to each other...that were broken MANY TIMES! This stopped being about the THREESOME A LONG TIME AGO!

You are not being honest when you say "Your morals just got messed up for a few minutes" as per your direct quote :

" I am a bi curious woman so [b]I have always wanted to experiment sexually with a a female.[/b]"

You've obviously had moral problems for a long time, and you are upset because your husband's feelings are no longer under your control.

Carrying on sexual games is at complete odds with being a good parent, so at least during the time you were researching and exploring and planning and fantasizing about your gamnes, you were not being a good parent.

And no, this has not stopped being about the threesome. You want to think that, but it isn't the case.

Let me guess...you have a problem with homosexuality..is that correct?? Also what I do in my SPARE TIME...has nothing to do with my children. My children live a very happy priviledged life!


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Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
Let me guess...you have a problem with homosexuality..is that correct?? Also what I do in my SPARE TIME...has nothing to do with my children. My children live a very happy priviledged life!

That is delusional.

What you do is who you are.

What you do has everything to do with your fitness as a parent.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Originally Posted by bigkahuna
Originally Posted by fabulous_woman
Let me guess...you have a problem with homosexuality..is that correct?? Also what I do in my SPARE TIME...has nothing to do with my children. My children live a very happy priviledged life!

That is delusional.

What you do is who you are.

What you do has everything to do with your fitness as a parent.

When it comes to my sexuality...IT Does not effect what I do as a parent and WHO I AM! It is merely a sexual preference.
Say for instance, you enjoy bondage or anal sex...hell...even oral sex in YOUR BED ROOM! Does that effect your ability to raise a family???


Married for 4 years...things can only go up from here.
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