My husband had an affair. When I found the hotel receipt he admitted to the affair, but lied about who the woman was. He told me he didn't want to tell me who it was because he was afraid I would contact her. The story he told me about the affair just didn't add up. I didn't believe that this woman was the one, so I emailed her, after six months, and asked her if she was the one. She wasn't, and when I confronted my husband he said that he made up the story because the woman he was with said that her husband would kill them both if he found out. I told him I needed to know who she is to move on in our relationship. He won't tell me because he thinks I will contact her. I don't know if he's telling me another lie because this woman is someone I know or she is still some how involved in our lives in some way. I told him if he can't be honest with me then there is no reason to go on. He would rather protect her identity the save our marriage. Do I have the right to know who this woman is?

You bet you have the right to know the truth!

My H didn't want to tell me who his ONS was, either...even though she had been DEAD for 5 years (took 13 years to get that fling out of him).

He finally told me who she was when I told him that if I EVER found out I had been nicely chatting with some ho who had boinked him, I would INSTANTLY divorce him. He then said, "That won't happen, because she's dead." He STILL didn't want to tell me, so I said, "So, you are protecting a dead ho at MY expense?"

That's when he finally told me who she was.

There's a leter on the board somewhere, called "Joseph's Letter". Maybe someone will post it or the link to it, so you can print it out for your WH to read.

Becky,

I have a similar situation. My W will not divulge the name or details of the OM. I am not really bothered who he is, but would like to know that she thinks more of 'us' than him.

Apparently she doesn't. So I am letting her go. He can have her, I don't need a lying adulterous woman in my life.

I am worth more than that.

I would say to you, that if your H continues to 'protect' OW more, then you need to let go and move on.

I've learnt the hard way, by hanging on and trying again. I am now 1 months into separation No2. I have been hurt twice now and will not put myself through it anymore.

Think about YOU and only YOU. That's what they are doing by lying.

Yes, Becky, you deserve to know.

If you don't know who this person is, how can you be certain that the A is over? That NC has been established?

Can you give us a little more background?

How long have you been M? Do you have children? What are their ages?

Here's Joesph's letter that Lady C referenced...

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn't mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn't he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I'm going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you're carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn't really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don't have.

"Now let's enter my reality. Let's both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don't worry about it, it's not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what's the difference, it's not important. Then later when I'm expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can't just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don't you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn't come from jealousy, it doesn't come from spitefulness, and it doesn't come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn't it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn't it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can't and the reason I can't is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph's Letter)

The BS always deserves to know what ever they want/need to know about their WS's affair and OP.

No one has the right to censor the BS from the truth that they seek.

He doesn't want to tell you because he wants to KEEP THAT DOOR OPEN. Affairs thrive on secrecy and he knows this. She is probably married or he has lied to her and told her he is divorced/separated so he is worried you might scr*w up his good deal.

I hope that you continue to snoop on him because you definitely need to watch your back. He could give you and STD, so I would get STD testing before you sleep with him.

Honesty is the solution to adultery, not more lying. This is information about your life to which you have a right to know. It is a requirement for recovery.

Requirements for Recovery from an Affair

Dr. Harley: The plan I recommend for recovery after an affair is very specific. That's because I've found that even small deviations from that plan are usually disastrous. But when it's followed, it always works. The plan has two parts that must be implemented sequentially. The first part of the plan is for the unfaithful spouse to completely separate from the lover and eliminate the conditions that made the affair possible. The second part is for the couple to create a romantic relationship, using my Basic Concepts as a guide.

I'll describe these two parts to you in a little more detail.

The first step, complete separation from the lover and eliminating the conditions that made the affair possible, requires a complete understanding of the affair. All information regarding the affair must be revealed to the betrayed spouse, including the name of the lover, the conditions that made the affair possible (travel, internet, etc.), the details of what took place during the affair, all correspondence, and anything else that would shed light on the tragedy.

This information is important for two reasons: (1) it creates accountability and transparency, making it essentially impossible for the unfaithful spouse to continue the affair or begin a new one unnoticed, and (2) it creates trust for the betrayed spouse, providing evidence that the affair is over and a new one is unlikely to take its place. The nightmares you experience are likely to continue until you have the facts that
will lead to your assurance that your husband can be trusted.
article continued here

Becky,

I'm not in your situation, but I wondered a bit about what I might do.

I know I would be plenty angry. And I know I would be up against a husband who thinks he has all the answers, and as long as he thinks he can keep the secret to protect the OW, well, then he keeps me where he wants me.

I'm kind of a rebel, though. My H would not count on that aspect coming into play - and he didn't, when his affair was discovered.

I don't know if you have exposed your husband's affair to your family and friends. You should.

Here is the letter I would give my husband, and tell him that it is his choice to keep the secret about who the woman is. I would tell my H that he can go ahead and keep his lover protected, that he is NOT protecting ME from anybody - that I can protect myself. It's his choice to lie to me, so "fine". That leaves me no alternative but to go about the task of finding the truth about my own life, and that means I must take drastic action. That means that I will now pass this letter out to each and every woman I know, and HE KNOWS, including every woman he works with, is friends with, and the women married to every man he knows as well.

Step back, husband, and get out of my way. Because you are about to see this tigress go out and separate the weak animal from the herd. Someone will tell me who the woman was.





To Whom It May Concern:

My husband has confessed to having an affair. He slept with the person at the X Hotel on Dec. X, 2008. I am making the assumption that this person was a woman, and therefore am contacting every woman I know who has had contact with him over the last year.

I believe that because he refuses to tell me her name, that he is still in contact with his affair partner. She may even be someone I thought to be a "friend". I will not stop attempting to find evidence of this contact. I do know that the woman is married, because my husband has told me that her husband will be very angry about the affair.

Since the affair was discovered, we have been attempting to recover our marriage. If this letter has reached you and you have information or knowledge that can help me, please call me at 555-XXXX. If you are the affair partner, I would be interested in talking to you as well. I just want to know what really happened. I just need to know why.

I deserve to know the truth of my life. If this were your life, you would want someone to tell you, so you could have peace. Please, step up and be the person to give me that peace.

My husband is not man enough to do it. He is still too wrapped up in protecting someone who helped him devastate me and my marriage, and cannot see his way clear to fix what they broke. Please, help me.

Schoolbus

NICE!!!!! I really like that and probably never would have thought of that!

That's one of the most creative ideas I've heard, Schoolbus! Wow, a wayward would wet their pants if a letter like that went out, wouldn't they?!

Brillant, SB!

I hope Becky is still around!

My idea is that I would run the letter past my husband first, tell him that he has one chance left to expose his affair partner to me, or I send the letter.

My husband? He would crack, because he knows I would send it in a heartbeat. When I want to know, I WANT TO KNOW.

I cannot live without knowing things, and I will stay up at night, I can't sleep, can't eat, nothing gets done.

And it would just eat at me until I got the information. So he knows I would send the letter. It would work for me.

I don't know what Becky would do, or if her husband would care if she did it.

It depends on people's circumstances, certainly.

SB

Holy crap, SB! That is some of the best advice I have ever read here! I am in AWE!

lol

That's awesome!

You're the bomb SB!!

Shucks, Mel, Thanks!


SB