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[Sounds like I'm married to your H's twin  I've always been one to say I shouldn't have to tell him to bring me flowers, leave me notes etc but after his A, I found out that I did need to tell him, he's male and doesn't know. Well I tell him now and he STILL doesn't do it!! What's up with that?  Well my H says he doesn't do it when I tell him because then it doesn't mean anything. So if I don't ask for flowers I don't get flowers, and if I do ask for flowers I still don't get flowers. What's a girl to do???
BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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black raven,
Thank-you for your optimistic words! I was feeling pretty hopeless after reading Krazy's post.
All I want it to feel special and after reading Krazy's post I was thinking that it would be impossible to feel that way unless I divorced my H and moved on to someone new.
BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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So Krazy,
You know I share your pain and I replied on another thread regarding the same. My question for you is its been 2+ years right so why are you still married? Or better yet, what are you doing to deal with the resentment?? Just throw up your hands and say life isn't fair??
God's goal for marriage: Become ONE! How? MBer methods.
Me:husband 42
wife, 40
married 1/12/1991
3 children, 1 granddaughter
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TryingToLetItGo,
So please correct me where I'm wrong
Your H NEVER sent a NC letter.
Your H NEVER read any of Dr. Harley's Books/materials.
YOU have NEVER read Dr. Harley's Books.
Your H has NEVER answered your questions about OW because you are too afraid to ask.
Your H NEVER talks about his A when you ask, because HE DOESN'T WANT TO.
Your H refuses to meet your needs when you ask, BECAUSE you asked.
You are nearly 2 years into H being back home after the A ended.
You consider this recovery? Still sounds wayward to me.
I don't think a BJ will fix these things.
H being nice to you is NOT just compensation nor is it recovery.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Here is why I have a problem with what has been said on your thread.
You are being advised that the solution to you not getting your ENs met is for YOU to meet FWHs ENs better. That's not what MB teaches.
MB teaches that if BOTH spouses are meeting EACH OTHER'S top ENs, they will fall/stay romantically in love. You meeting his ENs does not ensure that HE will meet yours, or even know how to.
Your FWS must not only want to meet your ENs, he must want to know HOW.
Right now, you have communicated to your FWS HOW to meet yours, and he refuses to do so.
THAT is the issue, not how many BJs you give in a week.
Your husband is refusing to work the basic principles of MB. Maybe because he doesn't know how. Maybe because he doesn't know why it is so important.
Your FWS is WITHDRAWING units from your love bank, and his account is already much lower than he realizes just because of the affair. Does he understand the love bank idea? Does he realize he is withdrawing units?
From your posts, it sounds like FWH hasn't read any MB materials. Is that correct?
What MB materials have you read?
Is your FWH on board with MB? You are correct, my H does not know anything about MB. I have not told him about this website because I think I would get the same reaction I get when I ask for things like flowers. I think he would say it doesn't mean anything if he is just doing what MB told him to do. I may be wrong, but that is whay I have not lead him here. I have read HNHN, but it was over a year ago. I just ordered the Basic Concepts DVD and am going to take ask my H to watch it with me. I just realized there is no point in not telling him about MB, if he ignores it then I am no worse off than I am now.
BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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Sexymamabear,
Thank-you for sharing your view point on this. As you probably sensed when I began giving examples of what I do, I was getting frustrated with being told I need to meet my H's need better. After spending the morning thinking about that, I decided that I am doing a kick a$$ job of meeting his needs, sure I could step it up. But I think it would just frustrate me more.
BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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All I want it to feel special and after reading Krazy's post I was thinking that it would be impossible to feel that way You will never feel special as long as your husband refuses to treat you in a special way. Having your ENs met the way YOU LIKE is what fills your love bank to the point that you DO feel special.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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You are correct, my H does not know anything about MB. I have not told him about this website because I think I would get the same reaction. It's time for a serious talk with husband. He needs to know that a BS doesn't just "get over" the horrendous betrayal of adultery. He is going to have to put forth some work to fix the damage he caused. It sounds like he's got it pretty rosey right now. You jumping through hoops to turn him on and avoiding talk that he doesn't want to engage in, and him never having to actually DO anything to make right as much as possible the immense wrong he has done to you. He's going to have to INVEST in the marriage. And you are going to have to communicate how critical his investment is.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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Well my H says he doesn't do it when I tell him because then it doesn't mean anything. So if I don't ask for flowers I don't get flowers, and if I do ask for flowers I still don't get flowers. What's a girl to do??? Buy yourself some flowers and when he asks whom they're from tell him you have a secret admirer--just kidding on the last part. But seriously, I think buying yourself some flowers is a good idea b/c he will ask you about it and you can honestly tell him that you like getting flowers, nobody was getting them for you so you bought them for yourself. Even the densest guy I think would get the picture. I know that I would and pretty soon after my girl would receive flowers from me.
