I am a gentle lamb - what'cho'talkin'bout :twobyfour:

ITA!!

T2L - Just for you. (another poster who doesn't post much anymore sent me this to pass on to those who are hurting)

Bring the Rain

Pep - I got an instructional video for that can of WhoopA**.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/352175/how_to_free_air_horn/

Next time he wants to unload on his son, and his son gives you that look, or hand cue, just blow!

PM - Wow, that is a nice video, very comforting.............

Simba, my cat, enjoyed it

Dear God, well got back from bowling and grabbing a burger to settle in for the evening. Well apparently when H left this afternoon around 2:30 he must have stayed in the area. He is outside my stinking house.

He has called my son and left a message that he is out front if he wants to visit. Ok so son is again stressed out because he does not want to see dad because of the nasty message. But my son feels horrible for rejecting his dad so he bears that guilt too. I ask him if he wants to call he says no and then he says what if he comes to the door. I say I will simply answer and say you do not want to visit.

DS10 says mom i can't handle this why is he here again, I can't handle this I just want you guys back together(he hasn't said that in a really long time, since the 1st two months after dday) and for this to stop. UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh! I just look at him and calmly say me to DS10 but I can't do anything about that. i ask him DS10 you can still see your dad just because were not together you know that right? He says yes. I say I don't want you to not see your dad because of me. If you says yes I say ok and If you say no to dad I say ok. Its what ever you want. Hes torn. He is truly upset about the nasty message on answering machine and yet he loves his dad but doesn't want to reject him and doesn't want to talk to him.

As of 6:45, DS10 peaked out the front window, he has been out there for about 20 minutes and DS10 says mom he is watching a movie on his laptop in his truck. My WS is in front yard waiting for DS10 to come out while watching a movie on his lap top.

DD17 just walked in 10 minutes ago and I snapped when she called out to me because I have been stressed out because the idiot has been in my front yard and I had DS10 stressing and when she called out to me I snapped and thought oh God great what?!?!? Usually she tries to get DS10 to go out. So I had to go apologize to DD17 who is now pissed off at me and says Im losing it. Then I say I am sorry I should not have snapped at you I have been stressed out with your brother because you dad has been out front watching TV in his car for the last 30 minutes. She did want to talk to me. I tried. She is out with friends. We usually are fine by morning. I feel horrible that I snapped at her. {{{{sigh}}}}

I ask her why is your dad still here he left at 2:30? She says he went to the Regan library for a while and then was hoping DS10 would come out to visit him. DD17 said oh and then he left. So wait 5 minutes and go home.

Oh Lord! What next.

My WH lost the plot today too.

It is the full moon, I swear it. Everytime it's a full moon he really does go loco.

I am sorry that your kids are so uncomfortable and that they are hurting too.

I am sorry that you are carrying the burden for all 3 of you and that your WH has not realised how easy it is for everything to change. You would think that you'd asked for the scientific impossible...

Bear down and breathe and pray. There will be a reason for this trial although it is far from visible at the moment. God would not have given this trial to you if he didn't know that you were ready for it and that the learning from it was what you needed!

Now, to off to start believing that myself...

A suggestion:

DS10 could tell his Dad about his anger.
For DS10's own benefit.
Speaking out when you are angry is a good life skill to learn.
He's about the right age.

Depression from feeling powerless is lessened when a person takes an action - like saying "I'm so mad at you for what you did."

If DS10 is not currently able to do this face to face - he could write Dad a letter.

poor kid

show this link to DS10
a friendship

2M@L
Thanks so much for popping in. Sometimes I really need to hear it in the middle of the battle. I wanna scream! I am hurting and trying to keep it together.

I have been running from prayer since the whole stepping down thing. I just feel so hurt over everything and I told the Lord I am hurt and can barely utter a prayer. Forgive me Lord, but I won't even try and lie to you.

Thanks for stopping by, hugs to all of us....

Ok I am going to have him read this whole post then show him the link.

We have therapy assessment Monday at 2:30 at the place you recommended.

I guess tho after the 5 days no communication its good that H is trying.

I also sent out the door with DD17 at 2:30 the last few things I had here besides tools that was his. I sent his class ring, and a few watches and his dream journal. DD17 told him there is jewelry in there and your dream journal and he said I don't need all that. I wonder if he went to the Reagan library and read his own journal. It was a very precious thing to him.

{{{{T2L}}}]
you are a hostage in your own freakin house. Unbelievable. When your son did not come out -- he needed to leave. WTH. He is still trying to show you that he has the control. Your poor son -- he should not be forced to see his Dad because he decides to just "show up".

As for your DD17, I know you are feeling bad because you snapped at her. We are only human, breathe. Tomorrow things will look different.

You need to prepare so this does not happen again. Put together a plan for visitation or modify the one that you made.

Sorry you are going through this. You know my prayers are with you. take care buddy.

I have a set in stone visitation, today is his day but DS10 just didnt want to visit. I let DS10 read what Pep just posted and asked him what he thought so he said tomorrow he will email his dad. I sure hope he lets it all out. I hear the raw truth but no one else. He has emailed his dad 2 other times in the last 8.5 months but he hasn't fully released. But I think it really helped reading what Pep posted. I said this is what my friend Pep says to you. The encouragement from someone else helped him. Odd, I have been trying to get him to email his dad and tell him but he would not but hearing it from someone else I guess gave him permission. So feel free to encourage DS10 and i will let him read them.

How are you doing hope?

