bump

mgolfer... It's been some time. How are things going?

mf,

How about an update?

xring

Sorry I haven’t been around much lately. I occasionally come around and lurk a bit, but I haven’t posted in a while. I think I just needed a break from all of the infidelity.

Update:
I guess things have been going about as well as can be expected. FWW is working really hard at “making everything right” and we are spending a lot of time together just having fun. We are working our way through HNHN and trying to incorporate many of the concepts in our marriage.

The first 4 weeks or so of recovery were really good. It was almost like we were newlyweds again. But, the week after Christmas I started to get really angry. She has been great about giving me time to deal with my feelings and being understanding of why I am feeling this way. It has been better this week, but it still comes and goes. I think I worked so hard at breaking up the affair, that I didn’t really have time to be angry at the time. It’s only now that things have settled down that I am starting to feel the anger.

We decided against moving to Florida. It was a great opportunity, but it was just too far from our families which have been a great support during all of this. We just didn’t feel that it was a good time to introduce the stress of a major move into an already shaky situation. Really, the only real reason we ever considered the move was so that we could escape the embarrassment and uncomfortableness of our situation. But, FWW finally realized that most of the people who know about her affair are related to the university and it is very unlikely that we will run into any of them. Many of them are students and most of them will be gone in a few months or a couple years.

I’m still checking up on her to make sure that NC in still in place and so far so good. I think we will be okay in the long run. We both have a long way to go, but we’re still working willingly on our marriage and our children.

Sounds good. Grind on.

Mg

You're doing well. Your emotions are going to get the best of you some days. And then some days they won't. Just keep them in check and work through them. If you can discuss what you are feeling with your WW then do it. Telling her that you are angry or hurt is NOT an LB. Just do it calmly. Remember your goal is a restored M.

It's a marathon...a grueling one. Hang in there. Oh and don't be a stranger. Posting here after the A has ended can help you too.

Mgolfer:

Now the real work starts.

Dr Harley states that the marriage is more at risk from the Betrayed spouse, than from the formerly wayward spouse after the affair has ended and recovery starts.

You will pass thru many phases (anger, remorse, disbelief, anger, contentment, rage, etc) before you can truly say that your far on the road to recovery.

Please look into the MB weekend. They usually have one in Orlando every year. Short trip maybe for you and you and Mrs MG can lwarn more about MB.

Your one of our Discussion Board Success Stories.

Let not turn that success to failure by not doing the proper followup.

LG

MG,

""that NC in still in place and so far so good.""

In my very humble opinion, your wife has been though such pain, extreme humiliation and self-realizing degradation that to have contact with the (what ever we were calling him, the OM) or having the desire to have anything close to another A would be the far, Far, FARTHEST thing on her mind, avoiding all of it like the plague.

As JL would say, ALL BLESSINGS to you both.

kirk

Stay strong mg71. The anger comes and goes in waves. After the huge public fallout and exposure your W endured I can't imagine she'd ever think of doing a repeat.

Thanks for the encouragement everyone. I know that recovery is a long road, but patience has never been one of my strengths. I guess the thing that is keeping me going at this point is that I can see the changes in both of us starting to pull us together.

I am a very goal oriented person. So, when I found out about her affair, I quickly developed a plan and worked that plan with diligence until I achieved the desired result. But, I was so focused on breaking up the affair, that I didn’t really give myself a chance to deal with all of the emotions associated with all of this. But, when the affair was broken up and we were heading into recovery, I finally just broke down and all of the emotions just rushed out, mostly in the form of anger.

For the past 6 weeks, she has been a better wife than she has at any point during our marriage. She has been attentive to my needs and she has really started to work on making herself better and understanding why she did what she did. I love the changes that she’s made, but a little part of me wants to see her hurt the way I hurt. I know she is probably hurting in her own way too, but it just doesn’t seem the same. I grow more confident every day that we are going to make it, but in many ways recovery is much harder than breaking up the affair.

On a brighter note, an old friend from college, who is now playing on tour, called a couple of weeks ago and asked if I could caddy for him during one of the events in Florida this year because his regular caddy needed to be with his wife while she has a baby. It’s working out great, because my wife gets an all expenses paid vacation in Florida and I get to hang with my buddy and see a PGA event from inside the ropes. I’m not sure which event it will be, but I’ll know more as her due date gets closer.

Well, the looping sounds fun. In college, I played in a few tournaments with Tom Lehman.
On the recovery, I can give no first hand advice, as I ended up getting a divorce(she would not end the affair).
But, I can imagine it is tough to get over it. Seems incredibly unfair, like many things in life.
At some point, hopefully, it will be a distant memory, like a bad dream.
Good luck.