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Well my H says he doesn't do it when I tell him because then it doesn't mean anything. So if I don't ask for flowers I don't get flowers, and if I do ask for flowers I still don't get flowers. What's a girl to do??? Buy yourself some flowers and when he asks whom they're from tell him you have a secret admirer--just kidding on the last part. But seriously, I think buying yourself some flowers is a good idea b/c he will ask you about it and you can honestly tell him that you like getting flowers, nobody was getting them for you so you bought them for yourself. Even the densest guy I think would get the picture. I know that I would and pretty soon after my girl would receive flowers from me. Sounds great...if flowers were the issue. Flowers were an example of the issue...his refusal to meet her ENs in a way that fills her love bank. What shall she do about all the other ways he refuses to meet her ENs?
Last edited by sexymamabear; 01/09/09 02:11 PM.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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Sexymamabear,
Thank-you for sharing your view point on this. As you probably sensed when I began giving examples of what I do, I was getting frustrated with being told I need to meet my H's need better. After spending the morning thinking about that, I decided that I am doing a kick a$$ job of meeting his needs, sure I could step it up. But I think it would just frustrate me more. Yes, I heard your frustration. I was frustrated when I read your thread.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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So, you have to live with it. You won't ever get what the OP got. You can't. To try is a waste of time, and only sets you up for failure. You will always be the same old, same old as long as you are with your FWS. This is soooo not true. My marriage now is better and stronger than ever and my DH often surprises me with little things (things he did for OW). He has surpassed anything he ever did for them. (there were two) But it took me having to tell him how this made me feel, how I felt cheated (in more ways than one - lol) otherwise I think he would have gone back to the status quo pre-affair.
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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He's going to have to INVEST in the marriage. And you are going to have to communicate how critical his investment is. ITA!
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Krazy, I always feel so sad for you when I read your posts. Everyone's posts tell a sad story but yours leave no room for hope or joy in your M.
My fully recovered M is way more exciting than any new relationship that I ever had, including our honeymoon period M. It is tested by fire and He!! and has survived even better than before.
This thread kind of baffles me because I don't want what the OW got. I don't want to be treated like a back of the van quickie slut. My H cherishes me. I can see it in every touch and every look. When he looks me in the eye and tells me that he is a lucky, lucky SOB, it is worth two dozen roses and dinner out. I occasionally get that too but I don't use that as a measuring stick for his love or our R.
As I posted last night, I make the OW look like chopped liver every day. Not to compete but because I genuinely love my H. I learned a very valuable lesson from this nightmare and neither of us ever want to go back to our pre-A M. That was one of my conditions for R.
God's Blessings,
Say
Me, BW-57
FWH 54
4 kids and 4 grandbabies between us
In recovery since D-day, May 28,2007
FWH never onboard the MB boat but still clinging to the side.
One day at a time by God's grace.
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Buy yourself some flowers and when he asks whom they're from tell him you have a secret admirer--just kidding on the last part. But seriously, I think buying yourself some flowers is a good idea b/c he will ask you about it and you can honestly tell him that you like getting flowers, nobody was getting them for you so you bought them for yourself. Even the densest guy I think would get the picture. I know that I would and pretty soon after my girl would receive flowers from me. I already did this! I bought myself flowers and in a cheery tone told him I saw some pretty flowers at the store so I bought them for myself. He did not say anything or ask anything about them. He did buy me flowers a couple of weeks ago, but it was because our daughter went to the store with him and she wanted to buy them for me and she gave them to me. I did thank him and made a fuss over how pretty they were and how nice it was for them to get them for me.
BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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Sounds great...if flowers were the issue.
Flowers were an example of the issue...his refusal to meet her ENs in a way that fills her love bank.
What shall she do about all the other ways he refuses to meet her ENs? Well, I'm quite leery about drawing conclusions as to how great or terrible someone's relationship is w/ information given in a forum. The OP herself seems conflicted regarding the good and bad. It simply seems likes she's saying that there's some good but she also would like it to be better. Just about everyone in a relationship can say the same thing, albeit infidelity magnifies the imperative. I just offered a small suggestion about a specific issue. Whether it could have a ripple effect--can't say?
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A BS IS NEVER GOING TO GET WHAT THE OP GOT, BECAUSE THE BS CAN NEVER BE NEW AND EXCITING AGAIN. EVER.
