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Joined: Dec 2008
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More details of my story here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2171463#Post2171463

I have a question that I would like to have your input.

I told the MC and my WW that I would not engage in anymore MC sessions if the OM was not out of the picture.

Things came to a boil after the last MC session when the MC ignored the elephant in the room and started addressing other relationship issues. I could not take it and I blew up, which I rarely do.

The thing is. We have another session scheduled for this coming Tuesday. Since the last session my WW has:
(a) changed her cell phone number
(b) written a NC Letter

She has not accepted my suggestions to the NC letter and has not approached the NC letter subject since several days ago. I feel that she is avoiding the issue. Bottom line, the NC Letter has not been agreed nor sent.

I feel that if I go to another MC session and we continue talking about other relationship stuff I would blow up again. I am determined not to focus on other relationship issues as long as she has not taken this OM out of the picture.

I’m making to big of a deal? The fact that she changed her cell phone and wrote the NC Letter (without sending it) is enough??? Should I go to the MC session? Should I cancel and keep the pressure on my WW ?

Last edited by Kingrat; 01/11/09 07:14 PM.

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

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I wouldnt really bother with MC if they arent making the A the prime issue. I am going right now but I am getting a lot from it and the A is always front and center with our therapist.


BH-me 32
WW-27
Married 5 yrs. together for 8
D2
D7
D-Day:11/10
EA for a week went PA and WW immediately left home leaving everything behind.
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Originally Posted by Kingrat
I feel that if I go to another MC session and we continue talking about other relationship stuff I would blow up again. I am determined not to focus on other relationship issues as long as she has not taken this OM out of the picture.

You mean you are unwilling to yap about the peeling paint in the girl's bathroom on the sinking TITANTIC while the boat sinks? What is wrong with you, mister?! Have you been bitten by the common sense monster!? grin

You are exactly right. Counseling is a WASTE OF TIME when one partner is in an active affair. You would get much more benefit out of an oil change.

And I think an oil change is cheaper actually.

[pssst, his name is not really Rusty Shackelford, it is a trick skeptical]


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Our MC does not want to gang up on my WW. So sje does not talk about it during joint sessions.

WW is making progress. She did change her cell phone and Im pretty sure there has been no contact. She is working on the relationship but she does not want to let go of this "friend".

She wrote a NC letter but she has not accepted my changes/suggestions and has not approached the subject. I wonder if I should give her the benefit of the doubt and go to the session.

On the other hand, if I do not push for 100% breaking the relationship NOW... I will never do it. So I feel this is the moment to be tough.


Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

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Quote
Our MC does not want to gang up on my WW. So sje does not talk about it during joint sessions.

So she avoids the problem entirely? WOW! crazy Then what in the world is her worth to you? If she cannot even DEAL with the problem at hand, what is the point?

Counseling is probably going to cause you more harm than good at this point. The reason being that your marriage is in a mess so you run the risk of lovebusting at the session if you are at all honest. This is why Dr Harley doesn't counsel couples together like that; they can leave the session more angry than when they came in.

Secondly, the point of MC is RECOVERY, something that is impossible while she is still in her affair.

You would get much greater benefit from a coaching session with Steve Harley or a good strategy to get her to end contact.

Have you exposed the affair? Exposure is the most potent tool against an affair; it marks the BEGINNING of real recovery.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
[quote]Have you exposed the affair? Exposure is the most potent tool against an affair; it marks the BEGINNING of real recovery.

Thanks for replying. I havent exposed because my evidence is weak. You can read more details in my other post.


Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

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I've decided I will not go. What would be the best way to inform this to my WW and the MC without LoveBusting?


Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by Kingrat
[quote=MelodyLane]
Quote
Have you exposed the affair? Exposure is the most potent tool against an affair; it marks the BEGINNING of real recovery.

Thanks for replying. I havent exposed because my evidence is weak. You can read more details in my other post.

KR, hasn't your wife admitted the affair? If so, that is all you need. Is the OM married? Do they work together?

I would just tell your wife that there is no use going to MC until all is ended because recovery can't start until that happens.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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KR, my friend, I went back and read your other threads and see you have done NOTHING we advised. Are you not willing to lift a finger to save your marriage?

Yours is a particularly sticky situation since this is a very long term affair. What exactly are you willing to do?

Anything?

Quote
Dr. Harley: "I'm in the process of rewriting "Surviving an Affair" to add information about plan B. Some of the main points are as follows:

Whether in plan A or B, the world should know about your husband's affair. All of your relatives, your friends, your children, and the licensing board for your husband's lover. In some states a licensing board will revoke a license if a counselor is having an affair with a married person, client or not. This is because it's well known that affairs hurt families, especially children. And counselors know better than to have an affair.

The reason for the wide exposure is not to hurt the unfaithful spouse, but rather to end the fantasy. Your husband's secret second life made his affair possible, and the more you can to to make it public, the easier it is for him to see the damage he's doing. Keeping it secret does damage, but few know about it. Making it public helps everyone, including the unfaithful spouse and lover, see the affair for what it really is.

Quote
Dr. Harley: When I first started recommending openness about an affair, I wasn't sure what would happen. But I did it because I knew it was the right thing to do. Now I know that for most couples it marks the beginning of recovery.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Simply tell WW that you will not do MC without NC and NC letter.

Question to all:

Whats the big deal with a WS changing their cell phone number?

Can't the OP get the number from information or the internet?

Usually isn't all one has to know is the name and address to search the internet for the number?

Besides without a NC letter being sent. Couldn't it just the WW saying look I changed my cell number to her BH, while she quietly gives the OM the new number?

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Quote
Besides without a NC letter being sent. Couldn't it just the WW saying look I changed my cell number to her BH, while she quietly gives the OM the new number?

Exactly what I was thinking.


Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
*********************
“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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Originally Posted by MelodyLaneKR
, hasn't your wife admitted the affair? If so, that is all you need. Is the OM married? Do they work together?

I would just tell your wife that there is no use going to MC until all is ended because recovery can't start until that happens.

She has admitted to an emmotional connection. She claims no physical contact. Chats prove sexually explicit conversations.

She claims all contact has ended. Phone record do prove that.

She still has a hard time in finishing the NC letter though.

Last edited by Kingrat; 01/11/09 10:31 PM.

Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by princessmeggy
Quote
Besides without a NC letter being sent. Couldn't it just the WW saying look I changed my cell number to her BH, while she quietly gives the OM the new number?

Exactly what I was thinking.

phone records show no contact in a while. Since things came to a blow.


Far better it is to dare mighty things, to win glorious triumphs even though checkered by failure, than to rank with those poor spirits who neither enjoy nor suffer much because they live in the gray twilight that knows neither victory nor defeat.

Theodore Roosevelt

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