Here is my basic story http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2190151#Post2190151

He found this site himself and has been ordering MP3s and downloading questionaires etc. In other words he seems to be trying but then again, is he?

After a 6 year relationship with someone else I know he is a very good liar. He is also a narcisisst. He will stop at nothing to get what he wants and what he wants is more important than anything and should be to me too. He seems to be undergoing a very large change and we have had some very long talks about it and I always come away encouraged but how is that any different than any of those times he dishonestly reassured me when he was seeing her?

I am emotionally strung out now with huge highs and huge lows. I assume this is normal but I now am having to take blood pressure meds and anti anxiety drugs and neither seem to be helping.

We are 3 1/2 months out from my discovery day. He says he wants to work with this information here but now I don't even have this place to share in private. Any suggestions? I have some friends who know but I am far away from them and their idea of support is something I can't say here (no, not kill him but all kinds of other unpleasant things) and it is not helpful.

How do you know when the lying has stopped? When can you begin to relax and work on things? I have read and read this site but nothing is sinking in, I can't think or read much more than a page before I am back in victim mode and I hate being there.

Approach him about scheduling consultation with the Harley's, the founders of this site, and let the professionals give you direction. His reaction should speak volumes.

Well, you have a lot of years with him, so who knows? I can tell you that my ex knew about MB, and I invited him to post here, but he never did read or post.

So I will give your hubby a couple of points for that.

I think you will just have to give it more time to see if these changes are real.

Hopefully he will post here.

Thank you SD. I suggested that last night and he said he was ready to do anything. We will see. I feel he is being very sincere in his desire to make things right and I certainly, even after this long relationship, am not willing to just react and toss 30 years.

That last statement makes me feel so totally stupid that I can barely let it stand. It seem though, that when I found out and threw him out the fog not only started to clear it was like a mighty wind came up and blew it away. For me it is like going from being despised floor scrubber to the queen all at once. Hard to trust even myself to stay clear headed here.

Thank you Believer.

I will give him those points for now.

I had no idea that the WS's were welcome to post here. I suppose they would not be here in this section? I have got to clear my mind and get with this. Too much time wallowing in the clouds of despair and not enough productive time yet.

yup, WS's want direction and help, thankfully! Usually by the time they come here they are "former" WS's, No one bashes them, typically, once in awhile someone gets something off their chest but its for the common good.

Thanks.

I told him and he is thinking about it. I have no clue where this relationship, my M, is. I don't trust my own judgment and I don't trust him although he seems to be doing everything in his power to do this right including a MC, working on himself and his issues, reading this site continuously and spending absolutely hours and hours talking to me about this. Honestly I think we jumped right into recovery after I found out in early October and threw his [censored] out. It seemed to awaken him from his A fog and the fact that he had really not ever been married to me even though we had been married for 26 years. It seems odd but the more I read here I see him in every A and I see the differences in the way he has handled it from so many.

Do you think I could post in recovery and get responses about that now or is it too early to be starting another post? I have this post and the original already and hate to spam the board with more.

We are considering calling for an appointment (or more) here, in fact I am going to do it myself and maybe then the two of us. I need so much help and reassurance but then again, I do not want to spam the board. Just wondering.

Thank you so much for the response.

Did you set up the extraordinary measures to ensure he has no contact? Did you send his No Contact letter to OW? Did he give you all his passwords or delete them? Does he call you whenever he goes anywhere so you won't worry?

That is where you start trying to feel safe - when he's willing to do these things for you.

YES!

I was amazed to find out that I had pretty much done what everyone here says is required but I did not do the exposure or start plans because I did not find out about them until just recently when I found this site.

He has agreed to everything I have asked and had even suggested some things. I saw the email response to her asking for NC and I sent one myself to her. There were a couple from him because he was not honest at first with me (go figure) and I heard a voice mail NC request when she kept calling and then I saw a response to her over IM when she was pretending to be someone else for 2 months. She then revealing her ingenious way of setting up a way they could stay in contact without me being suspicious. She was just watching and waiting until the right time to let him know it was her all along. He busted her to me, that made me feel pretty secure about it and he responded in a way she did not want by saying to this "old friend" that he was committed to me. There has been nothing else from her, probably for a month now.

He used everything I did, everything I love to do, as a chance to get with her. I saw the phone records of their conversations before I left then the post coital conversations before I got home after he left her bed. Now he has to call me every 30 minutes from the home phone when I am away and leave a message. This is not entirely secure since she could come to my house, and has, but it was the best I could do. I call him, he calls me. He probably feels like he is in prison but he knows it is what is needed for a long time to come. He also suggested and has the GPS if he remembers to turn it on.

6 years is going to take a while to get over. This site and all the responses have been so helpful. Thank you. He is now here posting, starting today. I think he is serious but you know how it goes, trust is hard to build up again. We will keep on trying. thanks.

I just posted to your H. I am so sorry for your needing to be here. A 6 year LTA is a lot to recover from. I hope it gives you a feeling of self empowerment to know that you can choose to work on the M or not. It really is up to you.