In the beginning, I didn't let my BH see my hurt. I felt that was too selfish. He was the one who needed care and comfort. I was committed to being all there for him and his needs. I cried by myself. In the car. In the grocery store. In the bathroom stall at the department store. At my sister's place. I'm certain she's a mess inside, but she doesn't want to share that with you because she doesn't want you to have to worry about her too, along with everything else that's weighing on you.

She won't be able to hurt like you do. And you won't be able to hurt as she does. You're both in pain, but it's different for both of you. I don't know if you're doing this already or not, but do your best to be her safety place. When I finally couldn't do it any more and completely broke down in front of my H, he held me. It ended up lasting for a few hours and he was with me the entire time. It meant everything that despite what I had put my H through, he was still there for me. Anger and all the emotions you're going through are expected. If there's also a way you can let your wife lean on you too, let her know she can express everything to you as you are her partner in every way, it will help you both out, I believe.

I've been following your story from the beginning, MG. I'm impressed with your perseverence and the love you have for your W. May God bless you both.

I can share from the BS and the WW point of view. She is hurting in many of the same ways you are. As a BS I felt so BETRAYED! LOL and humiliated that the A had gone on and I had no idea. It rocked my self confidence to the core and my entire personality changed from being outgoing and friendly to that of being closed up and suspicious of everyone and everything. I questioned everything I had ever done or not done in my marriage and I tried desperately to figure out what was wrong with me for HIM to have done that. As the WW, I felt alot of those same emotions only the emotions were directed toward me and not at my husband. I had no self confidence, I wouldn't talk to anyone about it, I questioned everything I had done and not done in my marriage. It took me a while to be able to show the true emotion inside me. When I finally realized that he loved me and we were going to make it, I did break down and was a wreck. I didn't feel I was deserving of BEING A WRECK and I think thats what kept me from letting it out. I do remember when I was the BS and if my H showed any emotion I was like "How dare him be sad or think that I should feel sorry for him". Please hang in there. You and she are both extremely lucky to be where you are right now. Did she ever get a job or is she staying home right now?

No, she hasn’t really gone back to work. She has been a certified personal trainer for about 5 years, but never really did much with it. She is working about 12 hours a week at a local health club and she has 7 or 8 personal training clients in addition to that. She’s not making a lot, bit it’s getting her out of the house for a few hours while the kids are in school. Financially, we really don’t need for her to work, but she’s always been the kind that was not suited for staying at home. It’s been amazing how much her mood has improved since she’s been working a few hours a week.

Like I said earlier, she has been a “perfect” wife for the past 4-5 weeks. Sometimes I think she believes that if she does enough it will all just go away. I haven’t had the heart to tell her that she could never do enough to erase what she’s done. In my mind, I relate it to my spiritual walk. I can never do enough to erase my sins. That can only be done through God’s grace and my faith in Jesus. Likewise, she can never do enough to erase her sins. I can hopefully get to the place where I can extend grace to her. I know I should and I’m really trying, but I think it’s just going to take a little more time. I know God has forgiven her and I should do the same.

I think part of the problem is that this is a slow time of the year in my profession and I probably have way to much time to think. My frame of mind always improves when the weather begins to turn nice.

From what I've read, it takes 2-5 years, on average, and that is with a ton of repair effort. So, yeah, I suppose you are near the beginning of recovery.

I think it's great that you're in recovery, but it can't be treated as something that is swept under the rug. She has to understand that your scars are hugely deep.

Read my recent thread about the challenges of having a WW come back. It's certainly not easy for a BH and the thread is an honest discussion of that challenge and whether or not it's worth it.

It's a personal decision.

I fall into the camp that if kids aren't involved or are all grown up that there are too many great women in the world to settle for sloppy seconds.

Then again, if you had something good before and a remorseful WW wanting to earn that F, then there's things to work with.

But a WW has to be analyzed and an honest to goodness assessment needs to be made if she's worth the effort or not. There's many wayward wives who are too broken psychologically to ever have any hope of changing.

There's others who had a slip up due to circumstances but were otherwise good women.

Then there's others with poor boundaries. Many of the FWWes on this board are women who had poor boundaries and that's what led them to have an affair.

They are awesome contributors now and have good marriages and are very understanding of the pain they caused their husbands. Those same husbands are here and often help and own up to their part of the marriage which led to the affair.

Your call and only one you can make.

Hi, MG.

It's been way too long. Are you still around? How are you doing?

-L4