Please God, make him stop.

I am playing with play-doh with my daughter and just realised it's been almost an hour since I sent him the message and it felt good.

So, within 2 seconds my phone beeped with another hurtful one from WH:-

"I expect that you will pay half for court fees on visitation. If not I will get a letter drawn up through a lawyer. You will pay half for that also. By the way. How did things go with your work meeting the other day? I sincerely hope everything was ok and you wont lose your job. That would be terrible."

I want to stop crying and just play with my kids and not have to worry about the horrible husband of mine.

This sucks and I'm cyring in front of my daughter who's surrounded me with cups of tea, pizza, biscuits and food made of play-doh and gave me a bunny to make me feel better and telling me she loves me and so does daddy. Arrrrggggghhhhhh!

I have copies of everything I can but I will be afraid to use them. He has threatened that if I use anything against him he will go all out and will not care about the consequences to hurt me.

He told me the only way he knows how to hurt me is to hurt my family and he's right. I try to stay strong but this is killing me. I just want to be left alone. Is it too much to ask??

I keep praying for him because I don't know what else to do.

He rang.

Very quiet and non-confrontational.

Asked me if I was going out tonight or could make plans.

He wants to come and see the kids and stay with them.

I said I had heaps of housework to do. He told me it didn't have to be this way, but...

I said I could bring the kids to him.

He said he wants to hang with them at home, it's his home too.

He agrees that he wanted Christianity for the kids and took back his comments !!!??? Further proof to me that he had been swayed by his mum and brother and it had nothing to do with him. He said he had forgotten about his baptism!

I told him I had completed an online application for divorce and emailed it through to him.

He said there is a lot to be done before house could be sold as I have let it go. !!!

He asked if he could come and do the weeding down the side of the house (he needs something to do) and could I think about staying with my parents and he could take the kids to school. I said he could do the garden and I would see how I went with my washing/cleaning and decide about letting him sleepover later.

I can't help but think that this was all a huge bluff that went wrong and now he is trying to claw his way back in.

It won't work. This aint rock bottom yet!

I am holding firm and will sell the house and divorce if required. He said that he will not be amicable with a divorce - duh. He isn't amicable in marriage!!!

OH 2M2L, I wish sweetie you could read it through my eyes and see how he flips and flops...I don't trust him, I'm waiting for him to do something COMPLETELY NUTS...pls keep him out of the house and away from the kids as much as you possibly can...

He curses at you! He threats you with visitation, then tries to be nice! Tried to push you over with intimidation...that was the one thing that I didn't get was the intimidation...I didn't understand WHY he did that...but it was to get me to do whatever he wanted me to do...

POWS threated and told me that I would never get the kids, I would never to this or that...and over time I believed him...it was slow brainwashing...I was a great mother, worked full time and took great care of the kids but somewhere in there, in the back of my mind, I feared him getting them, feared him taking them off somewhere...and that was before the D...just this Christmas he threated not to return them on time, this past summer he threated to come pick them up from me...

Even after the D, the threats don't stop, but I ahve learned to take the HARD road with him...call the cops if it comes down to it, call my lawyer if need be, hold him to ALL of HIS STUFF!

THis is a rough time but I promise you that it will get better...I see where you are right not...I hear the very words that I spoke right where you are right now...You'll make it through this...D was never something that I wanted BUT it was the best thing that has happened to me...my world has opened up, great things have happened, and although POWS HAS to be apart of my life b/c of the kids, It's SOOOO much easier...

Do you hear him making fun of you about your job? THat's not out of concern, that's picking on you, trying to make up scared of what he will do next...tearing you down, piece by piece...trying to make you think that YOU need him...

Pls don't live in fear...live BEYOND YOU'RE FEAR...YOU CAN DO THIS! The valley may appear deep right now, but once you cross to the other side, you'll look back and say that wasn't as hard as I thought it was!

2M2L:

Please forgive me if you've already covered this but are you seeing a counselor? You need therapeutic support, I think. There's been alot of pressure for a long time. You're interacting with someone who is poisoning your system. And you need help in breaking your addiction to him. Are you going to Al-Anon? Or another 12 step program? Just an idea.