Hi T2L-

My YS (then 14) had a hard time putting his thoughts into a letter or email, so I asked him if he wanted to dictate what he wanted to say to his dad. He did want that, and seemed relieved.

Part of it was that my YS needed to say/hear what he wanted to tell his dad, and then have a moment where I was able to ask him some clarifying questions about what he had just said. YS can get very tongue-tied when he feels strongly about something and he didn't want to get flustered and lose his words in the moment or (even worse) CRY in front of his dad.

I would then read what I had written for him so he could either agree with me, or tell me what he wanted changed. It also helped him sort out some of his feelings about everything, but in a "safe" way, because I wasn't "asking" him "how are you-what are you feeling?" It's always been harder for him to share his feelings (emotions) with me 'cuz I'm a girl. (OS is the complete opposite...go figure).

Good thing I had all those years of training with my twin bro. My YS is sooo much like him.

hi T2L,

the thing about "it didnt work out" and "not needing his things" these are pretty much the same things Flick said to me. I bet other BS's could say the same about their WS's.

Its still just babble.

I bet WH still looks like crap. Still isnt 'normal'. Shows no real sign of being the person he is, just showing the world the alien who has taken over him.

I know you are getting tired and worn down by this. You amaze me by your strength at keeping in your PB. I have read threads here by some very recovered BW's who never were as dark as you are right now. You are doing so well.

Hun, dont give up on this. Set you deadline that you need and stay the course. Run the good race. Know that YOU have tried EVERYTHING possible. There will never be a day when anyone at all, will look at you and say 'she didnt try, she gave up"

And you will be looked at as the amazing Godly, woman you are.

Okay exactly that it exactly what happens to him. I ask him what he is feeling and he stutters and raises his voice and gets flustered and say i dont know mom its hard to explain. I try to get him to talk so he won't be like his dad, unable to communicate.

Okay so I can have him tell me what he wants to say and I can type it in the email. Previously he had done it but it was very short because he had to think and type and it was frustrating for him but I didn't think I should have anything to do with so I could say It was all DS10's own thoughts.

So I can have him dictate to me then right? And you say "safe" what is that? Sorry I just want to be sure when he writes it tomorrow its done correctly.

I set up an email address for him to use just for his dad.


BTW.... Happy 8 Weeks PB to me, whoo hooo, yipeee, hooray...sorry that darn sarcasm again.

Hi T2L
When I said those things to Lil I was trying to convince myself that I didn't need or want my things, and I rationalised to myself that if any of my things were important that I could go and get new ones. IT WAS ALL RUBBISH! I wanted my things and at every oppertunity I would take the things that I couldn't replace or be without.
I reckon that WH is doing the same things as I did, I also reckon that he will (if he has not already) see the error of his ways and some time after that, when he gets the guts, he will tell you that he was wrong.

I'm running into the same problem with my kids trying to communicate with WH. However, my WH is a conflict avoider so he'd just as soon ignore the kids than hold vigil out in his truck.

As for venting, my DDs are in a text war with him. They're letting him know, with both barrels, that they do not approve of his cheating, lying, breaking of promises, moving out, being with OW (one DD referred to her as sl*t), etc. WH is replying "How dare you speak to me like this. I am your father. I love you and you need to respect me. This has nothing to do with you. It's between Holyheart and me. Blah, blah, blah. And we will talk about this next week." And then the text to me -- "There will be serious repercussions for their actions."

WTF? He moves out 2 weeks ago and has yet to see the kids. And what am I to do? I want to defend DDs, but I don't want to break Plan B and get in a pissing contest with WH over who's right here. Yes, kids should respect their parents, but in this sitation, how can they?

So I understand your little boy's stress. My DS17 has not spoken to WH in over a year. He cried when he learned of the A. His dad has always been his hero. Perhaps boys are more internal about the pain of their dad's A than teenage daughters. And boy, teenage girls these days can have such potty mouths. Shocker for WH's to hear the truth from their little girls. But will it break through the fog?

Hey Flick! Thanks for that. I just thought he didn't want them, but I didn't want them here. Good to hear it from the other perspective, it helps. I don't think he sees the error of his ways tho. hes way to busy being very mad at me to see anything but me-the cause of his misery. I hope he gets guts. I used to admire his strength but now I see he didn't have as much as I thought. My pastor said he has been blaming you the whole marriage and he's going to see that you were the strength to the family and now that you are no longer to blame eventually he will see it was never you.

Oh yeah when DD17 took the bad of stuff out to him and he said he didn't need it he also said, well if DS10 comes out he will feel better and DD17 said she told him well dad he needs a dad. H responds I am his dad, and DD17 says well he needs a dad at home and the fog man says well I don't get along with your mom(coulda fooled me, we got along great until Sea Hag entered in and during Plan A we got along so well he cheated on the OW 4 times a week- sure doesn't sound like not getting along to me) anyways DD17 says well how do you know you don't get along with mom you don't talk to her and his little entitled butt says "EXACTLY!" and DD17 walks away and says see ya next month and laughs and he makes up some lame excuse why he hasn't seen them since after Christmas.

Oh gosh NO do not break your Plan B he will think you are a liar and its all a game. This is not a game. Please don't.

Thats so funny you DD's are giving it to him. My DD17 was so God Awful and she let him have it up, down and inside out. It was uuuuuuugly! HE said the same stuff, listen here I am your father you still owe me respect and DD17 says really then I will divorce you, emancipate my self from you and change my name to moms maiden name and never speak to you again hows that?

The stick part of the plan is to not protect them from the consequences of their actions so I let her tell him what she wanted.