Even if the FWS looks you in the eye and swears it's every bit as exciting with you, they're lying. NOTHING is more exciting than the first few times with a new person. Krazy, I realize you still harbor anger and resent towards your W. I do towards my H as well, but this does not have to be so. If the most exciting time of any M is when you first began dating or if the best sex was on the honeymoon, we all might as well throw our hands up and just wait for death because nothing would ever compare. I enjoyed many years of excitement with my FWH and they were awesome. I will have that again. The only way I won't is if I want to stay bitter and angry forever. No thanks. I didn't say that it can't still be good...maybe even better after the affair. To expect to receive the same level of excitement from your FWS that OP did, however, is simply not realistic. Heck, it's not even possible. So Krazy,
You know I share your pain and I replied on another thread regarding the same. My question for you is its been 2+ years right so why are you still married? Or better yet, what are you doing to deal with the resentment?? Just throw up your hands and say life isn't fair?? I am married because I love my wife, and because I am not willing to voluntarily miss out on half of my kids' childhood. What am I doing to deal with the resentment? Nothing, because I know myself well enough to know that nothing any other human being does will reduce my resentment. I accepted that life isn't fair a long time ago. I'm sorry I'm such a downer, but I see what I'm saying as an unpleasant truth. A truth that not even most remorseful WSs will admit to. Even with the most remorseful, eager-to-reconcile WS...the instant the BS has to discuss what they want & aren't getting, they already aren't "getting what the OP got". In most cases I have heard and read about, the WS was eager enough to please the OP that they did whatever "it" was on their own.
Divorced
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TryingToLetItGo,
So please correct me where I'm wrong
Your H NEVER sent a NC letter.
Your H NEVER read any of Dr. Harley's Books/materials.
YOU have NEVER read Dr. Harley's Books.
Your H has NEVER answered your questions about OW because you are too afraid to ask.
Your H NEVER talks about his A when you ask, because HE DOESN'T WANT TO.
Your H refuses to meet your needs when you ask, BECAUSE you asked.
You are nearly 2 years into H being back home after the A ended.
You consider this recovery? Still sounds wayward to me.
I don't think a BJ will fix these things.
H being nice to you is NOT just compensation nor is it recovery. You are correct on all of the above. I started this thread complaining about what I'm not getting, but I think I need to clear up something. My H has changed dramatically. Before he used to get home late everynight because he stopped by the bar and now he comes home early from work to be with me. He has shown great remorse for his A. I'm not sure how to put it in words other than to say he has really matured and now acts as a responsible married father, where before he acted like a single guy who happened to have a wife and kid at home. Our marriage sucked before and I think he meant for this to be an exit affair. He had a breakdown when I told him I wanted him back and I began showing him how I had changed. All he ever wanted during our marriage was for me to place him first in my life and for me to show him attention. He has said that is what he liked about OW was the attention she gave him. I really do not blame him for that because I too was starved for attention and may just as easily been the one having an A if another man would have started showing me that kind of attention.
BW 38 (me)
FWH 42
Married 7 years
DD 6
SD 15
11-2006 H said he wanted a divorce and walked out
3-2007 I told H I wanted him back
3-2007 to 4-2007 D-day's
4-2007 H moved back in for good
Today-In recovery, but a long way to recovered
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This thread kind of baffles me because I don't want what the OW got. I don't want to be treated like a back of the van quickie slut. I understand that, but would you like for your husband to be so turned on by you that he would want a quickie in the back of a van every now and then? He liked it then, but not now? Being lovey-dovey and spreading rose petals on the bed is one thing, but there's obviously another side of him that he shared with OW. Did he close off that part of himself because you have no desire to see it, or is that a side of him that only OW will get to see whether you like it or not? I see "not getting what OP got" as something between the two affair partners that the BS isn't privy to.
Divorced
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TTLIG... It sounds like your husband thinks that things he does are meaningless unless he thinks of them on his own...Problem is, he isn't thinking of them on his own...(Well duh, right?  ) Try explaining it to him this way..."Honey, I know you aren't a mind reader and I don't expect you to be. That is why I tell you what I want. I want us to be in love and I am telling you how to make me be in love with you. If the other football team were to give you their playbook, would you read it? Wouldn't your victory celebration still feel good when you won? And when I see you doing these things, such as bringing me flowers, things that I KNOW don't come naturally for you, it fills my lovebank all the more because I KNOW that you did that JUST TO MAKE ME HAPPY! I love you so much for wanting me to be happy." What do you think? Mrs. W
FWW ~ 47 ~ MeFBH ~ 50 ~ MrWonderingDD ~ 17 Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered
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