Also, do you have an intermediary set up? Are you doing Plan B? Because at this point it almost seems as though you're allowing him to continue his abuse...which will just make you more fearful, etc.

I agree with documenting, keeping text messages to date, etc. But I think you've got all you need at this point. Throw out your cell phone and go get one with another number - a pay-as-you-go if need be. Don't give him the number. Get an intermediary and force him to communicate with you about the kids or anything else through that person. Do not accept messages of any type from him.

Also, if I were you I would not EVER leave him in the house with the kids while you go stay somewhere else. His behavior is too unpredictable; you could very well come back and find the locks changed and all your stuff on the lawn. No way to predict that, of course, but this person is emotionally abusive in the extreme; why would you let him back into the house?

If I'm repeating stuff you've heard before I'm sorry, but you need to break your own addiction to the drama and the only way to do that is to go "cold turkey" to the greatest extent possible.

- M

HI

Back again! I have been out of the loop for a while.

I am so sorry you are experiencing such unbelievable crap.His texts are so disjointed and crazy its a good thing you have them recorded here for future reference.He is saying any thing that comes into his head that he thinks will upset you regardless of the truth,making threats that he cannot carry out ,has no sense about how the law works other than to always be on his side and get him whatever he wants whenever he wants it.

When my h was at the height of his a he was behaving in a similar fashion all I can remember is feeling extremely angry about the gratuitous nastiness I was getting. I knew nothing about the a at this stage.At the time I had the whole years calendar up on the kitchen wall It was the kind that had an empty square for each day.

I was so angry because each time it happened the whole day was completely spoiled for me. I took to the calender with a thick black texta and blocked in the days that had been ruined.I kept doing this for a few months and a pattern started to emerge.

It was happening once a month for 2 or 3 days At the time I first thought it was down to my hormonal cycle but I have since read that abusive behaviour often has a cycle of peaks and troughs i.e. rollercoaster. Your h seems to have this pattern which can be often part of a psychiatric condition.I also thought that my h's monthly cycle might be connected to the phases of the moon.

Out of curiosity I checked the calendar for you and this weekend in Australia is a full moon.Although this might seem a bit far fetched I am still of an opinion that looking for patterns gives you more opportunity to figure out some way of dealing with the problem.

I would also encourage you to seek whatever help is available as a public service and to think about letting the house. He is using the home as power base to get to you.I agree with miriam Take it out of the equation and you have taken away a significant no of very abusive opportunities.

All the best for 2009

Agreed, agreed, agreed to everything Miriam posted!

2m2l, this is exactly what I was thinking. It needs repeating. He is not your H right now, he is your enemy, as long as you are not giving in to him. He will not stop at anything to punish you. If you had read Why Does He Do That? by now, you would see exactly what you need to do to protect yourself AND your kids. He will USE them to punish you. Don't you see that?

Please do not EVER let him in your home alone. And if I were you, I would buy some GPS trackers and install them in your kids' backpacks/suitcases without telling anyone, in case he decides to pick up and move away with them. I'm not joking - they do this ALL THE TIME.

Did I tell you about the cycle the go through if they don't get what they want? They will try manipulation; if that doesn't work, they'll try putting you down; then anger; then poor sick victim; then begging; then anger again, or one of the other forms of manipulation. It is a GAME for them; all they care about is winning.

I would like to ditto myopia's idea about the calendar, too. A couple times, I tried keeping track of all the times my H did something to belittle me or show anger, etc., just to see for myself if I was just being picky, or if I was right in feeling picked on. It was an eye-opener to see just how many days each month, I went to bed feeling miserable.

I urge you to do the same. Just put a big X on every day he does something. Put a check mark on days he does something nice without spoiling it.

Wow - that's a lot of information to take in and I will re-read it all throughout today.

Just a quick update to let you know the status of everything with me.

WH did visit last night to do the gardening. He arrived at 5pm, played and had dinner with the kids and then jumped into the gardening. He made a couple of snide comments to me but I didn't bite and just restated my boundaries.

Surprisingly, he stopped after only 3 negative comments!

