Same to you my old friend!

MM,

This thread sure brings back a lot of memories and the names of some long lost posters. It also with the distance of time offers up some interesting perspectives.

I always thought you handled this about as well as you possibly could, given the learning curve and the propensity we all have for stumbling around in a mess such as this.

I also always sort of viewed you as fishing for your marriage. One day she was on the hook and you reeling her in and then she would slip off of the hook, but not really swim away. Giving you another chance to hook her again.

But today when looking at this I wonder...

Who was fishing for who?? I could make an arguement that she was fishing for you, that she never really let you off of the hook and gradually through her own messups still managed to reel you in.

It is sort of like rearing children, one often wonders who is being trained when the baby cries, the parent or the child.

This thread will be of real value to many folks posting here, keep it up.

God Bless,

JL

Too true, JL. Added to that, by going back through all of these posts, it brings up a lot of memories and feelings I had forgotten about, or had lessened with time. Not that they are making me feel bad or anything. But just seeing from the outside now how difficult it is to pilot a ship in a storm.

I will finish this up over the next few days!

One thing my wife said this morning, which was interesting. She was talking to her mom last night. They were talking about Obama and my wife was saying how messed up things are going to get. And without going into those details, she did tell me that my MIL said she voted for Obama because she was worried about her Social Security. She said (talking to my wife): "if something happened to you, Mortarman would throw me out on the street (she lives with us)."

My wife said to her: "What are you talking about? There is no way he would ever do such a thing. Look at all I did to him, and even in the middle of it, he still considered me family. And still took me back. Mom, Mortarman has some values that are unbendable."

In my updates at the end of this, I will be going into many of the things she has said in recovery. Even with all of my intel during our mess, what I have learned from her has been eye opening. But this statement this morning kind of put a smile on my face. And continues to tell me that she sees now (and did see even then, even though she didnt want to admit it then) who I really am.

Anyway, thanks JL. As you said, many of the folks that helped me are gone now. I just hope some of the current and future people on here that are stuck in the middle of their mess, might learn something or at least pull out hope (crap, I used an Obama word!) from what I went thru.

Mortarman your story is truly amazing. Little did I know that when I stumbled here in November 2006, and you and many others answered my call for help, that your war had been going on for so long.

Thank you for all you did to help me.

God bless you and your family!

Same to you Eph!

I am slowly getting the story up here. The next thread is in early 2003. My wife is still foggy, but has supposedly begun ending things and talking to me about coming home...which she ends up doing.

It is a great discussion by many veterans here who helped me. Very helpful in understanding just how much pain, anger and fear a BS carries into a possible recovery...and how Dr. Harley is right when he says that the BS is the one to worry about in recovery.

Anyway, it is a good series of posts for those that are on the verge of or beginning recovery.

A Betrayed Spouse's Threat to Recovery

Wow, MM. I've been reading your thread(s) and wow, just wow. No wonder you are so respected around here. You've been through the fire and have come through as golden-- a shining example. I hope that other BHs around here really study your story. There's a lot to learn, especially for those who are frozen in indecision and inaction.

You rock.

Thanks PM. But, as you can see, I made my own share of mistakes (and more than many!!). I am just glad God was faithful.

I am also glad that deep down, even with my mistakes, my wife didnt give up!

"values that are unbendable"

THIS is the missing ingredient in so many situations!

You are undeniably special.

<<<Mortarman looks down, blushing>>>

BUMP for the current warrior BHs

Hi Mortarman,

I too am inspired by your story. Whenever I feel blue about my sitch, usually late at night or early in the morning, I think of stories of recovery, including yours. You fought for so long and so faithfully. Truly you put on the armor of Christ. I hope to do the same.

In any event, my WW lives in northern Virginia and filed there. I still want her back. Is there any legal strategy you recommend pursuing?

My default is to not counter-file for divorce on grounds of adultery as it will humiliate her publicly and make our reconciliation even less likely. But I intend to do everything legally and financially possible to get a 50-50 settlement. Your advice would be most appreciated.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful and confident

Bump...

Praying and hoping MM stops by with an answer for Michael and update real soon.

Miss that guy.

Mr. W

BUMP to Mortarman's posts.

-----------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless again)
Her: WW, 33
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD3.5 and DD1.8)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Still hopeful and confident

bump, good story ... t

There are not as many success stories for wayward husband's unless the affair ends still in Plan A ...??

Mimi had a good success story. Married Forever went to plan b as well.


With four kids Mehr, I should hope the support orders inflict so much pain that either OW dumps him OR WH figures he can't manage divorce financially so he's absolutely stuck having to reconcile.

[and I'd tell you not to sweat the reasons why he chooses to come home. If and when he comes home is all that matters...not why. You can still work a marital recovery program and make your marriage great no matter WHY he comes home]


Good luck and may you be blessed with the perseverance of a Mortarman.

Mr. W

I can hope that too.... its another month... he told my in laws that he has no money to give me and the kids.... !!!! He thinks he has no money now ...

I must pray that I win more than just the child support. I need alimony and/or the ability to stay residing in this house. Otherwise you'd think he could calculate the % of child support right now and know what that is going to look like ...

Waywards avoid reality. Until he sees those first paychecks AFTER the alimony and child support are deducted, they just keep their head buried in the sand.

You have a one year old so my guess is that 17 years of no money isn't an option. MOST men in that situation, you'd think, would consider reconciliation. Others consider bolting and becoming an ex-patriot or try to find a way to work for cash to game the system in their favor.

Who knows. Statistically you've got a better shot than most that he'll reconsider things. The more kids the more likely reconciliation occurs. Keep pushing and hopefully he bottoms out sooner than later.

Mr. W

I hope you are right. He certainly isn't high enough income to make it easy for him (or me for that matter) at all. Not like some of the more wealthy waywards who can afford to pay their wives and have a new live too.

Bump