I like the suggestion of the GPS but want to warn you not to make yourself your H's keeper. He is either in it or not. If he is forgetting to turn on the gps, I would be suspicious.

The good news is, you don't have to decide right away whether to stay M'd or not. Just remember to listen carefully to your gut. If something does not feel right, then it's not.

SSS,

I, too amd sorry you are here...but glad that you have found MB. It has helped many people recover from affairs, even LTAs, and it can help you too **IF** your H is on board.

FF is right...do not become his "keeper". Let HIM do the heavy lifting, that will give you a huge clue as to weather or not he is really serious or not.

Is it possible that he was kind of "done" with the A when he got caught? Was he tired of the lying, sneaking around, etc. and so it wasn't as hard as you think to give it up?

Do you know if he had ever tried to end it on his own?

The answers to these questions might be helpful to you....

(((hugs)))

sss, here is your fastest horse:



The Marriage Builders® Weekend
Minneapolis, Minnesota
January 23rd & 24th, 2009
at the Embassy Suites Minneapolis - Airport.
Free shuttle service to the Minneapolis - St. Paul International Airport and the Mall of America (520 stores and several indoor rollercoasters!) http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi011_0901.html

That will give you a crash course in MB and you will get daily access to Dr Harley, a clinical psychologist, afterwards. He teaches the course and his staff walks you through all the lessons after you get home.

Hi! You have been very helpful to him and I appreciate that since it helps me as well. Neither of us are in very good shape at the moment but time will tell how this turns out. Lots of work ahead.

Yes it is up to me. He certainly put me in the power seat with this one. A huge change from what I am used to from him. Part of our problem is that he never counted on me having enough gumption to not be that little slave he decided he wanted after we got married. It hurt for years and ended up this way. I knew it would but there is no way I could be what he ended up wanting me to be. The kids kept me with him and now this has happened. We actually got along simply because he totally ignored me and I am quite capable of functioning alone even though it was painful to say the least. The very last thing I want is to be his keeper. I could have found out about this sooner had I ever wanted to be that but I chose not to spy and follow him around when I should have I suppose.

I promised him from the beginning that I would not make a rash, knee jerk decision. Inside I always saw the good man, he just stopped being that person to me. I have hope so I will work. If it doesn't work out then it doesn't but it will not be for lack of trying.

Thanks.

Actually he was done with her. She had a car accident and had her license taken away about 14 months or so before I found out and she depended on him for groceries and everything she needed. He was, in all sense of the term, her husband. He just lived in my house. For the last 2 years of our marriage he barely knew I existed and I could not break through to him. He is a very good liar, very reassuring when he could not avoid me. He was very busy with his committee work (very busy). She started to try to get him to leave me. She got suspicious that he was cheating on her with someone else (not me of course). She started getting inappropriate in many ways and he was going crazy. He wanted out but she threatened him so he just waited until I finally found out, chicken *blank* that he had become. She saved a lot of the naughty little emails and IM's and was going to pass them along. Then she threatened after he sent the NC to send them to our kids and everyone he worked with. So, he was ready to leave and that does not really give me a lot of comfort since if that had not been the case he would probably have ended up leaving me for her. I do not think he ever really tried to end it.

(((hugs))) back and thank you.

Thanks Melody. Thanks for helping him too . We may not make that one since it is coming up so soon but we will be doing everything else until we can do it. I have to give it all the chances that I can or I will never forgive myself for not trying. Does that sound as stupid as I think it does after all of this? As I said before, 30 years is just to much to throw away without trying to save it even if it is incredibly painful.

sss, please try and go! That will give y'all the best chance possible and will put you in the hands of Dr. Harley, who is THE BEST. He knows what he is doing and it will be well worth the time. He is a alot different from other marriage counselors in that he actually knows how to save marriages. [the success rate of marriage counselors at large is 16%, that is how ineffective they are] It is hard to do this flying blind. It made a huge difference in my marriage.

We are going to have to do this and we both want to, I just think we may have to wait until the next one because of previous commitments. I do freelance and I have a contract so I may have to work at that time. It is also hard to get farm help when I need to go, it can be done but it takes some planning time. We WILL do it. Until then we will do everything else following the directions here and in the books. I also think we are going to try the phone sessions, we just need to get them set up.

The MB weekend is a MUST, and if you absolutely HAVE to put it off until the next one, then DO the phone counseling in the meantime. That will at least get the ball rolling.

P.S. not to freak you out or anything...but when we went to the MBW 1.5 years ago, Steve Harley told me (we were doing phone counseling with him at the time) that they were in the process of eliminating the MBW (for no other reason than they are VERY taxing on everyone involved).

I don't know how much closer they are to that goal, but just an FYI....don't want you to miss out, thinking there will be plenty more. There may not be.

Give yourself a second nom-de-plume and make these comments on Mr G's address.

Let's see him answer these in public.