One of them was when he commented (rather taken aback) that I had taken the wedding photo down. (a large print by the front door). I told him that was a month ago as I was sick of walking past it and being teary over a marriage that I wanted to be in but could never had. He said, 'didn't it make you feel bad about all of the things you had done wrong?', I said no, only feeling sorry for losing hope for the marriage and who he'd become.

We gardened, put the kids to bed and I got stuck back into my washing. He put a movie on so I left the room and continued cleaning the laundry. At 9:30pm he asked me if I was still doing washing. I said yes, would be another half an hour.

He told me that he would go home, didn't want me to have to leave.

Yippee!!!

I was polite and he grabbed his things and jumped in the car.

I asked him if he got his socks (still in the laundry) and he said no, he would get them when he came back to finish the garden!!!

We caught up this morning at the bodyshop where my car is being repaired. One of a few joint responsbibilities that need us both.

I was explaining the divorce application that I'd emailed him and he asked me why I blamed OW for everything. I said I didn't. I blamed him for having weak boundaries and for going outside the marriage when things got tough and blamed myself for creating an environment for that to happen.

He flat out didn't believe me. I told him it's not her, never was. Could have been anyone. It was what got us to that point that I blame for the breakdown in our marriage and then I blame him for his lack of boundaries and committment to our marriage. He asked me why I made her life difficult and involved her family etc. I said that she is yound and naive and did not realise that her friendship was inappropriate with a married man but it wasn't entirely her fault, it should have never gotten to that point.

Anyway, I don't know why I tried to educate him but why not. If we divorce this week, who cares.

I don't know what stage of manipulation he's at and what he's now hoping to achieve, but there is a part of me that hopes we can just get the divorce over with. I think he would love me to beg him to take him back so that he could feel needed, but it won't happen. I'm past it.

I have started my journal with information on him and his mood and visitation - and I will keep it at the office. This one will not be stolen!

Hi Miriam,

I tried plan B unsuccessfully and it actually made the situation so much worse and I almost lost my job too. He is hot and cold so my current plan is to plan A when he's hot, but not to rekindle romance, just to be pleasant and amicable. When he's nasty, I plan B him. I will not be able to use an intermediary in the short term either. He has no respect for me and therefore will not do what I ask. I had 2 occasions when he came into the house (after I'd changed the locks and the alarm code) because I would not take his calls.

We are currently discussing divorce and selling the house and if we can do that in the current environment of doing what he wants, then that would be awesome and a step closer for my peace of mind.

Once the divorce is final and the house is on the market, and the visitation order is finalised with the courts, there wont be any reason for him to be on my back and I will put firmer conditions in place.

Do I believe that he's going to put the divorce through? Not really.

I just keep praying and living in hope that there will be an end to it soon and I will be over the moon about whatever it is.

2M2L, please listen to the people on your thread and do what they say. You are not clear minded and won't be until you are AWAY (completely away) from WH.

2M2L, this comment makes no sense. The intent of Plan B is to PROTECT YOU from the abuse of WS.

Did you stay completely dark while in this Plan B? Did you have an IM? How long did you stay completely dark before deciding it was unsuccessful? And why do you consider it unsuccessful?






You cannot DO Plan A and Plan B at the same time.

You have been and are in Plan C for confusion, and dare I say Plan D for desperation.

You need to LISTEN to the help you have here and stop thinking you know better, you need exceptions, you need to tweak the Plans, etc.

Your statements here demonstrate one of two things. Either 1) you do not understand the plans, or 2) you are two afraid to implement them properly, even though they are your best shot at ANY TYPE of recovery.



You are making excuses for why you won't do Plan B.

In Plan B, you are not asking for his permission to Plan B, you are telling.





And exactly how did he get IN the house if the locks were changed?






NO, NO, NO.

You need a lawyer to protect your interests. Please do not consider a do-it-yourself divorce. Have you been advised here to do that?






You are going to have a complete nervous breakdown long befoer that happens.

Why are you allowing him in your life at all right now?

The only reason Plan B didn't work is that you were unwilling to resort to the police when he tried to pull all his tricks. In other words, you have been too weak. And your children are suffering by seeing him go, then come back, then go again. If my H did what yours did, I would be walking up and down the street, telling every single neighbor what he's been doing and how he's trying to manipulate and hurt you, and asking for their help. Then I'd start on all his friends, family, and coworkers.

But you won't do that, because you're too cowed by his intimidation and years of abuse.

That said, this:
is ridiculous. You change the locks and he STILL comes into the house? How? The only way I can see that happening is if you LET him in, or he BROKE in! So if you didn't LET him in, he is a criminal and you need to CALL THE POLICE!

Time to start getting a backbone for your kids' sakes. Before he takes them away from you, too.

Yes exactly.

2M2L, I am very afraid for you. He is planning to take your children. You can take that to the bank. He is a seriously dangerous man who has learned to easily manipulate you. Why on EARTH are you allowing him back into your home? Around your children? What is it going to take for you to realize that he means you harm?

Please get to a women's shelter and follow their advice.

This sums me up perfectly...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Written by Learning2Fly

*LINK* to original thread

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
My name is L2F, and I'm a Plan C'er

What is Plan C you ask? It's Plan Confusion, and it's NOT the MB way.

Plan C is what you do when you don't truly get the specifics of Plan A/B.

It's what you do when you try a mish mash of both without consistency, without understanding, without faith and patience.

It's what you do when you let your emotions guide your actions

It's what you do when you're afraid of WSs reaction.

It's what you do when you believe...even slightly...some of the threats, rants and accusations that you WILL hear from WS's mouth.

It's what you do when you're afraid of the consequences of YOUR actions.

It's what you do when you give all your power to your WS and don't recognize your own.

The danger of Plan C is that it can go on for a VERY long time. Life is short, your love bank must survive, and so must you.

I really don't recommend Plan C.

He repeatedly went around my IM and started to go through my family, got his family to call my family, called my work, sent text messages to my friends, clients and business prospects telling them I had an affair etc etc.

I went into plan B on 2nd Dec and kept trying throughout Dec.

When he broke into the house, I think it was through the garage but there was no proof of this and I was unable to press charges as it is technically his residence.

I did call the police each time but they arrived so late that he was on the other side of town by then.

He laughs at the police and has zero respect for them. Told me he would be happy to go to jail and if I get a protection order he will show me that it wouldn't stop him anyway.


True! I guess I mean that I try to stay amicable and take the high road at all times. I try not to respond to any threats or abuse and remain neutral.

You are right. I am afraid to go back into plan B. It was a disaster.

This is the problem. He thinks I try to manipulate and control everything and take the kids away from him and keep him out of the house so therefore he will xyz to teach me a lesson. My IM was really tough, but he was A1 in winning her over.

I really thought divorce would be encouraged in this situation. At this stage I would be happy walking away with the children and the clothes on our backs. I don't care about anything material. I just want a peaceful life free of drama.

I hope not.

Because keeping the peace is something that I have been good at for a lot of years and only when I tried to step into the MB way did I start to fail and he got worse. I want the MB way, but my husband is abusive and Dr Harley himself said that in some situations, plan A and B is not recommended.

Yes, I am completely confused and flying by the seat of my pants!

I don't want him to take the children. I want peace and quiet in my life and I deserve that. Right now he thinks he has me where he needs me but I have you and I have more knowledge that I have ever had before. I will get couselling when the free clinics can fit me in and I will plan my "escape" so that no harm is done.

Right now he is prepared to do anything to hurt me so going along with his gardening scheme really isn't a problem. My neighbours all know the car and I have a plan for contacting them and family and police if I need to at anytime.

His family have convinced him that I am the problem and I need to be taught a lesson and that he should take everything from me.

No one cares about the truth. I am learning that being a good person just doesn't count for anything.

I am tired.

I would love him to finalise the divorce. It will take a minimum of 8 weeks and then we will have child support and custody to arrange too.

Property settlement must be lodged within 12 months and we've both got equal claim of 50%. I don't need nor want a penny more.

I keep hoping that he can change!

You have a better chance of having the Easter Bunny show up to help with your gardening.

If you are doing what you are doing to get him to change, then it will fail.

As Dr. Phil has said: "The only one you have control over is yourself." and "You can't change what you won't acknowledge."